You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little
Tease a little more
Easy operator come a knockin’ on my door
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah

I couldn’t resist. Sorry. I am, of course, a child of the 80s after all. LOL!

Most people know that both Jinx and I are diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. Not really a big secret if you’ve ever been around either of us for longer than 30 seconds[1].

I’m working on reworking our diet to help out since many of the neurological issues are very much triggered by the foods we eat. I have a friend who got both her kids completely off medication by following this one doctor’s plan which is more individual-type geared rather than just some generic one-size-fits-all plan. So I started working on determining which subtype of ADHD Jinx and I were. His mother helped out by providing an external perspective as well.

But—and this was part of the point about the Alcoholics Anonymous quip in my last post—sugar is one of the main villains in the fight against ADHD. I’ve eliminated much of the obvious sugar from our diet already. And it shows. However, think about this a minute:

A therapist came up to [Dr Amen] during the break with this story. He said, “I’m so glad you mentioned the sugar. I used to be a very angry person; sometimes I would even scare my family. It made me feel terrible. I even took anger management classes, but they didn’t seem to help. When I eliminated sugar in my diet, I noticed almost an immediate reduction in outburst, plus I felt more energetic, lost weight, and was much more focused.” His personal experience was the same as [Dr Amen's] clinical experience.

Even though we didn’t actually eliminate sugar but merely reduced it by a great amount, I can still say that the amount of outbursts from Jinx has been reduced a great deal and my own focus and anger issues have begun to decrease as well. Neither of us are “there” yet, but I can certainly see progress that makes me take this whole thing very seriously.

So what’s this thing with Alcoholics Anonymous? They serve coffee and donuts. So? Right? What do you put into coffee? What is a donut but little more than sugar in the round? This is why we don’t give ADHD children donuts for breakfast. Not only do they bounce off the walls, but they have no focus, gain weight, and end up with a crash when it’s done. Same with an alcoholic except even more dangerous. Alcohol metabolizes into sugar. In fact, one of the major weight gain villains is alcohol. The calorie intake alone from alcohol is whacked when it comes to proportion with other beverages because of the way that the alcohol is broken down by the body. But, the bottom line is that alcohol is converted to sugar (basically). So when an alcoholic decides to stop drinking and then goes to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with coffee and donuts, they aren’t “getting cured.” They are merely substituting one sugar addiction for another. So instead of removing what the body does with alcohol, they continue it. Which means, it’s just that much easier to do a reverse substitution of alcohol instead of coffee and donuts. Catching on now?

What makes alcoholics so amazingly hostile both before they sober up and after they start to sober up but collecting their karma points in the form of little plastic chips? Sugar feeds anger and hostility. What is alcohol? What is coffee and donuts? Why are Sunday morning Christians trying to cleanse the world by the sword?[2] Why is it so hard for a recently sober person to focus on more than one thing at a time? Why do family members often complain that their newly sober loved one hasn’t actually changed at all in their personality? The sugar intake has not changed and the feedback loop from sugar to brain says, “fuck you!”

It’s not like this is new information, mind you. When I sobered up through that little mandated program the State of Texas so conveniently provided to me, the first two “sessions” were about diet. The first thing they did was explain proper breakfast foods. Oh. And they didn’t have a single coffee pot in the whole place and the “snacks” were hard boiled eggs and small tuna/wheat toast munchies. And water. Lots and lots of water. Not only have I remained sober since that point but my ability to return to a moderate alcohol intake[3] is not feeding the body’s addiction to the sugar[4]. I’m not saying this to pat myself on the back—though I won’t deny a sense of pride for having kicked yet another horrible habit in my life—but merely to suggest that I think diet had a huge impact on my success back then.

So, this isn’t really going anywhere. It’s merely my acknowledgement that sugar is a major, major culprit in my home and I know it and I’m working to reduce it as much as 90-95% as I am able. And, of course, it is my explanation as to my Alcoholics Anonymous snark earlier.

innervox

1. … which is about the length of time it takes for one of us to bounce across a wall or chase a tangent. [↩]
2. Oops. Sorry. Crossed wires. [↩]
3. … which really means that I could do one or two drinks a year a couple years back, but now just don’t care to drink at all. [↩]
4. … and, in fact, most drinking now makes me slightly ill-feeling which is why I just don’t go out of my way to drink at all. [↩]

Thank Any God It’s Friday!

It’s definitely been an interesting and educational week.

I’ve reconnected with some old friends, made some new friends, and learned a lot about friends that I should have known but either didn’t or forgot that I did.

And I’ve made some choices for myself, for my child, and for my family that have far reaching consequences that I’m totally prepared to live with. But all in good time, right?

The images below, as usual, can be clicked for larger versions.

Blessings

I have one amazing child. Okay. Actually I have two amazing children, but the one that I’m raising is the one that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I cannot believe how far we have come in just a couple of months. We have some pretty major hurdles to still cross, but we’re getting there slowly and with a determination that is just unbelievable. This boy deserves a medal. Allow me to share (sorry, it is from a cell phone):

Goofy Jinx

I took him to his favorite seafood place last night since I’m working on providing him with something special every paycheck to ensure that he knows that he’s doing really well in life overall and that I appreciate the patience he gives me in life right now. I think all relationships are two-way streets, even when the other person is a child[1]. Needless to say, he was totally thrilled.

I have one beautiful and amazing dog. You will never find a more gorgeous and faithful animal. (Okay, you are free to disagree about your own animal, but I’m telling you …) She is loyal to The Boy, lays at the door every morning waiting for me to open it so she can go in and wake him up, makes sure that he’s in bed on time in the evening (and even gets fussy if he keeps getting back up over and over again after he’s supposed to be in bed), and just generally dots over him like a hen. And when she’s not doing that (or trying to be a bully to other dogs from the safety of the second floor balcony), she’s pretty much laying at my feet constantly. Allow me to share again.

Beautiful Zoe

I’m blessed with a brain that I know how to use efficiently.

I still have a job. And, after conversations yesterday, apparently I’ll have a job for a while. At least while we’re still in Dallas. I’m going to make a new push for changes sometime next year, but I think I’m going to run through this in a bit different way. And I’m going to see if I can find a “manager” of sorts to help with this. I just don’t have the time to focus all my energy into figuring out where we need to be for best results or even how to get there/afford there. And especially since I have absolutely no idea where there is right now.

Lessons

As I grow older, I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me.
—H. Rider Haggard

I regret to say that I’ve learned this “detestable habit” is not more widespread among those around me. Or, more to the point, that what I consider to be simple is actually quite complicated[2] for some people. Priorities, for instance. I would think that there are some things in life that are just not on the table for compromise. Granted, I’m an idealist in many ways. I see the potential nature of humanity rather than the muck and shit it really is. If there is anything that I’ve learned through this personal injustice that has been inflicted upon me, it is that people really are just monkey suits full of shit. I have watched while multiple people—including Jenn—choose something that is no more and no less a physical response than taking a morning shit over the deeper and more important considerations of existence. And then the sad part is that some of these will actually say—though not Jenn explicitly, save in action alone[3]—that this spasm is something deep enough to destroy whole lives over.

I’m learning finances. Yes, in fact, I do have a spreadsheet now. I was once given some advice to “make lists.” I’m as much ADHD as my child and without the stabilizing force that my beautiful and talented (and now AWOL) mate brought to my manic little brain[4] I seem to have no earthly idea which way is up or how to stop my mouth from running long enough to properly pay my bills. But I am learning. Quickly even.

I’m learning that I that I talk too much. Except the funny thing is that I really don’t. And then I find out that what is really the problem is the uncomfortable nature of the honesty for one or two people[5]. When I said I was no longer going to blog, that I was going to shut down this site, the response was massive and overwhelming[6]. And so I continue to blog openly, honestly, and aggressively. And now with a daily pattern to follow. LOL!

5am comes early every morning. But I am learning that I really can do anything I set my mind to do. Next week I am going to add a bit more physical work to my mornings. However, I have learned just how valuable an hour can be. It’s one email written, it’s four paragraphs on a blog post, it’s ten/fifteen pages in a seriously deep book (a bit more on something less serious). It’s not really a lot of time and it can be wasted so easily. And what I translate that into is just how much time is wasted between people. I’m learning to move this lesson to my relationships too: to make every hour count with them. Because that hour might just be enough time to lose something forever or to capture the heart of someone before it’s too late[7].

Opportunities

Jinx keeps begging me to take him to the fitness center. Unfortunately, for him, the past couple of weeks have been extremely hectic on the school front as this semester is drawing to a close. But this is such a missed opportunity on my part and I know it. Since my 5am routine is going well (just the first week) and I’m building toward my physical program, I made a promise to him that we would go to the fitness center two nights a week. I haven’t kept that promise yet, but I need to sit down and work out a better evening schedule than we currently have. Right now, we’re kind of scattered in the evenings without any real direction except “do homework, have dinner, do whatever, bath/bed time” and it works but just not really efficiently for everything he and I both want to do.

I tried to share a memory last night with Jenn. It’s one of my favorites, but given the context it’s probably little wonder why. She wasn’t always like this. And, quite frankly, I’m starting to wonder if the memories are all false and I just made them up. But, I mean, there was a time when one might think that we lived straight out of a movie scene. It was just that too good to be true. It just didn’t seem to really phase her or move her: it was just another night in life I guess. But it was the winter of 1999[8] and cold. Very cold. We had a fire, blankets on the floor in front of said fire, a child laying quietly between us, and we read The Thousand Nights and One Night over a period of weeks, stopping at the breaks—in the middle of a story—just as the frame story itself stopped. We even made love in front of that fire several times after The Boy (then The Baby) was asleep and the story ended. There has never been a single moment in time that I have felt closer to someone on every level of my own desire at the same time. Various times, various desires, different people: sure. One person, every desire, all at once? Never before. Never since.

The reason for the memory? Allow me to share:

Future Memories

Any number of guesses as to what I was thinking? Yeah. Not hard to figure out. But I don’t think this was an opportunity missed by me …

innervox

1. Though I do wish I’d learned to express this a bit sooner for other relationships. But better lesson learned and applied now than never at all. [↩]
2. And, for the record for that person in the middle of the complicated vs simple discussion we’re having, this comment is totally unrelated. [↩]
3. And her actions and behaviors and words are pretty deceiving at the moment and I’m not really ready to try and start interpreting those any more than I have already since I’m still trying to find the silver lining here and hand it to her. [↩]
4. The problem, of course, is that I also figured out that I liked being reliant on her for some of these things. I liked being able to focus without having to be concerned that my life was going down the drain. Of course, she was flushing me down the toilet instead of actually supporting me, but that’s a different matter altogether. [↩]
5. And, ironically enough, instead of engaging this sense of uncomfortableness and working through it or challenging awkward statements—like D. did when I misrepresented our break-up—all I get is silence and hostility. Grow up already. It’s been said often enough: I’ve never been good at making other people feel good. I’ve only ever been good at telling the Truth. That’s one thing about me that I don’t want to change—except maybe the “feel good” part. I’d like to at least make some people feel okay. Just not at the expense of pursuing Truth. [↩]
6. Keep in mind that I read my stats. I know how many people hit this site each day, each week, each month. But I take those stats with a grain of salt. I realize the return rate is between 67-82%, but still I look at it as an opportunity. And, to mention it, the readership only fell 0.32% when the warzone broke out and I started blogging my woes with Jenn but then went up 3% in the first week after I came back online 01 November. I say all this because what I read into this (and I am reading into this with some assumptions, to be sure) is that people are interested in my thoughts and my fucked up life and, more importantly to me, how I succeed or fail at putting my values and principles to practice in my own life and interactions with others. [↩]
7. And, as someone said this morning in an amazingly hostile mode, that hour could be spent in a ditch wondering if anyone other than some random not-so-random fuck really gives a shit. [↩]
8. Don’t you hate when stories start out like that? It was the winter of 1773 and the huddled masses gazed off at the soldiers in horror … [↩]

Just shoot me now.

It’s Hump Day and once again it’s not me who’s getting humped. But at least we have that out in the open too. Shame. There are some things that do not have compromises. And there are some things worth fighting for in life. And there are some things worth destroying people’s lives over.

Sex is not one of them. But apparently sex is so important to some people that they will do anything to ensure they get it at the price of losing everything else in life[1].

Bear with me here: this is a true story.

I have this friend who is faced with some unbearable choices. I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes. He and his wife just finished their divorce[2] (as in, it was final last week) and the reason she started the process was because he decided that his sex life (of which she was a part but just not a major part) was more important than even their own kids. They had only been married for five years and were together one year before that.

I doubt I have to tell anyone who got sole custody of the children. The reason? The judge specifically said that a spouse who wouldn’t be faithful to his wife couldn’t be faithful to his children and should have limited to no contact with them based only on her willingness or lack thereof at any given time. He’s devastated. I spoke with him at length because I feel like I’m in a similar situation. Choices have consequences. But if we can live with those consequences, make those choices. The fact remains, he didn’t believe that his actions and activities with another woman would impact his relationship with his kids (he has four kids). It was just sex. He had no intention of moving in with her. He wasn’t even trying to leave his wife. But he got himself a cute piece of ass and wanted to keep it on the side while telling his wife that it was her fault he was emotionally distant. And now, while still able to see his children because she (allegedly, I don’t know this as a fact) thinks that he might change his mind someday, the judge effectively ripped his life apart and then gave him the max amount of child support Texas can give: 50% of his paycheck to his ex-wife all because he refused to participate in the offered counseling that his wife (the cheated on party who didn’t have to do a damn thing if she didn’t want to) tried to set up[3].

The only thing I could say to him was: Moron. Here’s a woman who loves you with the ability to have a second shot to clean up your act, keep your kids, rebuild your marriage, and learn to love your wife the way she deserves. I doubt she was perfect either and I don’t know her at all. Never met the woman. But no-one is perfect. But even now, he was out to see this other chick over this past weekend. I know because I overheard him talking about it to someone else. He’s stopped telling me about his affair since I told him two months ago that the piece of ass wasn’t worth losing his children or a woman who apparently still loves (loved?) him. So, personally, after I found all that out, I told him just this morning: you are an absolute idiot and you deserve what you get. If someone offered me a chance to keep my family together because I screwed up, I would do anything I could to find every flaw in me, in my relationship, in my partner and start immediately to work on correcting those issues openly and honestly.

Granted, my situation is a bit different. But I’ve approached it about the same way. Yes, technically, I am the wronged party here. But while I still have bouts of anger and hostility, for the most part I have retreated into a self-inspection of how my actions and attitudes contributed to this situation and how I might correct me to make the future better. The only thing I’ve asked in return is that I’m met with the same thing so that we might resolve this in a manner that is mutually beneficial and healing to our relationship and family. I’m not sure I see this as unreasonable.

But more importantly, I see the massive changes I’ve made in my life and I’m well pleased with the results. They are not complete by any stretch of imagination, but I’ve made more progress toward personal personality goals in the last two months than I have in the last two years. I’ve grown more in the last two months than I have in the last five years. I don’t say that to pat myself on the back. I say it because it’s true[4]. I’m actually starting to like who I am again. I’m actually starting to realize that I am worth something more than to be shit on because I can be (and am quite often) a jerk. I’m actually starting to see that my morals and my convictions and my goals are not the problem my life is facing. All of the above include the people I love, the family I want, and the mate I desire for the rest of my life. And that is not subject to compromise.

So what does any of this have to do with Hump Day? I sit at the top of a hump in life at the moment. Everything could slide one way or the other on such simple choices. It could slide downhill backwards into a mess of anger, resentment, and bitterness. Personally speaking, I think there has been quite enough of this, thankyouverymuch. Or it could slide downhill forwards to gain some momentum to reach the next hump and continue forward over the humps of life like a roller-coaster and we find enjoyment in life again.

I wonder which you would choose if you really had the choice in front of you? Would you choose a backwards hell or a forward motion toward change and happiness? Is that really a choice?

Yes. Yes, apparently for some, that’s actually a choice they have to think about.

Not me. I’m just pausing long enough to see if my special someone is going to actually strap on some skates, grab my hand, close her eyes, and trust me when I make that first push off the right foot this time.

Happy Wednesday to everyone! I hope all your choices in life make you ecstatically happy.

innervox

1. And I really am one to make the price as expensive as possible. [↩]
2. It seems like we have an epidemic of divorce in our company right now. I can count at least six different people with their relationships starting, in the middle of, or finishing up a divorce that all started around September. Weird. [↩]
3. Apparently, she offered again in court to halt everything for counseling to avoid divorce, but the judge wouldn’t order it and my friend refused it again in open court and it was, he found out later, a major factor in the judge’s decision against him in the custody portion of the case [↩]
4. Check my waistline if you don’t believe me! LOL [↩]

Jinx is out swimming today at school. I thought this was a great opportunity for him to do something different and really cool. They are learning swimming techniques and life saving skills at the same time. He’ll have this time for the next two days too. He was so excited. He continued to count down the days until we got here. It was cute.

Speaking of children: I’ve returned—finally—to a place where I am enjoying the majority of life through the childlike eyes that I really wanted to always keep. And I do mean childlike which is different from childish. I feel like I am faced every day with even more childish behavior to adult problems when I get up and read my email. I’m all about having fun, experiencing new things, and generally exploring the possibilities of ‘why.’ But I’m getting fed up with the childish games that seem to have no point and no end. If they led anywhere sane, I might be okay. But, as is, this is starting to remind me exactly of how someone else acted as they were sleeping with my brother while lying to my face about me[1].

This whole 5am thing is not so difficult on the morning end of things. It’s the bedtime part that’s difficult. I gotta get that last email out. Or I need to check LJ on more time. Or I need to see if anyone said something over at ABC. Or something. My mind just keeps going and going until I force myself to get up and get away from the computer or the book or the kitchen. If I can just lay down, I can generally get my mind to stop. That is at least encouraging so that, in the future, when I do have a mate again, I can provide them with the clue to turn me off from “over there” and get my attention to “over here.” I think that’s 50% of my problem in some areas and especially with her.

I think I want to just put a bullet in my head this weekend. This is all so far-fetched and asinine in scope as to be utterly ridiculous. Not to mention tedious.

Work is better today, but I realized just how many competent and needed people they got rid of last week. I’m totally blown away by all this.

Only three more weeks of school left. I’m supposed to be registering for the spring semester this week, but I haven’t even started looking at what classes I need to take or my schedule at this point only have four—FOUR!!—more classes to take to graduate. Since I got fucked raw in being able to focus on school and now have to play every major parental and social role by myself, I’m truly back in a position of not caring if I finish anymore. What’s the point when the motivation and purpose is gone? But, I’ll figure something out. I guess I need to figure out what I have left first and then go from there. I just don’t see the point anymore.

innervox

1. Weird. I just realized that. The attitude is near identical, in fact. [↩]

I have been swamped with shit today. Not in a bad way, but my normally scheduled Sunday posting will be moved to tomorrow or whenever I can get to it. I had some thoughts I wanted to share, but this morning’s amazing, well, morning, our second week at church, and the rest of the day spent trying to get the rest of all this homework finished and turned in has made the day go by quite quickly. Since I’m starting my new bedtime/risetime tonight, I have less than an hour left and I’m going to spend it reading a bit. What I had to write would take longer than that I think anyway.

Overall, just a glorious day. But now it’s over and time to rest a bit before starting tomorrow. 5am comes early I hear and it will be interesting to me to see how I make it through the day itself getting up that early. Maybe I can at least start on my Sunday thoughts in the morning while I have my coffee. Get a good start on the day that way.

Starting on Monday (that would be the 17th of November), I’m going to be rising at 5am and laying down at 10pm each day. I might modify this slightly for weekends, but the general rule, I think, will stand. My goal is to get my body adjusted to an earlier bedtime (than midnight which I’ve adjusted to recently due to events and need to get laundry done) and an earlier wake time. Once I have that adjusted properly, then I can get up and start the beginning phase of the HIIT routine. But I don’t want to just start getting up early, jump into this high intensity workout, and burn out in the first 30 seconds because my body wants to still be asleep.

This is also what I mean earlier when I said I would be doing small things starting pretty much immediately to lay the foundation for my 2009 Total Wellness Program. If I can get myself acclimated to certain routines, then adding pieces to those routines will be much easier than just hitting everything full force upfront and burning out too quickly.

But this requires, also, that I attach some kind of mental or emotional meaning to getting up. For now, I think I’m going to set my coffee maker[1] and set aside some time for either a bit of study, if there is something lagging, or actually working through a couple pages of a random book as leisure. Once I am comfortable that I am okay with this routine—and that shouldn’t take more than a week or two at most—then I can start with some of the more routine stretching and rapid walking with Zoe when I take her out. This, then, gets me in the mode of actually moving once I get up. First I’m up just doing something enjoyable (reading, studying, etc). Then I’m moving when up. Next I will add the routine itself and then I’ll be moving rapidly when up. LOL!

Of course—and watch while I make this excuse in broad view of you all here—the worst time in the world to try to readjust sleep times and routines is when two major holidays[2] are about to hit and children are out of school. Jinx will want to stay up late every night. I’ll be working from home on Thanksgiving week and I won’t want to get up so early since I don’t have to drive into the office so I’ll want to sleep in myself. Then there is Yuletime break for Jinx. He’s off for two weeks (and I still don’t know what I’m going to do then!) and the same excuse kicks in as well.

But I think if I can get started right now, then I have a better chance of defeating my own excuse process. Also, I don’t want to start ‘tomorrow’ for the same excuse reasons. It’s already 11pm and I’m wired for sound on a manic swing that’s doing me no good at all. I have homework issues that I need to get finished by Friday and very little time to get them done now. Trying to adjust my schedule would not be healthy this moment, but once I have the weekend to rest, set my aim, and firm the times I want to hit, I should be good to roll.

If you want to change something, make it happen. Be methodical and fluid about it. Set objective and reasonable goals. Then do it. Once January hits, I’ll probably start looking for a partner in crime on many different things that are on my 2009 Total Wellness Program.

innervox

1. Thank you, Dart, for such a wonderful loan—I believe you fixed the leak, generally, when you were last here by pointing out the mechanics I missed. [↩]
2. As an aside, I think I’m going to adopt the Jewish day that starts and ends at sunset rather than sunrise. Not sure why I like that idea. It’s a mental shift, to be sure, but there is something about starting one’s day with the calm darkness of the evening rather than the blinding rays of the morning, starting the day with rest and comfort rather than hectic running around to get everyone moving and together. This isn’t really important per se, but it’s a thought. I like that. I’ll have to see if I can adjust my thinking to wrap around it without too much effort. [↩]

I’m developing a Total Wellness Program for myself. Technically speaking, it’s for 2009, but I’m going to start most of it within the next couple of weeks in order to begin to mold my daily habits around making smaller changes so that the foundation is there for the long term changes. Overall, this is a preferable way to go in any regard. Wholesale changes—like with New Year’s Resolutions—generally are doomed to failure because of their unreasonable and outrageously broad scope. If I can work through the details of my own program, then I can be within a state of ‘wellness’ by next summer that gives me a great deal of which I can be proud in my own accomplishments[1].

But also, this gives me a chance to introduce, or reintroduce, some older practices in various areas that I’d let slide over the last four to six years.

My Total Wellness Program is divided up into five areas. Following the oriental phases or movements—wood, fire, earth, metal, and water—the Program focuses on developing an equilibrium (as opposed to strict balance) of all areas of life in harmony with each other area.

Wood	Fire	Earth	Metal	Water
Birth	Growth	Maturity	Dispersal	Death
Assertion/ Gentleness	Imagination/ Compassion	Groundedness/ Reflection	Letting-go/ Openness	Willpower/ Adaptability
Outward	Upward	Grounded	Inward	Downward
Social	Spiritual[2]	Physical	Emotional	Psycho-sexual

There is no strict mind/body/soul type breakdown here as with most Western systems. This is more about equilibrium and harmony than separation and individualized parts of a human being. But nonetheless some very clear aspects can be seen here that can be used as models for individualized work and progress and I have listed those as I see them in the last row of the table above. (I am totally open to suggestions to alternatives with my particular categorization of these aspects.) Using this breakdown, I have developed a set of mutable goals that will evolve over time and as specific milestones are met. I haven’t created the milestones quite yet, but I’m working on finalizing how I want to approach this overall. But, generally, my goals follow a pattern of growth, maturity, and expansion of expression. The following is not complete, but merely some random thoughts that may or may not remain when I finalize my initial goals during the rest of 2008. Some of these, of course, I will be working on already. Many of these will have to be reformed in more objective and reasonable ways, but these are, as I said, general or overall goals that I have brainstormed as what I want out of life and for my life. In order to achieve many of them, they will need to be defined in achievable steps. But, for now, these will do as examples.

Wood Goals are quite simply about social interactions, social anxiety, and continued social expansion in my life. Such activities and goals include:

• to have at least one evening/night per month to myself to stay at home alone, go out alone, go out with friends, do something that involves a lack of computer but includes either personal time with myself and my own activities or activities with other real human beings—and learning the difference in the two types of time[3];
• to have at least two evenings/nights per month with someone special—defined variously as a “Significant Other” or significant friend with whom I can relate on a more personal level than merely gossip level conversation (or any of the above on a rotating basis)—that involves a lack of computer or other extraneous interferences[4];
• to continue my current church exploration to find a religious community in which I feel at home and comfortable for myself and my family[5];
• to learn communication skills that includes the ability to clearly and without inhibition make my personal needs and desires known when appropriate and includes the ability to listen carefully and with an open mind to the same in return from others.

Fire Goals are about spiritual clarity, expansion, and conviction in my life. Such activities and goals include:

• to be a part of a religious community that provides me with the resources, contacts, and opportunity to expand my knowledge while offering avenues of service to the community;
• to continue to pursue and achieve my goals of education and religious exploration on as many fronts as I can establish while keeping a reasonable pace with my abilities, talents, and resources;
• to develop a spiritual devotional program for myself that leads to the creation of a more robust and healthy approach to thelemic liturgy, and to return to an active pursuit and manifestation of thelemic virtues as I understand them;
• to work toward providing multiple avenues of basic and healthy spiritual perspectives for my son without necessarily persuading him in any specific direction.

Earth Goals are about health, wealth, and stability in my life. Such activities and goals include:

• to continue to return to a healthy weight while building myself up in the image that I perceive of the divinity within me;
• to change my diet to be compatible with my commitment to a sustainable future for my children and to fit within a reasonable expectation of my resources and personal preferences[6];
• to further define what is reasonable on a financial level for more than merely the survival of my family but to establish financial independence and security;
• to pursue a career within my chosen field and push to find relevant employment when financially feasible.

Metal Goals are about mental and emotional health in my life. Such activities and goals include:

• to invest in reading at least one book per quarter[7];
• to seek professional mental and emotional health advice on building up my self-esteem and rebuilding my confidence in myself and my goals;
• to be open to rebuilding trust in others and realize that with trust comes the possibility of betrayal—and to be willing to take that chance anyway;
• to work through my angry and emotionally controlling behavior toward a more reasonable and responsible behavior for my son and my personal relationships.

Water Goals are about psycho-sexual development, exploration, and confidence in my life. Such activities and goals include:

• to rebuild a healthy sexual response to intimate relationships;
• to explore further my inhibitions and desires on a level that is open, honest, tolerant, and responsible for both myself and others with whom I may be involved;
• to resolve certain hang-ups that I may have involving past relationships, past experiences, and future possibilities;
• to determine and seek out an experience with which I have never been intimately acquainted[8].

These are not merely milestones or goals on a one-year program. Many of them, if not pretty much all of them, are life-long pursuits that require commitment, dedication, and drive to accomplish and then maintain. And it is in this latter department that I fail most often. I’m pretty good with the accomplishing things. It is after I have accomplished something that I lose grip and cannot maintain that progress only to slip back into old habits and patterns of behavior.

One might say that the 2009 Total Wellness Program is loosely akin to the deconstruction and reconstruction of my personality during the 1996-1998 years.

But that’s it. I mean, that’s the outline. I think it’s ambitious, but I also think that I have it down—in my head, at least—as something that isn’t about specific goals per se but about each area of life beginning to feed off other areas and build up other areas as well. It is about a total wellness rather than merely a diet or merely a shrink.

It is about a total life change that starts out with the basics and keeps on rolling over the discarded bones of both past success and past failure.

innervox

1. Though this would be just scratching the surface by summer, not a “completion” by any means. [↩]
2. This might be more accurately termed Spirito-Epistemological since I consider my mental/knowledge faculties to be intimately tied up with my spirituality. [↩]
3. The point here being time outside of the standard “family” ties but within whatever acceptable boundaries I happen to find myself. [↩]
4. Though should I suddenly take up “gaming” then the obvious needs of resources overrides the specific constraints here. [↩]
5. However “family” may be defined over time. [↩]
6. This means that I probably will not go strictly vegetarian, but I can minimize many things that I eat or pay the extra for the food materials that are established as more environmentally friendly. The cost increase alone will minimize such consumption thereby furthering my personal goals without necessarily forbidding anything at all. [↩]
7. Given my school and work schedule along with other current personal responsibilities, this is reasonable even if on the light side of things. [↩]
8. This may actually be difficult to do for me, but I think it really is something that I need to do for many reasons, the least of which is to break through the sense (or lack of sensation) of monotonous appetites and repetitive behavior. [↩]

Thank Any God It’s Friday!

Fridays are the last day of the work week. Generally people seem to be thrilled to get out of work, go hit it at a bar, and tap the nearest chick (or dude) that’s willing to put out for little more than a temporary spasm that’s deemed more important than sincerity. I listen daily to the supposed exploits of the guys in the row behind me—some of them even married—and it seems so very empty to pursue such a lifestyle. I understand, to a small degree, the mating rituals of the desperate and lonely. The constant drive to be out and about, to have a different sexual partner each weekend (or even the same one but without the “inconvenience,” so-called, of a commitment), and to either feel like a conquest has been made or some physical fantasy fulfilled. I find it desperate, needy, insecure, totally unromantic, and completely unappealing at all. I’ve reached a point in my own life that not only will I not participate in such rituals but I refuse to be drawn into the life of anyone who finds such activities appealing. (This isn’t a rant against sex or even against sexual fantasies within a relationship, but the method of procuring relationships—or avoiding them—at such pathetic lengths. And I probably shouldn’t have ranted in the first place.)

I, on the other hand, find Fridays to be the beginning of an opportunity for adventure. What kind of “trouble” can we find that will open doors of excitement and fun? But Fridays are also a day to look back at the week and reflect on lessons learned, blessings found, progress in life made, and opportunities taken and missed.

Lessons Learned

I have learned to use the word ‘impossible’ with the greatest caution.
—Wernher von Braun

My mouth (fingers?) is my biggest enemy. Combine a lack of emotional coping skills with the literary output of the L. Ron Hubbard estate and you get a recipe for confusion, contradiction, and catastrophe.

Not everyone is out to “get something” for themselves even when they can admit to being selfish about their motives. It’s a paradox that I find oddly comforting right now.

My dog is developing a bully complex while my son is developing a victim mentality.

Biology suxors hard.

If you leave your doors open at night when it is 40° or less outside, you can expect that both your son and your dog will hate you in the morning no matter how much it will save you money on the electric bill. Domestic disharmony with a Labrador Retriever and a 10 year old is not worth the cost savings.

Blessings Found

Sometimes a single sentence can turn a heartbreak into hope. This could go under Lessons Learned too, but this is definitely something that needs to be practiced more. It could change the world.

I have—believe it or not—a network of actual friends. I’ve often considered myself to be a horrible friend because I don’t get out, don’t party, don’t run around on my mate to spark other people’s lives, don’t focus on much more than my family and its needs, don’t sit on the phone for hours every night talking about the weather or other gossip, and don’t generally go out of my way to make others feel good about themselves. I just have more practical things to do in daily life than all that—even if I am more than willing to be there for someone if they light up a flare in my direction that sends ‘help’ through smoke signals. But I have discovered over the last month (and then some) that my friends actually love me for me regardless of my perceptions of myself or the reality of my lack of involvement in their daily lives.

While my constructed family continues to make life difficult in every way possible, my natural family has continued to live up to the understanding that I’ve been developing in myself of late. I am blessed by a father who does not judge, has not taken sides at all, continues to be concerned about the tiniest details no matter where he hears them from, and desires the best for his family as a whole even if they “married into it.”

For the most part I spend so much time in my head, in my studies, in my pursuit of happiness for Jinx and myself, that I forget that I actually have a babysitter on tap. I was reminded this morning when her mother informed me that she had inquired about sitting for me and how that might work out. I’ve just had no time, no opportunity, no desire, and no company to plan such an occasion around. Not that I’m complaining. It’s something that I find myself not needing, but comforting that it is available as an option. Given that Jinx has asked me if I would “make up” an excuse for him to have a sitter some evening, I might just have to do that once I have a little extra cash sitting around. This week, however, is not going to be such a time. We’re still hurting for funds even though the major disaster was avoided. But I thought that it was such an amazing thing that it came back around as it did.

I seem to have made a new pen pal. I’m not being dismissive or ungrateful here at all, really; the distraction is nice from the routine. It’s little more than the ability to chat with someone new—given they are married and (A) don’t seem to be looking to get out of it and (B) I’m not interested in perpetrating the same thing that has been done to me—but it is a world of difference to just be able to not have any expectations, desires, underlying motivations, or complications in a conversation. It’s nice and open and rewarding. That’s all.

Progress Made

I continue to have good health. I’m losing weight on schedule and I am sitting at a hair’s breath away from starting a new program to continue this trend even further. To date I have lost a total of 24 pounds since late August. I am a mere 2 pounds (as of last Friday) from my first milestone and 15 pounds, after that, from my second milestone. From there it could go either way depending on the routine I end up with. I’m not concerned with the number on the scale as I am with the body mass index at the end of the day.

I am back on track for school. I’m having difficulties with Biology at the moment and I’m struggling, but I am making it nonetheless. I will accomplish my goals.

I’m not doing so hot on the finance level but I’m learning a lot. I think November will be better in the sense of getting more focus. October was more of a fly by the seat of the pants kind of financial planning. December will be rough, but I think January will bring much more stability. The lists are definitely helping in this department too.

But, hey!, it’s Friday and that means it is just that much closer to taking Zoe to the dog park, starting a new adventure with this church, and exploring other cheap/free outlets for an excuse to act like a kid. I’m trying to keep my mind off the activities of other people since it just drives more stakes into any possible progress in my own life and I want to have fun with people rather than get caught up in their pathetic drama and lack of self-control. I’ve found that by being more conscious of my own actions and my own activities, I have increased my enjoyment of life rather than sink into boredom.

As I’m teaching my son finally: only the boring are bored.

Success is a strange thing. It is completely possible to reach success in any goal so long as you follow six very simple Steps. So many people want to make such a big deal out of success. Whole seminars are given on the topic and thousands of dollars spent trying to learn the secrets. And who needs Twelve Steps when you can have twice the success in the same amount of time with Six Steps? (Or the same success in half the time!)

But this is a Six Step Program that will absolutely bring success every time it is used whether it is for the elimination of addiction or aiming for that promotion at work or merely saving enough money to take the kiddies to Disneyland or saving a marriage. It’s not some great mystical secret, but it might as well be. Even I had have a hard time putting this into practice in my own life. And, of course, just when I think I have it all figured out and I don’t need the Steps, I get hit with a massive reality check. I am far from a shining example of this process working, but I’ve seen it work too many times to dismiss it as just another brainwave that got lost among the idealism of youth.

The Six Step Program (to Success)

These first three Steps are the backbone of success in achieving your goals.

I: Formulate goals in specific and measurable behaviors or circumstances.

This is incredibly important. The goal of a "happy marriage" is not a goal. While it is specific, it is not measurable with any objective standard. At what point does the marriage become "happy"? It is not a behavior or a circumstance in which one can participate in and of itself. There are other behaviors and circumstances in a marriage that can contribute to the idea of "happiness" and which are objectively measurable. "Curing addiction" is another non-goal. The idea that one need specific and measurable behaviors or circumstances in order to define a goal is vital to success. I will no longer drink is not a goal. It is not specific enough. I will not drink has an implied meaning of alcohol in most circumstances, but in order to actualize success one must be specific. I will not drink anything that contains alcohol is a measurable and specific behavior. I will get help for school is not specific or measurable. I will apply for financial aid for school is a specific and measurable behavior.

II: Plot your goal on a calendar.

Lists and calendars are your friend. Be very specific. I will fill out all the financial aid papers no later than June 4th. That is a very specific timeline. I will take that Math test no later than this Thursday. Or Today I will not drink anything that contains alcohol. These are not only specific timelines, but they are specific circumstances or behaviors that must be met. Make a list of what needs to be accomplished and then lay it all out on a calendar. Set realistic but firm dates for accomplishing those very specific tasks. And then, once a week, review them to ensure they remain reasonable. Do not push back any dates in your goal. You may, however, pull forward dates if progress is being made in a more timely fashion than anticipated.

III: Control your goal (before it kills you).

Goals are not fantasies or dreams. They can start out as either, but dreams and fantasies must die as fodder to the process of creating goals that are vital and controllable. You are the master of your destiny. No one is going to hand you success out of a bottle. Since goals deal with behaviors and circumstances, only you can control which behaviors are profitable and in which circumstances you either need to avoid or need to avow. Part of being able to control these kinds of things is an honest assessment of one’s self and one’s abilities. You must be able to work toward those things that you know you can do, not those things you know you cannot do. If you do not have the resources to climb Mount Everest—i.e., you don’t have the climbing gear, proper clothing, etc—then your goal will offer you up with a slight case of death.

The next two Steps are interlinked. They are best summed up in a quote from the world of chess:

Whereas strategy is abstract and based on long-term goals, tactics are concrete and based on finding the right move now.
—Gary Kasparov, How Life Imitates Chess

IV: Strategy is everything.

Strategy is long term planning for success by standing outside the forest to count the known trees and estimate the unknown trees. It is the maneuvering through the labyrinth in a methodical and committed manner. It is the foresight to take breadcrumbs whether or not you think you’ll need them because you probably will need them in the end. Strategy is looking at the big map and seeing how all the roads fit together to get from Point A to Point B. Not everyone has this ability naturally. Those who do are often seen as shamans or second-sight mystics. Being able to put down the big picture in writing, to see the ABCs of how to get to your goal is invaluable to success. Without mapping out that plan and seeing the whole, the pieces just don’t fit together very well.

V: Define your tactics.

As strategy is long term, tactics is the immediate response to changes in the now. The war may be won through strategy, but each battle is won through tactics. You must know what resources you have available to you from the human factors around you to the physical resources at your disposal (e.g., car, phone, internet connection, rent paid, etc). Tactics is an assessment of everything around you that you can use to your advantage of achieving your goal or some piece of your goal right now. This is another place where lists come in handy. List out everything that you have, everyone that you know, and every avenue that you know to be immediately open and accessible. Tactics allows for doors to close rapidly in your face and yet you are still able to get out a window and continue on down the yellow brick road with little to no loss of real time involved.

This final step is of utmost importance and is where most people fail, ultimately, to accomplish their goals.

VI: Be answerable for your goal.

Find a mentor. Or a buddy. Or a shrink. Or an accountant. Or a sponsor. Or a preacher. Just find someone to whom you can be answerable for your goal and following through on the Steps necessary to reach success. It’s too easy to give up on goals when it’s only you doing the work and talking to yourself in your head. But when you pull in a buddy to bug the hell out of you on a regular, pre-agreed schedule, then you have to actually do the work or start making excuses. And the buddy is there to call bullshit on the excuses and encourage you to follow through while offering up great praise on accomplished milestones.