There are times when I feel like I’m just hanging on the edge of sanity by my fingernails.

We’ve had a fairly usual weekend insofar as all the standard crap goes. The more things don’t change, the more they really don’t change. I guess it’s just a matter of personal expectations that are sorely misplaced. I think highly of certain individuals and most of the time I am not disappointed by those in whom I have placed such thoughts. But it’s difficult to come to grips with the disappointment when it does happen. I tend to get over it quickly enough but I’m usually always a jerk while I’m dealing with it.

I’ve discovered that one of my shoes is coming apart. Granted, I could have used the money with which I took Jinx to the movies to buy new shoes. Nah, not really. It comes down to priorities. His happiness or my shoes. It’s a no-brainer actually. My shoes aren’t going to fall off my feet because they are a bit warped at the moment. Jinx, on the other hand, deserves a lot despite all the other things going on right now. Part of his problem is the boredom that sets in with children of his kind. I was there. I just had different outlets and was part of a generation that nothing came without great effort to avoid telling anyone that I was bored. The alternative was worse. Much, much worse.

Work is … work. I’ve started sending out resumes elsewhere. I’m not getting anything back, of course, but that’s not the point. And, for the record, it’s not because of any dissatisfaction with my current job. I need to see what options are open or available to me elsewhere—and I don’t mean just another company in Dallas. I’m looking for something either in the Northwest or anywhere on the mid to upper East coast. All things considered, I’m starting to see a different picture and by the time I make up my mind it will be too late for others to change theirs. Choices have consequences. And once you give up the ability to change your course, you really can’t complain about the lot in life you chose when others close the doors to alternatives you could have kept with the tiniest of effort[1]. I haven’t given up hope yet since there is too much actually heading in the right direction: just very slow. But slow is better than nothing in my book.

My birthday is in two weeks and I want a rosary. I have something specific (and custom) in mind, but I doubt it’s really possible at all merely because of the expense. But I think I’m going to find a big bottle of something and forget that I’m getting older[2]. This has definitely been the Year of the Tower. I can only hope that the next cycle is equally as true to form as every other one. I need it. But they say that Karma is a bitch. And everyone hits this Year in their life too. I can’t wait to watch.

I’m trying to get most of Thanksgiving week off work (or work from home) so that I can be here for Jinx. I think we’re going to be spending that holiday with my dad and Ian with some of their friends here in town. Christmas is still up in the air but we might be going to Atlanta for the first time. Ever. That’s not final yet. So I’m not planning on it (and I haven’t told Jinx anything at all about it), but it would be really nice for him finally to have a Christmas around real family the way it was meant to be. And given that everyone in my family seems to be dying at a rapid pace, I think him being able to see his great-grandmother again would be a good thing for the moment. Not sure why, but I just have that feeling it’s a good idea right now.

School is rocking along. I haven’t had a chance to slow down at all to even figure out what next semester should look like. All things considered right now, I don’t want to overload anything since I have so much going on with the home front. I need to be able to find a state of equilibrium much better than I have up to now. And should a miracle happen since a miracle happened today, then I need to ensure that I have my availability open to ensure that I am fully engaging the processes toward goals that I sincerely want to reach.

Oh. My. God. I looked in the mirror this morning after getting out of the shower and I didn’t scare myself. That’s the okay news. However, I noticed that the cut in my hips is starting to show again. Jenn has a name for those, but I’ll leave that to myself for now. I can only say that there mere sight of those lines is enough to keep me pressing forward. No. No. I’m not anywhere close to what I’d like to be or where I need to be for my own health and self-esteem. But there are definite changes that are huge! Totally huge! And, quite frankly, today I look fucking hot. I even wore a belt. Okay. I realize that means absolutely nothing to anyone else but me, but that’s huge! Huge, I tell you. I’m going to begin the hardcore research this week on the fitness program I found to see if it’s the right one for me. If I’m not already at my milestone goal, then I’m ounces away and what does it matter now? I’m there. Time to get serious about getting back to the real thing.

Oh. And here’s the image goal. Granted, I won’t be identical. I’m not trying for that. But just so it’s clear that I’m not aiming for the Fabio look (did I just give my age away again?) and really am aiming for something reasonable (yet still hot), I offer the inspiration for my goal. And, PS: Yes, this is a real guy. No, I’ve never met him but he’s twelve years older than me. If he can look that way only working out three times a week, I can too.

Anyway … today seems quiet. It’s not manic finally. Not to say that it can’t turn that way. But, for now, I’m just in a kind of emotional stasis that feels awkward[3]. I know what I want in life. I know what I want in a relationship. I know what I’m willing to do for both. I know what I’m worth and that’s not something for just anyone. Despite my anger, pain, and insecurity, I’m not going to back down from the fact that I love a woman so much as to go through hell for her[4]. That may die in time, but I’m not counting on it.

innervox

1. ”That’s when I realized I’m part of the problem. Not because I remind you. But because I couldn’t join you. So I left you alone. Don’t give up, okay?”
   —What Dreams May Come 1998 [↩]
2. Of course, this won’t happen because it’s not my style, but it’s the thought that counts, right? No need to put any action behind it when the stray thought is good enough for most people. [↩]
3. ”I feel like a little worm on a big fuckin’ hook.”
   —The Crow 1984 [↩]
4. ”I forgive you.”
   “For killing my children and my sweet husband?”
   “For being so wonderful a guy would choose hell over heaven just to be around you.
   —What Dreams May Come 1998 [↩]