Jinx is out swimming today at school. I thought this was a great opportunity for him to do something different and really cool. They are learning swimming techniques and life saving skills at the same time. He’ll have this time for the next two days too. He was so excited. He continued to count down the days until we got here. It was cute.
Speaking of children: I’ve returned—finally—to a place where I am enjoying the majority of life through the childlike eyes that I really wanted to always keep. And I do mean childlike which is different from childish. I feel like I am faced every day with even more childish behavior to adult problems when I get up and read my email. I’m all about having fun, experiencing new things, and generally exploring the possibilities of ‘why.’ But I’m getting fed up with the childish games that seem to have no point and no end. If they led anywhere sane, I might be okay. But, as is, this is starting to remind me exactly of how someone else acted as they were sleeping with my brother while lying to my face about me[1].
This whole 5am thing is not so difficult on the morning end of things. It’s the bedtime part that’s difficult. I gotta get that last email out. Or I need to check LJ on more time. Or I need to see if anyone said something over at ABC. Or something. My mind just keeps going and going until I force myself to get up and get away from the computer or the book or the kitchen. If I can just lay down, I can generally get my mind to stop. That is at least encouraging so that, in the future, when I do have a mate again, I can provide them with the clue to turn me off from “over there” and get my attention to “over here.” I think that’s 50% of my problem in some areas and especially with her.
I think I want to just put a bullet in my head this weekend. This is all so far-fetched and asinine in scope as to be utterly ridiculous. Not to mention tedious.
Work is better today, but I realized just how many competent and needed people they got rid of last week. I’m totally blown away by all this.
Only three more weeks of school left. I’m supposed to be registering for the spring semester this week, but I haven’t even started looking at what classes I need to take or my schedule at this point only have four—FOUR!!—more classes to take to graduate. Since I got fucked raw in being able to focus on school and now have to play every major parental and social role by myself, I’m truly back in a position of not caring if I finish anymore. What’s the point when the motivation and purpose is gone? But, I’ll figure something out. I guess I need to figure out what I have left first and then go from there. I just don’t see the point anymore.
innervox
- Weird. I just realized that. The attitude is near identical, in fact. [↩]
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