I won’t be graduating on schedule. However, I only have four more classes to take and I can graduate.

So, since I have a life that I have to live alone now[1], I’ve decided to just go with three classes.

I will be taking Cultural Anthropology (online) with the same Sociology professor from Fall 2007 whom I adored and very much adored me in return. He was totally awesome. I did everything I could to stay away from the dude I tried to take this semester. He was nuts. But this guy is the real deal and totally awesome. I can’t wait. It will be just as tough, but at least I already have experience with this guy. I’m so excited already!

I found a Speech class that says it’s “100% online” so I grabbed it. If it’s truly totally online, then I should be okay on the majority of things. I might need to work on getting a camera/video of some kind, but that’s much easier for me to deal with on speeches (if that’s the way it goes) than standing up in front of people. Ironic, eh?, for someone who wants to be a professor to have stagefright?

And I decided to take a General Introduction to Astronomy (again, online) as my physical science class.

That leaves an Advanced Humanities class to take but there were not any online classes for it this semester. If Summer I rolls around without an online class for it, then I’m going to have to seriously question their promise that this degree could be done totally online. But I’ll also have to suck it up and figure out how to make a campus class for a Summer session.

But … needless to say—and to the joy of at least a couple of people—I am officially registered for Spring 2009 with an anticipated graduation date of sometime mid-summer 2009. Then Phase 1 of the Evul Master Plan will be completed and I’ll have to be figuring out where to go from there.

And where to go from here will depend on my personal life crisis that is going on right now. I’m not leaving so long as there is a snowball chance in hell that we’ll work all this out for our family. But if not, then we will probably be looking to move sometime between the end of next summer and next Yule to somewhere else far, far away in a galaxy far, far away[2].

Was that redundant? LOL!

But I also predict that I’ll be looking hot as shit and then be very dead before the end of 2009. Oh well. Life goes on.

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1. … and I have to focus on being the sole caregiver to a very active child at the same time [↩]
2. … which gives plenty of time for working things out or finding a new place to live, either way [↩]

Jinx is out swimming today at school. I thought this was a great opportunity for him to do something different and really cool. They are learning swimming techniques and life saving skills at the same time. He’ll have this time for the next two days too. He was so excited. He continued to count down the days until we got here. It was cute.

Speaking of children: I’ve returned—finally—to a place where I am enjoying the majority of life through the childlike eyes that I really wanted to always keep. And I do mean childlike which is different from childish. I feel like I am faced every day with even more childish behavior to adult problems when I get up and read my email. I’m all about having fun, experiencing new things, and generally exploring the possibilities of ‘why.’ But I’m getting fed up with the childish games that seem to have no point and no end. If they led anywhere sane, I might be okay. But, as is, this is starting to remind me exactly of how someone else acted as they were sleeping with my brother while lying to my face about me[1].

This whole 5am thing is not so difficult on the morning end of things. It’s the bedtime part that’s difficult. I gotta get that last email out. Or I need to check LJ on more time. Or I need to see if anyone said something over at ABC. Or something. My mind just keeps going and going until I force myself to get up and get away from the computer or the book or the kitchen. If I can just lay down, I can generally get my mind to stop. That is at least encouraging so that, in the future, when I do have a mate again, I can provide them with the clue to turn me off from “over there” and get my attention to “over here.” I think that’s 50% of my problem in some areas and especially with her.

I think I want to just put a bullet in my head this weekend. This is all so far-fetched and asinine in scope as to be utterly ridiculous. Not to mention tedious.

Work is better today, but I realized just how many competent and needed people they got rid of last week. I’m totally blown away by all this.

Only three more weeks of school left. I’m supposed to be registering for the spring semester this week, but I haven’t even started looking at what classes I need to take or my schedule at this point only have four—FOUR!!—more classes to take to graduate. Since I got fucked raw in being able to focus on school and now have to play every major parental and social role by myself, I’m truly back in a position of not caring if I finish anymore. What’s the point when the motivation and purpose is gone? But, I’ll figure something out. I guess I need to figure out what I have left first and then go from there. I just don’t see the point anymore.

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1. Weird. I just realized that. The attitude is near identical, in fact. [↩]

I have been swamped with shit today. Not in a bad way, but my normally scheduled Sunday posting will be moved to tomorrow or whenever I can get to it. I had some thoughts I wanted to share, but this morning’s amazing, well, morning, our second week at church, and the rest of the day spent trying to get the rest of all this homework finished and turned in has made the day go by quite quickly. Since I’m starting my new bedtime/risetime tonight, I have less than an hour left and I’m going to spend it reading a bit. What I had to write would take longer than that I think anyway.

Overall, just a glorious day. But now it’s over and time to rest a bit before starting tomorrow. 5am comes early I hear and it will be interesting to me to see how I make it through the day itself getting up that early. Maybe I can at least start on my Sunday thoughts in the morning while I have my coffee. Get a good start on the day that way.

Insofar as public policy is concerned, I don’t think any of the recommendations are adequate or proper. I would recommend that such clearinghouses for the purposes of providing or denying medical insurance coverage should be heavily fined and dismantled. In addition I would add to that policy that any individual found trafficking in such information would be jailed for a minimum of 20 years without opportunity for parole only to be released with the same stigma as a child molester and forced to register as a perpetrator of fraud against humanity in every domicile in which they reside.

Thank Any God It’s Friday!

You must trust me when I tell you that I truly despise cats. However, this one—and many others in this series of images—truly speaks for me in ways that few animals could in any proper manner.

It has been one of those kinds of weeks.

Keep in mind that one of the reasons for rebooting this blog was the enormous amounts of whiny-assed posts[1] about “losing my mate”—though I didn’t lose my vehicle or my dog, so I’m not really sure what all the whining was about other than I’m quite attached to her for some reason that no-one has been able to explain and for any number of reasons of which she, apparently, isn’t all that fond in the first place …

What!?! Was that snarky? I really was trying to be funny.

So I’ve been bemoaning the fact that I lost my mate[2]. Now, this week—yesterday in fact—I lost one of my best friends to the corporate budget reconciliation. Officially, all departments (corporate and the clubs inclusive) were told to reduce payroll expenditures by 5%. So my friend, who is really the only person in this one club who actually knows anything at all and has some brain cells to rub together, is the one that got cut. She was leaving in January anyway, so she practically begged for it to save someone else’s job, but that’s not the point. I’m pissed off. How many of these guys on the 6th floor took any kind of cut at all to save some “budget expenditures”? I’m willing to make bets that a 1% to 5% cut in any one (or all) of their salaries wouldn’t make a dent in their golf game and would both save every job that was cut in addition to throwing all the Directors of Club Accounting into a fit by finally being capable of financing a move from a DOS-based accounting application into the real world of the 21st century. It just blows me away.

But … wait! … TAGIF! Posts are about blessings and lessons and reflections! Not this pissy shit.

So let’s start over and get this on the right track.

• I am thankful that I have a job that pays me well. Granted, not extremely well, but I have no major complaints. I have a job that I enjoy enough to not be miserable when I come to work. I have a job in which I enjoy and like 93% of my coworkers. I have a job that has bent over backwards to ensure my security and stability in my personal life so that my professional life continues to excel. I am thankful that I have not been put out on my ass when everyone knows that I’m in school specifically to get out of this job (or, rather, this career field).

This is the weekend I learn what a “social life” means. I have a late lunch-ish meet with an acquaintance whom I’ve admired from a distance for a while. Her husband wrote me back the other day and we’re a go for around 3pm. Then I have dinner with my friend at her place (where I stayed for nearly three weeks while all this mess sorted itself out) so that she can cook and we can watch Mirrormask which she’s never seen. She’s been my inspiration for a new kitchen (trust me, her kitchen is a wet dream for anyone who loves to cook!) and a huge supporter of me being on my own and kicking ass as things come around. We’ve been talking about dinner for two weeks, but I keep rushing home to deal with my homework and Jinx’s homework and dinner and laundry and … and … and … It’s just been nuts.

While I’d prefer to take Jinx with me (he likes her pool even if it’s too chilly now for him to use it but he loves the dog for the gay guys across the way), I am really okay with the first night in all this that I’ve been able to get any time to myself. I didn’t really think I’d say that, but it’s true. And I refuse to feel guilty about it. I’ve been kicking ass and taking names here lately and I’m just fine with how I’ve been doing. We’ve had our ups and downs and some wild surprises along the way, it’s been quite sane overall.

I might go see a midnight movie after that. Oh. No. You didn’t think … Oh. No. No, no. NO. We’re just friends. I mean, it’s not that she’s not attrac… Um. Wait. I’m about to dig a hole that I can’t get out of at all. We are really just friends; nothing more and no secret euphemisms there. She’s in my Top 10 of the most awesome people in the world and in the Top 5 of those I can trust explicitly with my thoughts and feelings without fear of rejection or ridicule but from whom I also know that I’ll get blunt, even brutal, and honest feedback too. She doesn’t pull punches.

• So I am thankful that I have friends still. I’m thankful to have friends that care about me regardless of my failings. I am working on moving friends, as a category of life, higher on the totem pole of priorities. It’s a struggle, all things considered, but I’m working on it.

Sunday will be our now-becoming-a-habit Sunday Breakfast and we’ll be joined by Jenn. I truly am looking forward to this. I know it might sound silly, but I am giddy about it. Maybe that’s stupid. I don’t know. I get some of the craziest emails from her that just make no logical sense to me. When I put the logical pieces in place, there are very few ways any of this could go; none of them good. But then she says something or does something that throws me for a loop[3] and I get all mushy about her and hopeful about the future. Yeah. I’m just marvelous on the willpower thing when it comes to her. Sheesh! But I really have all this planned out nicely. And I’m hoping that until we get all this sorted out and back under one roof even the weekends she doesn’t take Jinx that she’ll maybe surprise visit for breakfast on a regular basis. [snark deleted about availability] And, actually, I’m not going to change this “tradition” once there is only one roof. She’ll just have to adjust to getting up early enough for Breakfast Sundays[4]. Heh.

• Quite frankly, I’m thankful for Jenn. I think she’s a bitch most of the time, but I wouldn’t have made it this far in life without her. I realize that we’re I’m going through hell over all this with her, but I’d like to believe it’s worth it somewhere[5]. In any case,  I’m thankful that I’ve had the opportunity to spend this much time of my life with her and for what she’s brought to my life.

Then we have our second Sunday at church. But I’ll do more on that another time.

I have to finish up quite a bit of school work this weekend too. This week just flew by and I have no idea where it went. I know I have been distracted with a pen pal I have, but I’ve been very dedicated to my school work (generally speaking even if things were tight for a couple weeks in there). I have no excuses for this week. At least none that are acceptable.

• I am thankful that I have a brain that still works so that I can go to school. All things considered, I could be a vegetable (or dead) by now and this would all be moot anyway. But I’m thankful for the opportunity to continue my education and expand my horizons.

I’ve come to realize that I actually enjoy my life as a whole. It’s not where I want it to be right now. It doesn’t include some of the things I want in it right now. But it’s not a bad life. It’s a bit strange at times. It’s definitely bipolar in outlook at the moment (though that is to be expected I guess). But it’s my life and I’m quite proud of where I’ve been and where I’m going and where I am right now. I’ve worked hard for this. I deserve to be proud of it.

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1. I removed a great deal of volume that dealt with just those kinds of episodes in my life. Not sure anyone noticed, but the word count on this blog dropped from around 850,000 words to back down around 78,000 overnight. I had written nearly 350,000 words in two months. One would think I could actually write a book in that amount of time with a little emotional trauma motivation. [↩]
2. …which still may be a misnomer at the moment. I’m still a bit confused on the “official status” of this relationship since it seems that every other day it stands in a different spot in the universe. It’s quite possible that I’m the one standing still and watching her do little chaotic gyrations in my general direction that appear to be back and forth and it’s really just a cyclic movement back to me as I said in the first place when all this started. I dunno. I’m just the stupid man here. What do I know? [↩]
3. I’m just a tiny worm on a big fuckin’ hook. But at least I know that and can admit it. I am finally in the realm of choice over impulse. Can’t say the same about her yet, but I feel that I made it finally. So right now, my passivity is a choice. If I have to stand up anytime soon, the tidal wave of repercussions is going to drown us all because I am still so emotionally caught up in my inner turmoil. So, as of now, I’ve been intentionally sitting here trying—very hard indeed—to keep my mouth shut and maintain a sense of restraint and work on an inner peace and acceptance of myself through all this while waiting for her to get her head out of anyone’s her ass. No. No, I’m really not successful all the time with controlling my thoughts. *sigh* But at least I can admit that too. [↩]
4. One really needs to hear this sentence since it is total sarcasm in tone even if I’m pretty much serious in meaning. Think over-exaggeration and dramatic inflection. [↩]
5. One of the shifts in my own thinking is away from the implied reward/punishment system that still infects my mind from my early Christian upbringing. When we see the universe as merely an apathetic player in the cosmic events of any individual life, and then translate that into our own behavior, we start to understand the verse of “Every man and every woman is a star (AL 1.3).” She has her own course to run. All I can really hope for is her desire to share that course with me. [↩]

There are times when I feel like I’m just hanging on the edge of sanity by my fingernails.

We’ve had a fairly usual weekend insofar as all the standard crap goes. The more things don’t change, the more they really don’t change. I guess it’s just a matter of personal expectations that are sorely misplaced. I think highly of certain individuals and most of the time I am not disappointed by those in whom I have placed such thoughts. But it’s difficult to come to grips with the disappointment when it does happen. I tend to get over it quickly enough but I’m usually always a jerk while I’m dealing with it.

I’ve discovered that one of my shoes is coming apart. Granted, I could have used the money with which I took Jinx to the movies to buy new shoes. Nah, not really. It comes down to priorities. His happiness or my shoes. It’s a no-brainer actually. My shoes aren’t going to fall off my feet because they are a bit warped at the moment. Jinx, on the other hand, deserves a lot despite all the other things going on right now. Part of his problem is the boredom that sets in with children of his kind. I was there. I just had different outlets and was part of a generation that nothing came without great effort to avoid telling anyone that I was bored. The alternative was worse. Much, much worse.

Work is … work. I’ve started sending out resumes elsewhere. I’m not getting anything back, of course, but that’s not the point. And, for the record, it’s not because of any dissatisfaction with my current job. I need to see what options are open or available to me elsewhere—and I don’t mean just another company in Dallas. I’m looking for something either in the Northwest or anywhere on the mid to upper East coast. All things considered, I’m starting to see a different picture and by the time I make up my mind it will be too late for others to change theirs. Choices have consequences. And once you give up the ability to change your course, you really can’t complain about the lot in life you chose when others close the doors to alternatives you could have kept with the tiniest of effort[1]. I haven’t given up hope yet since there is too much actually heading in the right direction: just very slow. But slow is better than nothing in my book.

My birthday is in two weeks and I want a rosary. I have something specific (and custom) in mind, but I doubt it’s really possible at all merely because of the expense. But I think I’m going to find a big bottle of something and forget that I’m getting older[2]. This has definitely been the Year of the Tower. I can only hope that the next cycle is equally as true to form as every other one. I need it. But they say that Karma is a bitch. And everyone hits this Year in their life too. I can’t wait to watch.

I’m trying to get most of Thanksgiving week off work (or work from home) so that I can be here for Jinx. I think we’re going to be spending that holiday with my dad and Ian with some of their friends here in town. Christmas is still up in the air but we might be going to Atlanta for the first time. Ever. That’s not final yet. So I’m not planning on it (and I haven’t told Jinx anything at all about it), but it would be really nice for him finally to have a Christmas around real family the way it was meant to be. And given that everyone in my family seems to be dying at a rapid pace, I think him being able to see his great-grandmother again would be a good thing for the moment. Not sure why, but I just have that feeling it’s a good idea right now.

School is rocking along. I haven’t had a chance to slow down at all to even figure out what next semester should look like. All things considered right now, I don’t want to overload anything since I have so much going on with the home front. I need to be able to find a state of equilibrium much better than I have up to now. And should a miracle happen since a miracle happened today, then I need to ensure that I have my availability open to ensure that I am fully engaging the processes toward goals that I sincerely want to reach.

Oh. My. God. I looked in the mirror this morning after getting out of the shower and I didn’t scare myself. That’s the okay news. However, I noticed that the cut in my hips is starting to show again. Jenn has a name for those, but I’ll leave that to myself for now. I can only say that there mere sight of those lines is enough to keep me pressing forward. No. No. I’m not anywhere close to what I’d like to be or where I need to be for my own health and self-esteem. But there are definite changes that are huge! Totally huge! And, quite frankly, today I look fucking hot. I even wore a belt. Okay. I realize that means absolutely nothing to anyone else but me, but that’s huge! Huge, I tell you. I’m going to begin the hardcore research this week on the fitness program I found to see if it’s the right one for me. If I’m not already at my milestone goal, then I’m ounces away and what does it matter now? I’m there. Time to get serious about getting back to the real thing.

Oh. And here’s the image goal. Granted, I won’t be identical. I’m not trying for that. But just so it’s clear that I’m not aiming for the Fabio look (did I just give my age away again?) and really am aiming for something reasonable (yet still hot), I offer the inspiration for my goal. And, PS: Yes, this is a real guy. No, I’ve never met him but he’s twelve years older than me. If he can look that way only working out three times a week, I can too.

Anyway … today seems quiet. It’s not manic finally. Not to say that it can’t turn that way. But, for now, I’m just in a kind of emotional stasis that feels awkward[3]. I know what I want in life. I know what I want in a relationship. I know what I’m willing to do for both. I know what I’m worth and that’s not something for just anyone. Despite my anger, pain, and insecurity, I’m not going to back down from the fact that I love a woman so much as to go through hell for her[4]. That may die in time, but I’m not counting on it.

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1. ”That’s when I realized I’m part of the problem. Not because I remind you. But because I couldn’t join you. So I left you alone. Don’t give up, okay?”
   —What Dreams May Come 1998 [↩]
2. Of course, this won’t happen because it’s not my style, but it’s the thought that counts, right? No need to put any action behind it when the stray thought is good enough for most people. [↩]
3. ”I feel like a little worm on a big fuckin’ hook.”
   —The Crow 1984 [↩]
4. ”I forgive you.”
   “For killing my children and my sweet husband?”
   “For being so wonderful a guy would choose hell over heaven just to be around you.
   —What Dreams May Come 1998 [↩]

Thank Any God It’s Friday!

Fridays are the last day of the work week. Generally people seem to be thrilled to get out of work, go hit it at a bar, and tap the nearest chick (or dude) that’s willing to put out for little more than a temporary spasm that’s deemed more important than sincerity. I listen daily to the supposed exploits of the guys in the row behind me—some of them even married—and it seems so very empty to pursue such a lifestyle. I understand, to a small degree, the mating rituals of the desperate and lonely. The constant drive to be out and about, to have a different sexual partner each weekend (or even the same one but without the “inconvenience,” so-called, of a commitment), and to either feel like a conquest has been made or some physical fantasy fulfilled. I find it desperate, needy, insecure, totally unromantic, and completely unappealing at all. I’ve reached a point in my own life that not only will I not participate in such rituals but I refuse to be drawn into the life of anyone who finds such activities appealing. (This isn’t a rant against sex or even against sexual fantasies within a relationship, but the method of procuring relationships—or avoiding them—at such pathetic lengths. And I probably shouldn’t have ranted in the first place.)

I, on the other hand, find Fridays to be the beginning of an opportunity for adventure. What kind of “trouble” can we find that will open doors of excitement and fun? But Fridays are also a day to look back at the week and reflect on lessons learned, blessings found, progress in life made, and opportunities taken and missed.

Lessons Learned

I have learned to use the word ‘impossible’ with the greatest caution.
—Wernher von Braun

My mouth (fingers?) is my biggest enemy. Combine a lack of emotional coping skills with the literary output of the L. Ron Hubbard estate and you get a recipe for confusion, contradiction, and catastrophe.

Not everyone is out to “get something” for themselves even when they can admit to being selfish about their motives. It’s a paradox that I find oddly comforting right now.

My dog is developing a bully complex while my son is developing a victim mentality.

Biology suxors hard.

If you leave your doors open at night when it is 40° or less outside, you can expect that both your son and your dog will hate you in the morning no matter how much it will save you money on the electric bill. Domestic disharmony with a Labrador Retriever and a 10 year old is not worth the cost savings.

Blessings Found

Sometimes a single sentence can turn a heartbreak into hope. This could go under Lessons Learned too, but this is definitely something that needs to be practiced more. It could change the world.

I have—believe it or not—a network of actual friends. I’ve often considered myself to be a horrible friend because I don’t get out, don’t party, don’t run around on my mate to spark other people’s lives, don’t focus on much more than my family and its needs, don’t sit on the phone for hours every night talking about the weather or other gossip, and don’t generally go out of my way to make others feel good about themselves. I just have more practical things to do in daily life than all that—even if I am more than willing to be there for someone if they light up a flare in my direction that sends ‘help’ through smoke signals. But I have discovered over the last month (and then some) that my friends actually love me for me regardless of my perceptions of myself or the reality of my lack of involvement in their daily lives.

While my constructed family continues to make life difficult in every way possible, my natural family has continued to live up to the understanding that I’ve been developing in myself of late. I am blessed by a father who does not judge, has not taken sides at all, continues to be concerned about the tiniest details no matter where he hears them from, and desires the best for his family as a whole even if they “married into it.”

For the most part I spend so much time in my head, in my studies, in my pursuit of happiness for Jinx and myself, that I forget that I actually have a babysitter on tap. I was reminded this morning when her mother informed me that she had inquired about sitting for me and how that might work out. I’ve just had no time, no opportunity, no desire, and no company to plan such an occasion around. Not that I’m complaining. It’s something that I find myself not needing, but comforting that it is available as an option. Given that Jinx has asked me if I would “make up” an excuse for him to have a sitter some evening, I might just have to do that once I have a little extra cash sitting around. This week, however, is not going to be such a time. We’re still hurting for funds even though the major disaster was avoided. But I thought that it was such an amazing thing that it came back around as it did.

I seem to have made a new pen pal. I’m not being dismissive or ungrateful here at all, really; the distraction is nice from the routine. It’s little more than the ability to chat with someone new—given they are married and (A) don’t seem to be looking to get out of it and (B) I’m not interested in perpetrating the same thing that has been done to me—but it is a world of difference to just be able to not have any expectations, desires, underlying motivations, or complications in a conversation. It’s nice and open and rewarding. That’s all.

Progress Made

I continue to have good health. I’m losing weight on schedule and I am sitting at a hair’s breath away from starting a new program to continue this trend even further. To date I have lost a total of 24 pounds since late August. I am a mere 2 pounds (as of last Friday) from my first milestone and 15 pounds, after that, from my second milestone. From there it could go either way depending on the routine I end up with. I’m not concerned with the number on the scale as I am with the body mass index at the end of the day.

I am back on track for school. I’m having difficulties with Biology at the moment and I’m struggling, but I am making it nonetheless. I will accomplish my goals.

I’m not doing so hot on the finance level but I’m learning a lot. I think November will be better in the sense of getting more focus. October was more of a fly by the seat of the pants kind of financial planning. December will be rough, but I think January will bring much more stability. The lists are definitely helping in this department too.

But, hey!, it’s Friday and that means it is just that much closer to taking Zoe to the dog park, starting a new adventure with this church, and exploring other cheap/free outlets for an excuse to act like a kid. I’m trying to keep my mind off the activities of other people since it just drives more stakes into any possible progress in my own life and I want to have fun with people rather than get caught up in their pathetic drama and lack of self-control. I’ve found that by being more conscious of my own actions and my own activities, I have increased my enjoyment of life rather than sink into boredom.

As I’m teaching my son finally: only the boring are bored.

Oh. Look. It’s Hump Day already! The week is half over and I’ve accomplished so very little already this week.

I spent most of last night (and it continues off and on this morning in waves) in a massive panic attack even when the Xanex wasn’t helping. It was self-inflicted in some ways when I came to a sudden realization of a particular fact. It was very difficult to handle and I panicked instead of rationally thinking it through. As is becoming a standard response (that I’m not quite used to and still makes me quite agitated—to be polite about it), the one person that I really wanted to talk to abandoned me yet again. There is this level of frustration that I have with all this. I know. I know. I’m the one “doing it to myself.” But when you have someone that would rather sit on the fencepost and call it foreplay rather than actually go one way or the other over the fence, what happens is a conflicted and mixed bag of signals that is produced. If one was to read one set of emails, one would think that this whole process could have our family back together—though still in therapy, I can assure you—within the next 8-12 months[1]. Other emails would have one believe that this whole thing is merely a “favor” and there are no goals in place that are mutually agreed upon. I just don’t see the point of any of this if the latter is the “truth” of the matter here.

For the record: I’m tired of this shit and want my family back. The stupid people games that are being foisted on me here are so unnecessary, destructive, immature and juvenile, and way beyond any reasonable human patience[2]. If it wasn’t for my deep feelings that aren’t going away just because I needed some rope in my life, this wouldn’t even be an issue.

So my panic attack went on until about 3:45am. I paced my living room, tried to sit at my computer and read or write or stare at naughty pictures. Nothing was even interesting in the least. I was literally listening to a fist fight going on in my head over whether or not I was just a basic idiot in love or a major idiot who wasn’t taking the most obvious clues and actually doing something about it that would make me feel better by destroying about four or five different people’s lives[3].

In the end, the basic idiot voice won and I’m right back where I started. (A) I love her. (B) I’m still mad as hell over some behaviors and actions and attitudes. (C) I want to work this out, first, for her and me, and, second, for our family including Jinx and Lori (and Ian too in the really big picture). (D) I’m probably just being massively used here and strung along for little more than her cruel thrills that I just don’t understand. (E) I love her and that’s really all that matters to me in the end.

School

I guess I’ll get this back out in the open now, but I had intended on dropping out of school just a couple weeks back. I never got around to it, so I’m pleased to say that my grades are not horrible, I’m passing all my classes, and I seem to have fucked up over the weekend and turned in nearly all of this week’s homework over the weekend thinking that it was last week’s homework. Given that I’d already one last week’s homework, I thought it was just the stuff that I’d been too busy to finish and I turned it all in at the last minute. So this week is quite light and open (though I am doing some of next week’s homework this week now). But even so, I’m massively distracted and finding it difficult to focus. Before when this happened, I had someone there that could take me away for a bit, distract me (milkshakes, book buying, whatever), and then set me back on my course with a renewed focus. That’s gone. And that person just has absolutely no clue how much they brought to my life and yet can claim such lies about what our relationship was not when there were so many things that it was on a daily basis that we both took for granted.

Money

Money is going to be quite tight over the next two weeks. Since I have picked up all of our former two-paycheck debts and bills with my single paycheck, I’ve found that I am budgeting things quite well, thankyouveryfuckingmuch. However, given that my paycheck is not forgiving when I have to take time off—like last Friday to take Jinx to the doctor—then it is going to hurt. Also given that my rent was due on Saturday and even though I made arrangements (or so I thought) because of our special circumstances, I got the “late notice” today and my late fees are going to inhibit me from paying several bills that just cannot wait. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do yet with those. But it would also appear that we may be out our weekly food provisions on certain things because there just won’t be the money there for it.

Now, that said: I don’t know this for sure. I’m still feeling a bit panicky in the head (and quite tired) this morning, so it might just be my paranoia kicking in. I’ll have to just wait and see. I had already adjusted my paycheck to cover everything I could think of. Since the “loan” that I’m now paying “alone” (hahaha! I love alliterations!) is reducing in leaps and bounds now, hopefully that will be gone soon and that money will go back toward the family rather than company parties, gambling trips, and coffee time with family.

But, in any case, I can’t even get the out of date registration on my car done and if I get a ticket then it’ll cost me five times the amount it would if I could just get it done. But with everything that I was dumped with and not a single ounce of responsibility being taken for anything (without being prompted, that is, and I’m not a babysitter—or conscience—for a grown adult), I don’t have any extra money. I don’t even have money in sight for Christmas for Jinx[4]. And, I’m sure, that if she does actually come up with a counselor (which it looks like that is going to be yet another promise she doesn’t keep) that I’ll be expected to cough up something for it while she makes an enormous amount of money more than I do and has less bills going out now (and is a female so her “others” can pay for her to “go to company parties” or whatever they’re calling it now) and has absolutely no responsibility to anyone at all.

Bitterness

I’m having a bitter day, ya think? I even hate my job today. But not because my job sucks, but just because I can. (Isn’t that the stupidest excuse ever heard for anything?) I think this is just one of those days where I hate everything about life itself. And I can probably just blame that on lack of sleep, abandonment yet again by my “best friend,” lack of food, too much coffee, and a general apathy that continues to settle in making life very difficult to get excited about right now. I am capable of setting very realistic and reasonable goals, but I can’t get someone else—who they require in order to function—to actually get her tongue to work in my direction. Seems to work just fine for anyone else but me and that’s very frustrating to me. None of this is difficult or hard or out of the bounds of reasonable. It’s just, apparently, “complicated” by her lack of desire to tell the truth to anyone else or put an end to her activities to focus on what is important. Rather than work toward peace and harmony and resolution, she just keeps working to intentionally make me even more angry about this whole mess. I don’t really understand that logic. It’s not rocket science. It’s a conversation about tea that keeps being responded to with comments about milk. Totally infuriating.

But alas, it is Anti-Hump Day for me. This week has built up steam to today, and it’s all downhill from here. Right? I have enough tension and stress to kill anyone else in my shoes[5]. But I have no place, no one, no thing at all through which to facilitate release of that tension. I have more homework. And quite frankly the only thing I really want to do is lay in bed with someone, have the knots rubbed out of my back (maybe probably even reciprocate), and cuddle over several good movies with delivered Chinese food. And should anything more come of it, fine. If not, fine. Whatever. But that won’t happen either. I guess I just have standards at the moment that I’ve always had and I’m disappointed to see how low some people go when they have dumped me in their shitpile all because their favorite ball-gag or a piece of rope was more important than commitment and love. Bitter. Yes. And the continued antagonism of my standards and goals and commitment is making it worse rather than pushing me away. The tension levels[6] really are about to break me.

So much for Hump Day. I can’t even get my leg humped by a dog.

innervox

1. And that’s being very, very overly generous since most reasonable couple’s therapy takes 6 months or less to get a couple back on the same page. But we both do have leases in different apartment complexes—which should have been a clue, I guess, that she was never serious about anything she said to me. But I’m the idiot in love, remember? [↩]
2. There’s already circumstantial (i.e., implied, loose, unconfirmed, etc, etc) evidence that she’s already, literally, moved on to a new (previous?) relationship that is taking priority and won’t let her actually work out her family because … well … she’s already moved on to someone else. But there’s nothing firm and I’m too focused on her and me working things out that I just don’t care about them. That hellstorm is coming with or without our reconciliation and I feel no pity for them. [↩]
3. And, no, for the record, she is not one of those people—I am, above all things, a man of my word: aside the fact that I have already proclaimed publicly and will continue to proclaim publicly this irrational but sincere and foolhardy love for this woman beyond all reasonable expectations in return. [↩]
4. Though I think we may be going out of town for that holiday anyway so it may be a moot issue if so. [↩]
5. And as things are going so far mentally and emotionally, I’ll probably not be long here anyway but no-one will care and the only person I want to notice just won’t anyway. It’s such a helpless, lonely, and totally dehumanizing feeling like this. [↩]
6. …and the huge emotional ADHD/bipolar swings brought on by what appears to be intentional attempts to push me from one extreme to the other just to watch me bounce off walls. [↩]

I am on the fence on this issue. I think it can be good to make sure your baby is going to be healthy, but should people be able to choose the sex of their baby and choose to abort if they are not happy with the sex or other health issues? I don’t think so. I think some of this genetic engineering is just a little too much like playing God. I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason and if God wants you to have a child with autism, ADHD, or some other health issue why should we have the power to override God’s wishes? I am all for science and new advances in medicine, but I just can’t imagine wanting to engineer my child.

Most who make claims of this sort don’t have children with challenges (or, as in most cases I’ve run across, don’t have children at all).

Would I trade in my child for another? Absolutely not! Let’s be clear about that up-front. The challenges we face daily are phenomenal, but it’s what we have. I know many parents who are actually bitter that their own child “turned out” with some kind of disorder no matter how minor. And ADHD is at the bottom of the disorder totem pole. Having grown up with the same challenges (and then some on top of it and having my parents blame “demons” or “spiritual warfare” rather than chemical imbalance or misfiring neurons), I have much more sympathy, understanding, patience, and willingness to action than some I have run across.

If I could have predicted that my child would have developmental issues, ADHD (which, actually, I did predict based on what I know of myself and my family genetic history), dyslexia, and other social issues, would I have opted to have manipulation of any kind that could have removed those from his genetic makeup? You bet! And there would have been no second thought to it. To provide my child with every advantage that I never had, that would not inhibit his ability to learn faster, more, and without struggle would be a gift that my genes couldn’t provide so I would be more than willing to provide them through some other avenue.

I’d rather be out riding horses or racing through museums or playing games than sitting every weekday night and every weekend morning watching my 10-year old struggle in frustration as he tries to read First Grade material or try to put a sentence together on paper without prompting or fight losing his focus on a single task at hand from moment to moment. There are so many other things in life we could be doing and enjoying together than basic survival skills. But if he can’t read, he can’t attend Biology 1408. If he can’t attend Biology 1408, then he can’t find out about genetic manipulation, see if there is something available to help his own child avoid the very things that I wish I could have helped him avoid, and then do something about it.

Is this playing god? Who cares. If this is what a god provides to humans, then I’d rather side with humans and their flawed but ever evolving science. Those same humans have given my son and me more progress in our challenges than an ounce of misguided belief.

Is it being a responsible and loving parent? I’d like to think that offering your child every advantage and every opportunity and every means of survival right out of the gate is exactly what that means.

Responding to Goldi Maller

There is a point that one reaches can reach when you just have to let things go. I don’t mean some non-attachment clause. I mean, let it go. (And the first person to start singing country here—and you know what I mean—is going to get a can of whup-ass opened.)

I dropped my Anthropology class. I needed to. The format was unwieldy and the worst I’ve ever seen. The professor was unresponsive. The information was quite good and I look forward to another attempt with a different professor. But it was causing too much stress to continue. My education is about making life better and more enjoyable, not more stressful. I wanted to get this career path going because I felt it would be less stressful (in the end) than the one I have now.

Dropping it made a huge difference in my daily outlook. In less than 24 hours, the dark cloud of that class is just gone.

Without putting too fine a point on it, I came to the understanding that my personal situation wasn’t going to be improving in the areas I wanted anytime soon—if ever. I’ve been heading down a one-way street, alone, in a car that isn’t mine. So, last night, I got out of the car and walked to a completely different street to merely stroll down the sidewalk for a while. If someone decides to join me—and I doubt that’s ever going to happen—great. If not, then that’s the way it goes. But there are some things that I can no longer just “get over” or “get past” and it’s been weighing on my mind a great deal. And I certainly cannot even move in that direction myself without seeing objective evidence and results of my efforts or any kind of solid understanding of the wrongs done and the depth of harm that was perpetrated on me and Jinx and our family unit as a whole. So far it’s been all denials and status quo and no real movement toward change and reconciliation. That’s unacceptable to me and a point of contentious stress. No more. I’m done.

Letting all that go has helped tremendously already and I slept last night for the first time without nightmares in two months.

I haven’t worked out my budget yet for the next month or so, but I’m still hoping to get the new bookshelves next weekend. I’d like to get out of all these boxes. Quite frankly, as insignificant as it seems, looking around and seeing so many things still in boxes is unnerving. I know it sounds simple and ridiculous, but it is this lack of stable feeling to see so many things that are precious to me just sitting on the floor in boxes. Given that Jinx and my books are really all I have left with which to build a home, it is just this unfinished feeling. (And there is still the holidays coming up. I’m thinking of going back to the natural calendar—as our primary yearly cycle overall—and then just doing something small on the traditional dates just so that there is some continuity there. I haven’t decided fully yet on the matter.)

My throat is worse today. Something’s coming and I doubt it’s going to be fun. Perfect timing. (That was sarcasm.)

All in all, life is going to get better. It’s going to take a couple extra years to get out of this career and into a new one, but I’ll be happier in the end. I’m not particularly great at being alone, but I’m managing so far just fine too. While some people, apparently, need something different every weekend, I’m okay not going out. If that’s the price of being able to find peace and raise my son, then so be it. I’m not fond of so much “outdoor” time, but that’s the breaks with a child and a single parent life. His needs have to come first right now. I got it. And that’s okay too. I’m tremendously lucky to have the child I do. He keeps life interesting, humorous, and challenging. I wouldn’t wish for anything else—except maybe a couple of flat-screen monitors, some bookshelves, and a living room suite. Heh.

Cultural Studies is officially over. (I did go ahead and drop Anthropology this morning.) This has been an ultimately fascinating class. I can say that it affected the way I view various aspects of culture, the way I read fiction (believe it or not!), and even made me think about how I raise my son.

I find that every semester there is at least one professor who clicks with me. This was the class this time around. Examples of comments this semester:

¶ Interesting, thoughtful and even profound in your observations; especially the last paragraph! Thanks for another great paper, Bishop. Peace, Lee

¶ I so appreciate your thinking processes, Bishop, thanks. The distinction you made between tradition and worldview and your use of the rope metaphor are fascinating to me. … Thanks, peace, Lee

¶ Thanks for your insights and passion! It is always a pleasure to read your posts and papers. You bring a great deal of experience, wisdom and a unique point of view, which is refreshing! Much peace, Lee

And for my final paper of the class, she wrote:

¶ Hi Bishop, Thanks for this paper and for your attention to the class and the discussions; you have contributed so very much. It has been a pleasure for me to read your comments and papers; you are a writer and an excellent thinker, indeed! … Your commitment to raising your son to be an open and kind human being is admirable. I wish you the very best in your journey and much love and peace, Lee

School has been such a passion for me this time around. I felt like I found my calling in life. Again. It wasn’t a pipe dream or a fantasy this time. It was real. It was tangible. And despite a couple of bumps along the way (Speech, Anthropology, Math), I have succeeded quite well in pursuing these dreams for my family and for me. It doesn’t appear that I will graduate on my original plan schedule, and that means a longer time out there for graduating later on since I’ll have to reduce loads from here on out, but I’ll still make it eventually. It’ll probably take a couple years longer than needed. I think it will still be worth it even if I will be too old to do anything with it by then. I have a good job. No real reason to do much else. But, it’s definitely fun and definitely worth the time.

(In other news, I have a sore throat and a node/lump that is starting to ache a slight bit. I wonder if this is really throat or if it’s my ears. One feels a bit off right now.)

[Your child's acceptance of others] really shows that they are intelligent and I am sure they will continue to grow. Your family seems to all be pretty accepting of others.

Thank you.

Part of it is my approach to individuals. I’m not very tolerant of groups as a whole, but individuals have so much more potential. My youngest is quite clear in his head about referencing people by characteristics that he’s figured out on his own. I find myself having to catch my thoughts before slipping into “Is that your black teacher [or Asian teacher or white teacher or ...]” rather than actually listening to his own quantifications. It is so easy to just slip people into categories even when you mean no harm by it. But that merely reinforces those categories rather than having each individual stand or fall on their own merits. I want him to focus on the pragmatics of each individual: my general ed teacher, my librarian, my extended learner teacher, my principal, etc. It’s not that what we do defines us, per se, but the value that each individual brings to our lives should be based on mutual input and growth rather than superficial and incidental quantifications such as race, age, gender, whatever …

Responding to Corina Hobson

["Talking to the Dead"] has to be one of my [favorite stories] of the entire class. The culture clash of the old and the new, the appeal of the fad but the draw of the tradition. I’ve often said in my life that when they start putting in neural jacks I want to be at the front of the line. But I’ve always had a comfortable draw to the old. I want my transporter (Beam me up, Scotty!) right next to my first edition Shelley. I want my food replicator right next to my little spice garden. I want to travel to the next galaxy for the morning and be back in time for afternoon yoga. My parents generation almost made it. My generation screwed it up when we abandoned the space program for MDMA and “goth.” The next generation stands at the gulf that separates the past from the future in a very real way. It can be something that moves forward without any kind of attachment or it can be something that pursues the qualities and virtues of the past in a very different node of consciousness and opportunity.

Death is a natural change of state. Like Yuri, humanity walks up to the door of change and passes out cold time after time again, generation after generation. But finally, at some point, it reaches that critical mass of being able to fulfill its destiny. And it pushes forward. The clash of the new with the old no longer standing in the way of principle and dedication. The new is almost always the fad of the day. The old—defined as tradition—is that which pushes forward, upward, onward not static and unchanging but in a higher octave or fuller presence with each iteration, hesitant to make radical change but confident enough to keep pushing ahead anyway. Eventually it takes its place as the protector of humanity, that into which we all eventually sink and find comfort in the rituals and ethos of our own, and it goes about pursuing its own destiny while leaving the fads to prematurely clink glasses and say solemn words at a party for what they perceive to be the passing of tradition never realizing that tradition has carried on without them and will continue on without them long after they are gone home to their 9-to-5 in a suit and tie.