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Small Satisfactions
Sunday, 04 January 2009 at 12:07 PM | Author: bishop

Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them (Mat 6.1 ESV).

I find that some things are almost better expressed as casting pearls before swine, but I tend to overlook many things that normal people do in life. It is unfortunate but some of the most creative people I know still don’t have more than a couple brain cells to rub together when it comes to deeper thinking, long term thinking, or even just alternative thinking. And most have control issues that run even deeper than their creativity. I’ve spent years working on such things in my own personal life in varying degrees of success and failure. (Am I really one of very few that actually admits to failures and then attempts to learn from them? Nah. Can’t be!)

One of my problems is a lack of patience and tolerance for stupidity. If I have to say something more than twice, then it lacks the ability to give back any kind of satisfaction for my efforts. If I have to say the same thing more than twice in completely different words and you still don’t get it, then I quit trying. This is a carry-over from something that a past relationship was trying to teach me: that is, you don’t need to be repetitive to make a point. If someone isn’t going to get it, they aren’t going to get it no matter how many times you repeat yourself or say things differently. So I’m learning that lesson and I’ve had to put that into practice a couple times over the holidays. I’m also learning to not press the point once someone has missed it. If they aren’t receptive, they aren’t receptive. No skin off my back.

However, I am still amused by the lengths some people will go to make themselves feel better and look great to other people in public. It’s this need and desire for outer respect that mirrors the utter lack of inner respect that is obvious upon observation. And it’s almost always those with not much else going on. I mean, of course, in the real world. Occultists/pagans are (in)famous for this. And, yes, I still have the t-shirt in my own closet for this one. I don’t think I’ve ever had a project that was successful that I spent so much time talking about my involvement or what it did for me personally. Granted, in hindsight I can look back and see those accomplishments and admit (as opposed to trumpet) how I was instrumental in that project’s existence and success. But that’s not why I do/did such things. (And that’s a whole post in itself!)

In any case, I like what Gerald said recently about tribalism in the coming years. My paraphrase: start hooking up with people of talents and skills for survival—but things like astrology, tarot cards, and massage therapists aren’t the kind of talents that are worth a damn. Amen! I’ll add in there web designers and technical support (which then covers my bases and makes me obsolete already)—and then there is one of the major reasons I am back in school, changing my disciplines, and working toward more productive skills rather than maintaining my uber-geekoccultist lifestyle and mentality. It’s tough. I’d rather sit back and look like an armchair magician and philosopher than get out and actually do something that might impact my future, my child’s future, and the future of others around me.

Anyway, I’m not a glory hound. I don’t need it. I leave that for the amateurs. LOL!

Category: Esoterica, Goals, Life  | Tags: ,  | Leave a Comment
Miracles Medium Rare
Saturday, 03 January 2009 at 12:46 PM | Author: bishop

But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head (Psa 3.3 ESV)

Nu is your refuge as Hadit your light; and I am the strength, force, vigour, of your arms (AL 3.17)

I realize that I said that I would have everything taken care of by last night. I was right about the anticipated outcome of promises made that would never be kept. Why should they? Never have in the past. No reason to believe they will mysteriously start being kept now. It’s the whole ‘dog pissing on a fencepost’ principle.

But as of now, all my bills are paid, Jinx’s daycare is resolved, and I still have $93 to my name until I get paid again.

Granted, other things haven’t worked out so well, but those are personal, not life-affecting in any way, and generally things I can blow off as part and parcel of being single again.

And in the trivia but true department: $1577 in books for 2008. Wow.

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Daily Readings
Friday, 02 January 2009 at 8:55 AM | Author: bishop

One of my goals for 2009 is to read through the bible in a year. I utilize a website called YouVersion mainly due to the various translations available to me and the ease of the site layout. But I got an email ad type thing about their One Year Bible reading plan. What the hell, right? Couple chapters a day. Whole bible in a year. I haven’t done that in a while and it certainly can’t hurt.

I know that I tried to work out a similar arrangement with the Holy Books of Thelema once before in the past. I didn’t finish it due to the complexity that I tried to make it[1] and the general lack of interest from anyone else who might actually read these texts regularly[2].

I forgot to read yesterday so I made up for two days this morning. I can see that I’m going to have some posts on these throughout the year[3]. I would like to eventually play “Connect the Dots” here and I think that there is a great deal of meat to be found. I’m always dismayed by those who either show far too much reliance on the biblical connections in our texts and those who dismiss them entirely. I prefer to think that it is an insecurity of spirituality in the former and an impoverishment of our own foundations in the latter. I am unapologetically a Thelemite. I’m far from a good Thelemite—whatever that is supposed to really mean—but I find that I am capable of walking my talk far more than I fail in producing fruit that is edible.

But I do sometimes wonder what exactly the fruit is that we are “supposed to be” producing. I realize that’s a loaded statement for some; but it is a valid though, I think, when it comes to understanding the transformative nature of the Law of Thelema on a very real and personal level. In fact, I think, it is a valid question to ask: what are the fruits of the spirit, of the mind, of life itself from a sustainable and substantiated thelemic perspective? It’s a question I will continue to ask.

innervox

  1. I fully admit to a problem of over-complicating things. [↩]
  2. I’m still convinced that—much like Christians—the lack of passion and progress within thelemic communities is directly proportional to the lack of depth in understanding and grounding in our only holy books. I’m not suggesting that anyone take them as the literal word of god anymore than one would the bible. I am suggesting that any scripture within a community is a type of glue and foundation that binds that community together. [↩]
  3. I’m already seeing connections and correlations between the bible and our own texts in merely the first chapters of Genesis, Psalms, and Matthew. [↩]
Category: Goals, Religion, Thelema  | Tags: ,  | Leave a Comment
Fuck Money Fucks
Thursday, 01 January 2009 at 11:34 PM | Author: bishop

Money fucks people over. Bad. All I know for sure is that those who have it today will not have it tomorrow.

But fuck money. Sometimes there are just times when it’s not there to do anything at all.

I don’t care. The universe provides when the need is there. I will find a way to pay everything somehow by the end of tomorrow—and still put gas in my car.

But fuck money.

My home is spotless. Again. Even though I cleaned all this week in preparation for New Year’s Eve, I cleaned again today to have that whole symbolic spotless home/spotless mind type thing. With the exception of the clothes on our bodies, every stitch of fabric in this house has been washed. Again. It’s tough to keep things dust free with a 10 year old and a dog, but I generally do okay there too. I already see another layer forming, but it was, at one point today, clean across the board.

A friend wrote me tonight to ask about NYE and I commented that 2009 was a year full of possibilities. She wrote back that it would be a “year of positive change.” I had to laugh and agree in that child-like kind of way.

I’m sorry that some people are just so irresponsible and selfish that nothing matters outside their own narrow primal urges. Fortunately, we work on a different standard around here. It comes down to a very simple premise found in this example: for three weeks I walked around with quarters in my pockets so that every time Jinx saw one of the Salvation Army bell ringers in front of a store he would have something to give them. It was something he wanted to do and based on the utter temper tantrum he threw when the first one appeared at Wal-mart and I was “just not with it, Dad” and prepared to ensure that he could give to others this season. He equates this to the “Guest at our Table” project that is still ongoing for us. It’s giving to people who are less fortunate than ourselves. So what if I can’t pay my cable bill (or even rent) immediately[1] when there are people starving and our pocket change can actually make some kind of difference. That’s what is important to my son. I’m quite proud of that, actually.

One of the things that I picked up off the Freecycle network was a Franklin Covey planner. The calendar pages are for like 2000 or 2001, but that’s easily fixed once I have some extra cash laying around. But more so, it is the planning pages themselves that I find interesting. I’m working through them now. It runs through a values clarification to identifying and defining roles to evaluating one’s life and principles to designing and writing a “mission statement” that is personal in nature. It’s quite awesome really. I’m going to write these out over the weekend as we traipse to south Texas and back[2]. 2009 needs to be the year of positive change in more ways than merely a financial upswing. Huge changes and huge decisions have to be made.

Speaking of such: I had dinner with my dad and oldest son last night. They called out of the blue and wanted to do something. So I agreed. In conversation, as I have with others, I continue to maintain that I’m not taking any time off between Phases of the Evul Master Plan. I will be enrolled in a four year institution somewhere, somehow, next fall even if it is yet again just online courses. My dad mentioned something about student loans and then hinted around helping me pay for school again. He did this before too, but my grants already pay 100% and I don’t need the financial help for school. I need it other areas, but just not school. Yet. And I think that’s why I keep not tapping him for help with my personal situation. I would prefer to have my education funded than my cable bill. But I need to start working on the decision of where I will be next fall. And then how I’m going to manage to get there. If it’s online courses, that’s great. I don’t really want to stay in Texas anymore but I could live with taking at least a semester or two of online courses and just staying here for the time being. I would like to be elsewhere (just about anywhere else for that matter) by summer 2011 at the latest.

All in all? Life really is good. I’m just pissed off about money.

Fuck money.

innervox

  1. All because I have to pay someone else’s loan: bah! [↩]
  2. Or I think we are … that’s suddenly been thrown up in the air … we’ll be doing something even if taking the train ends up being put on back burner for a bit longer. Angelus is acting all mysterious suddenly about plans so I’m not exactly sure where we’ll end up. It may be a surprise! LOL! [↩]
Category: Family, Goals, Home, Life, School  | Tags: , ,  | Leave a Comment
End of a Lie. Start of a Life.
Wednesday, 31 December 2008 at 9:39 AM | Author: bishop

It’s Hump Day again! If you’re getting laid tonight, raise your hand!

Right.

Never mind. That’s way too much information even for my blog.

But tonight’s the night, right? We get to watch the old pass away and the new come into being? Funny how we memorialize this one day a year for such observation and yet this is something than happens every single moment—if we can but see them as such.

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I realized quite some time ago that they were worthless. They never get done and are really only good for making one think they are doing something productive. I started a habit of making a To Do List. But even then it turned out to be more of a Wish List than anything productive. I got many things done off that list the last two years, but it was still very unfulfilling. Granted, I now know why on a interpersonal level but even that can’t be used an excuse all the time.

This year there is no spoon list. Jinx and I aren’t just turning over a new leaf. We’re turning over a whole new forest. By the time this new year is over, life will be very, very different and I doubt that many of the superficial things that exist now will continue to exist for very long. But having no list doesn’t mean there are no goals.

I need to socialize my child. And this means on an adult level as well. He needs to learn how to properly behave around adults in a mix. He needs to learn how to converse with adults from his own young perspective. But this also means that some of the dependencies that are a natural result of my early parent-child bonding experiment need to be redirected in a healthy manner. And I’m going to tap some friends to help me with this. Part of realizing that my child has needs is recognizing that I have limitations, I’m not superman, and I can’t do it all alone. Both friends with kids and those without kids are potentially amazing role models and teachers for a child who needs to learn how to interact on a more mature level. I’m going to figure out how to ask for that help of my friends without the guilt of feeling like I’m imposing on them. As I found in the last part of 2008, friends seem to not be as put out with you as you imagine them to be if you’re just straight-forward and honest about your boundaries, goals, needs, and desires. It’s amazing not merely what a personal honesty but an open honesty can do for relationships.

I need to socialize myself. Raising a child is no excuse to sit at home doing nothing. Granted, Angelus seems to be changing that rapidly, but there is also the sense of having to “get over the guilt” of just grabbing a sitter and going out for a couple hours. It’s complicated to explain (and so I won’t here with any depth) but I’m uncomfortable with the idea of “dumping” my child somewhere with someone and walking away to “have a good time” or whatever. Even though I’m his father, I feel like that I’ve been playing babysitter for someone else who would rather fuck around in life than have a focus on family and child. I don’t want to be like that, but yet recognize that decompression time is necessary and healthy for us both. I’ve found a kid “lock-in” here in Lewisville that is four hours of games and playtime for kids every Saturday night. That’s plenty of time to grab dinner and/or a movie and some alone time, and it’s incredibly affordable (cheaper than a sitter for the same amount of time).

I need to get my home in order. This means on every level. Financially, I’m sure, things are probably not as bad as I think they are. I have to be more assertive in some areas that I’m not used to dealing with, but I have some good friends around who are able and willing to help out in those areas to ensure that I’m learning what I need to learn to improve my money management skills. Unlike some who have money to burn for lack of responsibility, every penny counts here. And it’s not like we’re hurting. It’s not that. It’s just that I’m not always the wisest spender in the world. I’d rather be having fun than paying bills. And I have to get a grip on how to have a good equilibrium in that area. But there are other aspects of my home that needs to be adjusted. And that will happen slowly over time as the needs and the resources to fulfill those needs become apparent.

I need to focus on adjusting my worldview to an even more appropriate and fulfilling perspective. I mentioned to a friend last night that I am, literally, starting out 2009 by serving someone. Not in any slave or submissive position that I’m moving into (which was the obvious first connections we both made in our heads and I guess is logical to think under the circumstances—but, sorry, just not that kind of a guy), but along the lines of a perspective to which Jez introduced me that rejects the “I need to fix or be fixed” and “I need to help or be helped” mentality and promotes the worldview that goes along with “I desire to serve and be served.” I’ve been in service throughout my entire working life. From being a waiter at TGIFriday’s to technical support in my current position, I have worked at serving others in some capacity. But I have never, that I can see, translated that into my own personal life with my relationships, friendships, and family. It’s about time that I learned how to do that effectively (and I am still learning) and then share that with my child. The sooner that he sees people are only broken in their perspectives and not broken as people he can promote healthy relationships and engagements with others that are not based on the illusion of piecemeal people but the whole of the Divine within each individual.

I need to focus on my Total Wellness Program. I’ve gotten off on a good start there. But I’d like to keep that dynamic and adjusting so that I can start thinking in those kinds of terms—equilibrium, health, service, tranquility, resolution—and continue on as such. I need to focus on releasing much of the bitterness that I have over the past. That’s over. That’s gone. That’s dead. I hope never to face that again, ever, and it’s just finally disappeared. But that’s difficult. A great deal of emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual investment went into that past. Love went into that past. And it’s hard to let it go. But, I guess, better late than never, right? One cannot live in the past but only press forward and live each moment in the future-now.

So today is the true Hump Day. It is the crossing from one year to the next and not merely the crossing of the beginning of the week to the ending of the week. And in this case it is the movement from the ending to the beginning all over again: the ouroboros effect, so to speak.

It’s an exciting time of marked and physical change. And the new year promises to bring all new challenges and adventures.

Happy New Year to everyone! May your new year bring you what you least expect and more.

Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Friends, Goals, Holidays, Life  | Tags: ,  | 2 Comments
In Five Years
Saturday, 27 December 2008 at 6:13 PM | Author: bishop

I got asked last night early this morning where I see myself in five years, what I would like to be doing, where I will be then.

I thought about it a moment and realized that my goals haven’t really changed all that much in the last five years. The manifestation of those goals has not been the same as I imagined, but the goals themselves are still in place and operational. Granted, I didn’t plan on the gambling alcoholic tramp detour through some of life’s more interesting challenges, but all in all they have served me well anyway. I still have many of the same aspirations and goals I had when I finally cleaned up, started working on flying straight, and was rebuilding my dreams from the ground up.

So, yes, some of these are the same as always, some have mutated slightly, and there are some new ones (I think).

In five years …

Fire GoalsI’d like to be in the middle of or finishing up my Masters program and already teaching or working as some form of education professional. I’d like to be already thinking about what my PhD field of study will be at that time. I’d like to have already begun to develop a cadre of students who are excited about exploring ideas, gathering in a room (preferably in my own home) full of books and ideas on paper, and bantering about the possible, the impossible, and everything in-between.

I’d just really like to be back in a position of enjoying what I do for a living: reading, writing, teaching. I’d like to finally get at least the outline for a book done too in the middle of all this.

Water GoalsI’d like to be settled down already with a long-term partner who actually understands me, supports my endeavors, explores life, the universe, and meaning with me, is faithful to me however we may choose to express that mutually and honestly, is passionate about their own pursuits, and who likes Sunday morning breakfasts whether in bed or not. And, above all, is committed to the guiding of a teenager with the broadest experience and deepest values of honor, courage, justice, and love. The body of a Greek deity is optional though certainly not rejected.

Wood GoalsI’d like to be back in a position of having my own home again. I’d like to be coming home to make dinner, study, write, make love, fret over a teenager’s dates, and be terrified that I really only have a year of peace left before he hits the streets in a car. I’d like to make my kitchen and my library to focal points of my home. I’d like to entertain in both separately or together. (Granted, this may require me winning the jackpot, but a man can dream …)

I’d like to be traveling at least twice a year out of the country. I’d like to eventually pick a PhD thesis that requires an extensive enough research demand that it will take a multicultural jaunt around the world to make it happen.

All in all, I think I have very simple dreams. I’m a simple person despite what others attempt to say or think. It just doesn’t really get all that complicated with me. I want to be surrounded by knowledge and intelligence and passion and creativity. Getting my hands dirty needs to be interpreted as a metaphor for hard work not as a need to change my oil or relationships every couple thousand miles. And I think I’m finally on the track for that success. It feels good. And it’s a great start to a great continuation of the future-now.

Category: Goals, Life  | Tags: , ,  | Leave a Comment
Changes
Tuesday, 23 December 2008 at 10:12 AM | Author: bishop

Wood GoalsSomeone asked about my personal goals—I forget who now if it was [she who cannot be named due to the funky husband situation] or Angelus—but the drastic changes that I’ve made in the last several months in order to find some happiness in my life included losing quite a bit of weight. To date, I’ve lost a full total of 28 pounds since September, but I’ve gained 4 of those back due to a lack of self-control during these holiday weeks. We actually eat better now than before. Except last week. I have been seriously overwhelmed with exhaustion. I have no ability for a break—not that I’m complaining, mind you: I’m fine and wouldn’t have this any other way (well, maybe one other way but that’s fucked up now beyond repair or even peace apparently)—and my stress levels are at an all-time high. Okay. That’s not fair. My stress levels bounce a great deal. Just about the time I think I might be able to breathe, calm down, settle down my own angst, and move on quietly, I get shit on all over again, poked at, ripped apart, and it starts all over again.

I need help that I can’t afford. LOL! Seriously.

Anyway. All about me here.

I spent some time looking for pictures. Personally speaking, I just don’t see much change. Maybe that’s the pictures themselves, but I know what people say. And I know what I see in the mirror. And there is dramatic change here that is seen mostly in the face (but does translate elsewhere too: promise!). I’m not exactly proud of these pictures, but I’m only doing this to show the change—assuming others can see it too. And, no, these aren’t glamour shots so, they are what they are. Deal with it. Over and above the body image thing—which is, admittedly, more important to me than it probably should be—my health has dramatically improved with the weight loss. Stress hasn’t helped any, but losing that much weight has been a tremendous help.

So here are the pics. I did small thumbnails on purpose. Just click to enlarge if interested.

June 08

June 08
August 2008

August 08
September 2008

September 08
October 08

October 08
November 2008

November 08
December 08

December 08
Category: Family, Goals, Health, Holidays  | Tags: , ,  | Leave a Comment
Movement or Mental Masturbation
Friday, 19 December 2008 at 9:51 AM | Author: bishop

Thank Any God It’s Friday!

I cannot explain how grateful I am that it’s Friday.

So I won’t.

Starting today and through the end of the year, it is non-stop activity. We won’t have time to stop for anything or anyone. And what I thought was a major pausing moment turned out, I guess, to be little more than a purposeful attempt at even more deception and distraction from the goals at hand.

[Interlude II moved to a private post. Just not a wise decision on my part. I am, after all, still learning how to fucking shut my mouth.]

2008 and Closing

Tonight we’re caravanning from our church to the other church for the Winter SolstiCelebration. Jinx is really excited about going—even if he did wake up on the jackass side of the bed this morning—and we are meeting Gabe down there as well. This should prove to be fun if not the perfect way to actually kick off the holidays for us.

Jinx will be very busy next week. And then the week after that is going to be more about anticipation of the new year and the new changes and the new directions than anything else. I’m probably going to spend a great deal of time re-cataloguing my life, both externally and internally, so that I know what I have to work with, what I need to get for myself and my family, and what I need to get rid of in order to maintain a healthy equilibrium in my home. I’m seriously considering taking every TCG card I have and dumping them into the garbage can. Those things caused more disharmony between R/ED™ and me than just about anything else. I don’t regret what I learned. I do regret not listening to her when she warned me that I was headed down an empty road. But, there are some I’d like to keep for inspiration purposes[1].

I’m not compromising on school for anyone for any reason. In fact, I have this weird fantasy of being able to stretch out on a bed (a large one, yes), doing homework while just being with someone who is there reading or watching television or something. I want to bring myself out of merely an academic mode and use that time for maybe not so much verbal communication as much as emotional communication. This may not make sense to anyone but me. But I have also decided that I will be taking time off from studies to get out and play with myself … um, wait, I didn’t really mean it quite, uh, like that … have some decompression time away from school stuff.

Whoa! TAGIF is about lessons learned and blessings of the week.

Well, okay. What’s above is a little of both actually.

I’ve actually learned a lot about the way people perceive me this week. I’ve had a lot of, uh, ego stroking. Yeah, Go ahead. Go there. I’ll wait for you to catch up. Go on. Snicker a bit. Done? Good.

Four different people, for I’m sure four different reasons, said basically the same thing about me. One from experience, two from interactions, and a last from merely email conversations. It gave me chills. But it made me realize just how much I have to offer someone. And, dammit, I’m proud of that.

So here’s my parting wisdom of the day, my lesson I’m learning this week that I want to pass on:

Take chances.
Take control.
Take charge.

Life is what you make of it. Even if life has been the shittiest thing so far, only you can make the changes necessary to make it better. Ignoring it makes it worse. Running from it doesn’t mean it goes away. But change is the only constant in the universe.

I may not think that love makes the world go ’round, but I’m learning that it may not be all that bad of a place from which to start.

innervox

  1. Of course, I say that and yet have not once ever sat down as I had originally planned and “used them” for that purpose! Talk about personal delusions I’m still working on eliminating! There’s one right there! [↩]
Category: 5-TAGIF, Family, Friends, Goals, Holidays, Life, Love  | Tags: , ,  | Leave a Comment
Sweet
Thursday, 18 December 2008 at 11:48 AM | Author: bishop

Category: Family, Goals, Love  | Tags:  | Leave a Comment
Evul Master Plan: Phase 1 Update
Thursday, 11 December 2008 at 8:24 PM | Author: bishop

To date, and including all (non-institutional) credits pulled from previous work in my degrees, my overall total grade breakdown looks like this:

  • A - 10
  • B - 3
  • C - 4

I’m not flipped out that they pulled 3 of those 4 Cs from my previous work (the fourth being the Biology class I just finished), but it does keep me from having to repeat those classes. And, what this means is that over half my total grades are As and that, so far, all but one of my “institutional credits” are As as well.

There are a total of four classes left for Phase I of the Evul Master Plan. I would anticipate that at least two of the upcoming classes will be As also. Depending on the level of complexity for the third, that could run an A or a B. The final class I will have to take in Summer I and I would anticipate an A there too but at worst a B is possible there too. Then I’m done with this phase and I have no idea where to go from here. LOL!

But, so far, my goals of all As in non-math/science classes and at least a C in all math/science classes is working out just fine.

I am pleased.

Category: Goals, School  | Leave a Comment
Looking Forward. Maybe.
Wednesday, 10 December 2008 at 9:11 AM | Author: bishop

It’s Hump Day again! I’m still not getting any, but at least that whole “living alone and getting laid” seems to be just soo emotionally satisfying beyond belief. I can’t wait until that actually works for me too—if I can ever find the time to be that shallow.

Epiphanies out the ass yesterday!

Fucking cold as hell this morning. 29° but with a wind chill making it 16°. Shit!

Fire GoalsToday is my Biology final. I’m already not any good with tests, but this class makes me paranoid. I haven’t done very well and my personal trials haven’t made this my best semester either—even if three out of four classes are A grades. I’d just like to walk away from this thing with at least a C in it. I just don’t know that I’m going to even make that this time. Hopefully Astronomy will be more interesting.

Wood GoalsJinx and I have a busy couple of weeks coming up.

He’s been invited to spend the first of his holidays with some school buddies whose parents are all going to be rotating homes for several days and watching the kids so they can all play together without putting out the parents in other areas of life (like work!). He’s so excited already.

I have lunch with Jez on Saturday (assuming she’s feeling better by then).

I think I’m going to try and get Angelus to go to the Winter SolistiCelebration on the 19th with us. But I’ll have to see how things progress up to that point. If not, I guess we’ll just go it alone this year: family not being worth anything as it used to be.

We have a couple of tentative invitations for Xmas day—those “well, we’re not sure what we’re doing yet, but if we’re open we’ll probably invite you and Jinx over for Xmas dinner stuff” kind of things—but I’m not holding my breath on any of them. My expectation is that we’ll doing something small that morning (based on whatever I can find to pick up between payday and that day) and then go find something else to do for the day. I want to take Jinx ice skating at some point but I don’t know that the rink will be open on Xmas day. If it is, by some weird fluke, then we’ll probably do that then (and I’ll call it another gift for him). It’s not. So it’ll have to be Xmas Eve or the day after when they are open. I doubt he’ll mind which day it is.

Water GoalsThe holidays are going to be quiet, generally, even if busy for us. While others are doing corporate coworkers parties for Xmas and New Years and decking the hotel rooms with whatever temporary cheer that comes with such pathetic holiday spirit, we’ll be exploring our future and enjoying the re-building of our family on our terms. I’m not going to get dragged into the idea that “living alone and getting laid” is actually something that brings Joy to the World, to our families, or to our own lives.

January … well, January is another topic for another time. It’s going to be a roller-coaster to be sure. School. law suits, new directions, oh my! I have to start working on what school I need to aim for next. And, I am so lost here. The problem is being conflicted in what I don’t want to do over what I really know I need to do. I’m still stuck on a hook of my own making and haven’t really been able to convince myself emotionally that I want off that hook at all.

I keep hoping for a miracle.

That’s it for today. I have to spend the time cramming for this exam. Wish me luck!

Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Friends, Goals, Holidays, Life, School  | Tags: , , ,  | One Comment
Malevolentica Manica
Monday, 08 December 2008 at 11:22 AM | Author: bishop

Like my made up Latin for the day? Thought so!

I spent my weekend conflicted but calm. We had our Yuletime party at church and I got my tree up finally. We’ll spend this week decorating it in various ways. An email will go out later to friends to see if they will participate in the first annual ornament giveaway. Next year, we’ll turn it into an exchange when I have the actual time, wherewithal, and foresight to be more prepared for something like this. I think it will be fun. I think also, next year, I’m going to start promoting some kind of card/art exchange.

In January, I’m going to be starting up a blog “carnival” for thelemic/pagan/whatever authors. If you don’t know what that is, don’t worry, you will. I’ll be working out some of the details here over the next few weeks. I already have the “account” setup for the hub, but I still don’t even have a name for it yet. So I’m serious when I say it’s in the nascent stages of design and planning. I’d like to be able to have about six months of issues planned out ahead of time so that there is a good foundation to see if it will actually draw interest. It’s working in other religious communities like wildfire and it can’t hurt to see what it might do for ours.

I really need a personal manager that I can send on fishing expeditions and foundation building chores. I have too freaking much going on that there is just not enough of me to go around. Figuring out that I cannot do much more than survival mode on the paycheck I have is disheartening knowing that with two of us things were just fine and that abandonment allows R/ED™ to live care free while we wonder sometimes how bills will get paid. All things considered, I’ll never understand why those who have no responsibility, those who are cowards in life, and those who are disinclined to any kind of actual principles (moral or otherwise) are the ones who always seem to get ahead in this world. Those who are principled, good people suffer just for trying to do the right thing without compromise.

Bloody Catharsis

You’re everything that’s so typical
Maybe you’re alone, for reason
You’re the reason
(Beautiful) Just as beautiful as you are
(Pitiful) It’s so pitiful what you are
Should have seen this coming all along

I’ve been offered a form of emotional catharsis that I’m still considering. I’m not sure that I’m undisciplined enough to let go of my emotions in such a manner without a more forceful impetus. Whining (public, private, internally, externally, whatever) about one’s hurt feelings and emotional overload is not the same thing as actually dealing with those emotions. But to actually “let go” is something I’m not exactly sure how to do. Without trying to sound overly pathetic here, I’ve lived quite a sheltered life when it comes to certain things. Even through some of the most devastating situations I’ve always had R/ED™ there picking up the pieces and putting life back on track. Frankly, that just cannot be underestimated as a major factor of my own issues at the moment. She’s not merely in my veins; she is my blood.

Metal GoalsWhen I think of my own emotional context, even what people have seen on this blog and elsewhere, it is more like a pinprick in a water-filled balloon. You get a small, direct stream of leaking water from the balloon, but you can see the rest just sitting there behind the barrier holding all the rest in place, forcing it out that little tiny hole, and just waiting to burst out all at once. The idea that the balloon could burst is foreign to me. I think it would be overwhelming to anyone in the vicinity. I neither have the will nor the time for such release. Or do I? Maybe I need to make the time. But I still have this “letting go” hang-up I need to get through.

That said: due to control issues (and the mental/emotional blocks I know I have already) I’ve considered something more extreme: a bloody catharsis that takes the body over the edge and makes most all of these fluffy playtimes I see around me look like … well … fluffy playtimes for those trying to get laid—and I’m so not interested in sex right now. I’m not sure that there is anyone willing to go that far with me at the moment. I’ve come to the conclusion—not using my own words here—that the women around me that exhibit such proclivities [Edit: oops! should have added "except one" here] are players playing with other players. Nothing wrong with that: but stop making yourself all deep and dark and shit and just call it what it is: getting laid. And, personally speaking, I’m sick and tired of people thinking that they need to fuck over their mates just to get laid. So I’m thinking copious amounts of blood, pain, and barbarism. What could be done to my body—to be blunt—could never compare to what has been done in the most heinously barbaric manner to my soul by R/ED™. If the only way to move on is to remove the source of the “infection,” then it’s time to find a way to remove it the old fashioned way.

Water GoalsSo let’s find something that truly cuts to the core of it all rather than merely plays with red spots and bruises. Let’s find reality over fantasy. And then I dare some of these to bring their bullshit playtime around me again.

But, you know? bishop was born of a catharsis, a purging/deconstruction of the old to make way for the new that was so extensive it required a whole new persona, a whole new name, a whole new worldview. Nothing quite like that this time, but I will be changing my online persona (i.e., the secondary emails I use, the profiles I create, etc) to something more relevant to this particular change in life. I haven’t settled on anything specific yet, but it will follow a new line of an old thought. It will not, however, negate the current Eremitic Life foundation I’ve been building. This is real life. The other will merely separate out my online “life” for purely aesthetic reasons.

School, Work, and Finals! Oh My!

I still want to be able to work 20 hours a week and get paid for 60. Why is that so hard in this country? LOL!

Kidding.

Sorta.

This is my last week of school for the semester. I have my Biology final and lab practical this week sometime. I haven’t exactly worked this out yet. [Wednesday. This will be happening on Wednesday.] I have to be at a campus to take them and even though I’m not exactly planning on passing them (or passing them with flying colors), I still have to allocate about an hour for each one. My midterm and lab practical took me about 40 minutes overall for both, but I still planned for the two hours.

But, once this is done, I’ll be finished up here until January. (As an aside, I did make an A in Computer Lit—as if that was somehow unanticipated already. And my Cultural Studies grade was already posted and I made an A there too.)

In January, I’ll be taking Speech Communications, Introduction to Astronomy, and Cultural Anthropology (taught by the same professor I had for Sociology last year—so I’m just a bit excited about that!). Anyone that has a decent digital video recorder that I can beg from you or buy cheaply, I would certainly appreciate such a thing since I’m pretty sure I’m going to need it for Speech class.

Fire GoalsThat will leave one class open to complete Phase 1 of the Evul Master Plan. I’ll finish that up in Summer I and then graduate with the Associate of Arts—Humanities Emphasis there to move on. After that, things are still up in the air, but my goal is to find a university that will take me, has housing of some kind we can afford, and move us there. Ideally, it would be a university where I can stay through the last three phases so that I don’t have to keep running all over the place to finish up this plan and, just maybe, end up teaching there too. Granted, that’s a pipe dream, but at least I’m dreaming still. That’s got to be a positive sign for me.

Interlude of a Memory

Today is a bittersweet day for me. I long so much to do something but I know that someone else is already in my place, doing those things, filling my void, ripping apart 13 years of happiness and passion. So all I will say of today is this: Someday I hope you recall just how important these words are and how much you truly betrayed everything we stood for—”Our miracle lies in the path we have chosen together [and] the true magick of love is not to avoid changes, but to navigate them successfully. Let us commit to the miracle of making each day work—together.” The sad part is that had you actually kept this vow to me, we wouldn’t be in the mess that we are today.

Rules Free Weekend

We did a Rules Free Weekend this past weekend. It was partly because we had so much going on, but also to see if we could find different ways of providing motivation and rewards for good behavior. Since it was CartoonNetwork’s second sneak peek weekend for their online game, FusionFall, and he’s recently been given a City of Heroes/Villains account again, he wanted to pretty much stayed glued to the computer. (There’s another thing we need: this one has issues since we moved that it didn’t have before: not sure why, but things that she would play just fine now crash the machine. No idea why …) So we tried this and it worked out pretty well. We have some bumps to deal with, but I think that such a weekend once a quarter would be helpful for Jinx to just get out from under even some of his own rules that he made up for our home. It really does kind of release a lot of tension that builds up.

Not that he’s not a good kid the majority of the time, but I’m also trying to get him to see that some of the rules he made up are pretty superfluous in the big picture. I’m willing to follow them to set a good example, but I think he got caught up in the creative side of making these rules and didn’t really think down the road how they would weigh down some of his activities. Now he just doesn’t know quite how to admit that either they are dumb or that they need to be modified to something more useful. (This seems to be a common theme running through our family.)

Future, Future

I need to query the Dartabase soon. I am in need of a Personal (Information) Manager, Lifestyle Guru, Accountant, and Private Events Director. Heh. I think I’m finally up to my gills in babysitters, even if I do need one more for specific weekday nights for a support group thing—why would anyone put a group thing on a weekday night if single parents are going to attend? and especially on a school night? I don’t get it!. But I need to find someone I trust, has absolutely nothing more than platonic (or less) intentions in my home, and great with kids. I would prefer a teenager, actually, just because then all my bases are covered: no accusations of impropriety possible, no possibility of “taking over as mommy” (and even less of this chance if I can find a teenage boy that could play on Jinx’s level), and a complete lack of any interest beyond getting paid for the job. I mean, I know there are adult friends of mine that could handle this, but most have significant others—which is why they could handle this—and not really available for this level of need.

Jinx and I are doing fine. In fact, we’re doing fucking awesome. My dad commented yesterday that he’s highly impressed with our adaptability, our guts, and our drive. He even commented that he was telling one of my late mother’s friends at church about how impressed he was and especially that my home was much cleaner than his on a regular basis. LOL!

Yes, folks! He cooks, cleans, vacuums, walks the dog, works out, does laundry, even brings home a paycheck while going to school full-time, and all with a child in tow! What a guy! He just doesn’t do windows—not even in the buff. Sorry.

Oh. Right. And I’m still working on the new pictures. Just taking a bit longer than I anticipated and not really high up on the priority list right now.

Category: 1-Manic Monday, Family, Friends, Goals, Home, Life, School  | Tags: , , , , , , ,  | Leave a Comment
Pour Some Sugar On Me
Wednesday, 26 November 2008 at 11:57 AM | Author: bishop
adhd_pereriksson.jpg
  This entry is part 1 of 5 in the series Dealing with ADHD

You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little
Tease a little more
Easy operator come a knockin’ on my door
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah

I couldn’t resist. Sorry. I am, of course, a child of the 80s after all. LOL!

Most people know that both Jinx and I are diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. Not really a big secret if you’ve ever been around either of us for longer than 30 seconds[1].

Wood GoalsI’m working on reworking our diet to help out since many of the neurological issues are very much triggered by the foods we eat. I have a friend who got both her kids completely off medication by following this one doctor’s plan which is more individual-type geared rather than just some generic one-size-fits-all plan. So I started working on determining which subtype of ADHD Jinx and I were. His mother helped out by providing an external perspective as well.

But—and this was part of the point about the Alcoholics Anonymous quip in my last post—sugar is one of the main villains in the fight against ADHD. I’ve eliminated much of the obvious sugar from our diet already. And it shows. However, think about this a minute:

A therapist came up to [Dr Amen] during the break with this story. He said, “I’m so glad you mentioned the sugar. I used to be a very angry person; sometimes I would even scare my family. It made me feel terrible. I even took anger management classes, but they didn’t seem to help. When I eliminated sugar in my diet, I noticed almost an immediate reduction in outburst, plus I felt more energetic, lost weight, and was much more focused.” His personal experience was the same as [Dr Amen's] clinical experience.

Even though we didn’t actually eliminate sugar but merely reduced it by a great amount, I can still say that the amount of outbursts from Jinx has been reduced a great deal and my own focus and anger issues have begun to decrease as well. Neither of us are “there” yet, but I can certainly see progress that makes me take this whole thing very seriously.

So what’s this thing with Alcoholics Anonymous? They serve coffee and donuts. So? Right? What do you put into coffee? What is a donut but little more than sugar in the round? This is why we don’t give ADHD children donuts for breakfast. Not only do they bounce off the walls, but they have no focus, gain weight, and end up with a crash when it’s done. Same with an alcoholic except even more dangerous. Alcohol metabolizes into sugar. In fact, one of the major weight gain villains is alcohol. The calorie intake alone from alcohol is whacked when it comes to proportion with other beverages because of the way that the alcohol is broken down by the body. But, the bottom line is that alcohol is converted to sugar (basically). So when an alcoholic decides to stop drinking and then goes to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with coffee and donuts, they aren’t “getting cured.” They are merely substituting one sugar addiction for another. So instead of removing what the body does with alcohol, they continue it. Which means, it’s just that much easier to do a reverse substitution of alcohol instead of coffee and donuts. Catching on now?

What makes alcoholics so amazingly hostile both before they sober up and after they start to sober up but collecting their karma points in the form of little plastic chips? Sugar feeds anger and hostility. What is alcohol? What is coffee and donuts? Why are Sunday morning Christians trying to cleanse the world by the sword?[2] Why is it so hard for a recently sober person to focus on more than one thing at a time? Why do family members often complain that their newly sober loved one hasn’t actually changed at all in their personality? The sugar intake has not changed and the feedback loop from sugar to brain says, “fuck you!”

It’s not like this is new information, mind you. When I sobered up through that little mandated program the State of Texas so conveniently provided to me, the first two “sessions” were about diet. The first thing they did was explain proper breakfast foods. Oh. And they didn’t have a single coffee pot in the whole place and the “snacks” were hard boiled eggs and small tuna/wheat toast munchies. And water. Lots and lots of water. Not only have I remained sober since that point but my ability to return to a moderate alcohol intake[3] is not feeding the body’s addiction to the sugar[4]. I’m not saying this to pat myself on the back—though I won’t deny a sense of pride for having kicked yet another horrible habit in my life—but merely to suggest that I think diet had a huge impact on my success back then.

So, this isn’t really going anywhere. It’s merely my acknowledgement that sugar is a major, major culprit in my home and I know it and I’m working to reduce it as much as 90-95% as I am able. And, of course, it is my explanation as to my Alcoholics Anonymous snark earlier.

innervox

  1. … which is about the length of time it takes for one of us to bounce across a wall or chase a tangent. [↩]
  2. Oops. Sorry. Crossed wires. [↩]
  3. … which really means that I could do one or two drinks a year a couple years back, but now just don’t care to drink at all. [↩]
  4. … and, in fact, most drinking now makes me slightly ill-feeling which is why I just don’t go out of my way to drink at all. [↩]
Category: Dealing with ADHD, Family, Goals, Health  | Tags: , ,  | Leave a Comment
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