I have discovered just exactly how utterly worthless of a human being I am.

And somehow I’m supposed to just “accept it” as being unlovable.

Happy Meals. Aren’t we all.

I think I finally found my silver bullet.

I realize that many of these appear to be aimed at the non-ADD partner—and they are—but it is in understanding the required activity of the non-ADD partner that someone like me—the ADD partner—can find the way out of the darkness[1]. But when one or both partners in a marriage (or other living situation) has ADD, it is important to understand the couple dynamics and the treatment process. Here are important issues to consider:

• Have empathy for the ADD person and try to see the world through his or her eyes of frustration and failure.
• Go to at least some appointments with the doctor together.
• Both partners need clear education on ADD, its genetic roots, how it impacts couples, and its treatment.
• After the initial diagnosis [or reevaluation], take a step back from the chronic turmoil that may have been present in the relationship. Look at your relationship from a new perspective and, if need be, try to start over.
• Set up regular times for talking and checking in.
• Keep lists to avoid resentments for chores and tasks not done.
• Assume the best about the other person.
• Set clear goals for each area of your life together and review them on a regular basis. Evaluate whether your behavior is getting you what you want. When you know what you want, you are much more able to make it happen.
• Set clear individual goals and share them with each other. Then look for ways to help the other person reach his or her own personal goals.
• Avoid stereotyped roles of “caretaker” and “sick one.”
• Talk out issues concerning sex, in a kind and caring manner.
• Frequently check in with each other during social gatherings to determine the comfort level of each partner.
• Get away alone together on a regular basis. This is especially important when there are ADD kids in the family.
• Work together in parenting children. Children with ADD put a tremendous strain on relationships. This is magnified even further when one of the parents has ADD. See yourselves as partners, not adversaries.
• Praise each other ten times more than you criticize.
• Get rid of the smelly bucket of fish (hurts from the past) that you carry around. Many couples hold on to old hurts and use them to torture each other months to years later. These “smelly fish” are destructive and stink up a relationship. Clean them out of your life.

I could sit here and bold or asterisk the lines that kick me directly in the nuts. However, we’d be here all night trying to explain why one or another is pertinent to my own life and relationships. But, every single one of these, in fact, could have saved my relationship both if I had known them explicitly in such a manner and if she had taken the time to actually understand the difficulties of ADHD beyond the way it affects a child—and even then she wasn’t always so clear. It was so much easier to just replace the relationship and leave the problem for someone else. So typical for non-ADD partners. Run away rather than repair and rebuild.

The national average for divorce of ADD individuals is 20% higher than non-ADD individuals. It is almost always (statistics range from 72% to 99% depending on which studies you use) the non-ADD partner that leaves out of frustration and 86% of those never attempted any kind of therapy. And, quite frankly, merely what is listed above doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or a shrink) to work through together if both partners can come to a reasonable understanding that (A) change must happen, (B) both must put into this together in a committed way, and (C) they are accountable to each other for the mental and emotional health of their relationship.

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1. I feel that so many of these little “tips” could have held the basis for both resolving the issues and rebuilding for a future in this past relationship. Alas, at least now I will be prepared for the next one, if there is one. Many of these I think I knew from an intuitive position, but to see them written out like this has been a major slap in the face for me. If I could have seen this in such a clear manner before, much of this I could have self-corrected. Sometimes, really, it just takes the patience of a real partner to get through the troubled times and figure out new ways of handling the problems. But we are Happy Meals to be tossed away when the toy doesn’t meet our expectations, and so many of us who have difficulties beyond mere pathetic conversation in a bar to get laid are left in the darkness of our own minds. [↩]

Thank Any God It’s Friday!

Black Friday.

Is it ever.

People physically dead from the stampedes in a Wal-mart.

People emotionally dead from the stampedes in their souls.

I have to wonder about all the crap that goes on in the name of holidays and the holiday spirit. What does that mean anyway? A couple days off work? Time and a half pay for those who work on Fridays? Trampling people to death for a few bucks off already cheap goods?

People in this commercial world don’t know the meaning of love. We treat our relationships like Happy Meals and listen to broken heart songs (or let’s get fucked up and fuck songs) and think that’s the way it is supposed to be. Our commercialization of our holidays is directly proportional to our commercialization of our intimacy. We give cards and candy at Valentine’s rather than give of our hearts and souls. We find a way to trample over the innocent—whether opening the door at a Wal-mart or sitting in a sweatshop in China—in our quest for the thirty second high of a child under a tree we cut down from a forest that provides life to this planet.

Our holidays have become about as dead as our people skills.

Oh. And if you think I’m projecting my own personal life on a whole population of the world, just look around you. How many relationships are falling apart? How many relationships look normal on the outside and are falling apart on the inside where you can’t see it? It’s the candy coated apple that lacks the intimacy of the apple itself. One has to have the caramel coating in order to swallow it down.

The human race, as a whole, has lost its spine for truth and with it has lost the ability to deal with honesty, commitment, love, and intimacy on a whole scale of various concerns.

So, yes: thank god—any god—that it’s Friday. After spending a whole day in platitudes and pleasantries, we get the next day to see the real face of mankind: death. The day before is merely the sugar-coated, gift-wrapped, smile-laced day of good feelings and mindless consumption.

And then the reality sinks in. Death by any other name …

How to turn your entire family into ceremonial magicians (or light, fluffy pagans) with just a small wardrobe change!

Trust me, if you haven’t seen the television commercial, you’ll think the same thing immediately when you do!

I’m working through many of these and will begin to implement the rest through the end of the year and the start of 2009. It’s not that these are really something unique. They really apply to any child, I guess. But they are definitely rules and approaches to life in our home that I haven’t enforced or applied with any regularity. And that’s my fault.

But the even more interesting thing about these rules is (A) how closely they relate to the values and virtues as presented to Jinx (and me) through the seven Principles of Unitarian-Universalism and (B) how much these should apply to any relationship between adults as well (though there are, admittedly, a couple of obvious changes that would have to be made).

Family Rules

TELL THE TRUTH

TREAT EACH OTHER WITH RESPECT
(which means no yelling, no hitting, no kicking, no name calling, and no putting down.)

NO ARGUING WITH PARENTS
(As parents, we want and value your input and ideas, but arguing means you have made your point more than twice.)

RESPECT EACH OTHER’S PROPERTY
(which means we ask permission to use something that does not belong to us.)

DO WHAT MOM AND DAD SAY THE FIRST TIME
(without complaining or throwing a fit.)

ASK PERMISSION BEFORE YOU GO SOMEWHERE

PUT THINGS AWAY THAT YOU TAKE OUT

LOOK FOR WAYS TO BE KIND AND HELPFUL TO EACH OTHER

These rules set the tone and “values” for the family. They clearly state that there is a line of authority at home, and that it is expected that children will follow the rules and respect their parents, their siblings, and the family’s property. These are good social expectations and teachings. When you tell someone what you expect, you’re much more likely to get it.

In establishing expectations at home, it’s often important to use visual clues, such as pictures or short printed directions, since people with ADD may have trouble processing verbal input, especially in a noisy environment. Writing expectations down also has the advantage of being able to refer to it later when the ADD person denies that you ever told him or her about it.

All of these falls within the five steps to shaping positive behavior.

1. Define the desired and undesirable behaviors specifically.
2. Establish a baseline period.
3. Communicate the rules and expectations clearly.
4. Reward desired behavior.
5. Give clear, unemotional consequences for the negative behavior.

My next entry on this series will be about adult relationships, specifically, but I think these steps work for adults as well.

If some people knew how much I’m biting my tongue to not start comparing … *sigh* never mind. I’d probably get a medal for being such a good boy today. But then some wonder why I respond to certain stimuli the way I do. Ugh.

As is, I’m much, much too sick today to do much more than whine. I’m worse today than yesterday. I feel like someone turned my stomach inside out and decided to tattoo “fuck you” every four centimeters. If this is the flu, it’s a weird strain. I still think it’s food poisoning. And bad too. The cramps are disabling in a way that is just not funny.

Jinx, on the other hand, is being so amazingly helpful that he’s even brought me hot chocolate in bed—without me asking for it. Whoa!

And did I mention I thought I broke my toe? I probably didn’t, but it sure looks and feels like it.

Jinx and I did Turkey Day at our church. It would seem that it is a yearly tradition to do a pot luck at the church and while I thought it was geared more toward singles and just the randoms in the church that might not have a lot (or any) family in the area, it turned out that there were quite a few families that showed up too. Overall, I’d say about 50-60 people. And the food ranged from regular turkey to tequila-lime turkey to mashed potatoes to tofu and mushrooms to vegan salads and other dishes. I was totally blown away by not only the diversity of food but of people that attended. There was an above average noticeable presence of those wearing pentagrams—make of that what you will—and the lack of friction at all between the more “normal” (is there even such a word among UUs?) individuals and the pagans earth-centered spirituality individuals was equally as noticeable. It was quite amazing.

And, oh, how the wine flowed. LOL! Okay. Actually, more coffee and tea flowed, but wine was in abundance as well.

I asked Jinx what was his favorite part of the whole afternoon at the pot luck and he said, “All of it, dad. It was all good.” And it was too. I think we’ve finally found a place we are comfortable enough to call our spiritual home for a while. It’s definitely a spiritual community of dissimilar ideas and constructs that are finding harmony in the journey through the forest without getting bogged down over the trees. It is a very comfortable feeling.

We got home and I’m still massively sick. I’m not convinced it’s the flu anymore, but I am fairly convinced this might be food poisoning. So we’re taking it pretty easy. I’m sick, so I’m whinny. But I’m not going to whine about being alone or lonely. Or pathetic. But know that I am. And, all things considered in the last 96 hours, I shouldn’t be. And I think that is even more pathetic—and dishonest.

I did put up the smaller of our two Yule trees for this year. Eventually this one will go on the balcony while the larger will go in its place. But given the lack of any actual living room furniture in our home, I guess it does kinda look out of place for the moment. I won’t bore anyone with pictures. It’s not “trimmed” yet, just white lights, but there is a kind of simplicity to it actually that is quite refreshing. I may just keep this one like that (and especially since it’ll be an outdoor tree soon).

Tomorrow is going to be a lazy day. My home is a disaster area (for the first time since we moved in here) and I have no energy at all to clean. It takes everything I have right now to get up to fix Jinx’s meals. Even this entry has taken me three hours to type out because sitting up for an extended period of time ends up making me nauseous. And I keep trying to fall over in a narcoleptic-type shock to the system. I think I’m going to actually hire a maid for a once a month cleaning. I can do the basics and keep things the way I prefer them, but I also prefer something a bit more intensive as well. Maybe I’ll be not so whinny and more capable of doing things this weekend, but right now, I just want a maid. LOL!

Overall, not too bad of a holiday—aside from a couple of emotional issues that came up. It’s been quite nice and our day was completed by such an amazing reception and inclusion by the members of our church. It was our first real event with them (outside of Sunday services) and it was the most open and welcome I’ve felt in a long time anywhere.

It’s happy turkey day. It’s happy turkey day.

Except that I’m sicker than a dog. And totally miserable.

So I am going to use today for what it is intended to be used as well as my normal Thursday posting on deeper thoughts. And so, I figured I would list out the things for which I’m thankful. I’ll do people first by initials and alphabetically to be fair. If you’re confused, don’t ask. If you want to know about one, don’t ask. If you are that person, you’ll know. Trust me.

People For Whom I Am Thankful

A.S.

You always seem to be at the top of my lists. Granted, your name puts you there, but your friendship does too. You passion for life is intoxicating and your ability (and sanity) to juggle your relationships is amazing. I envy the strength you show in so many different areas of life. I’m thankful that you are still here and have never really left my life.

B.H.

My hero. My role model. I wouldn’t be half the man I am today if I didn’t have you to emulate. I haven’t done a very good job of it, but I feel that I would have done much worse had I not had you around to guide me in the way I should go.

D.H.

What would I do without that information storehouse you call a brain? But, more importantly, what would I do without your constant encouragement and inspiration to be more, to gain more, to do more. I’m thankful for the friendship and the depth of meaning that you have brought to my thoughts and my life.

G.C.

Brother, I don’t know how many times I have to figure out that you are one of the most intelligent, faithful, and on-the-mark kinda guys I’ve ever known. The UUs have a catchphrase that goes something like, “We don’t all have to believe the same to love the same.” I’m thankful that your life and its testimony proved this to me long before I heard it from them.

J.H.(1)

What can I say? I’m thankful for the time we had together. I’m thankful for the lessons you taught me, the patience you showed me, the love that you gave to me, and the possibility to do it all over again a thousandfold. I’m thankful for all that you are and all that you mean to my life. I’m thankful that a smile from you can turn my whole world inside out and upside down and make everything right. I’m thankful that it was you, and no one else, that brought the joy of my world into this world. Without you, that wouldn’t have been possible.

J.H.(2)

I’m thankful that I took the time out to finally meet you. The doors that you opened in my head provided the platform for understanding that I might have been wrong in my attitude but I wasn’t wrong in my direction. I’m thankful for the doors that you’ve offered to open for my experiences and my understanding and my exploration of myself and my emotional and intellectual and physical curiosity. I still don’t know if I can walk through those doors yet, but I appreciate your trust in me to be able to think I am deserving of such a friendship that would do that for me[1].

K.G.

You are the newest of my friends and I am thankful to have met you. You provide such an outlet of both mental abandon and intellectual engagement without any expectations from my friendship in return. You allow me to see that life really can be ‘normal’ and exciting at the same time and that doing the right thing doesn’t mean having to give up on one’s dreams … or one’s love. I’m thankful for the lessons you’ve already taught me and I’m thankful for the lessons I’m sure you’ll teach me in the future. And I’m thankful that you send silly text messages from Wal-mart.

T.H.

I am thankful for how you keep me on my toes, the patience that you show in life everyday even when you don’t like my answers, and the love that you give me unconditionally. I am the luckiest father in the world to have someone like you—even when you are a major pain in my ass.

T.M.

Not seeing you five days a week—at least figuratively—would be something I’m not sure I can contemplate. The fact that you continue to encourage me in school, my work, and my life is something that is just beyond merely being thankful. I’m not sure I’d be where I am today without that encouragement (aka stomping on my neck until I said I’d do it) and motivation from you.

This is not a complete list of people. Please don’t be offended if you don’t find yourself here or don’t think you are represented here. I am thankful for ALL my friends in various ways: some of you just for being around at all.

Places For Which I Am Thankful

Work

I am thankful that I have a job. Not just any job, but a job that allows me to pursue my education without fail, that helps me when the chips hit the table so that I could come out ahead of the game, and that has supported me in any number of weird ways from providing avenues of creative output to putting the roof over my head when I had no place else to go.

School

I am thankful that I have the opportunity to go to school. I am thankful that I have the ability to continue my education and further my career and support my family.

Home

I am thankful for having a roof over my head that I can call my own. I am thankful that I can keep it stocked with the food we eat, the clothes we wear, and it is a sanctuary from the chaos and confusion outside its walls. And I am thankful it has a fireplace.

Church

I am thankful that I have found a church which I can call home in a spiritual kind of way. I am thankful that they have taken me and my son in and welcomed us as we are. I am thankful that it is a growing, evolving, and mature place in which to explore further my own spiritual path and share that with others in an open, accepting, and tolerant manner.

Things For Which I Am Thankful

Books

I’m thankful that I still have books. Maybe that’s odd, but I find that my life is enriched by my books.

Health

I’m thankful that I have my health. Okay. Not today, but generally speaking, I’m thankful that I have my health and that it is good and continuing to get better every day.

Zoe

How could I not be thankful for such an animal as Zoe? This amazing animal is an integral part of my family and of my own personal life. I am thankful that she’s survived her ordeals of early puppyhood and that we are carrying on together.

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1. Note: This is a different person than the one above. They just share the same initials. They should be able to tell themselves apart. [↩]

See if any of these sound familiar to anyone. Especially those close to home need to listen up carefully to the next series of posts. Being able to admit to any one or more of these is no admission of mastering them. But admission is the first step to correction. The ADD games are:

• Let’s have a problem
• I bet I can get you to yell at me or hit me
• My thoughts are more terrible than your thoughts
• It’s your fault
• No, No way, Never, You can’t make me do it
• I say the opposite of what you say
• I say the first thing that comes to mind
• Let’s call it even
• Fighting as foreplay

Ready to explore these now? Any of these seem familiar already? I can pick two out immediately that I do constantly and, though I can’t say that I honestly knew I was doing it, I saw immediately (when pointed out) that these are behaviors that I exhibit regularly just by reading the titles and before reading the details. I’ll point out the ones that I self-identified as I go along with a small asterisk*. I’ve marked two with a double asterisk** because I find them to be particularly notable as to my own specific games in every serious relationship I’ve ever had[1].

The Games ADD People Play

Let’s have a problem**

Without enough stimulation, the brain looks for ways to increase its own activity. Being mad, upset, angry, or negative has an immediate stimulating effect on the brain. Whenever you get upset, your body produces increasing amounts of adrenaline, which stimulates heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, and, yes, brain activity. Many people with ADD pick on others to get a rise out of them, to get them upset, to make them crazy. By doing so, they get a rush in the brain that provides the stimulation they crave.

I bet I can get you to yell at me or hit me*

A similar game to “Let’s Have a Problem” is “I Bet I Can Get You to Yell at Me or Hit Me.” Many people with ADD are masterful at getting others to scream, yell, spank[2], and basically fly out of control. They get others so upset that they cannot help but lose it. These negative behaviors provide quite the adrenaline rush but frequently lead to serious negative consequences, such as divorce, fights at school, unemployment, and even abuse. Again, the game is unconscious, not planned. It seems as if the ADD person senses the most vulnerable issues for others, and they work on them until there is an explosion[3].

My thoughts are more terrible than your thoughts

ADD people seem to be experts at picking out the most negative thoughts possible and staying focused on them for prolonged periods of time. It is almost as if they need the negativity to have the mental energy to function. You have probably noticed the people who play this game at work: If ten good things and one bad thing happen, most of their thoughts are focused on the bad thing. These are the people who complain, gossip, find fault, undermine, and pit people against each other. In meets they disagree and find fault. Many ADD people who unknowingly play this game end up isolated, lonely, depressed, and even more negative. People who are isolated from others have a higher incidence of both physical and emotional problems.

It’s your fault

This may be the most dangerous ADD game of all. In it the ADD person reasons that he or she has little, if anything, to do with the problem in his or her own life. Any problem is someone else’s fault. Whenever you blame someone else for the problems in your own life, you become a victim of that other person and you have no power to change anything. Without a sense of personal power, people often feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

No, No way, Never, You can’t make me do it

Opposition also increases adrenaline in the ADD brain. Many people with ADD, especially Type 3, tend to be argumentative and oppositional with people in their lives. These negative behaviors often cause tension and turmoil in families, in relationships, or at work. You cannot let people badger you or irritate you into getting their way. If you allow this game to work, it sets up serious social problems. No one likes someone who argues with everything they say or opposes them most of the time.

I say the opposite of what you say

This is the verbal equivalent to the “No, No Way, Never, You Can’t Make Me Do It” game (which is more behavioral in nature). The people who play this game take a position opposite to that of the other person in the conversation.

I say the first thing that comes to mind

ADD people will say things like “I am brutally honest” and they wear this trait as if it were a badge of courage. In reply, brutal honesty is usually not helpful. Relationships require tact. A doctor entered a waiting room, ten minutes late, to greet his 8 year old patient. She blurted out, “Well, it’s about damn time.” Her mother was horrified and apologized. But this was just par for the course in an ADD household.  This game causes many, many problems. When you just say the first thing that comes to mind, you can hurt someone’s feelings, infuriate a customer, or give away secrets that were entrusted to you.

Let’s call it even*

Many people with ADD play this deflection game. In this game, whenever someone else has a complaint or criticism, the player also adopts the complaint as his or her own. For example, if a husband is unhappy that the house isn’t clean, his wife (the player) complains that he doesn’t help enough. If a wife complains that her husband doesn’t listen enough, the husband will complain about the same thing. If a sibling says that her sister goes into her room and takes things, the sister will say she does that because her sister does it too.

Fighting as foreplay**

In this game there is an intense fight, then a period of making up, which includes making love. The swing of emotions is quick and dramatic. One minute you are fighting, talking about divorce and ready to leave the relationship, the next moment you are making wild, passionate love and feeling blissful. It’s confusing to the participants but makes some biological sense. Once stimulated, you are ready for love.

All of these games are very destructive in ADD relationships. The first step in eliminating these games is to notice them.

And from here, we begin to explore how to eliminate them and set into place better boundaries, habits, frames of mind, and general healthy behaviors.

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1. … with one possible exception. [↩]
2. Though I know a few people who might like this! LOL! [↩]
3. Note: The treatment for this particular game causes the problem to temporarily get worse before it gets better. And it never really goes away since the ADD person will continue to test these boundaries once established. [↩]

Dr. Amen has a questionnaire for the purposes of assessing the various subtypes of ADHD. It’s nothing formal in any sense of diagnosis, but I found that the results were quite accurate when applied to both myself and to Jinx.

I had asked Jenn to work the questionnaire for both of us from her perspective since she knows us best on a daily basis. I wanted a baseline from which to work when I did the same questionnaire both for myself but also for Jinx from my perspective. Her results were remarkably on the mark. My results were shot from the hip at first (intuitive answering) and wildly different from hers. When I went back and really thought about each question, I changed several answers and found that the end results were still different but proportionally the same as hers in the ratios.

Jinx and I have both been formally diagnosed with ADHD, so I’m not worried about that nor am I necessarily trying to replace one diagnosis with another. I find that this complements what I already know. However, that said, both Jinx and I are Type 1 (Classic ADD) subtypes with a secondary Type 3 (Overfocused ADD) subtype[1]. I understand why they call it overfocused but I think it is misleading on the surface. But just the written description fits Jinx perfectly in both cases.

I’m rereading most of the materials again now and focusing on the diet restrictions and additions. I also need to go through my kitchen and list out everything that either needs to be tossed now or will not be replaced once gone. Fun, fun. And all in time for the holidays!

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1. The H in ADHD is a subaspect of ADD and merely means there is a manic or hyperactive element to the disorder itself. Also, there is some indication of a Type 6 (”Ring of Fire” ADD) subtype for me, but in review it is still minimal and a tertiary subtype at best for me—though it may actually have quite a bit of influence in my behavior patterns. It is also possible that the Type 6 responses that both Jenn and I marked are directly tied to my bipolar disorder rather than the ADD itself. The indicators of both are very similar and mine cycle—indicating bipolar—rather than remain persistent—indicating Type 6 ADD. Personally, I wouldn’t mind medicating the ADHD if I thought it would help but I will never again mediate the bipolar. [↩]

I’m massively sick.

Not sure why.

Yuck.

That is all.

UPDATE: I think I broke my toe as well. Shit!

UPDATE2 (AM): I’m so massively sick it’s pathetic. I mean, massively.

Just a couple of random things. As always, a little click gets you a bigger version for details.

I told Jenn she could have her cake and eat it too. But, alas, she turned it down.

I can’t say I blame her now.

Jinx says he has no friends. But, look! Friends! This image was originally taken with him in the middle, but rather than crop out everything but him, I thought I’d prove for the record that he’s full of shit when he says he has no-one to play with. Even they like having their picture taken as is obvious by their need to dance for the camera.

My beautiful Zoe basking in the solace.

My beautiful Zoe realizing that I’m taking her picture.

Me being weird while making aforementioned bundt cake and almost pouring it all over the floor being silly.

Actually, at the moment, I’m feeling a bit sick and extremely tired and there was more rejection than just the cake, so I’m outta here for a while.