Jinx and I did Turkey Day at our church. It would seem that it is a yearly tradition to do a pot luck at the church and while I thought it was geared more toward singles and just the randoms in the church that might not have a lot (or any) family in the area, it turned out that there were quite a few families that showed up too. Overall, I’d say about 50-60 people. And the food ranged from regular turkey to tequila-lime turkey to mashed potatoes to tofu and mushrooms to vegan salads and other dishes. I was totally blown away by not only the diversity of food but of people that attended. There was an above average noticeable presence of those wearing pentagrams—make of that what you will—and the lack of friction at all between the more “normal” (is there even such a word among UUs?) individuals and the pagans earth-centered spirituality individuals was equally as noticeable. It was quite amazing.

And, oh, how the wine flowed. LOL! Okay. Actually, more coffee and tea flowed, but wine was in abundance as well.

I asked Jinx what was his favorite part of the whole afternoon at the pot luck and he said, “All of it, dad. It was all good.” And it was too. I think we’ve finally found a place we are comfortable enough to call our spiritual home for a while. It’s definitely a spiritual community of dissimilar ideas and constructs that are finding harmony in the journey through the forest without getting bogged down over the trees. It is a very comfortable feeling.

We got home and I’m still massively sick. I’m not convinced it’s the flu anymore, but I am fairly convinced this might be food poisoning. So we’re taking it pretty easy. I’m sick, so I’m whinny. But I’m not going to whine about being alone or lonely. Or pathetic. But know that I am. And, all things considered in the last 96 hours, I shouldn’t be. And I think that is even more pathetic—and dishonest.

I did put up the smaller of our two Yule trees for this year. Eventually this one will go on the balcony while the larger will go in its place. But given the lack of any actual living room furniture in our home, I guess it does kinda look out of place for the moment. I won’t bore anyone with pictures. It’s not “trimmed” yet, just white lights, but there is a kind of simplicity to it actually that is quite refreshing. I may just keep this one like that (and especially since it’ll be an outdoor tree soon).

Tomorrow is going to be a lazy day. My home is a disaster area (for the first time since we moved in here) and I have no energy at all to clean. It takes everything I have right now to get up to fix Jinx’s meals. Even this entry has taken me three hours to type out because sitting up for an extended period of time ends up making me nauseous. And I keep trying to fall over in a narcoleptic-type shock to the system. I think I’m going to actually hire a maid for a once a month cleaning. I can do the basics and keep things the way I prefer them, but I also prefer something a bit more intensive as well. Maybe I’ll be not so whinny and more capable of doing things this weekend, but right now, I just want a maid. LOL!

Overall, not too bad of a holiday—aside from a couple of emotional issues that came up. It’s been quite nice and our day was completed by such an amazing reception and inclusion by the members of our church. It was our first real event with them (outside of Sunday services) and it was the most open and welcome I’ve felt in a long time anywhere.

Just a couple of random things. As always, a little click gets you a bigger version for details.

I told Jenn she could have her cake and eat it too. But, alas, she turned it down.

I can’t say I blame her now.

Jinx says he has no friends. But, look! Friends! This image was originally taken with him in the middle, but rather than crop out everything but him, I thought I’d prove for the record that he’s full of shit when he says he has no-one to play with. Even they like having their picture taken as is obvious by their need to dance for the camera.

My beautiful Zoe basking in the solace.

My beautiful Zoe realizing that I’m taking her picture.

Me being weird while making aforementioned bundt cake and almost pouring it all over the floor being silly.

Actually, at the moment, I’m feeling a bit sick and extremely tired and there was more rejection than just the cake, so I’m outta here for a while.

5 in the morning came really early … um … this morning. I had issues trying to sleep last night and didn’t even get in bed until after 1:00am. Back up at 5 again and on through dawn. Great. The day is quiet enough. It’s a holiday week and even though I still have work in one class, then other is all “makeup” work and I’m already caught up.

In many ways in life, I feel like a newborn with a machine gun. So many things are new in life and that’s exciting, but I’m not willing to be fucked with anymore as I emerge into this new world around me[1]. However, life has turned out to be much more colorful than even I gave it credit for being in the first place. I prefer this life. I spent so long hiding from it because of fear of people, fear of exposure, fear of interaction. I’ve even ruined whole relationships for this fear. Better late than never, I guess.

I’m still working on plans. It appears we may still be leaving town this weekend. Given that we have no family in town for the holiday and no plans, we got offered a trip out east and I think we’re going to take it. I have to work out a couple of details, but it sounds like fun. And it gets our 2009 travel plans off to a good start.

Have I mentioned that I miss her so much it physically hurts? Yeah. Okay. Let’s get something clear here:

Bitchy, Hormonal Interlude: Skip As Needed

You’re kidding, right? The whole current situation makes 2004 look like a holiday in Portugal Paris. I mean, I’m not sure I’ve actually been through anything like this before. It is now at the ludicrous stage of impossible to grok any rhyme or reason to her motivations, actions, desires, goals, plans, anything. I’ve never been more confused over all this than I am today. Never! And I’ll say this one more time: getting the shit beat out of me on a regular basis was much easier to deal with. But I have no more illusions about ’staying together for the children.’ Jenn cured me of that when she very patiently explained that “being a man” was no excuse to put up with the abuse even to keep a family together for the kids[2]. Of course she now thinks I’m supposed to take her shit too. But I’ve learned well. Maybe not well enough, but I’m not perfect by any means[3]. I just have so much equity in this relationship (a topic I’ll come back to later in my Sunday post that hasn’t been finished) that I don’t want to see it lost over either of us being stupid (which we are being anyway even if I’m the only one that can admit it).

I only wanted (still only want?) one thing for my birthday this year  (and it was not sex—though I certainly wouldn’t turn it down at this point). I’ve spent two months trying to prep the groundwork for this but, alas, it’s not happening that I can see. So while certainly a guilt trip—with flourish even—the final insult to injury will be complete and I will be finally cured seared of all attachment to this fucked up situation. Should this actually play out as I anticipate, then I certainly know that the future is singularly fixed with only Jinx and I moving on (and away soon). Fortunately, however, the drama will go away too—never to be seen or heard from again. Maybe there is a god after all? The problem is, of course, that I wish to be surprised by what I’m not anticipating. I guess I want to anticipate the unanticipatable or some kind of miracle? Yeah. Okay. Explain that one to me. LOL!

Moving Right Along Into Manic Mode

I owe three people emails today. I need to get started on my homework. Work is uber-slow for some reason.

Speaking of work, the idea that these guys can all sit around over there in a pow-wow and do nothing but talk golf, women’s breasts, and beer is astounding to me. Is this how I’m supposed to be to be successful, “keep” a woman, and find fulfillment in life? How utterly pathetic!

I was told this morning that I have no ass. Actually, I was told that I have no ass and that it was getting even more nonexistent. What the hell? I have an ass, thankyouverymuch!

I have like 5(?—huge, at least) gallon pasta cooker. I only mention that because I spent all last night making Chex Mix. LOL! That entire thing is full up! Of course, I then realized this morning how inconvenient that is when Jinx reminded me that I promised to make him spaghetti tonight for dinner. Oops. I’m not sure how the munchies will help my fitness goals[4], but I’ll have to play it by ear.

Oh. Speaking of fitness goals …! I went jogging this morning. Oh. My. Fucking. God. First, I’m not really sure my knees can handle this kind of abuse (and any comments from the peanut gallery will be met with swift sarcasm and sharp wit). Second, I need to learn how to run again. I know that sounds really weird, but I found myself trying to figure out how to pace myself. I mean, I’m a former track and field guy but this isn’t like riding a bike[5]! I’m going to keep going, of course, but … fuck! … this is going to be tough.

But just think about how fucking fine I’m going to look next summer when we hit the beach and I take off that shirt (with SPF 9000 sunblock, of course)! LOL!

Speaking of food: I’m getting this whole shopping thing down too. Jinx and I went grocery shopping last night. I have a budget of $200 and I make my list before I leave the apartment home. I’m pretty good, usually, at sticking to the list. Except this time. I was throwing shit in my basket right and left. But it was like the Chex Mix. I spent a little more to buy all the stuff for it than just a single bag of the pre-made stuff, but came out with six/seven times more Chex Mix with just the stuff I like in it. So worth it. But, really, I was picking up stuff that really wasn’t on my list and only forgot to pick up two “optional” things that I’ll go back and get for later this week. My total? $160. And, like I said, that included the garbage that wasn’t on my list that I last-minutes-shoved into my basket. Hello? We have so much stuff right now that I was running out of places to put it all. We are stocked to the gills and I might not even have to do a full shopping next paycheck.

Uh huh! Uh huh! Im in uz grocery store scarin’ uz lettuce, makin’ it wilt! Uh huh! Uh huh!

Speaking of healthy things, I started buying this bread for Jinx. He loves it. It’s sugar-free bread! He doesn’t seem to mind that it’s wheat bread either even though he initially tried to turn his nose up at it. But I really never thought I’d get him off white bread. Now I’m working through trying to learn what else I can get rid of and replace to continue the trend of removing the far majority of processed sugar (for starters) out of his diet. I know I won’t be able to eliminate it all, but even a 50% reduction would be helpful and I think (with wide estimates here) that I can get him down by 80-90% by the end of January if I try hard enough.

Okay. Well. That’s it I think. I’m all talked out for the day. I just need to work on my Sunday post (that will come out after this Monday post and I need to work on that better next weekend!) and figure out how to get into some trouble around here.

Anyone up for a little trouble with me?[6]  Heh.

innervox

1. And, quite simply, I just want someone who will love me for me without reservation or regret. And: yes, yes; I know that I have Jinx, but I’m talking about adult relationships here for many different and I would think obvious reasons. Since I’m not going to get what I desire, I’ll have to start working on settling for what I can get or remain alone. A weekend spasm may be okay for some, but I’m not satisfied by such shallow behaviors and base urges. They’re fun with someone special, but I’m not interested in “just a fuck” or a weekend fling “because I can.” I’m not an 18 year old teenager in heat anymore. [↩]
2. And, to be frank about it, I have yet to consider staying with Jenn “for the kiddo.” Not happening and not interested. I want—*sigh* yes … still … even now—to stay with her because I care about her, her future, our future, us, and I love her. Just not sure how hard it is to grasp this concept. [↩]
3. I am, however, very grateful for the lesson in life even if it has certainly been learned so well now as to be extremely dangerous. I will only take so much—even though that is far, far more than most normal human beings—before I pack it all up and go home leaving a trail of mass destruction and chaos in my wake. I am just that petty thanks to Jenn’s careful training of how to deal with abusive partners. The Psycho™ still has never fully recovered from losing that war no matter how many more battles she won over me. I’m not the pussy that Jenn found 13 years ago though either—I only play one for effect. Wow. I just have this strong urge to break out into quoting Darth Vader: When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master. [↩]
4. … even if it might help my ass! [↩]
5. I really hope sex isn’t this hard to relearn! LOL! [↩]
6. Sorry, though. If you aren’t blonde (under black for now), beautiful, and run by the name Jenn, I doubt we’re going to find much trouble together. At least for quite some time to come. Sorry. [↩]

It’s so freakin’ freezing! (Actually, it’s just low 40s, but still…)

It looks like we will be trying to hit five states in five months in 2009 plus one possible overseas venture (though this latter is the prenascent stages of planning so I can’t really say much). Some may wish to keep their hotel rooms to hide things, but we’re planning on trying to get around without hotel rooms to see if we can’t meet some old friends and make some new ones. Since Jenn made her final intentions clear on Friday, the push to figure out new job possibilities and living arrangements will begin soon[1]. I feel like breaking out into Motley Crue: My heart’s like an open book / For the whole world to read / Sometimes nothing—keeps me together / At the seams / I’m on my way / I’m on my way / Home sweet home. It’s been a tough ride thus far and I think I’m starting to see the light[2]. Life around here is about to take off not just for the better—since it’s already that—but to new and spectacular peaks and valleys.

But let’s talk about the fun stuff! As if travel isn’t fun! Puh-lease!

Jinx and I went to Half Price Books, Gamestop, and IKEA and had a blast. We had Swedish meatballs for a snack since we’re having early dinner with my dad, grandmother[3], and other son late afternoon. I did pick up some DVD racks that just rock cool. Granted, that means that I have to be Mr Fix-it Man and put them up. I’m still trying to get the hang of things that I didn’t used to do on a regular basis. Not really my forte. But I’ve become quite handy with a screwdriver.

[dramatic pause inserted here]

I might even have to start craving power tools for Yuletide.

[another dramatic pause inserted here]

So very few people will actually get the humor in that and, sadly, the one who will doesn’t give a rat’s ass[4]. But we did stop by Half Price Books. I found a collector’s set of the Beauty series by Anne Rice. I almost bought them since it would appear that our library is going to be torn asunder by the same selfishness as our lives. But I really wanted to buy them as a gift[5] and decided against it. I did, however, pick up three books that were on the clearance shelves:

• The Plucker: An Illustrated Novel by Brom
• The Ruins by Scott Smith
• Poetry and Prose by Walt Whitman

Running around IKEA is just not the same withou…

Jinx and I had a blast running through IKEA. I so wanted to make some larger decisions than I did, but I needed a new set of flatware (since I just don’t have enough, believe it or not, for three since I try to minimize using the dishwasher every day) and a papertowel holder, and just some other small things. And I did pick up a bag of meatballs (minus the lingonberries this time) and the DVD racks. I probably shouldn’t have, but it’s just one more thing I can get out of my hall closet and out into the open.

Going to head off to finish cleaning the apartment our home and get all the laundry put up. Then it’s off to dad’s for a bit and see what the rest of the evening holds. We are working on planning next weekend out of town with some friends since we’re not doing Thanksgiving this year at all[6].

I gotta stop this bitter thing. Saturdays are supposed to be about the fun stuff. I guess I’ll work on getting these posts right starting next week. I mean, I stopped repressed everything else so that I can turn my life into a ticking emotional timebomb, but apparently this is the way I’m supposed to be since peace, love, and happiness is not allowed[7].

Okay. I’ll end with something goofy. While this is certainly a “home made” movie (and the creator admits it), it’s not the video but the song that struck me. LOL! It’s cute. And it’s one that will just go right over someone’s head. Of course, the video gives me heartburn for the simple reason that I can relate right now and it’s depressing to me to work so hard for so many years to have and give so much only to have it be tossed away for nothing more than a wet spot in the sheets.

I can’t help it, I’m just falling; I’ve learned from my mistakes and baby I’m not stalling
Sweet light pouring, sweet like cheesecake, porcelain skin, for heavens sake
Just gimme a break, just gimme some time, just gimme that look and I’ll make you mine, oh Valentine
What a pick-up line, butterflies and cloud nine, in decline all the time
You always do, you always do, you put me through this mess everyday

innervox

1. I’m still living in a state of willing denial and need some time to process all this new information (and allow the fantasy in my head some time to change her mind). [↩]
2. Maybe not, but it’s fun to think that one has finally reached a plateau of understanding. The loss is sharp, but the future is full of so much possibility and potential just waiting to be explored. Tough shit for those who aren’t interested in going with us. Their loss—and I’m beginning to feel no sympathy for demands that are highly unreasonable. Get on the tour bus or stick with the little bicycle you’ve picked up out of the gutter. Once the bus leaves, it ain’t coming back for any reason at all. But shut the fuck up either way and shove that attitude back in some unused hole. [↩]
3. … whom I haven’t seen since my mother died last year [↩]
4. I guess I just so really miss the humor, conversation, and connection we had that she claims (ironically, given the ability to joke about certain obvious things that only she would really get) never were real. It’s actually quite heartbreaking. I really don’t want to have to spend another 13 years trying to start over to just reach the point with someone where a single sentence can hold so may different layers of personal meaning that are filled with joy, laughter, love, and incredible memories. [↩]
5. As I sat there are stared at them, though, I realized they would be taken as expected, never really appreciated for the gift (or the meaning behind the gift), and then such thoughts yet again turned to someone other than me. I’m dealing with some harsh realities here. Nothing I do is good enough at all for someone who claimed to have loved me so much. [↩]
6. It’s all good. It’ll be fun for us both to get away from the uncertainty, chaos, and lack of presence that addiction has pissed all over us for the last couple of years. It’ll be really nice to be around people who care about us rather than just themselves. [↩]
7. It’s just that getting out to “live life” makes me realize how much my experience of life itself was wrapped up totally in my experience of living my life with her. Obviously, the converse, for her, is not true. So many things are still fun but ultimately feel empty because I’m not enjoying them with her next to me smiling, laughing, playing, and enjoying the same things like we used to do—even though she still sits around claiming otherwise. And, quite frankly, nearly all of … well … everything is stuff I would just rather do with her than without her. Most of it was special because she was part of it not because of the experience itself. [↩]

I have been swamped with shit today. Not in a bad way, but my normally scheduled Sunday posting will be moved to tomorrow or whenever I can get to it. I had some thoughts I wanted to share, but this morning’s amazing, well, morning, our second week at church, and the rest of the day spent trying to get the rest of all this homework finished and turned in has made the day go by quite quickly. Since I’m starting my new bedtime/risetime tonight, I have less than an hour left and I’m going to spend it reading a bit. What I had to write would take longer than that I think anyway.

Overall, just a glorious day. But now it’s over and time to rest a bit before starting tomorrow. 5am comes early I hear and it will be interesting to me to see how I make it through the day itself getting up that early. Maybe I can at least start on my Sunday thoughts in the morning while I have my coffee. Get a good start on the day that way.

I guess it’s good that most of our things are still in boxes.

My eyes are open wide
And by the way, I made it
Through the day
I watched the world outside
By the way, I’m leaving out
Today

As if my life couldn’t get any more fucked up weird …

Let’s back up a moment to what will appear at first to be a completely random, unrelated, and quite inane event in the life of a toothbrush.

Yes. You read that correctly: a toothbrush.

Several days ago, I was brushing my teeth with said toothbrush. I mean, that’s what you do with toothbrushes. Right? I’ve had this toothbrush probably a bit longer than I really should, but all things being the same, a toothbrush really isn’t on the top of my shopping list when I have more important things to buy—like 2-in-1 warming massage oil and new bed sheets[1].

So I’m brushing my teeth before work and my toothbrush broke in half. I’m not exactly upset about this. It was one of those strange “vibrating” toothbrushes and the vibrating thingy was erratic at best. Sometimes it worked when it wasn’t turned on and other times it worked randomly and seemed to almost never work when turned on properly[2]. So it broke in half; the vibrating “base” that you hold and the whatever-its-called top that you put in your mouth just separated. I guess they stopped being attracted to each other.

So, like any responsible individual, I threw it away.

Moving right along with this story: day before yesterday, I had to stop by Wal-Mart for a couple of quick things on my way to get Jinx from daycare and I picked up a two-pack of toothbrushes for myself. Non-vibrating kind this time.

And that’s the end of the toothbrush story.

Until tonight when I jumped on the bed to give Jinx a kiss as requested by a text message from his mother (to be “given” from her kinda vicariously) and discovered, rudely, that his blanket was buzzing.

Now. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge believer in good hygiene with the package in one’s underwear. I’ve often said that I find it to be a terrible waste of time to be handing out toothpicks after sex.

But there is a limit to what I can mentally process in one week with a child[3].

Now what? I wasn’t prepared for this so soon. Another two or three years at least. Ugh. I’m so in over my head already.

innervox

1. That’s a joke, people! Really. [↩]
2. Sounds like most women I know, but anyway … [↩]
3. … since I haven’t actually written out the story of his in-school incident and suspension these past two days [↩]

It’s been a whirlwind of a day already.

We got up this morning, started laundry, shredded papers, and cleaned a bit (though not enough).

We went to meet one of the lay leaders of the local Unitarian-Universalist church down the road for a bit. I still haven’t made up my mind officially, but we might start heading over there on Sundays starting next week. I have enough going on this week and I’m not really interested in the “political” topic they have planned for tomorrow. Don’t really want to start out on that particular foot. It would seem they have a small but growing “pagan” (or “Earth-Centered Spirituality”) group there. Apparently it is more social oriented than “ritual practice” oriented, but that’s fine by me. If I wanted to get naked and howl at the moon, I would find me a sex/wine/women cult and go there. (Wait. I just resigned from the Order. My bad.) So we’ll see. The kid’s materials are looking good already and generic enough to not stick in my throat. Just really basic values and ethics (virtues) that could be seen as general humanity toward others. I’m okay with that. He needs more of that around him anyway.

We stopped and had lunch at Souper Salad and then came home to a bit of conflict that we resolved with a tenuous truce and some “go to our own corner” type therapy for an hour or so. Like many things, a bit of quiet solves many things and a quiet, invisible voice from around the corner in the hall just asked me a bit ago if he could help me sort through the boxes I am going to work on this evening and get the stuff moved around. I did, of course, accept such a generous offer from such a polite young man. I, in turn, offered to make Ramon Noodles for dinner since I know that some nights that’s just his favorite thing in the world next to ice cream. All things all better now.

In other news, the doctor and I agreed to up his dosage on his medication a bit to see if that would help. The school and I agree that this year is a bit rough. However, I think we were all willing to suggest that the previous situation with his mother and me was at least mostly responsible. I’m not so sure now and think maybe we allowed that situation to overshadow a bubbling issue with him growing up, getting bigger, and the medication just not being enough. We’ll see though. We just started the new dosage today, so it’s going to take a week or so to see if there’s any results.

Otherwise, he’s fit as a fiddle and I’m only 2 pounds away from my first weight loss milestone. In less than two months, I’ve lost over 20 pounds by nothing more than changing my eating habits and walking the dog (and mind-crushing, soul-warping emotional trauma, but who’s being picky about the details!?). Starting mid-November (*crossing fingers here for determination and dedication*) I will be hitting a regular routine to drop the last 25-30 pounds in body fat and/or pumping up the muscle replacement. But I don’t have a new goal set quite yet. One step at a time, one goal at a time, with no expectations of success or failure, just keep pressing on for better physical health, better looks (for my vanity sake), better emotional/mental health, and better outlook on life. It’s coming together nicely already into a total package of which I can be proud to share with someone who can appreciate it in return someday.

But, now I need to go jump some hoops in my office and get things torn apart so that I can trash some things and put other things up while I still have light. I forgot to buy light bulbs the other day and my office lamp seems to like eating them (sometimes literally as the glass on my floor last night showed). So it’s daylight work or hunt and peck at night. And the nights should be reserved for other things with other people and I’d like to get in the habit of reserving that time. Maybe someday I’ll have someone to share that time with that isn’t interested in Pokemon and Ben 10. Until then—WooHoo!—let’s sort some books!

bishop out!

I like shopping. I think. It’s an odd experience. I’m used to walking behind someone and slipping little things in the cart that I just can’t live without [dramatic hand to forehead inserted here]. But I intentionally went with the purpose of pretty much hitting staples and stock materials rather than meal-ish type things. We did get a couple of things “extra”—I couldn’t pass up the Strawberry Cheesecake Muffin mix since I know someone who loves Strawberry Cheesecake, muffins, and breakfast in bed (and I did buy a bed tray as well) and my brain shut down momentarily in a weak moment of dreaming. Before I knew it, I had four different muffin mixes in the cart. Oh well. Worst case scenario is that Jinx will eat them all anyway.

For those concerned with my water intake, allow me to put your mind at rest. Here is a pic of my fridge. Really.

Yeah. Moving right along. I got canned veggies, sauces, finished up my vinegar “collection” and made sure I was stocked with Worcestershire and Soy sauce among others. I passed on restocking and adding to my spice menagerie since I didn’t like the selection I found. And we bought ground turkey and turkey sausage over the beef/pork/extra-who-knows-what stuff. He’ll never know the difference but yet proclaimed all the way home how much he loves turkey burgers. I just want to get away from too much beef product. I think that’s been part of my digestive issues for the last year or so. Got quite a bit of tuna, pasta sauces, and even treated myself to a box mix for tabouli.

All in all it was an experience.

Oh. And I got Theraflu even though I think I’m actually at the tail end of whatever this is. I still have some stuffedupness and watery eyes, but the massive UGH feeling and leaking brain cells part of all this seems to be passing. *crossing my fingers*

I started a Home Wish List the other day of people needs in the wake of not having the “one person who did all this before” around anymore.

I have a couple more positions to add.

Mechanic. Every 12,000 miles or when that little thingy on the dashboard goes red. Car cleaning and detailing qualifications optional. (Me? Have you ever seen oil and grime on these hands?)

List Maker. This is a new position, but one that I’ve taken up doing myself. But I’m quite sure I’m missing things. An outside eye would be nice.

Librarian. Have you seen my books?

Tea Maker. I love tea. I hate making it.

Sounding Board. Having someone listen is one of the most important aspects of stress relief. Finding someone in which one is able to confide the most intimate details of one’s mind is a rare and valuable gift indeed.

Granted, much of all this is tongue-in-cheek, but there is some truth to the fact that the large majority of these things were really taken care of by her in the past. (The gym bunny is a bit of a stretch and chef is only partially true, but still …) Much of what I’ve accomplished in the last several years would not have been possible if she hadn’t been there doing so much for me.

I would like the following please.

A Gym Bunny. When this person works out, I get the results. They get all the pain, I get all the gain.

Personal Chef. Seven days/nights a week, this person rocks cooks! But when I have company, I get all the credit for how good it all tastes.

Maid. And must be able to do windows too.

Nanny. Only needed for after school, homework, and one day a weekend so that I can spend my day “doing” school. Otherwise, not really needed except in emergencies. I’d rather raise my own kid, thankyouverymuch. (NOTE: this position could be filled by an indoor jungle gym without any loss of financial resources on my part.)

Dog Bather. Enough said.

That’s a start. I think with that pentabishopian wish list things could be quiet well rounded indeed.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

If you listen carefully to children, you can learn a lot about life. I’ve always found Crowley’s perspective to be acutely perceptive on the matter.

Children should always be present at any important conference; because it is a gathering of the galaxy, & the least of its members may say something which, however absurd in itself, will start a train of thought in somebody else’s mind which will give the proper solution.
—Aleister Crowley, 1923.

I find that if I listen closely enough, Jinx will teach me things that seem so obvious—and anyone after the fact would also say, well duh, of course—and yet seem so hidden from thought.

We were on our way home from the State Fair and I was messing with my finger. He asked what I was doing and I explained that I had discovered a small infection on the side of my finger next to the nail bed. It was the pressure of the fluid that was uncomfortable and I was pressing on it to squeeze the fluid out and relieve the pressure. I commented that pressing on it, though, made it hurt actually worse for a time.

His comment: well, stop doing that.

Of course. How simple. How obvious. A wound exists and it hurts because of the pressure of the toxins and the counteracting cells that are healing the wound. By pressing on the wound and releasing “the pressure” two things happen: more pain and the escape of the “good” cells that are trying to heal the wound. The wound then takes longer to heal. The pain itself does nothing of worth here except make me more uncomfortable.

Now, think metaphorically and see what I see. Out of the mouth of babes, indeed.

Musing

I’m reevaluating my depressive approach to my future in regards to school. I had set out to delve deeper into my motivations for my current educational path. I’ve been a bit sidetracked—go figure!—and I haven’t really been able to pursue that line of thought. However, given that I’m still in Phase 1 and it’s all about the basics, I really have a bit more time to answer that question. However, that’s not my musing here. After much thought in a different direction, I decided that I cannot and will not give up my school for any reason. Even if some phantasmal reconciliation hinged on it, I would have to question the ethics of anyone who would deny an individual their goals in such a way. (This isn’t to say that reconciliation is possible, first of all, or that reconciliation couldn’t demand other concessions that were reasonable in relation to certain superficial goals. I don’t find education to be superficial.)

But given the state of things, I believe that I have the resources to build a real world “wireless network” of people that would be available for certain needs in order to continue to pursue my education. I have a babysitter now that is available and a backup as necessary. One more backup wouldn’t hurt, all things considered, but I’m good in this department so far. The weird times I need to be on a campus or need an adult evening every couple of months or so is all covered. I have a personal consultant, of sorts if she’s not offended by such a re-titling every other week, who is explaining the necessity of lists. I need to make a list of the people-bound resources that I need in order to function on a level as I did previously. One person may not be able to provide all the support that Jenn did alone since she worked miracles—and I wouldn’t expect anyone to do so alone: or even her now should that phantasmal reconciliation miraculously fall out of someone’s ass—but if I can pull together five or six people (or however many in the end) that can make up the deficiency, and then trust them as I did her (until July 2008) to follow through every time, then I might be able to pull all this off with a reduced stress load on me, on Jinx, and on everyone around me.

But I’m still musing on this one. I need to think on it more and I need to start a list.

Musing

It would seem that I’ve made my way through a triplicity of women to which I can attribute certain conceptual pains. Amy abused my body. Allie abused my emotions. Jenn abused my soul/psyche. In each case, I have defended—at one point in time or another—the abuse as merely a pathological expression of something to which I could not relate and I have made irrational and impossible attempts at reconciliation that no sane man would give to these individuals (the default reason for my insanity being labeled ‘love’). I had no explanation and certainly could not fathom any reason why I should be a target of such pathological behavior. This isn’t a martyr complex, it’s a genuine attempt to understand how I get myself into these relationships and yet do not learn from them. Each time I think I know the causal agents and so I avoid them in the next relationship only to find the same agents again. But in each case the next is merely an escalation of the last, a higher node, if you will, of the one before. But I believe—and I believe this is one of the personal issues I have to address to find a functional mental health plateau—that the causal agent is not in them but in me. I am the cause of my own abuse.

Maybe I just need to stop pressing on the wounds?

Musing

Why do we only really fight on weekends? Why is everything from Monday to Thursday peanuts and capable of proper, humane, and civil conversation even in the most heated of disagreements? Is there some pumpkin hour on Friday that changes truth to lies, and civility to hatred? Why do I care anymore? Hasn’t this gone on long enough without any honest movement that is worth anything? Haven’t I given everything asked of me now without anything truthful in return? And the funny thing is all I asked for was a single sentence: granted, a complete sentence with a subject, verb, maybe a few adjectives or adverbs thrown in for good measure, and at least one parenthetical or hyphenated clause for clarification would have been nice but not overly necessary. Is that too much to ask? Text message leet-speak is about the best I can expect. Why bother?

Musing

Where to find a living room set—for nothing or next to nothing—that fits within the design style being aimed for here. I think we’re going to name our style 333B Baker Street—A Cthulhu-Holmes Fusion.

Okay. That’s not a real musing here. Well, it might be, but I want to end on a high note here.

To date I’ve lost 13 pounds. I’m actually having trouble keeping my pants on. No. Seriously. I mean that literally, not metaphorically (since the latter is quite literally not happening anyway, not interested at the moment except for a minor major exception that is never going to happen). Jinx and I have been talking about a three day routine of heading down to the workout room during the weeknights. But, for the record at least, I take four brisk walks a day (what other pace would expect with a Lab on a leash?): one in the morning, one after I get home, one after dinner, and one before bed. Sometimes more on the weekends. We are looking for a dog park to let her run off the leash too. But anyway, I’m getting good exercise right now on a daily basis, but I want more. I’ve said once I’m under 200 again I will head off on a different routine and maybe take a harder look at the HIIT program. Given what I read so far, it’s something I could get up 15 minutes earlier than I do and get it in just fine before the rest of my normal morning routine. To be 170-180 again by (at the latest) summer would be just too awesome.

We’ve already changed our diet. We no longer buy soft drinks. I buy water by the case and I’m only buying juices for Jinx (though probably not the best ones, but I’m alone here on this!) while encouraging more water. I bought
him his own water “pods” from Wal-mart tonight. He actually is drinking them before the juice! We’re working on modifying sugars in general (though that is a bit harder with a 10 yr old—I’m exploring some cost effective alternatives with a friend who has two ADHD children and eliminated their meds through food in less than a year since I don’t trust his insurance will be there for long). I’m also working on moving all our food to a more natural foundation. It’s going to take me a little time to get it all right, but we’re on the right track so far.

But in general I’m already healthier than I was two months ago. I’m under more stress and emotional distress on top of that, but I’m thinking the diet change is probably keeping me from having a heart attack too. I wasn’t much heavier than this and had much less stress when I had my first one. I also think that working on a new “project” like me and Jinx and our general health would be good for my mental and emotional health. It’s a positive focus. And that can only be positive, right?

So Jinx and I were discussing our situation last night sitting at the “dining room” table. I have a small computer desk in the bedroom for him (though I haven’t setup the computer yet but will this afternoon) and I need to move a couple things around for space use purposes. I do need a small computer chair in there for him, but I’ll have to see what I can find for $20 or so somewhere. The “den” (or as will hereafter be referred to as either the “office” or the “dog house”—since the dog, literally, has her cage in there too) is full of boxes of books. In order to get the two bookshelves from the living room to the office, I have to move the boxes. Of course, that just means that the living room is full of boxes again. But that might force me to start actually putting books on shelves. (I need to do a new inventory now anyway it would seem.) Once I get the office resolved, then I can move my own computer activities into there and get away from the “dining room” table where I am currently spread out amongst a mess of papers and textbooks.

But the big question is about the living room. So after we finished our discussion on how we should approach next week since we have no daycare available and we continue to be left with broken promise after broken promise for some of the simplest and stupidest of things therefore we shouldn’t wait on the promises that were much more important, we turned our attentions to the living room.

Jinx is funny. My question is do we want to look for a living room set of furniture (whatever that might be as it is still undecided) that is in some brown shade or a burgundy color. Jinx jumps up and says Why do we need furniture? I like it like this. And if we need to have people over or I want to sit out here and talk—so he rushes off to the bedroom quickly and comes back with a pillow—then I can just do this. He proceeds to throw the pillow down, lay down on it with his hands behind his head and one leg crossed over the other, and says See? Perfect. We don’t need a couch, dad.

Okay. That was just way too bachelor for me. But it did make for a great laugh.

I was thinking either a sectional (which I don’t really want) or a three-piece one couch and two chair set. The typical bulky couch isn’t really what I want, but the stylish couches like I have in mind are usually too uncomfortable (and too small) for any decent rest or conversational activities in a more relaxed position. And it usually can’t hold two very well. Heh. But, on the other hand, they are much easier to clean under.

There is still the question over whether or not Jinx and I will be going to the State Fair tomorrow. While we have the free ticket for him from school, I just don’t really have the funds to throw around for everything else. I just don’t. But he’s so set on going that I may just have to not eat for another week and suck it up.

However, for now, I have to get ready for my exams and get out of here. And then it’s back here for another drop-off of things and conversation. If I can work it out, then I’ll probably just do homework the rest of the day and especially if we do go to the State Fair tomorrow then I’m going to be a day behind on other work. So today is going to be busy and, as usual, I have no help from those who allege responsibility. It’s all those who don’t have to help that have been the most helpful. I’m blessed, at least, to have people that understand the situation on the ground and can work around my bitter fidgeting.

And, of course, I have to work on cleaning today at some point. I’m thinking I should have made coffee.

[Edit: For the record, I have lost 13 pounds to date through this whole ordeal.]