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I have discovered just exactly how utterly worthless of a human being I am.

And somehow I’m supposed to just “accept it” as being unlovable.

Happy Meals. Aren’t we all.

I realize that many of these appear to be aimed at the non-ADD partner—and they are—but it is in understanding the required activity of the non-ADD partner that someone like me—the ADD partner—can find the way out of the darkness[1]. But when one or both partners in a marriage (or other living situation) has ADD, it is important to understand the couple dynamics and the treatment process. Here are important issues to consider:

• Have empathy for the ADD person and try to see the world through his or her eyes of frustration and failure.
• Go to at least some appointments with the doctor together.
• Both partners need clear education on ADD, its genetic roots, how it impacts couples, and its treatment.
• After the initial diagnosis [or reevaluation], take a step back from the chronic turmoil that may have been present in the relationship. Look at your relationship from a new perspective and, if need be, try to start over.
• Set up regular times for talking and checking in.
• Keep lists to avoid resentments for chores and tasks not done.
• Assume the best about the other person.
• Set clear goals for each area of your life together and review them on a regular basis. Evaluate whether your behavior is getting you what you want. When you know what you want, you are much more able to make it happen.
• Set clear individual goals and share them with each other. Then look for ways to help the other person reach his or her own personal goals.
• Avoid stereotyped roles of “caretaker” and “sick one.”
• Talk out issues concerning sex, in a kind and caring manner.
• Frequently check in with each other during social gatherings to determine the comfort level of each partner.
• Get away alone together on a regular basis. This is especially important when there are ADD kids in the family.
• Work together in parenting children. Children with ADD put a tremendous strain on relationships. This is magnified even further when one of the parents has ADD. See yourselves as partners, not adversaries.
• Praise each other ten times more than you criticize.
• Get rid of the smelly bucket of fish (hurts from the past) that you carry around. Many couples hold on to old hurts and use them to torture each other months to years later. These “smelly fish” are destructive and stink up a relationship. Clean them out of your life.

I could sit here and bold or asterisk the lines that kick me directly in the nuts. However, we’d be here all night trying to explain why one or another is pertinent to my own life and relationships. But, every single one of these, in fact, could have saved my relationship both if I had known them explicitly in such a manner and if she had taken the time to actually understand the difficulties of ADHD beyond the way it affects a child—and even then she wasn’t always so clear. It was so much easier to just replace the relationship and leave the problem for someone else. So typical for non-ADD partners. Run away rather than repair and rebuild.

The national average for divorce of ADD individuals is 20% higher than non-ADD individuals. It is almost always (statistics range from 72% to 99% depending on which studies you use) the non-ADD partner that leaves out of frustration and 86% of those never attempted any kind of therapy. And, quite frankly, merely what is listed above doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or a shrink) to work through together if both partners can come to a reasonable understanding that (A) change must happen, (B) both must put into this together in a committed way, and (C) they are accountable to each other for the mental and emotional health of their relationship.

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1. I feel that so many of these little “tips” could have held the basis for both resolving the issues and rebuilding for a future in this past relationship. Alas, at least now I will be prepared for the next one, if there is one. Many of these I think I knew from an intuitive position, but to see them written out like this has been a major slap in the face for me. If I could have seen this in such a clear manner before, much of this I could have self-corrected. Sometimes, really, it just takes the patience of a real partner to get through the troubled times and figure out new ways of handling the problems. But we are Happy Meals to be tossed away when the toy doesn’t meet our expectations, and so many of us who have difficulties beyond mere pathetic conversation in a bar to get laid are left in the darkness of our own minds. [↩]

I’m working through many of these and will begin to implement the rest through the end of the year and the start of 2009. It’s not that these are really something unique. They really apply to any child, I guess. But they are definitely rules and approaches to life in our home that I haven’t enforced or applied with any regularity. And that’s my fault.

But the even more interesting thing about these rules is (A) how closely they relate to the values and virtues as presented to Jinx (and me) through the seven Principles of Unitarian-Universalism and (B) how much these should apply to any relationship between adults as well (though there are, admittedly, a couple of obvious changes that would have to be made).

Family Rules

TELL THE TRUTH

TREAT EACH OTHER WITH RESPECT
(which means no yelling, no hitting, no kicking, no name calling, and no putting down.)

NO ARGUING WITH PARENTS
(As parents, we want and value your input and ideas, but arguing means you have made your point more than twice.)

RESPECT EACH OTHER’S PROPERTY
(which means we ask permission to use something that does not belong to us.)

DO WHAT MOM AND DAD SAY THE FIRST TIME
(without complaining or throwing a fit.)

ASK PERMISSION BEFORE YOU GO SOMEWHERE

PUT THINGS AWAY THAT YOU TAKE OUT

LOOK FOR WAYS TO BE KIND AND HELPFUL TO EACH OTHER

These rules set the tone and “values” for the family. They clearly state that there is a line of authority at home, and that it is expected that children will follow the rules and respect their parents, their siblings, and the family’s property. These are good social expectations and teachings. When you tell someone what you expect, you’re much more likely to get it.

In establishing expectations at home, it’s often important to use visual clues, such as pictures or short printed directions, since people with ADD may have trouble processing verbal input, especially in a noisy environment. Writing expectations down also has the advantage of being able to refer to it later when the ADD person denies that you ever told him or her about it.

All of these falls within the five steps to shaping positive behavior.

1. Define the desired and undesirable behaviors specifically.
2. Establish a baseline period.
3. Communicate the rules and expectations clearly.
4. Reward desired behavior.
5. Give clear, unemotional consequences for the negative behavior.

My next entry on this series will be about adult relationships, specifically, but I think these steps work for adults as well.

See if any of these sound familiar to anyone. Especially those close to home need to listen up carefully to the next series of posts. Being able to admit to any one or more of these is no admission of mastering them. But admission is the first step to correction. The ADD games are:

• Let’s have a problem
• I bet I can get you to yell at me or hit me
• My thoughts are more terrible than your thoughts
• It’s your fault
• No, No way, Never, You can’t make me do it
• I say the opposite of what you say
• I say the first thing that comes to mind
• Let’s call it even
• Fighting as foreplay

Ready to explore these now? Any of these seem familiar already? I can pick two out immediately that I do constantly and, though I can’t say that I honestly knew I was doing it, I saw immediately (when pointed out) that these are behaviors that I exhibit regularly just by reading the titles and before reading the details. I’ll point out the ones that I self-identified as I go along with a small asterisk*. I’ve marked two with a double asterisk** because I find them to be particularly notable as to my own specific games in every serious relationship I’ve ever had[1].

The Games ADD People Play

Let’s have a problem**

Without enough stimulation, the brain looks for ways to increase its own activity. Being mad, upset, angry, or negative has an immediate stimulating effect on the brain. Whenever you get upset, your body produces increasing amounts of adrenaline, which stimulates heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, and, yes, brain activity. Many people with ADD pick on others to get a rise out of them, to get them upset, to make them crazy. By doing so, they get a rush in the brain that provides the stimulation they crave.

I bet I can get you to yell at me or hit me*

A similar game to “Let’s Have a Problem” is “I Bet I Can Get You to Yell at Me or Hit Me.” Many people with ADD are masterful at getting others to scream, yell, spank[2], and basically fly out of control. They get others so upset that they cannot help but lose it. These negative behaviors provide quite the adrenaline rush but frequently lead to serious negative consequences, such as divorce, fights at school, unemployment, and even abuse. Again, the game is unconscious, not planned. It seems as if the ADD person senses the most vulnerable issues for others, and they work on them until there is an explosion[3].

My thoughts are more terrible than your thoughts

ADD people seem to be experts at picking out the most negative thoughts possible and staying focused on them for prolonged periods of time. It is almost as if they need the negativity to have the mental energy to function. You have probably noticed the people who play this game at work: If ten good things and one bad thing happen, most of their thoughts are focused on the bad thing. These are the people who complain, gossip, find fault, undermine, and pit people against each other. In meets they disagree and find fault. Many ADD people who unknowingly play this game end up isolated, lonely, depressed, and even more negative. People who are isolated from others have a higher incidence of both physical and emotional problems.

It’s your fault

This may be the most dangerous ADD game of all. In it the ADD person reasons that he or she has little, if anything, to do with the problem in his or her own life. Any problem is someone else’s fault. Whenever you blame someone else for the problems in your own life, you become a victim of that other person and you have no power to change anything. Without a sense of personal power, people often feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

No, No way, Never, You can’t make me do it

Opposition also increases adrenaline in the ADD brain. Many people with ADD, especially Type 3, tend to be argumentative and oppositional with people in their lives. These negative behaviors often cause tension and turmoil in families, in relationships, or at work. You cannot let people badger you or irritate you into getting their way. If you allow this game to work, it sets up serious social problems. No one likes someone who argues with everything they say or opposes them most of the time.

I say the opposite of what you say

This is the verbal equivalent to the “No, No Way, Never, You Can’t Make Me Do It” game (which is more behavioral in nature). The people who play this game take a position opposite to that of the other person in the conversation.

I say the first thing that comes to mind

ADD people will say things like “I am brutally honest” and they wear this trait as if it were a badge of courage. In reply, brutal honesty is usually not helpful. Relationships require tact. A doctor entered a waiting room, ten minutes late, to greet his 8 year old patient. She blurted out, “Well, it’s about damn time.” Her mother was horrified and apologized. But this was just par for the course in an ADD household.  This game causes many, many problems. When you just say the first thing that comes to mind, you can hurt someone’s feelings, infuriate a customer, or give away secrets that were entrusted to you.

Let’s call it even*

Many people with ADD play this deflection game. In this game, whenever someone else has a complaint or criticism, the player also adopts the complaint as his or her own. For example, if a husband is unhappy that the house isn’t clean, his wife (the player) complains that he doesn’t help enough. If a wife complains that her husband doesn’t listen enough, the husband will complain about the same thing. If a sibling says that her sister goes into her room and takes things, the sister will say she does that because her sister does it too.

Fighting as foreplay**

In this game there is an intense fight, then a period of making up, which includes making love. The swing of emotions is quick and dramatic. One minute you are fighting, talking about divorce and ready to leave the relationship, the next moment you are making wild, passionate love and feeling blissful. It’s confusing to the participants but makes some biological sense. Once stimulated, you are ready for love.

All of these games are very destructive in ADD relationships. The first step in eliminating these games is to notice them.

And from here, we begin to explore how to eliminate them and set into place better boundaries, habits, frames of mind, and general healthy behaviors.

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1. … with one possible exception. [↩]
2. Though I know a few people who might like this! LOL! [↩]
3. Note: The treatment for this particular game causes the problem to temporarily get worse before it gets better. And it never really goes away since the ADD person will continue to test these boundaries once established. [↩]

Dr. Amen has a questionnaire for the purposes of assessing the various subtypes of ADHD. It’s nothing formal in any sense of diagnosis, but I found that the results were quite accurate when applied to both myself and to Jinx.

I had asked Jenn to work the questionnaire for both of us from her perspective since she knows us best on a daily basis. I wanted a baseline from which to work when I did the same questionnaire both for myself but also for Jinx from my perspective. Her results were remarkably on the mark. My results were shot from the hip at first (intuitive answering) and wildly different from hers. When I went back and really thought about each question, I changed several answers and found that the end results were still different but proportionally the same as hers in the ratios.

Jinx and I have both been formally diagnosed with ADHD, so I’m not worried about that nor am I necessarily trying to replace one diagnosis with another. I find that this complements what I already know. However, that said, both Jinx and I are Type 1 (Classic ADD) subtypes with a secondary Type 3 (Overfocused ADD) subtype[1]. I understand why they call it overfocused but I think it is misleading on the surface. But just the written description fits Jinx perfectly in both cases.

I’m rereading most of the materials again now and focusing on the diet restrictions and additions. I also need to go through my kitchen and list out everything that either needs to be tossed now or will not be replaced once gone. Fun, fun. And all in time for the holidays!

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1. The H in ADHD is a subaspect of ADD and merely means there is a manic or hyperactive element to the disorder itself. Also, there is some indication of a Type 6 (”Ring of Fire” ADD) subtype for me, but in review it is still minimal and a tertiary subtype at best for me—though it may actually have quite a bit of influence in my behavior patterns. It is also possible that the Type 6 responses that both Jenn and I marked are directly tied to my bipolar disorder rather than the ADD itself. The indicators of both are very similar and mine cycle—indicating bipolar—rather than remain persistent—indicating Type 6 ADD. Personally, I wouldn’t mind medicating the ADHD if I thought it would help but I will never again mediate the bipolar. [↩]

Just a couple of random things. As always, a little click gets you a bigger version for details.

I told Jenn she could have her cake and eat it too. But, alas, she turned it down.

I can’t say I blame her now.

Jinx says he has no friends. But, look! Friends! This image was originally taken with him in the middle, but rather than crop out everything but him, I thought I’d prove for the record that he’s full of shit when he says he has no-one to play with. Even they like having their picture taken as is obvious by their need to dance for the camera.

My beautiful Zoe basking in the solace.

My beautiful Zoe realizing that I’m taking her picture.

Me being weird while making aforementioned bundt cake and almost pouring it all over the floor being silly.

Actually, at the moment, I’m feeling a bit sick and extremely tired and there was more rejection than just the cake, so I’m outta here for a while.

You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little
Tease a little more
Easy operator come a knockin’ on my door
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah

I couldn’t resist. Sorry. I am, of course, a child of the 80s after all. LOL!

Most people know that both Jinx and I are diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. Not really a big secret if you’ve ever been around either of us for longer than 30 seconds[1].

I’m working on reworking our diet to help out since many of the neurological issues are very much triggered by the foods we eat. I have a friend who got both her kids completely off medication by following this one doctor’s plan which is more individual-type geared rather than just some generic one-size-fits-all plan. So I started working on determining which subtype of ADHD Jinx and I were. His mother helped out by providing an external perspective as well.

But—and this was part of the point about the Alcoholics Anonymous quip in my last post—sugar is one of the main villains in the fight against ADHD. I’ve eliminated much of the obvious sugar from our diet already. And it shows. However, think about this a minute:

A therapist came up to [Dr Amen] during the break with this story. He said, “I’m so glad you mentioned the sugar. I used to be a very angry person; sometimes I would even scare my family. It made me feel terrible. I even took anger management classes, but they didn’t seem to help. When I eliminated sugar in my diet, I noticed almost an immediate reduction in outburst, plus I felt more energetic, lost weight, and was much more focused.” His personal experience was the same as [Dr Amen's] clinical experience.

Even though we didn’t actually eliminate sugar but merely reduced it by a great amount, I can still say that the amount of outbursts from Jinx has been reduced a great deal and my own focus and anger issues have begun to decrease as well. Neither of us are “there” yet, but I can certainly see progress that makes me take this whole thing very seriously.

So what’s this thing with Alcoholics Anonymous? They serve coffee and donuts. So? Right? What do you put into coffee? What is a donut but little more than sugar in the round? This is why we don’t give ADHD children donuts for breakfast. Not only do they bounce off the walls, but they have no focus, gain weight, and end up with a crash when it’s done. Same with an alcoholic except even more dangerous. Alcohol metabolizes into sugar. In fact, one of the major weight gain villains is alcohol. The calorie intake alone from alcohol is whacked when it comes to proportion with other beverages because of the way that the alcohol is broken down by the body. But, the bottom line is that alcohol is converted to sugar (basically). So when an alcoholic decides to stop drinking and then goes to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with coffee and donuts, they aren’t “getting cured.” They are merely substituting one sugar addiction for another. So instead of removing what the body does with alcohol, they continue it. Which means, it’s just that much easier to do a reverse substitution of alcohol instead of coffee and donuts. Catching on now?

What makes alcoholics so amazingly hostile both before they sober up and after they start to sober up but collecting their karma points in the form of little plastic chips? Sugar feeds anger and hostility. What is alcohol? What is coffee and donuts? Why are Sunday morning Christians trying to cleanse the world by the sword?[2] Why is it so hard for a recently sober person to focus on more than one thing at a time? Why do family members often complain that their newly sober loved one hasn’t actually changed at all in their personality? The sugar intake has not changed and the feedback loop from sugar to brain says, “fuck you!”

It’s not like this is new information, mind you. When I sobered up through that little mandated program the State of Texas so conveniently provided to me, the first two “sessions” were about diet. The first thing they did was explain proper breakfast foods. Oh. And they didn’t have a single coffee pot in the whole place and the “snacks” were hard boiled eggs and small tuna/wheat toast munchies. And water. Lots and lots of water. Not only have I remained sober since that point but my ability to return to a moderate alcohol intake[3] is not feeding the body’s addiction to the sugar[4]. I’m not saying this to pat myself on the back—though I won’t deny a sense of pride for having kicked yet another horrible habit in my life—but merely to suggest that I think diet had a huge impact on my success back then.

So, this isn’t really going anywhere. It’s merely my acknowledgement that sugar is a major, major culprit in my home and I know it and I’m working to reduce it as much as 90-95% as I am able. And, of course, it is my explanation as to my Alcoholics Anonymous snark earlier.

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1. … which is about the length of time it takes for one of us to bounce across a wall or chase a tangent. [↩]
2. Oops. Sorry. Crossed wires. [↩]
3. … which really means that I could do one or two drinks a year a couple years back, but now just don’t care to drink at all. [↩]
4. … and, in fact, most drinking now makes me slightly ill-feeling which is why I just don’t go out of my way to drink at all. [↩]

Anyone getting in a little humping over the holidays? Yeah. Not me either, though I bet there are plenty of people who will get some. Anyone up for a holiday betting pool?

Did you hear the joke about the first Thanksgiving? The one about if the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey for that first dinner instead of a turkey, we’d all be getting a piece of ass this upcoming holiday …?

I promise not to give up my day job until after I finish school. And I promise not to go into comedy. Really.

For those who were asleep, yesterday was indeed my hatch day. For those who weren’t paying attention, I even gave the year of my birth—ironically, the same year as the establishment of the Church of Satan. A coincidence? I think not, my dear friends[1]. The only complaint I have is that my half-heartedly promised birthday gift never showed up, but I’m rolling with the disappointment. It’s not like this was unanticipated. In fact, I think I even said so before I reached yesterday. Not that it was a difficult prediction. However, my highlight was a handsome young man who decided that he wanted to take me to dinner. And so we ended up at Olive Garden, which just so happens to be one of my very favorite places to eat. I had my usual salad, breadsticks, and soup while he had a pizza and milkshake.

This will make Gerald smile:— Jinx and I are participating in the “Guest at your Table” program with our church[2]. It is little more than a box to catch loose change, but the opportunity to talk over dinner about various world issues—such as children not being able to have dinner or not having computers or a Playstation—has been quite remarkable. Jinx opens up and asks questions and I have to find answers, so it’s becomes an excellent dialogue for us both as well as putting our money, however little it may be, to use in something other than our own gratification-oriented whims[3]. Hopefully I will be able to use this as merely one in the beginning of lessons toward how to look beyond one’s selfishness, insecurities, and primal urges to see other people as part of the same web of life to which we all belong and then to do something about it.

We are not going out of town after all but we will be otherwise occupied for this holiday unless something else comes up that is more worthy of our time. Given certain other experiences of the last 48 hours, I’m remaining flexible to see if maybe family actually does take priority over anything else. We also already have our “tree trimming” plans at church since my offer for a hard-to-get-tickets-for rock concert on the same evening was turned down. And, later in the month we will be going with our church’s pagan earth-oriented spirituality group to the 16th Annual Winter SolstiCelebration (link to PDF event flyer) down at the Cathedral of Hope.

We’ve been working around here in the homestead on the concept (and consequences) of lying. I have a private post about a conversation I had with Jinx over this, but I’m not making it public[4]. But we had a scrap last night over a lie about his nighttime medicine. So, at nearly 1am, he was still awake because I trusted him over my instincts. Since I would hate to be wrong and overdose him, I rolled with it. Granted, it is a holiday night (along with the rest of the week nights this week, of course), but that does not excuse lying. I couldn’t decide on the fly how to deal with it other than I told him that I was disappointed and I would discuss it with him in the morning. Given my new policies on dealing with infractions (rather than the heated, angry method I’ve used in the past—trying to get away from heated and angry in total), I may just have him spend an hour cleaning this morning before starting his day.

Oh. A quick interlude here. Let me tell you: horny goat weed rocks. That’s all I’ll say for now. LOL!

Random Fact: Do you know why Alcoholics Anonymous fails more often than not? While I would only love too much to say that it was the fallacy in principles on which it is formed, alas, I would have to admit that such a goal would be just as fallacious and spiteful rather than truthful. No, in fact, the reason why Alcoholics Anonymous fails more often than not is because their meetings provide coffee (and usually donuts or breads stuffs of some kind) to alcoholics[5].

I think my dog is sick again. She’s acting mopey and apparently performed another Houdini trick out of her cage to go throw up in my living room. Still trying to figure that one out. She doesn’t seem to have any other symptoms at the moment, but I know that she needs to go to the vet for a check up in January (when I can afford it).

So today is officially the first day I start working on holiday plans. What to do, where to go, who to do it with (heh. sorry, my brain is definitely in the gutter this morning), what food to prepare, etc etc. I picked up a huge grapevine wreath from one of the Freecycle lists and I plan on stripping it down and making something with it for the holidays too. Was thinking about making that a family project, but we’ll see.

Overall … a good week so far. We’ll have to see how the rest plays out.

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1. Heh. I’ve always wanted to end a sentence like that! [↩]
2. … of which the decision was made final yesterday afternoon by Jinx that we’ve officially adopted this church as our own. [↩]
3. I did ask his mother to participate in her own way if she could but I received, of course, no response to that email—since it probably didn’t make her feel attacked or put her on the defensive. Here I am trying to teach my son about a love that is beyond mere words and spasms and any expression of that kind of love between adults is seen as something to blow off and ignore. Great role model material, to be sure. Fortunately, he doesn’t know I asked her, so he can’t be disappointed like I am. [↩]
4. It’s available to most who already have registered accounts here should they wish to go find it. [↩]
5. I’ll have an entire post on this—the food stuff, not the AA stuff—later in the week sometime. [↩]

Once again, here we go. I do this every year. It’s always interesting to me to see how this goes. And, yes, I still can see the patterns and the aspects of life that come about only to fit perfectly within the spheres of my life.

And this year? Oh, the irony that abounds already puts a smile on my face. (And, yes, the picture is only a couple days old now. Feel free to click to see me grow bigger.)

See ya next year!

5 in the morning came really early … um … this morning. I had issues trying to sleep last night and didn’t even get in bed until after 1:00am. Back up at 5 again and on through dawn. Great. The day is quiet enough. It’s a holiday week and even though I still have work in one class, then other is all “makeup” work and I’m already caught up.

In many ways in life, I feel like a newborn with a machine gun. So many things are new in life and that’s exciting, but I’m not willing to be fucked with anymore as I emerge into this new world around me[1]. However, life has turned out to be much more colorful than even I gave it credit for being in the first place. I prefer this life. I spent so long hiding from it because of fear of people, fear of exposure, fear of interaction. I’ve even ruined whole relationships for this fear. Better late than never, I guess.

I’m still working on plans. It appears we may still be leaving town this weekend. Given that we have no family in town for the holiday and no plans, we got offered a trip out east and I think we’re going to take it. I have to work out a couple of details, but it sounds like fun. And it gets our 2009 travel plans off to a good start.

Have I mentioned that I miss her so much it physically hurts? Yeah. Okay. Let’s get something clear here:

Bitchy, Hormonal Interlude: Skip As Needed

You’re kidding, right? The whole current situation makes 2004 look like a holiday in Portugal Paris. I mean, I’m not sure I’ve actually been through anything like this before. It is now at the ludicrous stage of impossible to grok any rhyme or reason to her motivations, actions, desires, goals, plans, anything. I’ve never been more confused over all this than I am today. Never! And I’ll say this one more time: getting the shit beat out of me on a regular basis was much easier to deal with. But I have no more illusions about ’staying together for the children.’ Jenn cured me of that when she very patiently explained that “being a man” was no excuse to put up with the abuse even to keep a family together for the kids[2]. Of course she now thinks I’m supposed to take her shit too. But I’ve learned well. Maybe not well enough, but I’m not perfect by any means[3]. I just have so much equity in this relationship (a topic I’ll come back to later in my Sunday post that hasn’t been finished) that I don’t want to see it lost over either of us being stupid (which we are being anyway even if I’m the only one that can admit it).

I only wanted (still only want?) one thing for my birthday this year  (and it was not sex—though I certainly wouldn’t turn it down at this point). I’ve spent two months trying to prep the groundwork for this but, alas, it’s not happening that I can see. So while certainly a guilt trip—with flourish even—the final insult to injury will be complete and I will be finally cured seared of all attachment to this fucked up situation. Should this actually play out as I anticipate, then I certainly know that the future is singularly fixed with only Jinx and I moving on (and away soon). Fortunately, however, the drama will go away too—never to be seen or heard from again. Maybe there is a god after all? The problem is, of course, that I wish to be surprised by what I’m not anticipating. I guess I want to anticipate the unanticipatable or some kind of miracle? Yeah. Okay. Explain that one to me. LOL!

Moving Right Along Into Manic Mode

I owe three people emails today. I need to get started on my homework. Work is uber-slow for some reason.

Speaking of work, the idea that these guys can all sit around over there in a pow-wow and do nothing but talk golf, women’s breasts, and beer is astounding to me. Is this how I’m supposed to be to be successful, “keep” a woman, and find fulfillment in life? How utterly pathetic!

I was told this morning that I have no ass. Actually, I was told that I have no ass and that it was getting even more nonexistent. What the hell? I have an ass, thankyouverymuch!

I have like 5(?—huge, at least) gallon pasta cooker. I only mention that because I spent all last night making Chex Mix. LOL! That entire thing is full up! Of course, I then realized this morning how inconvenient that is when Jinx reminded me that I promised to make him spaghetti tonight for dinner. Oops. I’m not sure how the munchies will help my fitness goals[4], but I’ll have to play it by ear.

Oh. Speaking of fitness goals …! I went jogging this morning. Oh. My. Fucking. God. First, I’m not really sure my knees can handle this kind of abuse (and any comments from the peanut gallery will be met with swift sarcasm and sharp wit). Second, I need to learn how to run again. I know that sounds really weird, but I found myself trying to figure out how to pace myself. I mean, I’m a former track and field guy but this isn’t like riding a bike[5]! I’m going to keep going, of course, but … fuck! … this is going to be tough.

But just think about how fucking fine I’m going to look next summer when we hit the beach and I take off that shirt (with SPF 9000 sunblock, of course)! LOL!

Speaking of food: I’m getting this whole shopping thing down too. Jinx and I went grocery shopping last night. I have a budget of $200 and I make my list before I leave the apartment home. I’m pretty good, usually, at sticking to the list. Except this time. I was throwing shit in my basket right and left. But it was like the Chex Mix. I spent a little more to buy all the stuff for it than just a single bag of the pre-made stuff, but came out with six/seven times more Chex Mix with just the stuff I like in it. So worth it. But, really, I was picking up stuff that really wasn’t on my list and only forgot to pick up two “optional” things that I’ll go back and get for later this week. My total? $160. And, like I said, that included the garbage that wasn’t on my list that I last-minutes-shoved into my basket. Hello? We have so much stuff right now that I was running out of places to put it all. We are stocked to the gills and I might not even have to do a full shopping next paycheck.

Uh huh! Uh huh! Im in uz grocery store scarin’ uz lettuce, makin’ it wilt! Uh huh! Uh huh!

Speaking of healthy things, I started buying this bread for Jinx. He loves it. It’s sugar-free bread! He doesn’t seem to mind that it’s wheat bread either even though he initially tried to turn his nose up at it. But I really never thought I’d get him off white bread. Now I’m working through trying to learn what else I can get rid of and replace to continue the trend of removing the far majority of processed sugar (for starters) out of his diet. I know I won’t be able to eliminate it all, but even a 50% reduction would be helpful and I think (with wide estimates here) that I can get him down by 80-90% by the end of January if I try hard enough.

Okay. Well. That’s it I think. I’m all talked out for the day. I just need to work on my Sunday post (that will come out after this Monday post and I need to work on that better next weekend!) and figure out how to get into some trouble around here.

Anyone up for a little trouble with me?[6]  Heh.

innervox

1. And, quite simply, I just want someone who will love me for me without reservation or regret. And: yes, yes; I know that I have Jinx, but I’m talking about adult relationships here for many different and I would think obvious reasons. Since I’m not going to get what I desire, I’ll have to start working on settling for what I can get or remain alone. A weekend spasm may be okay for some, but I’m not satisfied by such shallow behaviors and base urges. They’re fun with someone special, but I’m not interested in “just a fuck” or a weekend fling “because I can.” I’m not an 18 year old teenager in heat anymore. [↩]
2. And, to be frank about it, I have yet to consider staying with Jenn “for the kiddo.” Not happening and not interested. I want—*sigh* yes … still … even now—to stay with her because I care about her, her future, our future, us, and I love her. Just not sure how hard it is to grasp this concept. [↩]
3. I am, however, very grateful for the lesson in life even if it has certainly been learned so well now as to be extremely dangerous. I will only take so much—even though that is far, far more than most normal human beings—before I pack it all up and go home leaving a trail of mass destruction and chaos in my wake. I am just that petty thanks to Jenn’s careful training of how to deal with abusive partners. The Psycho™ still has never fully recovered from losing that war no matter how many more battles she won over me. I’m not the pussy that Jenn found 13 years ago though either—I only play one for effect. Wow. I just have this strong urge to break out into quoting Darth Vader: When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master. [↩]
4. … even if it might help my ass! [↩]
5. I really hope sex isn’t this hard to relearn! LOL! [↩]
6. Sorry, though. If you aren’t blonde (under black for now), beautiful, and run by the name Jenn, I doubt we’re going to find much trouble together. At least for quite some time to come. Sorry. [↩]

It’s so freakin’ freezing! (Actually, it’s just low 40s, but still…)

It looks like we will be trying to hit five states in five months in 2009 plus one possible overseas venture (though this latter is the prenascent stages of planning so I can’t really say much). Some may wish to keep their hotel rooms to hide things, but we’re planning on trying to get around without hotel rooms to see if we can’t meet some old friends and make some new ones. Since Jenn made her final intentions clear on Friday, the push to figure out new job possibilities and living arrangements will begin soon[1]. I feel like breaking out into Motley Crue: My heart’s like an open book / For the whole world to read / Sometimes nothing—keeps me together / At the seams / I’m on my way / I’m on my way / Home sweet home. It’s been a tough ride thus far and I think I’m starting to see the light[2]. Life around here is about to take off not just for the better—since it’s already that—but to new and spectacular peaks and valleys.

But let’s talk about the fun stuff! As if travel isn’t fun! Puh-lease!

Jinx and I went to Half Price Books, Gamestop, and IKEA and had a blast. We had Swedish meatballs for a snack since we’re having early dinner with my dad, grandmother[3], and other son late afternoon. I did pick up some DVD racks that just rock cool. Granted, that means that I have to be Mr Fix-it Man and put them up. I’m still trying to get the hang of things that I didn’t used to do on a regular basis. Not really my forte. But I’ve become quite handy with a screwdriver.

[dramatic pause inserted here]

I might even have to start craving power tools for Yuletide.

[another dramatic pause inserted here]

So very few people will actually get the humor in that and, sadly, the one who will doesn’t give a rat’s ass[4]. But we did stop by Half Price Books. I found a collector’s set of the Beauty series by Anne Rice. I almost bought them since it would appear that our library is going to be torn asunder by the same selfishness as our lives. But I really wanted to buy them as a gift[5] and decided against it. I did, however, pick up three books that were on the clearance shelves:

• The Plucker: An Illustrated Novel by Brom
• The Ruins by Scott Smith
• Poetry and Prose by Walt Whitman

Running around IKEA is just not the same withou…

Jinx and I had a blast running through IKEA. I so wanted to make some larger decisions than I did, but I needed a new set of flatware (since I just don’t have enough, believe it or not, for three since I try to minimize using the dishwasher every day) and a papertowel holder, and just some other small things. And I did pick up a bag of meatballs (minus the lingonberries this time) and the DVD racks. I probably shouldn’t have, but it’s just one more thing I can get out of my hall closet and out into the open.

Going to head off to finish cleaning the apartment our home and get all the laundry put up. Then it’s off to dad’s for a bit and see what the rest of the evening holds. We are working on planning next weekend out of town with some friends since we’re not doing Thanksgiving this year at all[6].

I gotta stop this bitter thing. Saturdays are supposed to be about the fun stuff. I guess I’ll work on getting these posts right starting next week. I mean, I stopped repressed everything else so that I can turn my life into a ticking emotional timebomb, but apparently this is the way I’m supposed to be since peace, love, and happiness is not allowed[7].

Okay. I’ll end with something goofy. While this is certainly a “home made” movie (and the creator admits it), it’s not the video but the song that struck me. LOL! It’s cute. And it’s one that will just go right over someone’s head. Of course, the video gives me heartburn for the simple reason that I can relate right now and it’s depressing to me to work so hard for so many years to have and give so much only to have it be tossed away for nothing more than a wet spot in the sheets.

I can’t help it, I’m just falling; I’ve learned from my mistakes and baby I’m not stalling
Sweet light pouring, sweet like cheesecake, porcelain skin, for heavens sake
Just gimme a break, just gimme some time, just gimme that look and I’ll make you mine, oh Valentine
What a pick-up line, butterflies and cloud nine, in decline all the time
You always do, you always do, you put me through this mess everyday

innervox

1. I’m still living in a state of willing denial and need some time to process all this new information (and allow the fantasy in my head some time to change her mind). [↩]
2. Maybe not, but it’s fun to think that one has finally reached a plateau of understanding. The loss is sharp, but the future is full of so much possibility and potential just waiting to be explored. Tough shit for those who aren’t interested in going with us. Their loss—and I’m beginning to feel no sympathy for demands that are highly unreasonable. Get on the tour bus or stick with the little bicycle you’ve picked up out of the gutter. Once the bus leaves, it ain’t coming back for any reason at all. But shut the fuck up either way and shove that attitude back in some unused hole. [↩]
3. … whom I haven’t seen since my mother died last year [↩]
4. I guess I just so really miss the humor, conversation, and connection we had that she claims (ironically, given the ability to joke about certain obvious things that only she would really get) never were real. It’s actually quite heartbreaking. I really don’t want to have to spend another 13 years trying to start over to just reach the point with someone where a single sentence can hold so may different layers of personal meaning that are filled with joy, laughter, love, and incredible memories. [↩]
5. As I sat there are stared at them, though, I realized they would be taken as expected, never really appreciated for the gift (or the meaning behind the gift), and then such thoughts yet again turned to someone other than me. I’m dealing with some harsh realities here. Nothing I do is good enough at all for someone who claimed to have loved me so much. [↩]
6. It’s all good. It’ll be fun for us both to get away from the uncertainty, chaos, and lack of presence that addiction has pissed all over us for the last couple of years. It’ll be really nice to be around people who care about us rather than just themselves. [↩]
7. It’s just that getting out to “live life” makes me realize how much my experience of life itself was wrapped up totally in my experience of living my life with her. Obviously, the converse, for her, is not true. So many things are still fun but ultimately feel empty because I’m not enjoying them with her next to me smiling, laughing, playing, and enjoying the same things like we used to do—even though she still sits around claiming otherwise. And, quite frankly, nearly all of … well … everything is stuff I would just rather do with her than without her. Most of it was special because she was part of it not because of the experience itself. [↩]

See? I finally figured out the problem. I don’t understand it, but that is because I’ve never had this problem.

I’m not shallow.

Now … I’m sometimes stupid, but I’m not shallow by any stretch of the imagination.

So when you ask someone which of the two choices they want to keep …

1. Fuck Buddy
2. Family

… and they have to actually think about that, you just don’t get any clearer about what they hold in the way of priorities. It’s really is that simple and not something likely to be misunderstood at all. And I don’t mean a shocked hesitation of “I can’t believe you would even ask me such a question,” but a flat out “I need to think about that because I don’t know how to phrase my answer” pause of thought. Huh? A over there. B over here. Which do yo want to keep? See? Easy. No special wording required.

Personally, I picked B and I did so without even thinking about it. It came naturally as if already part of me. I’ve had A before and found it unrewarding in the big picture and it contributed nothing to the priorities of my life—except more pain, heartache, and trouble. No thank you. I’ll take the hardships of a committed and delicate relationship any day over the transient spasm of a weekend wet spot.

Not everyone has the same priorities in life.

And that’s a major problem.

I’m starting to figure out where the bank of this river in Egypt actually is and heading that direction to stop swimming in the muck.

Thank Any God It’s Friday!

It’s definitely been an interesting and educational week.

I’ve reconnected with some old friends, made some new friends, and learned a lot about friends that I should have known but either didn’t or forgot that I did.

And I’ve made some choices for myself, for my child, and for my family that have far reaching consequences that I’m totally prepared to live with. But all in good time, right?

The images below, as usual, can be clicked for larger versions.

Blessings

I have one amazing child. Okay. Actually I have two amazing children, but the one that I’m raising is the one that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I cannot believe how far we have come in just a couple of months. We have some pretty major hurdles to still cross, but we’re getting there slowly and with a determination that is just unbelievable. This boy deserves a medal. Allow me to share (sorry, it is from a cell phone):

Goofy Jinx

I took him to his favorite seafood place last night since I’m working on providing him with something special every paycheck to ensure that he knows that he’s doing really well in life overall and that I appreciate the patience he gives me in life right now. I think all relationships are two-way streets, even when the other person is a child[1]. Needless to say, he was totally thrilled.

I have one beautiful and amazing dog. You will never find a more gorgeous and faithful animal. (Okay, you are free to disagree about your own animal, but I’m telling you …) She is loyal to The Boy, lays at the door every morning waiting for me to open it so she can go in and wake him up, makes sure that he’s in bed on time in the evening (and even gets fussy if he keeps getting back up over and over again after he’s supposed to be in bed), and just generally dots over him like a hen. And when she’s not doing that (or trying to be a bully to other dogs from the safety of the second floor balcony), she’s pretty much laying at my feet constantly. Allow me to share again.

Beautiful Zoe

I’m blessed with a brain that I know how to use efficiently.

I still have a job. And, after conversations yesterday, apparently I’ll have a job for a while. At least while we’re still in Dallas. I’m going to make a new push for changes sometime next year, but I think I’m going to run through this in a bit different way. And I’m going to see if I can find a “manager” of sorts to help with this. I just don’t have the time to focus all my energy into figuring out where we need to be for best results or even how to get there/afford there. And especially since I have absolutely no idea where there is right now.

Lessons

As I grow older, I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me.
—H. Rider Haggard

I regret to say that I’ve learned this “detestable habit” is not more widespread among those around me. Or, more to the point, that what I consider to be simple is actually quite complicated[2] for some people. Priorities, for instance. I would think that there are some things in life that are just not on the table for compromise. Granted, I’m an idealist in many ways. I see the potential nature of humanity rather than the muck and shit it really is. If there is anything that I’ve learned through this personal injustice that has been inflicted upon me, it is that people really are just monkey suits full of shit. I have watched while multiple people—including Jenn—choose something that is no more and no less a physical response than taking a morning shit over the deeper and more important considerations of existence. And then the sad part is that some of these will actually say—though not Jenn explicitly, save in action alone[3]—that this spasm is something deep enough to destroy whole lives over.

I’m learning finances. Yes, in fact, I do have a spreadsheet now. I was once given some advice to “make lists.” I’m as much ADHD as my child and without the stabilizing force that my beautiful and talented (and now AWOL) mate brought to my manic little brain[4] I seem to have no earthly idea which way is up or how to stop my mouth from running long enough to properly pay my bills. But I am learning. Quickly even.

I’m learning that I that I talk too much. Except the funny thing is that I really don’t. And then I find out that what is really the problem is the uncomfortable nature of the honesty for one or two people[5]. When I said I was no longer going to blog, that I was going to shut down this site, the response was massive and overwhelming[6]. And so I continue to blog openly, honestly, and aggressively. And now with a daily pattern to follow. LOL!

5am comes early every morning. But I am learning that I really can do anything I set my mind to do. Next week I am going to add a bit more physical work to my mornings. However, I have learned just how valuable an hour can be. It’s one email written, it’s four paragraphs on a blog post, it’s ten/fifteen pages in a seriously deep book (a bit more on something less serious). It’s not really a lot of time and it can be wasted so easily. And what I translate that into is just how much time is wasted between people. I’m learning to move this lesson to my relationships too: to make every hour count with them. Because that hour might just be enough time to lose something forever or to capture the heart of someone before it’s too late[7].

Opportunities

Jinx keeps begging me to take him to the fitness center. Unfortunately, for him, the past couple of weeks have been extremely hectic on the school front as this semester is drawing to a close. But this is such a missed opportunity on my part and I know it. Since my 5am routine is going well (just the first week) and I’m building toward my physical program, I made a promise to him that we would go to the fitness center two nights a week. I haven’t kept that promise yet, but I need to sit down and work out a better evening schedule than we currently have. Right now, we’re kind of scattered in the evenings without any real direction except “do homework, have dinner, do whatever, bath/bed time” and it works but just not really efficiently for everything he and I both want to do.

I tried to share a memory last night with Jenn. It’s one of my favorites, but given the context it’s probably little wonder why. She wasn’t always like this. And, quite frankly, I’m starting to wonder if the memories are all false and I just made them up. But, I mean, there was a time when one might think that we lived straight out of a movie scene. It was just that too good to be true. It just didn’t seem to really phase her or move her: it was just another night in life I guess. But it was the winter of 1999[8] and cold. Very cold. We had a fire, blankets on the floor in front of said fire, a child laying quietly between us, and we read The Thousand Nights and One Night over a period of weeks, stopping at the breaks—in the middle of a story—just as the frame story itself stopped. We even made love in front of that fire several times after The Boy (then The Baby) was asleep and the story ended. There has never been a single moment in time that I have felt closer to someone on every level of my own desire at the same time. Various times, various desires, different people: sure. One person, every desire, all at once? Never before. Never since.

The reason for the memory? Allow me to share:

Future Memories

Any number of guesses as to what I was thinking? Yeah. Not hard to figure out. But I don’t think this was an opportunity missed by me …

innervox

1. Though I do wish I’d learned to express this a bit sooner for other relationships. But better lesson learned and applied now than never at all. [↩]
2. And, for the record for that person in the middle of the complicated vs simple discussion we’re having, this comment is totally unrelated. [↩]
3. And her actions and behaviors and words are pretty deceiving at the moment and I’m not really ready to try and start interpreting those any more than I have already since I’m still trying to find the silver lining here and hand it to her. [↩]
4. The problem, of course, is that I also figured out that I liked being reliant on her for some of these things. I liked being able to focus without having to be concerned that my life was going down the drain. Of course, she was flushing me down the toilet instead of actually supporting me, but that’s a different matter altogether. [↩]
5. And, ironically enough, instead of engaging this sense of uncomfortableness and working through it or challenging awkward statements—like D. did when I misrepresented our break-up—all I get is silence and hostility. Grow up already. It’s been said often enough: I’ve never been good at making other people feel good. I’ve only ever been good at telling the Truth.