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End of a Lie. Start of a Life.
Wednesday, 31 December 2008 at 9:39 AM | Author: bishop

It’s Hump Day again! If you’re getting laid tonight, raise your hand!

Right.

Never mind. That’s way too much information even for my blog.

But tonight’s the night, right? We get to watch the old pass away and the new come into being? Funny how we memorialize this one day a year for such observation and yet this is something than happens every single moment—if we can but see them as such.

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I realized quite some time ago that they were worthless. They never get done and are really only good for making one think they are doing something productive. I started a habit of making a To Do List. But even then it turned out to be more of a Wish List than anything productive. I got many things done off that list the last two years, but it was still very unfulfilling. Granted, I now know why on a interpersonal level but even that can’t be used an excuse all the time.

This year there is no spoon list. Jinx and I aren’t just turning over a new leaf. We’re turning over a whole new forest. By the time this new year is over, life will be very, very different and I doubt that many of the superficial things that exist now will continue to exist for very long. But having no list doesn’t mean there are no goals.

I need to socialize my child. And this means on an adult level as well. He needs to learn how to properly behave around adults in a mix. He needs to learn how to converse with adults from his own young perspective. But this also means that some of the dependencies that are a natural result of my early parent-child bonding experiment need to be redirected in a healthy manner. And I’m going to tap some friends to help me with this. Part of realizing that my child has needs is recognizing that I have limitations, I’m not superman, and I can’t do it all alone. Both friends with kids and those without kids are potentially amazing role models and teachers for a child who needs to learn how to interact on a more mature level. I’m going to figure out how to ask for that help of my friends without the guilt of feeling like I’m imposing on them. As I found in the last part of 2008, friends seem to not be as put out with you as you imagine them to be if you’re just straight-forward and honest about your boundaries, goals, needs, and desires. It’s amazing not merely what a personal honesty but an open honesty can do for relationships.

I need to socialize myself. Raising a child is no excuse to sit at home doing nothing. Granted, Angelus seems to be changing that rapidly, but there is also the sense of having to “get over the guilt” of just grabbing a sitter and going out for a couple hours. It’s complicated to explain (and so I won’t here with any depth) but I’m uncomfortable with the idea of “dumping” my child somewhere with someone and walking away to “have a good time” or whatever. Even though I’m his father, I feel like that I’ve been playing babysitter for someone else who would rather fuck around in life than have a focus on family and child. I don’t want to be like that, but yet recognize that decompression time is necessary and healthy for us both. I’ve found a kid “lock-in” here in Lewisville that is four hours of games and playtime for kids every Saturday night. That’s plenty of time to grab dinner and/or a movie and some alone time, and it’s incredibly affordable (cheaper than a sitter for the same amount of time).

I need to get my home in order. This means on every level. Financially, I’m sure, things are probably not as bad as I think they are. I have to be more assertive in some areas that I’m not used to dealing with, but I have some good friends around who are able and willing to help out in those areas to ensure that I’m learning what I need to learn to improve my money management skills. Unlike some who have money to burn for lack of responsibility, every penny counts here. And it’s not like we’re hurting. It’s not that. It’s just that I’m not always the wisest spender in the world. I’d rather be having fun than paying bills. And I have to get a grip on how to have a good equilibrium in that area. But there are other aspects of my home that needs to be adjusted. And that will happen slowly over time as the needs and the resources to fulfill those needs become apparent.

I need to focus on adjusting my worldview to an even more appropriate and fulfilling perspective. I mentioned to a friend last night that I am, literally, starting out 2009 by serving someone. Not in any slave or submissive position that I’m moving into (which was the obvious first connections we both made in our heads and I guess is logical to think under the circumstances—but, sorry, just not that kind of a guy), but along the lines of a perspective to which Jez introduced me that rejects the “I need to fix or be fixed” and “I need to help or be helped” mentality and promotes the worldview that goes along with “I desire to serve and be served.” I’ve been in service throughout my entire working life. From being a waiter at TGIFriday’s to technical support in my current position, I have worked at serving others in some capacity. But I have never, that I can see, translated that into my own personal life with my relationships, friendships, and family. It’s about time that I learned how to do that effectively (and I am still learning) and then share that with my child. The sooner that he sees people are only broken in their perspectives and not broken as people he can promote healthy relationships and engagements with others that are not based on the illusion of piecemeal people but the whole of the Divine within each individual.

I need to focus on my Total Wellness Program. I’ve gotten off on a good start there. But I’d like to keep that dynamic and adjusting so that I can start thinking in those kinds of terms—equilibrium, health, service, tranquility, resolution—and continue on as such. I need to focus on releasing much of the bitterness that I have over the past. That’s over. That’s gone. That’s dead. I hope never to face that again, ever, and it’s just finally disappeared. But that’s difficult. A great deal of emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual investment went into that past. Love went into that past. And it’s hard to let it go. But, I guess, better late than never, right? One cannot live in the past but only press forward and live each moment in the future-now.

So today is the true Hump Day. It is the crossing from one year to the next and not merely the crossing of the beginning of the week to the ending of the week. And in this case it is the movement from the ending to the beginning all over again: the ouroboros effect, so to speak.

It’s an exciting time of marked and physical change. And the new year promises to bring all new challenges and adventures.

Happy New Year to everyone! May your new year bring you what you least expect and more.

Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Friends, Goals, Holidays, Life  | Tags: ,  | 2 Comments
Closer and Closer
Tuesday, 30 December 2008 at 8:43 PM | Author: bishop

Will it really happen?

This close to the day and I’m already having cold feet and second thoughts. Or maybe it’s just doubt.

Having now spent the majority of my adult life living a lie that was perpetrated on me, I have difficulty believing that anyone would actually find me worth spending time with in the first place. So I tend to second guess myself and my own intentions. In the end, of course, it’s all good. Things work out the way they do for a reason.

New Year’s Eve night seems to be setup for some trouble. I have no plans early, but I’m in the process of working some out before my post-midnight plans kick in. I know that I’m spending the late afternoon with a friend going through stuff before she throws it all away. I already know there are some things I’ll bring home that will work out nicely. Not sure if maybe we’ll make dinner plans too just for kicks. [Edit: No dinner plans. Will work something else out for the pre-midnight soirée-type thing.] Her philosophy is to stay in on New Year’s Eve and let all the amateurs run wild[1]. LOL! Of course, there will be plenty of pathetic drunks with their legs in the air, so it’s nice to know that there are some decent people in the world that just feel the need to bring in the New Year with some common sense rather than utter debauchery.

Refined debauchery, on the other hand …

I’m planning, still, on breakfast. Apple-spice pancakes with fresh whipped topping and apple sweetness, mango romanoff, fresh multi-fruit fondue-ish spread, the standards, of course, of bacon, eggs of some kind, and fresh ground coffee, and ultimately finishing up with something a bit more personal for dessert[2].

All in all? If you’re going to be knotty, do it with flair. Only the boring are bored (or liars). I can’t think of a more boring way to spend the entrance of the New Years than face down in a bottle or a crotch like some will. But it won’t surprise me that so many will be doing either … or both. I’ll avoid the religious connections that I could draw here that would mean so much to me and so little to others. But where there is a will, there is a passion.

I plan on following the passion this year.

And I can assure you, my friends, that it’s going to get knotty.

A lot.

innervox

  1. I figure I’m just going to get screwed again on this loan thing even though I was promised it would be taken care of from here on out and that money will just go to more crap and alcohol to drown out reality. [↩]
  2. The things I do for little to nothing in return. I guess I am a monster after all. [↩]
Category: 2-Knotty Tuesday, Friends, Holidays, Life  | Leave a Comment
The Day After Thoughts
Friday, 26 December 2008 at 7:52 PM | Author: bishop

Technically speaking, I guess, I should be massively depressed today.

I’m not.

I’m not exactly sure why either.

Run it down with me here.

  • First anniversary of my mother’s death. Check.
  • Two weeks (officially) since my mate’s death to me[1]. Check.

The day after Christmas isn’t really filled with great thoughts and memories.

But it’s been a day of joy nonetheless.

I slept in today[2] and got up to make “Master Tristan” his breakfast to be served in bed. Since I haven’t had a chance to go grocery shopping, I tried to fake him out with a little soy milk and chocolate syrup. He bought that for about half a glass. He’s really okay with turkey bacon, but I just can’t get him to accept the soy milk no matter what flavor I get him.

We went to Wal-mart to return the movie and grab the other one and then headed out to the ice rink to do a little skating.

All I can say is that we had a blast. A total blast.

I will have pictures and video up of the ice play either tonight or tomorrow (most likely tomorrow though).

Angelus canceled on us today. Given some slight sickness, I would have preferred that anyway. No sense in everyone being sick too. I just wanted some alone time, all things considered today. As I said, it hasn’t been bad. Quite the opposite actually. But there is still this underlying white noise that is lulling me into a kind of mini-depression that I’d like to avoid if at all possible. Once upon a time, there lived a mouse, who believed in honor and justice and love, and who always told the truth. He was a lonely mouse. No one wants to hear the truth anymore. Honor and justice are found only in good tales. Love is too—or at least is little more than finding good tail. But just when we think that even hope is no more, an angel appears[3].

Life is good. There isn’t much more I could ask for right now. All things in their time. All things for those who grow wings and find new ways to fly. We are enjoying our wings. And our angel.

innervox

  1. I realize this is seems awkward for some, but this is the only perspective that keeps me sane through everything that I know about the facts and the implications of that knowledge. I loved her and she was the only mate that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this round. Call it silly or crazy or whatever else you wish, but she is dead to me. I will not speak her name ever again and any indirect mention of her in this blog or elsewhere will be only in memoriam of the fondness and love that we shared and the precious gift she has entrusted to my care and tutelage. No matter what she has done to our family, to me, to our lives, she was a tremendous treasure to my life and I loved no one as dearly as her. The alternative is to call her out by her true name. This could have been really ugly and bitter. And even I’m not that cruel. But lest she think that I’m being overly soft here (in light of even today’s implicit and sinister threat-through-denial of court action), I recommend rereading my original statement on the matter. As is, she’s right, and I’d like to readjust my focus to what illusions of love and happiness she wove around my life and keep those as my memories of her. But she is now dead and gone to me. And I must face that loss. And I will grieve the loss of my mate as I grieve the loss of my own mother. I may have hated my mother, but I certainly had no desire to see her go before her time. And, in some small way, I miss her too. Just as I miss my mate now. They were certainly a lot alike after all. Goodbye, my love. Another lifetime perhaps. [↩]
  2. Sleeping in, for me, means that I woke up around 7am. [↩]
  3. Of all the things in my life that I could have wanted right now, I got the one thing I really needed: an angel. Some, of course, will never know how literally true this is, and others will understand the metaphor for what it is. [↩]
Category: Family, Friends, Life  | Tags: , ,  | Leave a Comment
Merry Christmas
Thursday, 25 December 2008 at 12:30 AM | Author: bishop

Or whatever else you wish to use as a peace/love/joy thing …

I hope that everyone is filled with peace/love/joy and the spirit of good things to come.

I am thrilled and overwhelmed as I finish up the last of the laying out of gifts and head to bed so that I can wake early enough to be ready for the sudden flurry of paper flying all over the place.

I am filled with joy at the prospects of 2009, humility at the generosity and compassion of those who have provided joy and happiness in 2008, and knowledge that the people I care about who have filled the ending of this year will still be around for the next one.

I hope everyone has an amazing day today with their loved ones no matter how you define them.


(PS: I will have photos and video up later in the day!)

Category: Family, Friends, Holidays, Life  | Tags: ,  | Leave a Comment
Pictures of a Life
Saturday, 20 December 2008 at 1:11 PM | Author: bishop

I’ve met someone.

Unlike some, I answered all questions up-front with total honesty.

So there are no illusions about where I stand[1], where my feelings are[2], what I want out of life[3], and that there are just some pictures on the walls of my life that I won’t remove (yet) because underneath the pain there are some amazing memories of love, passion, and devotion that inspire me to continue on being who I am inside and motivate my continuing changes on the outside.

I know.

I too am pretty good at keeping secrets—though anyone who actually reads what I write would have already picked up on all the obvious to see that I really haven’t been keeping any secret at all.

Highly intelligent. Well-spoken. Multilingual (three languages with a heavily iberio-influenced accent) and multicultural (European/Venezuelan Indian mix). Back in school to pursue a career as an anesthesiologist. Passionate about life. Loves to travel. A bit younger than me. Loves children (but wants none of their own—in the sense of birthing more human beings on the planet, not the “wants none around” type of “wants none”). Great smile, beautiful eyes, and an amazing heart.

There were only three qualities up-front that had to be met to even meet this person face-to-face.

  1. honesty,
  2. the ability to never make the everyday stuff fall into tedious routine,
  3. and to have a humanitarian spirit (the desire to help others, strangers or not, to make the world a better place, even if it means you could only affect your immediate surroundings).

As the child of missionaries, I can see why this would be important. I certainly met two of the three right up front. I am honest to a fault—even my own sometimes. And I have the potential to ensure that the everyday doesn’t fall into tedium. I’m working on this last one but that comes, also, with taking a new approach and a new attitude to life itself. I’m working on adjusting my worldview from that of weak or broken to that of wholeness and merely not up to full potential. The idea that I do not need to be fixed or helped but that in being served (and, conversely, in serving) there is a recognition of the wholeness internally and externally. And actually I probably do need a little fixing and helping in certain areas of life, but I think that’s probably normal. It’s the overall worldview of “need to be fixed” and “need to be helped” that I think neither applies to us nor is the healthy approach to the whole of life.

Now that we are finally rid of R/ED™ and she has openly moved on to focus on building her new family[4], we are settling down into a nice hum of life around here. Jinx wants an adult playmate and I want an adult friend[5]. I really thought she was my friend too. I really thought she was my best friend for 13 years. But even the worst of friends just don’t do certain things to people about whom they claim to care. I want to find a friend that is as true behind my back as they are to my face. I want someone who is everything I thought she was but never really was. I want someone who isn’t a fraud from day one like she was.

I want to take my time to get to know someone from the inside out rather than just jump into bed with them like she does, call it love, and then destroy whole lives and families because of a wet spot. I don’t think that’s the way to start any healthy relationship[6]. And, quite frankly, I’m way too protective of Jinx to let him around just anyone. Hell, so long as she’s toxic and in these kinds of dishonest relationships, I’m going to protect Jinx from the effects of those kinds of influences as well. We saw what happened with Lori and both she and I are to blame there[7]. I want to learn some lessons and not repeat those mistakes with Jinx. She’s out reveling in—and proud of—the exact same behavior and exact same deceptions that got us here in the first place. Who needs that kind of toxicity around? We don’t. And we won’t.

So when you find someone that actually has the qualities of a human being that are admirable, you tend to take notice. But you also get suspicious when you’ve been burned quite as much as I have[8]. What’s the catch? What’s the hidden problem? What’s the underlying pathology that email can’t expose? What’s wrong with them?

And then the rest of it hits. Am I good enough? Will they understand where I’ve been? Does it matter? Can I trust them? What if they turn out just like her? What if I’m attracted to the same kind of pathology over and over again?[9] What if they do like me for me; baggage, pictures on the inner walls, and all? Then what? How do I go from totally wrapped up in someone that I’m blind to the most obvious abuse of a relationship to nothing at all to even a hint of something else? How do I know where to go?

So what now?

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

But, to come full circle again …

I’ve met someone.

Unlike R/ED™, I answered all questions up-front with total honesty, without a shred of deception, and with utter vulnerability to rejection should the truth be told without varnish.

And they haven’t run away.

I just don’t know what to do with that.

Yet.

But I will learn.

innervox

  1. ”alone, with a child, betrayed, cut down, struggling physically and emotionally” [↩]
  2. ”all over the board, unsure of myself, wounded, addicted to a past I believed was real and turned out to be nothing but a 13-year waste of deceptions and lies” [↩]
  3. ”someone that just loves me for me and willing to let me heal in my own time however that needs to happen” [↩]
  4. She still building her relationships on a pack of lies and continuing, even still, to add to those layers of lies. I actually pity the people around her now because she hasn’t once ever told the truth about herself or anything else here. [↩]
  5. I actually think sometimes we just want an adult rather than a teenager in heat pretending to be an adult. Is that too much to ask for these days? [↩]
  6. Then again, that approach seems to work just fine for her. Maybe I should try it too. [↩]
  7. And that the jackass of a sperm donor sat back and let her walk all over him just so that she could run around like a tramp—even when that behavior was with me (lest anyone think that I have no blame here too for that, even if she was doing that long before me and, obviously, never stopped for the last 13 years)—and provide a most excellent role model that we’ve seen already repeated over and over again in Lori’s behavior and troubles in life. Like mother, like daughter isn’t just a euphemism: it transcends multiple generations here of observable behavior. [↩]
  8. Since I’m not like her and one of those “let’s jump in bed and take you for a test drive to see if you measure up” kind of people, I tend to start in with the inner dialogue. Sometimes I think her approach would be easier. [↩]
  9. I’ve said this before, each major relationship (except one) is the exact same pattern of personal abuse just escalated to a different level. [↩]
Category: Friends, Life  | One Comment
Movement or Mental Masturbation
Friday, 19 December 2008 at 9:51 AM | Author: bishop

Thank Any God It’s Friday!

I cannot explain how grateful I am that it’s Friday.

So I won’t.

Starting today and through the end of the year, it is non-stop activity. We won’t have time to stop for anything or anyone. And what I thought was a major pausing moment turned out, I guess, to be little more than a purposeful attempt at even more deception and distraction from the goals at hand.

[Interlude II moved to a private post. Just not a wise decision on my part. I am, after all, still learning how to fucking shut my mouth.]

2008 and Closing

Tonight we’re caravanning from our church to the other church for the Winter SolstiCelebration. Jinx is really excited about going—even if he did wake up on the jackass side of the bed this morning—and we are meeting Gabe down there as well. This should prove to be fun if not the perfect way to actually kick off the holidays for us.

Jinx will be very busy next week. And then the week after that is going to be more about anticipation of the new year and the new changes and the new directions than anything else. I’m probably going to spend a great deal of time re-cataloguing my life, both externally and internally, so that I know what I have to work with, what I need to get for myself and my family, and what I need to get rid of in order to maintain a healthy equilibrium in my home. I’m seriously considering taking every TCG card I have and dumping them into the garbage can. Those things caused more disharmony between R/ED™ and me than just about anything else. I don’t regret what I learned. I do regret not listening to her when she warned me that I was headed down an empty road. But, there are some I’d like to keep for inspiration purposes[1].

I’m not compromising on school for anyone for any reason. In fact, I have this weird fantasy of being able to stretch out on a bed (a large one, yes), doing homework while just being with someone who is there reading or watching television or something. I want to bring myself out of merely an academic mode and use that time for maybe not so much verbal communication as much as emotional communication. This may not make sense to anyone but me. But I have also decided that I will be taking time off from studies to get out and play with myself … um, wait, I didn’t really mean it quite, uh, like that … have some decompression time away from school stuff.

Whoa! TAGIF is about lessons learned and blessings of the week.

Well, okay. What’s above is a little of both actually.

I’ve actually learned a lot about the way people perceive me this week. I’ve had a lot of, uh, ego stroking. Yeah, Go ahead. Go there. I’ll wait for you to catch up. Go on. Snicker a bit. Done? Good.

Four different people, for I’m sure four different reasons, said basically the same thing about me. One from experience, two from interactions, and a last from merely email conversations. It gave me chills. But it made me realize just how much I have to offer someone. And, dammit, I’m proud of that.

So here’s my parting wisdom of the day, my lesson I’m learning this week that I want to pass on:

Take chances.
Take control.
Take charge.

Life is what you make of it. Even if life has been the shittiest thing so far, only you can make the changes necessary to make it better. Ignoring it makes it worse. Running from it doesn’t mean it goes away. But change is the only constant in the universe.

I may not think that love makes the world go ’round, but I’m learning that it may not be all that bad of a place from which to start.

innervox

  1. Of course, I say that and yet have not once ever sat down as I had originally planned and “used them” for that purpose! Talk about personal delusions I’m still working on eliminating! There’s one right there! [↩]
Category: 5-TAGIF, Family, Friends, Goals, Holidays, Life, Love  | Tags: , ,  | Leave a Comment
Satan Claws Strikes First
Wednesday, 17 December 2008 at 9:25 PM | Author: bishop

I went to the school tonight to hear their presentation and pick up the packages for Jinx. I had even made it very clear that I would show up early so that I could exchange gifts with R/ED™ so that it would be convenient for everyone. Of course, she didn’t make it at all. She’s so intent on having her way at any cost that ensuring our son has gifts under the tree is secondary to spite and trying to pull power games for control. So, I very calmly emailed her to keep her shit and leave us be. Again[1]. She wants everything to be difficult and ridiculously self-centered.

But this isn’t about R/ED™. This is about Jinx

I am totally blown away. There is one thing that won’t work for him due to a size issue (socks), but everything else is perfect for him. They even bought him a DS 2-in-1 game. I now have to wrap all this stuff, but he got a pair of jeans (yay!) and several t-shirts, and some Pokemon stuff, and a T-Rex shirt and little RC T-Rex. It’s a cheapy thing, but who cares. He loves that kind of stuff. And they got him a heavy-duty winter-grade hoodie. There’s more but I’m not looking at it any more. Had to put it away until I could find boxes to wrap them in.

And they got “us” a 12-piece kitchen cook set. I can now replace all this old, worn out and rusting stuff I have and finally get rid of some more memories of the past. Eventually, I hope, to replace everything so that we have nothing left to remind us of the past that is dead to us.

Happy Holidays!And this Giftmas is already off to a great start in that direction.

Everything else that comes his way will have to be labeled from Satan Claws with the one exception of the gift from me that I haven’t bought yet. Those that have already been earmarked from someone else have been labeled as such. But the rest of the stuff I buy this coming weekend will all be labeled as not from me. And should anyone else decide to drop off anything this week anonymously, it must be appropriately labeled or I will re-wrap it and label it myself. Oh. And for those who already know where I live, please leave things at the apartment complex office in a bag with my name on it and email me (or text me once my phone is back on) that it’s there and I will go pick it up. Please don’t leave it on my front porch. My new neighbors are, um … yeah. Don’t leave it there. Period.

All in all, I am totally blown away. Again. Jinx is going to have an awesome Giftmas already. I think I have this all figured out that I can still pay R/ED™ loan[2], my phone, the daycare, and that other bill and still have enough left over for gas, one more bill, about an extra $100 for gifts, and $100 for the NYE trouble. Not sure that’s going to work out yet, but I think it looks good on paper. I may have to forgo NYE but we’ll see.

Wow. It’s just an amazing holiday season already. Why couldn’t we do this before with two paychecks? Oh. Right. It was all my fault. As usual.

innervox

  1. There’s a story behind why we’re even talking today since she “ended it” (again) last Friday and I accepted that and moved on. She just makes everything about R/ED™ and her selfish lifestyle and how far she can push me and Jinx away with her antics. She just doesn’t grok some of the most basic issues here nor the simplest of solutions. [↩]
  2. It’d have been nice if the loan could have been paid by R/ED™, but given the mode of selfish crap she throws at me constantly, I’m not surprised that she abandoned that responsibility too. But it’s my name and my credit she abused here, so it has to be paid even if it means that we can’t pay the electricity or the daycare or something else important. What does she care? She just likes men who pay for R/ED™. Fuck everyone else. [↩]
Category: Family, Friends, Holidays  | Tags: ,  | Leave a Comment
Light Speed. Full Ahead.
Wednesday, 17 December 2008 at 10:30 AM | Author: bishop

WooHoo! It’s Hump Day again! I’m still not getting humped like some others around, but you only get what you give and since I’m not giving … well … ’nuff said. Except this: I have discovered that choosing friends and family over fucking is really, really rewarding. Not that the latter is unimportant. It’s just pale in comparison when you really get your head out of your ass and figure out priorities. Totally amazing.

What’s on the agenda for today?

Nadda. Yay for nadda!

Today is a bit weird. I’ve been nearly passing out at night for the last two around 10:00-10:30. So I’m actually getting quite a bit of sleep. It feels like this whole semester and time of personal trial has finally caught up with me. My face and back broke out. My brain isn’t functioning for higher purposes. My primal urges are harder to control. My emotional state is a bit fragile still.

But, quite frankly, I rock.

It is said that you’re supposed to let others praise you and learn about how great you are.

But, uh, hello?

I still rock.

Fine. For those who like to look at things realistically, I pebble.

But a pebble in a puddle is still a big splash!

And I’m okay with that.

This week has gone quietly so far. Until this morning. But I’ll overlook that for now. I am in a good head space right now. Money is crappy, but life is good. It could be better and it’s getting there. I’m learning. That means I’m growing. That means I’m evolving. That means I’m becoming a better person for myself, my child, and whoever else decides to share this life with us. And I still hold on to hope. It keeps me going sometimes.

The rest of the week year appears to be going nonstop. There is only one thing that could slow it down, but I don’t see that happening no matter how much I may wish it. Some people go out of their way to ensure that they create tension rather than harmony. So we don’t have to worry about that for a while even if I was quietly wishing to “worry about it” anyway.

Thomas Jefferson once said, “In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.” I’m certainly trying to swim with the changes while remaining firm on my principles. It’s interesting to me to see how much my principles haven’t changed but I have a massive new perspective on them. Rather than seeing them as fluid and evolving, I saw them as rigid and confining. As someone said this morning, I had become a shut-up tower, a castle that was impenetrable from the outside. I so wish I could say how much I am sorry to people affected by that. But it’s true. That’s precisely and completely true. It’s never who/what I wanted to be, but it’s what I became. I think I have most of the edifice removed now. I hope so at least. And I’m continuing to look for more to tear down and open myself back up to love, life, joy, and passion.

That’s it. That’s all I got folks!

Until later … later!

Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Friends, Life  | Tags: ,  | Leave a Comment
Star Wars Giftmas
Tuesday, 16 December 2008 at 9:12 PM | Author: bishop

It would appear this is going to be a Star Wars Giftmas after all. After spending some time with a friend’s son last weekend, Jinx is all about Star Wars now. I mean, he’s been watching The Clone Wars on Cartoon Network fairly faithfully. I just didn’t realize he had turned ubergeek on me and come over to the Dark Side with his father.

Wait.

I think I’m crossing wires here. Wasn’t that the Sith Lord and his Jedi son …

Oh. Right. Never mind. My wires are just fine. LMAO!

So I took him to Wal-mart tonight to wander up and down the toy aisles (which surprised him more than anything I think) and let him tell me what he wanted within reason. A couple of things were way out there and I already said no to them, but most are within budget. I just have to figure out what to get him since I’m not going to get them all. And, realistically speaking, if I stick with exactly what I should be doing—that is, paying the bills and using the gifts I’ve been given for Jinx and nothing more—then he still gets about 80% of his wish list. I mean, can’t beat that. If I throw in half over again, he gets all but two things from his “can’t live without it” wish list. I’m just not buying him a Didj and games when he’s getting to that age when I’ll be shelling out money for whatever follows the iPhone in the next couple years. And I honestly think he pointed at it because it was sitting there in front of our faces with a Sonic game. It was the Sonic, not the system, that sold him.

I have a meeting at the school tomorrow and I pick up more gifts there. It would seem the program he’s in at school selected him for some gifts too. I’m not sure what, but I think it’s clothes (which is just fine by me since I’m at a loss there). I actually hope that he got a winter coat in that lot.

But, really, his whole Giftmas is going to be about 70% Star Wars and the rest is Hot Wheels, Playmobil, and Bionicle. I’m considering the Moon Sand too, but I’m also considering checking myself into a mental ward if I do. I keep our home fairly spotless at the moment. Moon Sand? Yeah. Uh. No. Not likely. That ranks up there is “noisy toys” in my book. And at that price, that’s a couple more Star Wars action figures that he likes. I’m already buying General Grievous, Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan, and one other that I haven’t figured out yet. I keep trying to get him to tell me what his favorite characters are, but he’s a smart little kid and keeps wanting to know if I have a personal interest or if I’m only asking so that I can tell Satan Claws. Priceless.

If anyone wants “less than $25″ suggestions for Jinx, I have three leftover items that are in the $20-24 range that he’d love but aren’t so high on the wish list to be of immediate importance. I’m not asking, but I’m just sayin’ … I mean, uh, ya know?

Quite frankly, I think Jinx is going to have an awesome Giftmas.

Last night we were talking about things and he was like, “Dad, I’m going to buy you something.” I guess I was looking at him funny when he suggested that he’d buy me a Pokemon card. Ugh. I thought it was sweet but declined to accept such a generous offer. So he suggested a book. I asked him, “Well, if I get to pick the book, can I just go pick it up, wrap it from you, and then open it on Giftmas Day?” He liked that idea, so that’s what we’re going to do. I may pick something really small. I used the birthday money from my grandmother (that I was going to use to buy some more shirts) to pay R/ED™ loan a couple weeks ago. I had forgotten that I needed to pay that but had already spent everything on the regular bills. So I drained my savings (again) and added that in to make the loan payment on time. I really hope 2009 is better for this shit.

Anyway … Giftmas is going to rock this year because everything for him has been given in love for him rather than just another year of gifts. I realize that he doesn’t really understand this or really know that he should appreciate it. But that’s not what we’re here for. This is his time and he doesn’t really need to know—for now, at least—the lengths that people went to provide him with all this. This is a magical time, not a time for guilt payments or object lessons. And I refuse to have anything ruin this time for him while all I can do is continue to express my gratitude and thankfulness for so many people who have made this all possible.

Category: Family, Friends, Holidays  | Tags: ,  | Leave a Comment
It’s All About The Knots
Tuesday, 16 December 2008 at 10:55 AM | Author: bishop

First, let’s just get this out in the open: Texas Drivers Suck. The roads are all knotted up, of course, because there’s a little ice on the road. Big deal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I slid around a couple times too. Not a lot, mind you, but I felt it. But I know how to drive. Period.

Watched this chick turn from the wrong lane under an underpass and cut off a rig. Stupid, stupid woman. That truck could crush you. And it should have.

Stupid fucking drivers.

As a quick note here in the middle of this: I’m not really sure why some of the images are not showing up in posts when viewed from the RSS feeds. If that happens, you’ll just have to hit the site to see them until I can figure out the root cause. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause some. I’ll be working on this problem this week.

Water GoalsI have definitely been invited to be knotty for New Years. I’m considering both options on the table. Given that I’m not really a drinker—and seeing how alcohol utterly burned my family to the ground without blinking I’m not inclined to run that course too openly—I may have to narrow some options down. Admittedly, though, the whole liquid courage thing has its appeal. I’ve been focused and dedicated to a single person ideal for so long that it’s very difficult for me to even entertain the idea that I’m supposed to feel something toward these humans around me. I don’t like people, generally speaking. But I’ve adapted in order to provide my child with some semblance of a real life with other people. And, I have to admit that I’m finding that I don’t mind the little people so much after all (and having suddenly been introduced to a whole mess of intelligent individuals and loving new friends truly has helped a great deal too!). I still have a phobia here, but conquering fear is only one more thing I have to accomplish in life to find my lost wholeness again. I gave my life and love to R/ED™ in both trust and fear, and she burned them down for little more reason than to watch the pretty, flickering colors. Trusting people wasn’t the easiest thing in the world before: now it’s ten times harder. But I’m actively working to overcome that immediately and bounce rather than sit back in the darkness and brood.

That said: we invited Angelus to go with us to the Winter SolstiCelebration and that’s a go. It is quite possible that this could change most of the New Year’s plans on the face of it. I’m not planning … I’m just saying …

Wood GoalsIs it safe to admit to butterflies? I don’t like meeting new people[1]. It’s scary. Granted, it’s only scary for the first thirty seconds, but still … really … it’s the road to that first thirty seconds that is the mental nightmare. =)

Wood GoalsMy back and neck are all knotted up, that’s for sure. I think it is, in part, the weather. But the last two days has been very unkind to my spine. I think some of it is stress (and the release of stress in some ways) that is just twisting things up. I really need to get good, deep massage. Anyone know of a really cheep free massage person that can really work out the knots and toxins and crap all over? On top of that I know that I’ve gained some pounds back and that’s frustrating. I’ve been doing okay, but I really think that the whole month of Halloween candy (and I was really good about that!) and the sudden influx of Giftmas candy (and especially since people seem to think that Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are a good thing to give to a RPBCaholic!) is just killing every ounce of will-power in me. Between my knees and the cold, my planned training program has been delayed until I can figure out a better solution. I do have an opportunity here to finish out my last year at Bally’s totally free. I may take them up on that. Jinx wants back into their daycare anyway. Not sure why, though, since I’d be going after work not after I pick him up. *shrug*

Wood GoalsI’m already thinking forward to the next major holiday. I’d say that it was Candlemas, but so many people don’t actually recognize it[2]. The next major one people see is Valentine’s Day. I’m pretty damn sure that I won’t have an adult Valentine this year, so I’m going to work on finding something kid-friendly instead. Personally speaking, of course, anyone who only expresses that level of passion at Valentine’s is an idiot. LOL!

Not really a lot to be knotted up about today. Not really. I’d rather be at home, in front of a fire, reading a book or being knotty, taking things easy and warm.

But I’m knot. Heh.

I know. I crack myself up!

Anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully 2009 will be a bit more knotty so that Tuesdays can actually have something to talk about. LOL! Until then, oh well .. :lol:

innervox

  1. And for those narcissistic to want to know, yes, I had butterflies when I met Jez and when Jinx and I met [censored due to her whacked out significant other]. I see no reason why I would be any different with Angelus. New people scare me. Period. [↩]
  2. We might do something for the Feast of Lights that is neat. I want to start moving into teaching Jinx the traditions behind many of these seasonal times. I just don’t know that he has the attention span for most of them nor that I have the patience still to pull it all off by myself. [↩]
Category: 2-Knotty Tuesday, Friends, Health, Holidays  | Tags: , ,  | Leave a Comment
Is It Monday Already?
Monday, 15 December 2008 at 10:43 AM | Author: bishop

Can I fall over yet?

I didn’t really sleep last night. I was up most of it with really bad heartburn that happens every once in a while. It’s that sheer burning of the airways type heartburn. That’s nearly an hour to fix once it starts, but I never really sleep after that.

So I’m truly about to fall on my face here.

So much going on. So much fucked up. So much that just didn’t need to be this way. So much that is going to hurt even more.

Last Word

But that’s the way of life, right? We make our own beds, think it’s okay to lay in them, but then try to run from cleaning the sheets when we’ve made a mess. All I can say now is that I have been finally justified in every way, I have tried to make amends in every way, I have been rejected in every way, and, therefore, I have been released from everything by the sheer force of inescapable conclusions that no longer can be denied. Jinx and I are now free to walk our own way and go our own path in life without interference in any way. He and I made a new commitment last night to remain solid in our way, honorable in our deals, and steadfast in our rebuilding of a new family completely away from—rather than on top of—the ashes of the old. We will continue forward—just more rapidly now—since we cannot go back and we can no longer sit still, waiting, for anyone else to catch up. Our lives must not become unmoving. That’s not to say I don’t miss R/ED™ already. I do. Very much, in fact. But every door was opened, every means of using me as the whipping post was offered, and every excuse provided to entertain, and I would have willingly taken the blame even if it wasn’t my own. R/ED™ choice was blatantly and openly him over us. So mote it be and may she go that path in peace.

Holiday Spirit

Bah Humbug! No. Really. People are lunatics this time of year!

Next year, however, I’m working on an idea to create a rolling party that lasts from Halloween to New Year’s Eve. I think it would be fun. Worst case scenario, of course, will be Jinx and I working it out ourselves as a small gathering of friends for those nights but I’d like to plan and prepare something more formal. One of the reasons we moved into the house and made all kinds of plans originally was because we wanted to be more social. Of course, the result of ‘more social’ was not exactly the kind of social I had in mind when we had made those plans. Tragic, really, because we had the space and resources for so much more and it just wasn’t as important as “getting laid.” So next year is all about focusing on people and friendships and joy and fun. No more secrets. No more crap. No more lies. No more shitty people around.

Jinx deserves that much. And, so, yes: we will be celebrating every (major) holiday we can get our hands on this coming year. And we’re going to do it in style that The Boys should have been doing all along and to which we should be accustomed already but aren’t. We won’t be the “company party” dirty little secret anymore; denied, and insulted by the pathetic whims of the irresponsible. We will be the party.

Dart? Get ready. If we’re not throwing a party, we’re going to be looking for one every major holiday in 2009. Details can be discussed in private, of course, on those things, but life needs to be must be very different this year.

And, speaking of such things, the ornament gathering has been quite incredible. Thank you. We are still building our tree, so to speak, but our home is lighting up for the Solstice in ways we’ve never seen before. It’s awesome! I’m still not flipped out over the toys and boxes in the living room, but we’ll manage. We’re not having guests this year unless it’s of a very low key, laid back nature and we can roll with the whole blankets, fire, laughter thing without having to worry about furniture. (Still crossing my fingers for that couch I’m holding out for right now. That alone would open our home up to all kinds of possibilities. And, besides, I’d like to be able to work, write, and “deal” from a bit wider expanse than just my office. I’d like that to be a formal library instead and just work “wherever” in the apartment.) But we’ll manage.

Other Stuff

Have I mentioned yet how excited I am about next semester? Even the Speech class seems to be exciting me more this time around. But I’m quite anxious (in a good way this time) to get into my Cultural Anthropology class. I think because I already know the professor and have a very good rapport with him from having taken his Sociology class then I really do believe that I’ll do very well in this class and redeem my views of Anthropology as a subject.

I’d love to be a single person again. There is a complete lack of responsibility for any other human being, cash flow is all about whim spending, and generally one sleeps just fine at night without a single thought of anything beyond the primal urges: eat, shit, fuck, sleep. It must be nice.

That was sarcasm for those with tiny brains and missed it.

That said, my phone is out now. And, quite frankly, if it wasn’t for the need for it that I have with work, I’d not pay for it. As is, it’ll be Friday before it’s back on. Since I have so much extra expenses due to someone’s lack of responsibility in their own affairs, I’ve strapped on R/ED™ loan (in my name, of course, and now I see that was intentional for this purpose) with money that should have gone toward the care of a child instead of R/ED™ sex toy fund and I’ve already paid two past due bills for R/ED™ with another sitting in the queue pending the money to pay it for R/ED™ (because it has my name on it too—thanks to R/ED™ ). What’d I get? Nadda. A single daycare payment that threw everything out of whack and now forces me into an even worse financial situation with the daycare. So everything that I was going to buy for Jinx out of my paycheck goes to bills all due this week and only through the generosity of friends will he even have a Giftmas. But it breaks my heart that I can’t do it myself for him because I have to do everything else.

And to think: Satan Claws got R/ED™ a gift this year anyway. Sheesh.

And I really have to get out of this bitter mode. Seriously. I have the most excellent child and a great life now without all the bullshit and flagrant displays of insult and injury (like some have been saying for years now that I shouldn’t be putting up with at all). I should be happy about all this. I am. Really. See? Big smile here. =(

2009, baby. 2009. It’s going to be our year. I’m telling you: Jinx and I are going to rock in 2009. Watch out world! Here we come! (Or, at least, get that riot gear on quickly because we really are coming through! LOL!)

Plans, Plans, Plans

This coming weekend is going to start all the busy stuff. We have the Winter SolstiCelebration coming on Friday. Next week is the round-robin house time with Jinx’s friends, ice skating, dinner with friends, Giftmas itself, and just so much phenomenal time and activity that we won’t have time to just stop and worry about anything else. That will be nice, to be sure.

The week after that I work at home for three days, still tidying up plans for the New Years, and seeing if other things are going to work out sometime this week that will settle at least a couple “date” plans (not sure how to phrase that right, but I’ll go with “date” since … since … well, since I have no other word to use right now even if not really accurate. It’s not a “date”; just a friend. Sheesh. But a friend that would go places like a date so that neither are out of place as single? See? Yeah. Just doesn’t come out right.).

I really am about to fall on my face. I’m sure that’s affecting my attitude. Maybe I just need to eat.

Category: 1-Manic Monday, Family, Friends, Holidays, Life, School  | Tags: , , , , ,  | 2 Comments
Humbled and Honored in the Holidays
Saturday, 13 December 2008 at 8:46 PM | Author: bishop

I just don’t know where I’d be without real family and true friends.

I have spent so much time in the shadow of false feelings, character assassination, and public denial in the life of someone that I cared for more than words could express or share (the depth of absolute feeling that I’ve had for someone so utterly false, fake, and openly deceitful makes me doubt my own sanity sometimes), that it truly amazes me when people are genuine. It’s shocking, actually. Here I thought I knew what honest feelings were between people and I find that the one person I trusted and honored and believed above all others was nothing more than a total lie from the beginning.

Water GoalsSo while I watch R/ED™ try to buy little hearts—just like The Psycho™ did—and play stupid human games of Truth or Dare to finally just walk away in disgust of a man who would have done anything at all just to make her happy if she’d just be honest—just like The Bitch™ did—and generally vomit on everything I once thought was the closest thing to Absolute Truth I’d ever see in my earthly life—as no-one else had ever done—I find that we are suddenly surrounded by real family and real friends that are genuinely interested in us as people, as real human beings, without the neediness of expectations. I’m not good (yet) with other people’s expectations and I can barely handle my own.

Metal GoalsBut the contrast in attitudes is just phenomenal to me. I’ve never, ever seen such a display of selflessness and caring and pride in me as some of these people have shown. I am even more humbled as I am honored by their friendships. Even my dad seems to recognize—even though I haven’t actually told him yet—that I am emotionally and physically alone now and not handling it very well. It’s not the loss by death of a mate after 40+years marriage like he went through last year (and is reliving this year), but in my book it might as well be. I had planned to spend the rest of my life with this person. I was committed to that end only to find my life and my family to be a dirty lie and of little more worth than a cum stain. I think my dad sees that loss of faith, pride, and dignity in me somehow and he’s been very supportive of my efforts to carry on this family alone.

But yet the reality is that we’re not totally alone.

I had lunch with Jez today. It’s my monthly decompression chamber of sorts. I feel totally safe to say anything I want without fear of rejection or ridicule or publicity. Yes, I know I have other friends that I could do this with but I’ve found someone with whom I’m comfortable doing this. It’s no slight toward anyone else, but this clicked right the first time. And I don’t always hear in return what I want to hear. But when I leave from having lunch, I feel like I’m not as hostile or pent-up about certain things. Maybe such a thing could have saved my relationship had such a friendship existed before. Again, no slight on anyone else: I just didn’t know that I needed something like this. But I know that I won’t let it go in the future so that my attitude and my actions and my selfishness ruin any potential relationship past this point.

So I had lunch with Jez today—didn’t I already say this?—and she brought tears to my eyes. If we’d been anywhere else other than the middle of Olive Garden, I’d probably have just let loose. It’s funny that one of the therapy ideas was for me to let go of some emotions in a catharsis-type of process. And yet overwhelming kindness, of all things, is more of a release for me than anything else. I’m sure it’s a different kind of release, but that’s not the point. All my self-control goes out the window in the face of sheer, unexpectant, loving kindness. Thanks to her (and Ken, I’m sure), Jinx will have some kind of decent Giftmas. She brought craft items for him to make decorations for our home along with some of the most amazing, handcrafted, incredible-history-behind-them (in a window of Macy’s New York), totally fabulous ornaments. We decided that we’re going to start tonight and do the Twelve Days of Yuletide with them by putting one ornament a night on the tree from this lot.

And it would appear that she might help me arrange other holiday plans as well.

Another friend turned around after I’d left lunch and, unasked, provided more that will go toward Jinx’s Giftmas. Friendship alone wasn’t enough to give me right now, but being able to think about my family right now was overwhelming when her own family is on the brink of the holidays. The ornaments she gave to Jinx and me were so cool. I have infused mine with so much personal meaning already that I doubt it means anymore what it really was supposed to mean. LOL! And Jinx wanted to play with his rather than put it on the tree. I did, of course, say no. And the stockings we received at the same time are already hung on the mantle which will be filled using the gift from Jez.

Dad provided two of the gifts I requested. Sorta. Given that they are already wrapped, I’m not going to press the issue of the one (since I’m not clear exactly on what he got), but I know the other was one that he picked out himself rather than from the list. That alone means a lot to me given the Giftmas crap my mother used to send. While I did ask for a flat-screen television so that we could try and not be so crowded in our “things,” dad did actually find a book I’ve been wanting for over a year, that is very difficult to find, quite pricey in most circles for a decent copy, and then purchased it for me. Given the requests I made, I’d have already known what it was, so I’m not at all disappointed by knowing now. It’s being airmailed in, so it may or may not get here for that big day. But that’s okay. Even the lack of the television is okay. That my dad went out of his way to make a decision for Jinx like this and then purchase a very hard-to-get text for me is something I had given up hope on ever happening again. And, yes, I would rather have the book over the television. LOL! (Though I really do need one for the wall in the bedroom over this bulky thing that’s going to end up in the downstairs neighbor’s room someday and I truly hate admitting that!)

There’s more. Trust me. There is more. But these are just from today.

It’s not the gifts, though. It’s not the support. It’s not the actions (except that the actions make truth of the words). It is the caring, compassion, joy, and love that these friends bring to the life that Jinx and I live right now. We have both become, in one sense, children of the village and I am learning not only how to accept that and take advantage of what’s offered to me freely by those who care but also how not to resent myself for it. As Jez asked today, next year pass it on. And we will be passing all this on in some way, shape, or form.

Wood GoalsI once thought the holidays were really overrated. And I still think that way. A lot of it has to do with everything going on in combination with the holidays. We spend so much time trying to find gifts for people. We spend so much time trying to be consumers. Yes, I’ve spent a great deal of time working to provide my son with a Giftmas this year because otherwise he just wasn’t going to get it any other way. But rather than focus on gifts, I’ve focused on activities. We have spent time for Thanksgiving among people. We have spent the beginning of the Solstice season among people. We will be spending next weekend among many, many people. We are going ice skating on Giftmas Eve (and maybe with a new friend as well). We are having Giftmas Dinner with friends. We have brought in “things,” ornaments, and stuff from people and every one of them comes with a story to be told to Jinx about who they are, why they are part of our larger family circle, and how they have provided us with something by which we can remember them when they are not with us. We are bringing in the new year in a way that will ensure that our memories from here on out are filled with abiding joy, deep love, progress, much activity, and prosperity. Of course, prosperity depends on my new “accountant” getting her ass in gear. *cough* But I understand that she has a family too during this holiday season so I’ll try not to be a Scrooge. LOL!

Water GoalsAll in all …? Yeah. Part of my brain and all of my soul is miserable. But the reality is that life itself is just fine. Life will find a way—or at least according to Jurassic Park it will. And when that dinosaur we’ve created comes crashing through life and love, then I hope people will remember that good people may suffer, bad people may look like they are on top of their game, but it is loving people who crash the party and start the dancing.

Jinx and I are loving people. And it’s time to stop waiting for someone else to tango and just get our own groove on.

And so we have.

Sometimes good-bye is a second chance.

Category: 6-Sacked Out Saturday, Family, Friends, Holidays, Life, Love  | Tags: , , ,  | 10 Comments
Rabid Randomness
Friday, 12 December 2008 at 12:00 PM | Author: bishop

Thank Any God It’s Friday!

Other than the weather is starting to affect my back again, life seems unstably peachy. Go figure, right?

Despite that, I’ve feeling particularly devilish today. There is an air of “needing trouble”—in a good way—that is just totally electrifying my brain cells (and, well, other things too). Opportunity knocks for the right person (who will, of course, ignore it to create even more unhealthy tension) but at least something remains in potentia.

Giftmas Day has been settled and we are going to be doing morning stuffs and then head out for a day on the town to end up with dinner at friend’s. Given that nothing else came up of importance, we’ll be out creating new memories—which, of course, means more pictures! Yay!

So, it’s Friday! Hip! Hip! Hooray! I have a weekend with absolutely nothing to do and no one to see (except Jez for lunch) and nothing going on (except to pick up some boxes here and there) and the massive hint, again, will go unnoticed and unrealized. But, their loss as we’ll see in a moment.

Today we see all about lessons and blessings and challenges, oh my! Let’s begin now, shall we?

It’s All About Me

Metal GoalsThrough a series of events this past week (and really for the last two/three weeks), I have learned that I am actually quite a nice guy once I take a shower and get out from under all the bullshit. It would seem that I am …

  • Interesting.
  • Interesting to other people even.
  • Considerate to a fault.
  • Loyal beyond a fault.
  • Easy to talk to.
  • Kind when approached as a friend.
  • Not without friends.
  • Motivated toward success.
  • Loving to those who love me in return.
  • Intelligent enough to be self-sufficient.
  • Decent looking and still desirable (apparently).
  • Good Great father, dedicated mate, and faithful companion (even at the worst of times)
  • Successful at adaptation to life and change.
  • … and I can clean house like a motherfucker!

I have also learned recognized that I have a darker side than I could have admitted before. I am also …

  • Childishly petty when bitter.
  • Destructive when hurt.
  • Cruel when slapped down.
  • Irritatingly annoying when ignored.
  • Don’t turn the other cheek very well.
  • Careless with other people’s feelings.
  • Incapable of keeping my mouth shut (and therefore digging my own holes just fine).
  • Easily misdirected and unfocused on priorities.
  • (Or, conversely) Easily fixated on unreasonable goals and expectations.
  • Still not interested in talking to you while holding my dick peeing into the urinal even if you are the CIO.
  • … and I hate to clean bathrooms.

Blessings and Triumphs

Fire GoalsI am, literally, within a breath of reaching my first goal in school. I have come this far and I am blessed that I have people around me who have encouraged me, helped me, babysat my kid for me, and worked with me to ensure that I continue to be successful in this endeavor.

Water GoalsI have shared my life with a beautiful mate that I adore still no matter how much I may hate the situation, despise certain attitudes, and feel emotionally bounced all over the walls on a near daily basis by her. My life is infinitely richer for having lived and loved through these years. The potential is there for even more and even better. And I accept that she may never wake up. I am blessed for what I’ve had and I’m blessed for what could be in a mutually-created future. And though my Sleeping Beauty is apparently beyond the redemption of a waking kiss, I hope she will remember us fondly and maybe even miss us when we’re gone from her life because of her own choices and desires. I will remember that I was blessed by her life for a short while.

I have an amazing child that is the rock of my life. He is absolutely the manifestation of everything that is good about my life. And that he has his mother’s eyes is just gravy …

Wood GoalsI am blessed with two new friends/acquaintances—one of which might actually take me camping! We’ll just have to see if it progresses to a “real” friendship first before determining that. But it sounds like a nice idea at least. Given that my query on a mere four-hour drive for a mini-vacation was mocked and rejected by the important one in my life, I guess I will be working on opening other doors with other people so that I will get the fun and experiences that I discovered I was missing out on before. I want these things. I can’t wait! (Not too late for the other one to jump in, but whatever …)

Challenges

Wood GoalsAs of today, I have $40 to my name until payday and after that my bills hit all at the same time to the point that I will have nothing left over from the paycheck except enough to survive until the next paycheck after that. So everything that I wanted to get Jinx for Giftmas is out the door. My only hope now is that Satan Claws kicks in and actually comes through as I asked. Even if it’s just something small but on the list, that would make all the difference for him. All things considered, we’re going to have a great day anyway, but it’s just that when the selfish pride gets in the way of progress and honesty and love, well, it’s not merely the adults that suffer.

But, really, money is the only real challenge in life right now. Everything else is self-induced, externally inflicted in a stupid, selfish, spiteful game of Truth or Dare, or outside my control. Big deal. This too shall pass.

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