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Knotty Naughty Not
Tuesday, 06 January 2009 at 1:16 PM | Author: bishop

Sex Slave

There are two kinds of knotty.

The first is the good kind of knotty. When you tie something up in a knot, it stays there, people have fun, and generally there is something to be said about the mind blowing (or something blowing *giggle*) experience that happens when all tied up in knots like that.

*ahem* This is a metaphor, people.

Really.

The second is the bad kind of knotty. This is not to be mistaken for the good kind of bad knotty that falls into the first category of knotty. This is the kind that, when tied (and usually badly tied), still comes apart and lets the cat out of the bag. (Though I guess depending on the passion of the pussy tied up, this could still be a good thing!)

Seriously, people. These are just metaphors.

One of the interesting things about starting any kind of knotty endeavor when you’re rope-oriented skills have been neglected and rejected for as long as mine have been is that you have a certain amount of anxiety associated with the trying to get a hang of (or re-hang of) the ropes. Some, of course, never lose those skills or have that anxiety mainly because they are capable of slutting around any street corner (or internet site or company party) to get all tied up without even worrying about the knots or where those knots have been before. But there are two side effects to this kind of anxiety.

One side is about performance (or rather confidence about performance). How can you tie knots if you are anxious about tying the wrong knot or your own knots are not up to par with other people’s knots? And heaven forbid they don’t like your rope!

[I would just like to insert in here that I really am that good! I just picked up a Dance Dance Revolution for Playstation2 for Jinx ... for free! He's been asking for this for a while now. Uh huh! Uh huh! I'm good! (Obviously this entry is taking hours upon hours to write. *sigh*)]

The other side is about self-esteem. Having been flat out told that my knots suck for so long is dehumanizing. For a man not to be capable of knotty is completely different than just being bad at knots. I would like to suggest that this is just knot true. But given that I had been tying knots with only one person for so long, the sudden discovery that my knots were just not good enough was a bit shocking. And, of course, my self-esteem went through the floor quite quickly.If the knots weren’t any good for The One, the who the hell is going to want them?

And contrary to popular opinion, tying a knot is not like riding a bicycle!

But once you’ve tied one knot, it is easy to tie more later. And that’s where the fun gets knotty.

But that’s also where the pussy stays in the pouch and we will talk about other things another time.

Suffice to say, I know how to tie a knot and I’m quite, quite good at it. All it took was some encouragement—something that was missing from my past. Rather than make me feel like my knots were good enough to hold the boat to the pier, it was constantly degraded and ignored. But I learned, also, that sailing is just as much fun as being tied up to the dock and you still get a lot of use out of knots. A lot of knotty knots.

And that’s something the past did not give me either. No longer my loss in the deal. I’ve only begun to learn just how much knots can be knotty or not.

Metaphor, people. It really is all just a metaphor!

Category: 2-Knotty Tuesday, Life  | Leave a Comment
Day of Fire and Ice
Monday, 05 January 2009 at 12:36 PM | Author: bishop

Madman Two words: freezing rain.

I already don’t like to drive in bad weather. I already don’t like to drive in the dark. But driving in the dark in bad weather is insane!

I did it anyway.

I really needed wanted to be in the office today. Now I’m not so sure. LOL! Of course, getting here I was informed that I’d been nominated for a 2008 National Recognition Award around here. WooHoo! Never had that happen before. Not that it’ll come of anything, but that’s not the point. I’ve had a shitty year all around and even being nominated is just enough good news to come out of the year[1] to make it worth something around this place.

Random News Flash

Apparently I am now the only one allowed to called Jinx by that name. He’s settled on Tristan (with which I am just fine, of course, otherwise I wouldn’t have named him that in the first place) and wants to keep Jinx as our inner name.

We’ve been talking about the differences, similarities, and harmony of the inner person and outer person and why it is important that they work together. After hearing that individuals in some tribes use a temporary name or ‘inner name’ for a while and then settle on an ‘outer name’ later in life, he decided that Jinx would be his inner name and I could call him that, but it was too personal for just anyone to use anymore.

Just one more reason why I love my kid. Smart as a whip.

Now if I could get him to read like one … *sigh*

Home Building

2009 is going to be the year of home building; materially speaking, I mean. Well, I mean, also, that it will be more than material stuff, but we are going to start working on setting some tone and flavor to our home.

I picked up—free, of course: I truly, truly love Freecycle—a new full-size microwave and an older piano bench that will need to be refinished a bit.

Since I’m hurting for storage space, I wanted something that I could use for practical purposes if necessary or as needed but could also function for storage. It’s not a lot of storage, but I think it will work nicely for flat things (maybe papers?) or maybe even “office supplies” (paper, envelopes, tape, stapler, etc.) that aren’t used a lot but still need to be accessible. Anyway, it will be storage of some kind that will relieve space elsewhere for other things.

I’m already about 80 books away from being back to the previous inventory levels in the library. Again, I just love Freecycle. LOL! I just need more bookshelves.

And a sofa, chairs, and coffee table.

Hmm. I wonder if I can find a big square coffee table with underneath storage. Heh.

Work. Work. Work.

I. Don’t. Want. To. Play. This. Game.

There.

I said it.

I got it out of my system.

I truly hate the way things appear sometimes. Even though I’m told the numbers game doesn’t work the way I perceive it to work, I still have my doubts. Maybe, really, they are more about insecurities. The fact of the matter is that I don’t hate my job. I just don’t want to do it anymore. But I have to do it or I won’t be able to support myself to get to the job I want to do.

Catch-22. But it’s all good though. I could hate my job and not be able to get out of it or be able to have it flexible enough to go to school. So it could be worse. I’m grateful it’s not and my conflicts are merely with my pride rather than anything serious.

Miscellaneous Ramblings

We are talking about going to Barton Creek maybe for Spring Break. I’ll get some lessons in how to play golf and smear some ass in tennis. Not that I’m any good at tennis … I’m just saying I will …

But that also gives Jinx a ton of options for playing and getting out and … hell, he’ll probably just spend his entire time at the pool anyway. But since I did promise him once that he could “drive” a golf cart, that would be ideal.

Speaking of clubs and resorts, I start today over at Brookhaven in the fitness center. I’m going to take it easy this week mainly due to my knee still being messed up from ice skating, but it will be my intro-week, so to speak, so that I can get warmed up to the facilities and start my HIIT program sometime during January. Given that the club is on the way home, and it’s free, and it’s perfect for me, I think that it will work out nicely.

So long as I will stop baking things when pissed off at someone, I might actually start making my weight goals again. Then I can go back to be cute instead of curmudgeonly.

Speaking of cute, I’ll finish up with this story.

On Thursday and Friday afternoons … Wait. Let me back up.

Over the holidays one of the major problems I had was forgetting to give Jinx his afternoon medication. By 3:00-4:00pm he was all over the charts, frustrating the hell out of me, but it was too late to give them to him by that time. We would laugh about it, but there were some days that it was truly a challenge to stay moderate in my responses to some of his antics.

Fast forward again to Thursday and I once again forgot to medicate him right after lunch. But for most of the afternoon he was sullen and quiet, almost like he was sick. I asked him repeatedly what was wrong. “Nothing,” he would say every time.

Finally, I mentioned all this to a friend and she suggested that maybe he was going through a growth spurt and didn’t want to really talk about it. Fair enough. So I told Jinx my standard mantra of “you know you can tell me anything” and left him alone.

Until Friday when he did it again.

So I pressed him a bit harder and he finally broke down and told me. “Dad. I’m trying to stay calm and not be so hyper all the time.”

*sound of jaw hitting floor inserted here*

“If I can show you that I can be calm on my own without my medicine then maybe I can stop taking it and then I can have sugar again.”

It was everything I could do to keep from busting out laughing. He is so brave and headstrong. I love my kid.

So we sat and talked a while about the issue and what it would take. I know that three different people have told him that either they or their kids got off meds just because of what they were eating and that not everything without sugar was horrible. He wants to try on his own.

So we are going to work (slowly) on having “non-medicated weekends” starting in February.

But, when I was irritated the other night at being stood up, I made a red velvet cake. As I was icing it, Jinx walked in the kitchen and asked, “So I guess I can’t have any of that.” Not thinking at all, I responded, “Why not? It’s just a red velvet cake like we both enjoy sometimes. And I made it so it has to be good.” He sighed real big, rolled his eyes at me, and said, “Duh, dad. It has sugar in it!”

Needless to say, the cake is already half gone but I have a smile on my face every time I look at it.

innervox

  1. And, by this, I do mean for work. I have walked out of 2008 with quite a bit of good: my child, a better relationship with my dad and Ian, my health, still employed, an angel on my shoulder, a great place to live, an active life, friends, etc. [↩]
Category: 1-Manic Monday, Family, Home, Life, Work  | Tags: , , ,  | Leave a Comment
Meme: 43 Things
Friday, 02 January 2009 at 7:26 PM | Author: bishop
I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I’m a
Self-Knowing Spiritual Builder
Category: Writing  | Tags:  | Leave a Comment
Meme: First of the End of the New-Old Year
Thursday, 01 January 2009 at 8:33 PM | Author: bishop

The rules for the meme: Take the first line from the first post of every month for the last year, and post them together as a kind of cross-section of what you were blogging about during the year. Remember to link to all the posts you are excerpting.

So, for 2008, here we go …

January
Random Thoughts About Crowley’s Commentaries
If one takes a strict fundamentalist approach to the subject, then all of Crowley’s commentaries, by definition, are uninspired and outside the Class A designation and therefore (much to the same fundamentalist’s disappointment) capable of being ignored, overlooked, and set aside from any comprehension of the Law.

February
Absolute Power
Lord Acton provided us with one of the most well-known quotes in regard to leaders and power: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

March
Examining Arjuna’s Dharma
I’ll take what HUZZAHs I can. ;))

April
WorldLit: What A Girl Wants
What a girl wants/ What a girl needs/ Whatever makes me happy sets you free—It is the crooning of the pop icon Christina Aguilera that nailed it straight out of Chaucer and an entire generation of young people missed it head on.

May
[blank due to personal circumstances]

June
[blank due to personal circumstances]

July
Emergent Thelema
There is little doubt Crowley saw a future for the Law of Thelema where it would be taught as any other course in an academic environment if not indeed the pedagogic foundation of a new institutionalized academia.

August
Preconditions of a Thelemic Worldview
While I personally think this is a horrible way to start a study, it is an unfortunate necessity when it comes to any serious thelemic topic of discussion.

September
Cultural Studies: Alien Culture
["The Day the Cisco Kid Shot John Wayne"] did not stick out to me as much as the other.

October
Repost—Lies and Truth: The Grand Painting
… the secret is not Truth in Death, but Truth in Life.

November
Busy Saturday General Update
It’s been a whirlwind of a day already.

December
In Another Dream, My Love
It was but yesterday we met in a dream.

Category: Quotes, Writing  | Leave a Comment
End of a Lie. Start of a Life.
Wednesday, 31 December 2008 at 9:39 AM | Author: bishop

It’s Hump Day again! If you’re getting laid tonight, raise your hand!

Right.

Never mind. That’s way too much information even for my blog.

But tonight’s the night, right? We get to watch the old pass away and the new come into being? Funny how we memorialize this one day a year for such observation and yet this is something than happens every single moment—if we can but see them as such.

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I realized quite some time ago that they were worthless. They never get done and are really only good for making one think they are doing something productive. I started a habit of making a To Do List. But even then it turned out to be more of a Wish List than anything productive. I got many things done off that list the last two years, but it was still very unfulfilling. Granted, I now know why on a interpersonal level but even that can’t be used an excuse all the time.

This year there is no spoon list. Jinx and I aren’t just turning over a new leaf. We’re turning over a whole new forest. By the time this new year is over, life will be very, very different and I doubt that many of the superficial things that exist now will continue to exist for very long. But having no list doesn’t mean there are no goals.

I need to socialize my child. And this means on an adult level as well. He needs to learn how to properly behave around adults in a mix. He needs to learn how to converse with adults from his own young perspective. But this also means that some of the dependencies that are a natural result of my early parent-child bonding experiment need to be redirected in a healthy manner. And I’m going to tap some friends to help me with this. Part of realizing that my child has needs is recognizing that I have limitations, I’m not superman, and I can’t do it all alone. Both friends with kids and those without kids are potentially amazing role models and teachers for a child who needs to learn how to interact on a more mature level. I’m going to figure out how to ask for that help of my friends without the guilt of feeling like I’m imposing on them. As I found in the last part of 2008, friends seem to not be as put out with you as you imagine them to be if you’re just straight-forward and honest about your boundaries, goals, needs, and desires. It’s amazing not merely what a personal honesty but an open honesty can do for relationships.

I need to socialize myself. Raising a child is no excuse to sit at home doing nothing. Granted, Angelus seems to be changing that rapidly, but there is also the sense of having to “get over the guilt” of just grabbing a sitter and going out for a couple hours. It’s complicated to explain (and so I won’t here with any depth) but I’m uncomfortable with the idea of “dumping” my child somewhere with someone and walking away to “have a good time” or whatever. Even though I’m his father, I feel like that I’ve been playing babysitter for someone else who would rather fuck around in life than have a focus on family and child. I don’t want to be like that, but yet recognize that decompression time is necessary and healthy for us both. I’ve found a kid “lock-in” here in Lewisville that is four hours of games and playtime for kids every Saturday night. That’s plenty of time to grab dinner and/or a movie and some alone time, and it’s incredibly affordable (cheaper than a sitter for the same amount of time).

I need to get my home in order. This means on every level. Financially, I’m sure, things are probably not as bad as I think they are. I have to be more assertive in some areas that I’m not used to dealing with, but I have some good friends around who are able and willing to help out in those areas to ensure that I’m learning what I need to learn to improve my money management skills. Unlike some who have money to burn for lack of responsibility, every penny counts here. And it’s not like we’re hurting. It’s not that. It’s just that I’m not always the wisest spender in the world. I’d rather be having fun than paying bills. And I have to get a grip on how to have a good equilibrium in that area. But there are other aspects of my home that needs to be adjusted. And that will happen slowly over time as the needs and the resources to fulfill those needs become apparent.

I need to focus on adjusting my worldview to an even more appropriate and fulfilling perspective. I mentioned to a friend last night that I am, literally, starting out 2009 by serving someone. Not in any slave or submissive position that I’m moving into (which was the obvious first connections we both made in our heads and I guess is logical to think under the circumstances—but, sorry, just not that kind of a guy), but along the lines of a perspective to which Jez introduced me that rejects the “I need to fix or be fixed” and “I need to help or be helped” mentality and promotes the worldview that goes along with “I desire to serve and be served.” I’ve been in service throughout my entire working life. From being a waiter at TGIFriday’s to technical support in my current position, I have worked at serving others in some capacity. But I have never, that I can see, translated that into my own personal life with my relationships, friendships, and family. It’s about time that I learned how to do that effectively (and I am still learning) and then share that with my child. The sooner that he sees people are only broken in their perspectives and not broken as people he can promote healthy relationships and engagements with others that are not based on the illusion of piecemeal people but the whole of the Divine within each individual.

I need to focus on my Total Wellness Program. I’ve gotten off on a good start there. But I’d like to keep that dynamic and adjusting so that I can start thinking in those kinds of terms—equilibrium, health, service, tranquility, resolution—and continue on as such. I need to focus on releasing much of the bitterness that I have over the past. That’s over. That’s gone. That’s dead. I hope never to face that again, ever, and it’s just finally disappeared. But that’s difficult. A great deal of emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual investment went into that past. Love went into that past. And it’s hard to let it go. But, I guess, better late than never, right? One cannot live in the past but only press forward and live each moment in the future-now.

So today is the true Hump Day. It is the crossing from one year to the next and not merely the crossing of the beginning of the week to the ending of the week. And in this case it is the movement from the ending to the beginning all over again: the ouroboros effect, so to speak.

It’s an exciting time of marked and physical change. And the new year promises to bring all new challenges and adventures.

Happy New Year to everyone! May your new year bring you what you least expect and more.

Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Friends, Goals, Holidays, Life  | Tags: ,  | 2 Comments
Closer and Closer
Tuesday, 30 December 2008 at 8:43 PM | Author: bishop

Will it really happen?

This close to the day and I’m already having cold feet and second thoughts. Or maybe it’s just doubt.

Having now spent the majority of my adult life living a lie that was perpetrated on me, I have difficulty believing that anyone would actually find me worth spending time with in the first place. So I tend to second guess myself and my own intentions. In the end, of course, it’s all good. Things work out the way they do for a reason.

New Year’s Eve night seems to be setup for some trouble. I have no plans early, but I’m in the process of working some out before my post-midnight plans kick in. I know that I’m spending the late afternoon with a friend going through stuff before she throws it all away. I already know there are some things I’ll bring home that will work out nicely. Not sure if maybe we’ll make dinner plans too just for kicks. [Edit: No dinner plans. Will work something else out for the pre-midnight soirée-type thing.] Her philosophy is to stay in on New Year’s Eve and let all the amateurs run wild[1]. LOL! Of course, there will be plenty of pathetic drunks with their legs in the air, so it’s nice to know that there are some decent people in the world that just feel the need to bring in the New Year with some common sense rather than utter debauchery.

Refined debauchery, on the other hand …

I’m planning, still, on breakfast. Apple-spice pancakes with fresh whipped topping and apple sweetness, mango romanoff, fresh multi-fruit fondue-ish spread, the standards, of course, of bacon, eggs of some kind, and fresh ground coffee, and ultimately finishing up with something a bit more personal for dessert[2].

All in all? If you’re going to be knotty, do it with flair. Only the boring are bored (or liars). I can’t think of a more boring way to spend the entrance of the New Years than face down in a bottle or a crotch like some will. But it won’t surprise me that so many will be doing either … or both. I’ll avoid the religious connections that I could draw here that would mean so much to me and so little to others. But where there is a will, there is a passion.

I plan on following the passion this year.

And I can assure you, my friends, that it’s going to get knotty.

A lot.

innervox

  1. I figure I’m just going to get screwed again on this loan thing even though I was promised it would be taken care of from here on out and that money will just go to more crap and alcohol to drown out reality. [↩]
  2. The things I do for little to nothing in return. I guess I am a monster after all. [↩]
Category: 2-Knotty Tuesday, Friends, Holidays, Life  | Leave a Comment
Whoa Boy! Easy Does It.
Monday, 29 December 2008 at 3:13 PM | Author: bishop

Ghost Rider

Life is finally slowing down.

I think.

We are finally reaching that point of calm around here. No huge fights over stupid things (no, “dusk” does not mean “after dark” to come home). Agreements on how to spend money (Star Wars figure or PSP game but not both if you want a flat screen television in January and another one in March). The emotional turmoil of being “alone” is rapidly ending for us both. It’s nice not to think about the past everyday anymore—which is, of course, only half true since I think about it constantly. Where did I go wrong? How can I avoid such a problem in the future? What is it that I really want out of life, love, and the universe?

Today, however, isn’t all that manic. Yesterday. Now that was manic. I think I’m going to have a code—cleaned house—for when I’m manic. Jinx and I cleaned from wall to wall (minus the library since I have some things I need to do in here first) and the place is spotless—including the bedroom closet. Again. It would seem that I make more than one person sick to death with my ability to keep a clean house and simultaneously raise a hyperactive child. LOL! However, I also have to keep in mind that this is a much smaller place than a house and much easier to deal with. Even the slightest mess seems monstrous to me and must be corrected immediately or it’s in the way.

2009 promises to be interesting. We’re gearing down for the year here at the beginning of this week and back up again at the end of the week. The midpoint will be, I know, something to remember. Finally. And at least this year will not be one I’ll spend alone while being cheated on and lied to my face. Again. 2009 will be the year of never looking back and it will be all about moving forward without regrets.

I am still missing some pieces out of my upcoming social network construction, but overall it’s all coming together nicely already. I still need a run through the Dartabase. *cough*hint*cough* But by this time next year, life is going to look very different. Or I think it will. It already looks very different. And happier.

I love Freecycle. Angelus and I have been talking about taking up racquetball (along with my about to be starting gym usage at the club) and I just picked up an older model but still good-as-new racket for nothing. Nada. Zilch. I might be picking up a new vacuum cleaner later too. Not that I need a new one, but I would like to have a newer one that has all the attachments that would make cleaning up in the little places much easier.

The day is absolutely gorgeous outside. I think Jinx and I are going to go hit a park (maybe with Zoe) after I get off work. There is a slight chill in the air but after Satan Claws gave him a winter-grade “Tony Hawk” hoodie, he is set as far as keeping warm goes. We might be in a bit of a bind if it gets cold and wet enough to snow or it rains that winter rain kind of shit, but for just general Texas cold he’s fine.

Speaking of getting things, I’m still hoping that my friend gives it up to me. Her couch, that is. I so want that couch for my living room. It would be perfect and is exactly what I want. Then I wouldn’t have to be entertaining on blankets on my floor—not that anyone’s complained so far—and it would look nicer all around anyway.

All in all a great day! A great life. And a lot of great adventure right around the corner.

Who says that those who fuck up the world and produce little more than gray clouds can take away the sun. No matter how depressed we may get, no matter how many times we may forget there is sunshine, it doesn’t take long for the light to penetrate our hearts and melt them down into little pools of happiness swirling in fields of desire.

Category: 1-Manic Monday, Home, Life  | 2 Comments
Xmas Hump
Wednesday, 24 December 2008 at 9:42 AM | Author: bishop

I sat in the parking garage this morning and cried. I’m not so sure it was frustration as it was relief. I had been thinking about today’s Hump Day posting and how I could express anything at all that I felt inside, the events that led up to today, or anything that really matters to me at the moment. I thought, “I’m afraid to breathe. I’m afraid to move. I’m afraid that I’ll wake up and this will all be a bad dream.” And how many times I’ve wished that I would wake up and this would all be a very bad dream. My soul has been ripped apart by selfishness. My light has been darkened by deception. My love has been smothered to death by spite.

But there is hope in the breaking dawn.

And then I heard this on the radio …

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself
Lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

The irony was as amusing as it was painful.

And I lost it on the final verse pulling into the parking garage, but I knew the direction I needed to go today.

Afraid to Breathe

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a trepidation in my heart. Was it real? Was it over? If I breathe will it dislodge this truce or peace or whatever it is that just happened? Could I trust my assumptions based on the observations of evidence or was it merely another deceptive calm before another violent storm?

I’m paralyzed but yet not comatose. Did I make my point finally? Was I clear enough? My intents are honorable even if the results could be wildly misunderstood[1]. But if I open my mouth to breathe, will that all blow away? Will it just be another episode in a season of bad reruns?[2]

Water GoalsIs it safe to admit that I’m still afraid to breathe? I’ve been gasping for air for so long, that the chill in the night air cuts through my soul and leaves me bitter and cold. But there is a warmth in the knowledge of freedom. The blood begins to circulate again. The scent of love hangs ever so loosely in the air like a potpourri of variety and humanity, of passion and possibility, of safety and new experience.

Dared to Move

Wood GoalsI’m glad she has a new family for the holidays. No one deserves to be alone and without family. We are spending our time, starting today, with old friends and new friends and, over the rest of the holidays, the core of our possibilities. We are living our future-now. We are creating that future-now, minute by minute, day by day, even moment by moment. Jinx was sitting at the door this morning putting on his shoes as I came in from walking Zoe. He looked up at me with the biggest grin and said, “I love you, Dad! I had a great dream last night about you and me and Zoe going on vacation together.”[3] It just doesn’t get any better than this. He is excited about tonight. He’s excited about tomorrow morning. He’s excited about ice skating on Friday[4]. He’s excited because he’s decided that his mind is a T-Rex and his soul/spirit is a Velociraptor. I just wish I could remember what conversation precipitated that decision on his part. He is child: hear him roar.

But now what? If I have been truly handed my wish here, now what? Am I truly, now, beholden to no-one? Could this be real? Finally?

Metal GoalsI know, first, that we will memorialize this day[5] next year by burning four reams of paper and moving forward into Year One[6] without defenses, without weapons, and without the terror of betrayal hanging over our heads. But where I thought I used to trust easily enough, I have learned to be suspicious of everything, of everyone, of every movement that is not my own. I will hold my swords in check for the moment until I am secure in my own mind that this is not merely another illusion woven to pacify the rage. Should I be betrayed again, it will be the last time and I will bring both of them down so hard and so fast it will sever all connections permanently and without recourse. For now, though, I have hope of a future peace and reconciliation—though I am quite sure that it will be very different than I had originally hoped. There might even be an opening for friends. Only time will tell should this future-now remain intact as it stands today.

I know, second, that I’ve been handed a gift. A very precious gift. No matter what anyone will say—and I have heard it all—I am grateful for this. I am humbled by this opportunity. No. Admittedly, this is not what I had in mind for the rest of my life nor what I had in plan for my life. But it is what it is and I accept that I am both an jackass over this and a very passionate father who would do anything to protect his child. I can only regret that I was not this passionate and this insistent over Ian. I should have listened. I should have done the right thing then. And it should be absolutely no surprise to anyone that I would not make the same mistake twice.

But if this is truly real, if this is truly happening the way I asked, then I have twice the burden of responsibility because now I’m faced with the responsibility of truly sharing the life of a child with others in ways that are daunting and difficult and open to incredible amounts of criticism. Am I doing things right? Am I holding his best interests at heart? Am I ensuring that our life remains an open book, hell or high water, paradise or prosperity? Will we get slaughtered every time we stumble or hurt ourselves trying to climb another mountain? Will we ever hear praise for our successes and our happiness no matter how that is found?

We will not hide from anyone.

But we have set our eyes on the east, accepted the dare, and have begun to move again.

And what a glorious ecstasy it will be when we can see the sun through the first rays of morning and the ocean of experience is wide open for exploration and rest.

A Reluctant Dream Backup Plan Within a Dream

I’ve always known that I wanted a child to raise on my own, beholden to no-one, solitary and yet never really alone. Women have always been just a temporary expedient to that goal.

Until I met her: that One that would alter my life forever and change my worldview so dramatically that one might suggest that I’ve lost my religion over and over again because of her. I’ve compromised more in my life for her than for any other reason. She was the dream of a reality that I never knew existed until I was living that reality in her arms and in her heart.

And then my dream of being a single father turned into a reluctant backup plan in the case of disaster that I thought could never happen. Bumps and bruises, scrapes and sprains: all part of a relationship that is ever evolving and growing and pushing the boundaries of the possible.

I was wrong.

And now here I sit with a reluctant backup plan in my hands reshaping that dream from a nightmare that I didn’t even see coming. Hindsight is 20/20, to be sure, but I was blindsided by the trauma and forced into a corner to fight back with tooth and with nail.

Metal GoalsBut this is a precious child here. And I have an awesome responsibility now, alone, to do the right thing and raise him so that everyone is proud of the way he turns out. I can no longer point a finger and say, “… just like your mother.” I can no longer point a finger and say,  “… fucked up role models.” I can no longer point a finger and say, “… bad behavior of others at home.” I can no longer point a finger and say, “… not my doing.” They say that one should be careful what they wish for. No shit, right? But this is my original dream in motion. I accept the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the successes and the failures. I accept this wholeheartedly.

How Jinx turns out in life will be my indictment as a parent—for better or for worse—and no one else’s.

I can live with that.

And I am grateful for this gift I’ve been handed with trust and love (whether or not it’s seen as such by anyone else, I see it that way) and will honor this gift as best I can.

Namaste.

innervox

  1. … or even maligned by the wrong impressions or wrong interpretations or just malicious mischief of the malevolent [↩]
  2. There is a reason why I consider those who have more television hours than literary hours to be substandard individuals. Literature opens the mind no matter how many times you reread something. Television merely offers never-ending reruns of canned laughter and unimpressive drama which is then played out in real life as if some kind of template for reality. [↩]
  3. This is significant, to me at least, in that he had his first nightmare in the apartment night before last. [↩]
  4. Granted, I’m going to have to wipe out my savings again because I just don’t make enough to pay all this crap that I was left with to pay alone. But I’ll manage. I know people with less resources and worse paychecks doing just fine. Once we get rid of some of the carry-over debt from R/ED™ we’ll be just fine. But most of that is what is actually killing my funds. Well, that—and the awful timing of when bills actually hit. A budget looks great on paper and would be awesome if one could just pay everything one time a month, all at the same time, and be done with it. But that’s not how things work. Though I do wonder if it’s possible to contact everyone that wants to get paid and rearrange billing dates so that it is the same date every single month …? Hmm… It might mean having to pay a little extra one month to catch up or something, but I wonder …! [↩]
  5. Actually, it would be 12 December. [↩]
  6. We enter, right now, our Year Zero. [↩]
Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Health, Holidays, Life  | Tags: ,  | Leave a Comment
Moving Right Along
Tuesday, 23 December 2008 at 9:45 AM | Author: bishop

And true to form, life provides its own knotty amusements.

Wood GoalsGiftmas Eve is now completely filled. Giftmas is completely filled. Friday is ice skating. Next week is work and then we have tentative plans to take the train out of town after the first. No. Really. I mean, literally “take the train” out of town. My plans for New Year’s Eve night are still up in the air with three different offers on the table and the potential for a fourth that I will accept in a heartbeat if it comes about[1]. If not, then I’ll probably take the path less traveled and most trouble.

Fire GoalsThen both Jinx and I start school again and it’s going to be a fast paced semester from there. I will have a new place picked out for next fall by June since I need to be in a four-year institution of some kind by then even if only online again. I think the next four to six months include several factors that will play a major role in my decisions as well. Given that my desire to be beholden to no-one in regards to our son is going to be ignored, burdened, and forced into submission by selfish whims, I may have to forego my own further education, again, in order to ensure that those without any moral compass or ethical foundation can continue to ruin lives around them.

That’s helpful for everyone, to be sure.

Metal GoalsWe’ve been invited to London, but I still can’t get all the right permits for such a journey (yet) and the laws in the UK just tightened up in the last year or so for foreigners including students. Given that I struggle financially as is right now since there is no longer two incomes to support all the endeavors that we had gotten ourselves into as well as a child, I’m going to have to make some choices on priorities. Moving overseas to finish my education as I would like to do and providing my son with a multicultural background and education is apparently not as important as bingo night at the T or being exposed to grease and spark plugs. It’s sickening to me to know that I’m about to have my hands tied because I am, actually, a man of my word and honorable to a fault and that can be exploited by those who don’t care one whit about a child’s future or the nature of a family and have no personal honor of their own. I can promise that when the chips fall later in life the difference between my choices and decisions for him versus what will be forced on him will be immeasurable in his understanding of what was best for him in the long run[2].

Wood GoalsGranted, after I’ve just spewed all that, we could merely go on vacation just as easily. I think when there was that row several years back and Jinx was going to be taken away to some other foreign country, a passport was obtained for him. Of course, I don’t have it if that happened. I’ll have to get him a new one then. But he might not have one at all, so I’ll have to do that anyway. I just can’t remember exactly. But, in any case, I fully expect that he and I will be out of the country—on vacation, I mean—no later than summer 2010 (probably earlier, as in winter 2009) and then doing multiple trips per year by spring or summer 2012/2013. It is not outside the realm of possibility that we might be living overseas by that time frame as well if I can find the right means to get us there.

And, finally, I’m moving all my personal shit to a new blog. As I begin to set the foundation and groundwork for The Scarlet Carnival, I want to use the Eremitic Life blog as my primary blog for deeper work than this garbage with gutter rats. I will just use my Harlequin Workspace for my personal crap. Or at least that’s my plan. Only time and effort will tell if I am successful. I’ve tried to separate my personal and “professional” lives in the past and it doesn’t work very well. Unlike some others we could point at for example, I’m not one thing in private and something else in public. I am who I am: shit and all.

innervox

  1. Things are moving slowly, but they are moving and I am finding happiness where I least expected it. ’nuff said. [↩]
  2. I know this because it is exactly what Ian is currently in the middle of doing. So it’s not going to be a very long wait before Jinx is seeing the reality of all this through much more mature eyes himself. And I can live with both the consequences and the inevitable issues that arise because I know my positions are justified by love and preservation rather than spite and whim. I know that I have given 800% and received nothing in return but more lies that were never in our best interest. He will know this too and, like with Ian, I will not have had to say a word to him. The truth always comes out despite some people’s desperate attempts to cover their own ass. [↩]
Category: 2-Knotty Tuesday, Family, Home, Life, School  | Tags: , , ,  | Leave a Comment
Long Dark Night
Saturday, 20 December 2008 at 11:56 PM | Author: bishop

I hope that everyone will have a happy solstice.

As for me, I swing downward into this longest night of the year with the longest night of my heart and soul.

My soulmate is gone.
My soul is torn.

I don’t wish to wake up from this night.

And the only cure I know is killing me.

Category: 6-Sacked Out Saturday, Life  | Comments off
Movement or Mental Masturbation
Friday, 19 December 2008 at 9:51 AM | Author: bishop

Thank Any God It’s Friday!

I cannot explain how grateful I am that it’s Friday.

So I won’t.

Starting today and through the end of the year, it is non-stop activity. We won’t have time to stop for anything or anyone. And what I thought was a major pausing moment turned out, I guess, to be little more than a purposeful attempt at even more deception and distraction from the goals at hand.

[Interlude II moved to a private post. Just not a wise decision on my part. I am, after all, still learning how to fucking shut my mouth.]

2008 and Closing

Tonight we’re caravanning from our church to the other church for the Winter SolstiCelebration. Jinx is really excited about going—even if he did wake up on the jackass side of the bed this morning—and we are meeting Gabe down there as well. This should prove to be fun if not the perfect way to actually kick off the holidays for us.

Jinx will be very busy next week. And then the week after that is going to be more about anticipation of the new year and the new changes and the new directions than anything else. I’m probably going to spend a great deal of time re-cataloguing my life, both externally and internally, so that I know what I have to work with, what I need to get for myself and my family, and what I need to get rid of in order to maintain a healthy equilibrium in my home. I’m seriously considering taking every TCG card I have and dumping them into the garbage can. Those things caused more disharmony between R/ED™ and me than just about anything else. I don’t regret what I learned. I do regret not listening to her when she warned me that I was headed down an empty road. But, there are some I’d like to keep for inspiration purposes[1].

I’m not compromising on school for anyone for any reason. In fact, I have this weird fantasy of being able to stretch out on a bed (a large one, yes), doing homework while just being with someone who is there reading or watching television or something. I want to bring myself out of merely an academic mode and use that time for maybe not so much verbal communication as much as emotional communication. This may not make sense to anyone but me. But I have also decided that I will be taking time off from studies to get out and play with myself … um, wait, I didn’t really mean it quite, uh, like that … have some decompression time away from school stuff.

Whoa! TAGIF is about lessons learned and blessings of the week.

Well, okay. What’s above is a little of both actually.

I’ve actually learned a lot about the way people perceive me this week. I’ve had a lot of, uh, ego stroking. Yeah, Go ahead. Go there. I’ll wait for you to catch up. Go on. Snicker a bit. Done? Good.

Four different people, for I’m sure four different reasons, said basically the same thing about me. One from experience, two from interactions, and a last from merely email conversations. It gave me chills. But it made me realize just how much I have to offer someone. And, dammit, I’m proud of that.

So here’s my parting wisdom of the day, my lesson I’m learning this week that I want to pass on:

Take chances.
Take control.
Take charge.

Life is what you make of it. Even if life has been the shittiest thing so far, only you can make the changes necessary to make it better. Ignoring it makes it worse. Running from it doesn’t mean it goes away. But change is the only constant in the universe.

I may not think that love makes the world go ’round, but I’m learning that it may not be all that bad of a place from which to start.

innervox

  1. Of course, I say that and yet have not once ever sat down as I had originally planned and “used them” for that purpose! Talk about personal delusions I’m still working on eliminating! There’s one right there! [↩]
Category: 5-TAGIF, Family, Friends, Goals, Holidays, Life, Love  | Tags: , ,  | Leave a Comment
On the Future
Thursday, 18 December 2008 at 2:08 PM | Author: bishop
jinx_11182008_icon2.jpg
  This entry is part 1 of 1 in the series For Jinx

My son,

Listen carefully, please, when I explain to you certain things in life.

First, the future is what you make of it. You cannot purchase a future in a package. A future doesn’t come shrink-wrapped in the freezer section. And you cannot steal a future from someone else. A future cannot be sold for any price or given away for free.

Your future is created by you and no-one else. Do not give in to anyone who claims they can give you a future. And, more importantly, do not accept anyone who says there is no future or can be no future in anything at all. They have given up on their own possibilities. They are pretending to see phantoms when the truth is that they are living their future right now, lonely, alone, and wasted all because they cannot see reality as the future now. They want something more, bigger, down there somewhere beyond the yellow brick road.

But you, my child, have all the potential in the universe at your fingertips. You have any number of futures sitting there in the palm of your hand just waiting to be tossed like dice. Take chances. Take control. Take charge of your own future right now.

Second, make every moment count. Each moment is, in fact, part of that future in the making. The wrong word, the wrong choice of priority, the wrong approach to a challenge can all mean the difference in one course through life or another. And, despite what some might try to tell you, not all paths are equal through this life. It was Pablo Picasso, the famous artist, who said, “I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” Sometimes the hardest paths are the most rewarding not because they were hard to overcome but rather because if we only succeed at the paths we know, then we never grow, never evolve, and never mature.

This is not to say that we cannot make the best of the choices we have already made. But it is better to make wise choices and work through any difficulties than to make unwise decisions and have to live with the consequences. Sometimes we must walk that path twice. Once to learn the path. Twice to appreciate the path itself. And even sometimes we might just have to walk it a third time to enjoy that we had the opportunity to walk that path at all.

Whoever said that the future is unknown and capable of anything was right. Our future is moment by moment, word by word, thought by thought, action by action. My child, never forget to watch where you are walking. Just because you have your head in the clouds and your eyes on the horizon, you must also make sure that your feet are not sloshing through the gutter.

Category: 4-Thoughtful Thursday, Life  | Leave a Comment
Light Speed. Full Ahead.
Wednesday, 17 December 2008 at 10:30 AM | Author: bishop

WooHoo! It’s Hump Day again! I’m still not getting humped like some others around, but you only get what you give and since I’m not giving … well … ’nuff said. Except this: I have discovered that choosing friends and family over fucking is really, really rewarding. Not that the latter is unimportant. It’s just pale in comparison when you really get your head out of your ass and figure out priorities. Totally amazing.

What’s on the agenda for today?

Nadda. Yay for nadda!

Today is a bit weird. I’ve been nearly passing out at night for the last two around 10:00-10:30. So I’m actually getting quite a bit of sleep. It feels like this whole semester and time of personal trial has finally caught up with me. My face and back broke out. My brain isn’t functioning for higher purposes. My primal urges are harder to control. My emotional state is a bit fragile still.

But, quite frankly, I rock.

It is said that you’re supposed to let others praise you and learn about how great you are.

But, uh, hello?

I still rock.

Fine. For those who like to look at things realistically, I pebble.

But a pebble in a puddle is still a big splash!

And I’m okay with that.

This week has gone quietly so far. Until this morning. But I’ll overlook that for now. I am in a good head space right now. Money is crappy, but life is good. It could be better and it’s getting there. I’m learning. That means I’m growing. That means I’m evolving. That means I’m becoming a better person for myself, my child, and whoever else decides to share this life with us. And I still hold on to hope. It keeps me going sometimes.

The rest of the week year appears to be going nonstop. There is only one thing that could slow it down, but I don’t see that happening no matter how much I may wish it. Some people go out of their way to ensure that they create tension rather than harmony. So we don’t have to worry about that for a while even if I was quietly wishing to “worry about it” anyway.

Thomas Jefferson once said, “In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.” I’m certainly trying to swim with the changes while remaining firm on my principles. It’s interesting to me to see how much my principles haven’t changed but I have a massive new perspective on them. Rather than seeing them as fluid and evolving, I saw them as rigid and confining. As someone said this morning, I had become a shut-up tower, a castle that was impenetrable from the outside. I so wish I could say how much I am sorry to people affected by that. But it’s true. That’s precisely and completely true. It’s never who/what I wanted to be, but it’s what I became. I think I have most of the edifice removed now. I hope so at least. And I’m continuing to look for more to tear down and open myself back up to love, life, joy, and passion.

That’s it. That’s all I got folks!

Until later … later!

Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Friends, Life  | Tags: ,  | Leave a Comment
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