See if any of these sound familiar to anyone. Especially those close to home need to listen up carefully to the next series of posts. Being able to admit to any one or more of these is no admission of mastering them. But admission is the first step to correction. The ADD games are:

• Let’s have a problem
• I bet I can get you to yell at me or hit me
• My thoughts are more terrible than your thoughts
• It’s your fault
• No, No way, Never, You can’t make me do it
• I say the opposite of what you say
• I say the first thing that comes to mind
• Let’s call it even
• Fighting as foreplay

Ready to explore these now? Any of these seem familiar already? I can pick two out immediately that I do constantly and, though I can’t say that I honestly knew I was doing it, I saw immediately (when pointed out) that these are behaviors that I exhibit regularly just by reading the titles and before reading the details. I’ll point out the ones that I self-identified as I go along with a small asterisk*. I’ve marked two with a double asterisk** because I find them to be particularly notable as to my own specific games in every serious relationship I’ve ever had[1].

The Games ADD People Play

Let’s have a problem**

Without enough stimulation, the brain looks for ways to increase its own activity. Being mad, upset, angry, or negative has an immediate stimulating effect on the brain. Whenever you get upset, your body produces increasing amounts of adrenaline, which stimulates heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, and, yes, brain activity. Many people with ADD pick on others to get a rise out of them, to get them upset, to make them crazy. By doing so, they get a rush in the brain that provides the stimulation they crave.

I bet I can get you to yell at me or hit me*

A similar game to “Let’s Have a Problem” is “I Bet I Can Get You to Yell at Me or Hit Me.” Many people with ADD are masterful at getting others to scream, yell, spank[2], and basically fly out of control. They get others so upset that they cannot help but lose it. These negative behaviors provide quite the adrenaline rush but frequently lead to serious negative consequences, such as divorce, fights at school, unemployment, and even abuse. Again, the game is unconscious, not planned. It seems as if the ADD person senses the most vulnerable issues for others, and they work on them until there is an explosion[3].

My thoughts are more terrible than your thoughts

ADD people seem to be experts at picking out the most negative thoughts possible and staying focused on them for prolonged periods of time. It is almost as if they need the negativity to have the mental energy to function. You have probably noticed the people who play this game at work: If ten good things and one bad thing happen, most of their thoughts are focused on the bad thing. These are the people who complain, gossip, find fault, undermine, and pit people against each other. In meets they disagree and find fault. Many ADD people who unknowingly play this game end up isolated, lonely, depressed, and even more negative. People who are isolated from others have a higher incidence of both physical and emotional problems.

It’s your fault

This may be the most dangerous ADD game of all. In it the ADD person reasons that he or she has little, if anything, to do with the problem in his or her own life. Any problem is someone else’s fault. Whenever you blame someone else for the problems in your own life, you become a victim of that other person and you have no power to change anything. Without a sense of personal power, people often feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

No, No way, Never, You can’t make me do it

Opposition also increases adrenaline in the ADD brain. Many people with ADD, especially Type 3, tend to be argumentative and oppositional with people in their lives. These negative behaviors often cause tension and turmoil in families, in relationships, or at work. You cannot let people badger you or irritate you into getting their way. If you allow this game to work, it sets up serious social problems. No one likes someone who argues with everything they say or opposes them most of the time.

I say the opposite of what you say

This is the verbal equivalent to the “No, No Way, Never, You Can’t Make Me Do It” game (which is more behavioral in nature). The people who play this game take a position opposite to that of the other person in the conversation.

I say the first thing that comes to mind

ADD people will say things like “I am brutally honest” and they wear this trait as if it were a badge of courage. In reply, brutal honesty is usually not helpful. Relationships require tact. A doctor entered a waiting room, ten minutes late, to greet his 8 year old patient. She blurted out, “Well, it’s about damn time.” Her mother was horrified and apologized. But this was just par for the course in an ADD household.  This game causes many, many problems. When you just say the first thing that comes to mind, you can hurt someone’s feelings, infuriate a customer, or give away secrets that were entrusted to you.

Let’s call it even*

Many people with ADD play this deflection game. In this game, whenever someone else has a complaint or criticism, the player also adopts the complaint as his or her own. For example, if a husband is unhappy that the house isn’t clean, his wife (the player) complains that he doesn’t help enough. If a wife complains that her husband doesn’t listen enough, the husband will complain about the same thing. If a sibling says that her sister goes into her room and takes things, the sister will say she does that because her sister does it too.

Fighting as foreplay**

In this game there is an intense fight, then a period of making up, which includes making love. The swing of emotions is quick and dramatic. One minute you are fighting, talking about divorce and ready to leave the relationship, the next moment you are making wild, passionate love and feeling blissful. It’s confusing to the participants but makes some biological sense. Once stimulated, you are ready for love.

All of these games are very destructive in ADD relationships. The first step in eliminating these games is to notice them.

And from here, we begin to explore how to eliminate them and set into place better boundaries, habits, frames of mind, and general healthy behaviors.

innervox

1. … with one possible exception. [↩]
2. Though I know a few people who might like this! LOL! [↩]
3. Note: The treatment for this particular game causes the problem to temporarily get worse before it gets better. And it never really goes away since the ADD person will continue to test these boundaries once established. [↩]