Can I fall over yet?

I didn’t really sleep last night. I was up most of it with really bad heartburn that happens every once in a while. It’s that sheer burning of the airways type heartburn. That’s nearly an hour to fix once it starts, but I never really sleep after that.

So I’m truly about to fall on my face here.

So much going on. So much fucked up. So much that just didn’t need to be this way. So much that is going to hurt even more.

Last Word

But that’s the way of life, right? We make our own beds, think it’s okay to lay in them, but then try to run from cleaning the sheets when we’ve made a mess. All I can say now is that I have been finally justified in every way, I have tried to make amends in every way, I have been rejected in every way, and, therefore, I have been released from everything by the sheer force of inescapable conclusions that no longer can be denied. Jinx and I are now free to walk our own way and go our own path in life without interference in any way. He and I made a new commitment last night to remain solid in our way, honorable in our deals, and steadfast in our rebuilding of a new family completely away from—rather than on top of—the ashes of the old. We will continue forward—just more rapidly now—since we cannot go back and we can no longer sit still, waiting, for anyone else to catch up. Our lives must not become unmoving. That’s not to say I don’t miss R/ED™ already. I do. Very much, in fact. But every door was opened, every means of using me as the whipping post was offered, and every excuse provided to entertain, and I would have willingly taken the blame even if it wasn’t my own. R/ED™ choice was blatantly and openly him over us. So mote it be and may she go that path in peace.

Holiday Spirit

Bah Humbug! No. Really. People are lunatics this time of year!

Next year, however, I’m working on an idea to create a rolling party that lasts from Halloween to New Year’s Eve. I think it would be fun. Worst case scenario, of course, will be Jinx and I working it out ourselves as a small gathering of friends for those nights but I’d like to plan and prepare something more formal. One of the reasons we moved into the house and made all kinds of plans originally was because we wanted to be more social. Of course, the result of ‘more social’ was not exactly the kind of social I had in mind when we had made those plans. Tragic, really, because we had the space and resources for so much more and it just wasn’t as important as “getting laid.” So next year is all about focusing on people and friendships and joy and fun. No more secrets. No more crap. No more lies. No more shitty people around.

Jinx deserves that much. And, so, yes: we will be celebrating every (major) holiday we can get our hands on this coming year. And we’re going to do it in style that The Boys should have been doing all along and to which we should be accustomed already but aren’t. We won’t be the “company party” dirty little secret anymore; denied, and insulted by the pathetic whims of the irresponsible. We will be the party.

Dart? Get ready. If we’re not throwing a party, we’re going to be looking for one every major holiday in 2009. Details can be discussed in private, of course, on those things, but life needs to be must be very different this year.

And, speaking of such things, the ornament gathering has been quite incredible. Thank you. We are still building our tree, so to speak, but our home is lighting up for the Solstice in ways we’ve never seen before. It’s awesome! I’m still not flipped out over the toys and boxes in the living room, but we’ll manage. We’re not having guests this year unless it’s of a very low key, laid back nature and we can roll with the whole blankets, fire, laughter thing without having to worry about furniture. (Still crossing my fingers for that couch I’m holding out for right now. That alone would open our home up to all kinds of possibilities. And, besides, I’d like to be able to work, write, and “deal” from a bit wider expanse than just my office. I’d like that to be a formal library instead and just work “wherever” in the apartment.) But we’ll manage.

Other Stuff

Have I mentioned yet how excited I am about next semester? Even the Speech class seems to be exciting me more this time around. But I’m quite anxious (in a good way this time) to get into my Cultural Anthropology class. I think because I already know the professor and have a very good rapport with him from having taken his Sociology class then I really do believe that I’ll do very well in this class and redeem my views of Anthropology as a subject.

I’d love to be a single person again. There is a complete lack of responsibility for any other human being, cash flow is all about whim spending, and generally one sleeps just fine at night without a single thought of anything beyond the primal urges: eat, shit, fuck, sleep. It must be nice.

That was sarcasm for those with tiny brains and missed it.

That said, my phone is out now. And, quite frankly, if it wasn’t for the need for it that I have with work, I’d not pay for it. As is, it’ll be Friday before it’s back on. Since I have so much extra expenses due to someone’s lack of responsibility in their own affairs, I’ve strapped on R/ED™ loan (in my name, of course, and now I see that was intentional for this purpose) with money that should have gone toward the care of a child instead of R/ED™ sex toy fund and I’ve already paid two past due bills for R/ED™ with another sitting in the queue pending the money to pay it for R/ED™ (because it has my name on it too—thanks to R/ED™ ). What’d I get? Nadda. A single daycare payment that threw everything out of whack and now forces me into an even worse financial situation with the daycare. So everything that I was going to buy for Jinx out of my paycheck goes to bills all due this week and only through the generosity of friends will he even have a Giftmas. But it breaks my heart that I can’t do it myself for him because I have to do everything else.

And to think: Satan Claws got R/ED™ a gift this year anyway. Sheesh.

And I really have to get out of this bitter mode. Seriously. I have the most excellent child and a great life now without all the bullshit and flagrant displays of insult and injury (like some have been saying for years now that I shouldn’t be putting up with at all). I should be happy about all this. I am. Really. See? Big smile here.

2009, baby. 2009. It’s going to be our year. I’m telling you: Jinx and I are going to rock in 2009. Watch out world! Here we come! (Or, at least, get that riot gear on quickly because we really are coming through! LOL!)

Plans, Plans, Plans

This coming weekend is going to start all the busy stuff. We have the Winter SolstiCelebration coming on Friday. Next week is the round-robin house time with Jinx’s friends, ice skating, dinner with friends, Giftmas itself, and just so much phenomenal time and activity that we won’t have time to just stop and worry about anything else. That will be nice, to be sure.

The week after that I work at home for three days, still tidying up plans for the New Years, and seeing if other things are going to work out sometime this week that will settle at least a couple “date” plans (not sure how to phrase that right, but I’ll go with “date” since … since … well, since I have no other word to use right now even if not really accurate. It’s not a “date”; just a friend. Sheesh. But a friend that would go places like a date so that neither are out of place as single? See? Yeah. Just doesn’t come out right.).

I really am about to fall on my face. I’m sure that’s affecting my attitude. Maybe I just need to eat.