Archive for the Category » 3-Hump Day «

End of a Lie. Start of a Life.
Wednesday, 31 December 2008 at 9:39 AM | Author: bishop

It’s Hump Day again! If you’re getting laid tonight, raise your hand!

Right.

Never mind. That’s way too much information even for my blog.

But tonight’s the night, right? We get to watch the old pass away and the new come into being? Funny how we memorialize this one day a year for such observation and yet this is something than happens every single moment—if we can but see them as such.

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I realized quite some time ago that they were worthless. They never get done and are really only good for making one think they are doing something productive. I started a habit of making a To Do List. But even then it turned out to be more of a Wish List than anything productive. I got many things done off that list the last two years, but it was still very unfulfilling. Granted, I now know why on a interpersonal level but even that can’t be used an excuse all the time.

This year there is no spoon list. Jinx and I aren’t just turning over a new leaf. We’re turning over a whole new forest. By the time this new year is over, life will be very, very different and I doubt that many of the superficial things that exist now will continue to exist for very long. But having no list doesn’t mean there are no goals.

I need to socialize my child. And this means on an adult level as well. He needs to learn how to properly behave around adults in a mix. He needs to learn how to converse with adults from his own young perspective. But this also means that some of the dependencies that are a natural result of my early parent-child bonding experiment need to be redirected in a healthy manner. And I’m going to tap some friends to help me with this. Part of realizing that my child has needs is recognizing that I have limitations, I’m not superman, and I can’t do it all alone. Both friends with kids and those without kids are potentially amazing role models and teachers for a child who needs to learn how to interact on a more mature level. I’m going to figure out how to ask for that help of my friends without the guilt of feeling like I’m imposing on them. As I found in the last part of 2008, friends seem to not be as put out with you as you imagine them to be if you’re just straight-forward and honest about your boundaries, goals, needs, and desires. It’s amazing not merely what a personal honesty but an open honesty can do for relationships.

I need to socialize myself. Raising a child is no excuse to sit at home doing nothing. Granted, Angelus seems to be changing that rapidly, but there is also the sense of having to “get over the guilt” of just grabbing a sitter and going out for a couple hours. It’s complicated to explain (and so I won’t here with any depth) but I’m uncomfortable with the idea of “dumping” my child somewhere with someone and walking away to “have a good time” or whatever. Even though I’m his father, I feel like that I’ve been playing babysitter for someone else who would rather fuck around in life than have a focus on family and child. I don’t want to be like that, but yet recognize that decompression time is necessary and healthy for us both. I’ve found a kid “lock-in” here in Lewisville that is four hours of games and playtime for kids every Saturday night. That’s plenty of time to grab dinner and/or a movie and some alone time, and it’s incredibly affordable (cheaper than a sitter for the same amount of time).

I need to get my home in order. This means on every level. Financially, I’m sure, things are probably not as bad as I think they are. I have to be more assertive in some areas that I’m not used to dealing with, but I have some good friends around who are able and willing to help out in those areas to ensure that I’m learning what I need to learn to improve my money management skills. Unlike some who have money to burn for lack of responsibility, every penny counts here. And it’s not like we’re hurting. It’s not that. It’s just that I’m not always the wisest spender in the world. I’d rather be having fun than paying bills. And I have to get a grip on how to have a good equilibrium in that area. But there are other aspects of my home that needs to be adjusted. And that will happen slowly over time as the needs and the resources to fulfill those needs become apparent.

I need to focus on adjusting my worldview to an even more appropriate and fulfilling perspective. I mentioned to a friend last night that I am, literally, starting out 2009 by serving someone. Not in any slave or submissive position that I’m moving into (which was the obvious first connections we both made in our heads and I guess is logical to think under the circumstances—but, sorry, just not that kind of a guy), but along the lines of a perspective to which Jez introduced me that rejects the “I need to fix or be fixed” and “I need to help or be helped” mentality and promotes the worldview that goes along with “I desire to serve and be served.” I’ve been in service throughout my entire working life. From being a waiter at TGIFriday’s to technical support in my current position, I have worked at serving others in some capacity. But I have never, that I can see, translated that into my own personal life with my relationships, friendships, and family. It’s about time that I learned how to do that effectively (and I am still learning) and then share that with my child. The sooner that he sees people are only broken in their perspectives and not broken as people he can promote healthy relationships and engagements with others that are not based on the illusion of piecemeal people but the whole of the Divine within each individual.

I need to focus on my Total Wellness Program. I’ve gotten off on a good start there. But I’d like to keep that dynamic and adjusting so that I can start thinking in those kinds of terms—equilibrium, health, service, tranquility, resolution—and continue on as such. I need to focus on releasing much of the bitterness that I have over the past. That’s over. That’s gone. That’s dead. I hope never to face that again, ever, and it’s just finally disappeared. But that’s difficult. A great deal of emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual investment went into that past. Love went into that past. And it’s hard to let it go. But, I guess, better late than never, right? One cannot live in the past but only press forward and live each moment in the future-now.

So today is the true Hump Day. It is the crossing from one year to the next and not merely the crossing of the beginning of the week to the ending of the week. And in this case it is the movement from the ending to the beginning all over again: the ouroboros effect, so to speak.

It’s an exciting time of marked and physical change. And the new year promises to bring all new challenges and adventures.

Happy New Year to everyone! May your new year bring you what you least expect and more.

Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Friends, Goals, Holidays, Life  | Tags: ,  | 2 Comments
Xmas Hump
Wednesday, 24 December 2008 at 9:42 AM | Author: bishop

I sat in the parking garage this morning and cried. I’m not so sure it was frustration as it was relief. I had been thinking about today’s Hump Day posting and how I could express anything at all that I felt inside, the events that led up to today, or anything that really matters to me at the moment. I thought, “I’m afraid to breathe. I’m afraid to move. I’m afraid that I’ll wake up and this will all be a bad dream.” And how many times I’ve wished that I would wake up and this would all be a very bad dream. My soul has been ripped apart by selfishness. My light has been darkened by deception. My love has been smothered to death by spite.

But there is hope in the breaking dawn.

And then I heard this on the radio …

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself
Lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

The irony was as amusing as it was painful.

And I lost it on the final verse pulling into the parking garage, but I knew the direction I needed to go today.

Afraid to Breathe

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a trepidation in my heart. Was it real? Was it over? If I breathe will it dislodge this truce or peace or whatever it is that just happened? Could I trust my assumptions based on the observations of evidence or was it merely another deceptive calm before another violent storm?

I’m paralyzed but yet not comatose. Did I make my point finally? Was I clear enough? My intents are honorable even if the results could be wildly misunderstood[1]. But if I open my mouth to breathe, will that all blow away? Will it just be another episode in a season of bad reruns?[2]

Water GoalsIs it safe to admit that I’m still afraid to breathe? I’ve been gasping for air for so long, that the chill in the night air cuts through my soul and leaves me bitter and cold. But there is a warmth in the knowledge of freedom. The blood begins to circulate again. The scent of love hangs ever so loosely in the air like a potpourri of variety and humanity, of passion and possibility, of safety and new experience.

Dared to Move

Wood GoalsI’m glad she has a new family for the holidays. No one deserves to be alone and without family. We are spending our time, starting today, with old friends and new friends and, over the rest of the holidays, the core of our possibilities. We are living our future-now. We are creating that future-now, minute by minute, day by day, even moment by moment. Jinx was sitting at the door this morning putting on his shoes as I came in from walking Zoe. He looked up at me with the biggest grin and said, “I love you, Dad! I had a great dream last night about you and me and Zoe going on vacation together.”[3] It just doesn’t get any better than this. He is excited about tonight. He’s excited about tomorrow morning. He’s excited about ice skating on Friday[4]. He’s excited because he’s decided that his mind is a T-Rex and his soul/spirit is a Velociraptor. I just wish I could remember what conversation precipitated that decision on his part. He is child: hear him roar.

But now what? If I have been truly handed my wish here, now what? Am I truly, now, beholden to no-one? Could this be real? Finally?

Metal GoalsI know, first, that we will memorialize this day[5] next year by burning four reams of paper and moving forward into Year One[6] without defenses, without weapons, and without the terror of betrayal hanging over our heads. But where I thought I used to trust easily enough, I have learned to be suspicious of everything, of everyone, of every movement that is not my own. I will hold my swords in check for the moment until I am secure in my own mind that this is not merely another illusion woven to pacify the rage. Should I be betrayed again, it will be the last time and I will bring both of them down so hard and so fast it will sever all connections permanently and without recourse. For now, though, I have hope of a future peace and reconciliation—though I am quite sure that it will be very different than I had originally hoped. There might even be an opening for friends. Only time will tell should this future-now remain intact as it stands today.

I know, second, that I’ve been handed a gift. A very precious gift. No matter what anyone will say—and I have heard it all—I am grateful for this. I am humbled by this opportunity. No. Admittedly, this is not what I had in mind for the rest of my life nor what I had in plan for my life. But it is what it is and I accept that I am both an jackass over this and a very passionate father who would do anything to protect his child. I can only regret that I was not this passionate and this insistent over Ian. I should have listened. I should have done the right thing then. And it should be absolutely no surprise to anyone that I would not make the same mistake twice.

But if this is truly real, if this is truly happening the way I asked, then I have twice the burden of responsibility because now I’m faced with the responsibility of truly sharing the life of a child with others in ways that are daunting and difficult and open to incredible amounts of criticism. Am I doing things right? Am I holding his best interests at heart? Am I ensuring that our life remains an open book, hell or high water, paradise or prosperity? Will we get slaughtered every time we stumble or hurt ourselves trying to climb another mountain? Will we ever hear praise for our successes and our happiness no matter how that is found?

We will not hide from anyone.

But we have set our eyes on the east, accepted the dare, and have begun to move again.

And what a glorious ecstasy it will be when we can see the sun through the first rays of morning and the ocean of experience is wide open for exploration and rest.

A Reluctant Dream Backup Plan Within a Dream

I’ve always known that I wanted a child to raise on my own, beholden to no-one, solitary and yet never really alone. Women have always been just a temporary expedient to that goal.

Until I met her: that One that would alter my life forever and change my worldview so dramatically that one might suggest that I’ve lost my religion over and over again because of her. I’ve compromised more in my life for her than for any other reason. She was the dream of a reality that I never knew existed until I was living that reality in her arms and in her heart.

And then my dream of being a single father turned into a reluctant backup plan in the case of disaster that I thought could never happen. Bumps and bruises, scrapes and sprains: all part of a relationship that is ever evolving and growing and pushing the boundaries of the possible.

I was wrong.

And now here I sit with a reluctant backup plan in my hands reshaping that dream from a nightmare that I didn’t even see coming. Hindsight is 20/20, to be sure, but I was blindsided by the trauma and forced into a corner to fight back with tooth and with nail.

Metal GoalsBut this is a precious child here. And I have an awesome responsibility now, alone, to do the right thing and raise him so that everyone is proud of the way he turns out. I can no longer point a finger and say, “… just like your mother.” I can no longer point a finger and say,  “… fucked up role models.” I can no longer point a finger and say, “… bad behavior of others at home.” I can no longer point a finger and say, “… not my doing.” They say that one should be careful what they wish for. No shit, right? But this is my original dream in motion. I accept the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the successes and the failures. I accept this wholeheartedly.

How Jinx turns out in life will be my indictment as a parent—for better or for worse—and no one else’s.

I can live with that.

And I am grateful for this gift I’ve been handed with trust and love (whether or not it’s seen as such by anyone else, I see it that way) and will honor this gift as best I can.

Namaste.

innervox

  1. … or even maligned by the wrong impressions or wrong interpretations or just malicious mischief of the malevolent [↩]
  2. There is a reason why I consider those who have more television hours than literary hours to be substandard individuals. Literature opens the mind no matter how many times you reread something. Television merely offers never-ending reruns of canned laughter and unimpressive drama which is then played out in real life as if some kind of template for reality. [↩]
  3. This is significant, to me at least, in that he had his first nightmare in the apartment night before last. [↩]
  4. Granted, I’m going to have to wipe out my savings again because I just don’t make enough to pay all this crap that I was left with to pay alone. But I’ll manage. I know people with less resources and worse paychecks doing just fine. Once we get rid of some of the carry-over debt from R/ED™ we’ll be just fine. But most of that is what is actually killing my funds. Well, that—and the awful timing of when bills actually hit. A budget looks great on paper and would be awesome if one could just pay everything one time a month, all at the same time, and be done with it. But that’s not how things work. Though I do wonder if it’s possible to contact everyone that wants to get paid and rearrange billing dates so that it is the same date every single month …? Hmm… It might mean having to pay a little extra one month to catch up or something, but I wonder …! [↩]
  5. Actually, it would be 12 December. [↩]
  6. We enter, right now, our Year Zero. [↩]
Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Health, Holidays, Life  | Tags: ,  | Leave a Comment
Light Speed. Full Ahead.
Wednesday, 17 December 2008 at 10:30 AM | Author: bishop

WooHoo! It’s Hump Day again! I’m still not getting humped like some others around, but you only get what you give and since I’m not giving … well … ’nuff said. Except this: I have discovered that choosing friends and family over fucking is really, really rewarding. Not that the latter is unimportant. It’s just pale in comparison when you really get your head out of your ass and figure out priorities. Totally amazing.

What’s on the agenda for today?

Nadda. Yay for nadda!

Today is a bit weird. I’ve been nearly passing out at night for the last two around 10:00-10:30. So I’m actually getting quite a bit of sleep. It feels like this whole semester and time of personal trial has finally caught up with me. My face and back broke out. My brain isn’t functioning for higher purposes. My primal urges are harder to control. My emotional state is a bit fragile still.

But, quite frankly, I rock.

It is said that you’re supposed to let others praise you and learn about how great you are.

But, uh, hello?

I still rock.

Fine. For those who like to look at things realistically, I pebble.

But a pebble in a puddle is still a big splash!

And I’m okay with that.

This week has gone quietly so far. Until this morning. But I’ll overlook that for now. I am in a good head space right now. Money is crappy, but life is good. It could be better and it’s getting there. I’m learning. That means I’m growing. That means I’m evolving. That means I’m becoming a better person for myself, my child, and whoever else decides to share this life with us. And I still hold on to hope. It keeps me going sometimes.

The rest of the week year appears to be going nonstop. There is only one thing that could slow it down, but I don’t see that happening no matter how much I may wish it. Some people go out of their way to ensure that they create tension rather than harmony. So we don’t have to worry about that for a while even if I was quietly wishing to “worry about it” anyway.

Thomas Jefferson once said, “In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.” I’m certainly trying to swim with the changes while remaining firm on my principles. It’s interesting to me to see how much my principles haven’t changed but I have a massive new perspective on them. Rather than seeing them as fluid and evolving, I saw them as rigid and confining. As someone said this morning, I had become a shut-up tower, a castle that was impenetrable from the outside. I so wish I could say how much I am sorry to people affected by that. But it’s true. That’s precisely and completely true. It’s never who/what I wanted to be, but it’s what I became. I think I have most of the edifice removed now. I hope so at least. And I’m continuing to look for more to tear down and open myself back up to love, life, joy, and passion.

That’s it. That’s all I got folks!

Until later … later!

Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Friends, Life  | Tags: ,  | Leave a Comment
Looking Forward. Maybe.
Wednesday, 10 December 2008 at 9:11 AM | Author: bishop

It’s Hump Day again! I’m still not getting any, but at least that whole “living alone and getting laid” seems to be just soo emotionally satisfying beyond belief. I can’t wait until that actually works for me too—if I can ever find the time to be that shallow.

Epiphanies out the ass yesterday!

Fucking cold as hell this morning. 29° but with a wind chill making it 16°. Shit!

Fire GoalsToday is my Biology final. I’m already not any good with tests, but this class makes me paranoid. I haven’t done very well and my personal trials haven’t made this my best semester either—even if three out of four classes are A grades. I’d just like to walk away from this thing with at least a C in it. I just don’t know that I’m going to even make that this time. Hopefully Astronomy will be more interesting.

Wood GoalsJinx and I have a busy couple of weeks coming up.

He’s been invited to spend the first of his holidays with some school buddies whose parents are all going to be rotating homes for several days and watching the kids so they can all play together without putting out the parents in other areas of life (like work!). He’s so excited already.

I have lunch with Jez on Saturday (assuming she’s feeling better by then).

I think I’m going to try and get Angelus to go to the Winter SolistiCelebration on the 19th with us. But I’ll have to see how things progress up to that point. If not, I guess we’ll just go it alone this year: family not being worth anything as it used to be.

We have a couple of tentative invitations for Xmas day—those “well, we’re not sure what we’re doing yet, but if we’re open we’ll probably invite you and Jinx over for Xmas dinner stuff” kind of things—but I’m not holding my breath on any of them. My expectation is that we’ll doing something small that morning (based on whatever I can find to pick up between payday and that day) and then go find something else to do for the day. I want to take Jinx ice skating at some point but I don’t know that the rink will be open on Xmas day. If it is, by some weird fluke, then we’ll probably do that then (and I’ll call it another gift for him). It’s not. So it’ll have to be Xmas Eve or the day after when they are open. I doubt he’ll mind which day it is.

Water GoalsThe holidays are going to be quiet, generally, even if busy for us. While others are doing corporate coworkers parties for Xmas and New Years and decking the hotel rooms with whatever temporary cheer that comes with such pathetic holiday spirit, we’ll be exploring our future and enjoying the re-building of our family on our terms. I’m not going to get dragged into the idea that “living alone and getting laid” is actually something that brings Joy to the World, to our families, or to our own lives.

January … well, January is another topic for another time. It’s going to be a roller-coaster to be sure. School. law suits, new directions, oh my! I have to start working on what school I need to aim for next. And, I am so lost here. The problem is being conflicted in what I don’t want to do over what I really know I need to do. I’m still stuck on a hook of my own making and haven’t really been able to convince myself emotionally that I want off that hook at all.

I keep hoping for a miracle.

That’s it for today. I have to spend the time cramming for this exam. Wish me luck!

Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Friends, Goals, Holidays, Life, School  | Tags: , , ,  | One Comment
Holiday Hump Day
Wednesday, 26 November 2008 at 8:32 AM | Author: bishop

Anyone getting in a little humping over the holidays? Yeah. Not me either, though I bet there are plenty of people who will get some. Anyone up for a holiday betting pool?

Did you hear the joke about the first Thanksgiving? The one about if the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey for that first dinner instead of a turkey, we’d all be getting a piece of ass this upcoming holiday …?

I promise not to give up my day job until after I finish school. And I promise not to go into comedy. Really.

For those who were asleep, yesterday was indeed my hatch day. For those who weren’t paying attention, I even gave the year of my birth—ironically, the same year as the establishment of the Church of Satan. A coincidence? I think not, my dear friends[1]. The only complaint I have is that my half-heartedly promised birthday gift never showed up, but I’m rolling with the disappointment. It’s not like this was unanticipated. In fact, I think I even said so before I reached yesterday. Not that it was a difficult prediction. However, my highlight was a handsome young man who decided that he wanted to take me to dinner. And so we ended up at Olive Garden, which just so happens to be one of my very favorite places to eat. I had my usual salad, breadsticks, and soup while he had a pizza and milkshake.

This will make Gerald smile:— Jinx and I are participating in the “Guest at your Table” program with our church[2]. It is little more than a box to catch loose change, but the opportunity to talk over dinner about various world issues—such as children not being able to have dinner or not having computers or a Playstation—has been quite remarkable. Jinx opens up and asks questions and I have to find answers, so it’s becomes an excellent dialogue for us both as well as putting our money, however little it may be, to use in something other than our own gratification-oriented whims[3]. Hopefully I will be able to use this as merely one in the beginning of lessons toward how to look beyond one’s selfishness, insecurities, and primal urges to see other people as part of the same web of life to which we all belong and then to do something about it.

We are not going out of town after all but we will be otherwise occupied for this holiday unless something else comes up that is more worthy of our time. Given certain other experiences of the last 48 hours, I’m remaining flexible to see if maybe family actually does take priority over anything else. We also already have our “tree trimming” plans at church since my offer for a hard-to-get-tickets-for rock concert on the same evening was turned down. And, later in the month we will be going with our church’s pagan earth-oriented spirituality group to the 16th Annual Winter SolstiCelebration (link to PDF event flyer) down at the Cathedral of Hope.

We’ve been working around here in the homestead on the concept (and consequences) of lying. I have a private post about a conversation I had with Jinx over this, but I’m not making it public[4]. But we had a scrap last night over a lie about his nighttime medicine. So, at nearly 1am, he was still awake because I trusted him over my instincts. Since I would hate to be wrong and overdose him, I rolled with it. Granted, it is a holiday night (along with the rest of the week nights this week, of course), but that does not excuse lying. I couldn’t decide on the fly how to deal with it other than I told him that I was disappointed and I would discuss it with him in the morning. Given my new policies on dealing with infractions (rather than the heated, angry method I’ve used in the past—trying to get away from heated and angry in total), I may just have him spend an hour cleaning this morning before starting his day.

Oh. A quick interlude here. Let me tell you: horny goat weed rocks. That’s all I’ll say for now. LOL!

Random Fact: Do you know why Alcoholics Anonymous fails more often than not? While I would only love too much to say that it was the fallacy in principles on which it is formed, alas, I would have to admit that such a goal would be just as fallacious and spiteful rather than truthful. No, in fact, the reason why Alcoholics Anonymous fails more often than not is because their meetings provide coffee (and usually donuts or breads stuffs of some kind) to alcoholics[5].

I think my dog is sick again. She’s acting mopey and apparently performed another Houdini trick out of her cage to go throw up in my living room. Still trying to figure that one out. She doesn’t seem to have any other symptoms at the moment, but I know that she needs to go to the vet for a check up in January (when I can afford it).

So today is officially the first day I start working on holiday plans. What to do, where to go, who to do it with (heh. sorry, my brain is definitely in the gutter this morning), what food to prepare, etc etc. I picked up a huge grapevine wreath from one of the Freecycle lists and I plan on stripping it down and making something with it for the holidays too. Was thinking about making that a family project, but we’ll see.

Overall … a good week so far. We’ll have to see how the rest plays out.

innervox

  1. Heh. I’ve always wanted to end a sentence like that! [↩]
  2. … of which the decision was made final yesterday afternoon by Jinx that we’ve officially adopted this church as our own. [↩]
  3. I did ask his mother to participate in her own way if she could but I received, of course, no response to that email—since it probably didn’t make her feel attacked or put her on the defensive. Here I am trying to teach my son about a love that is beyond mere words and spasms and any expression of that kind of love between adults is seen as something to blow off and ignore. Great role model material, to be sure. Fortunately, he doesn’t know I asked her, so he can’t be disappointed like I am. [↩]
  4. It’s available to most who already have registered accounts here should they wish to go find it. [↩]
  5. I’ll have an entire post on this—the food stuff, not the AA stuff—later in the week sometime. [↩]
Category: 3-Hump Day, Church, Family, Health, Holidays, Life  | Tags: , , ,  | Leave a Comment
Not Me Again
Wednesday, 19 November 2008 at 11:18 AM | Author: bishop

Just shoot me now.

It’s Hump Day and once again it’s not me who’s getting humped. But at least we have that out in the open too. Shame. There are some things that do not have compromises. And there are some things worth fighting for in life. And there are some things worth destroying people’s lives over.

Sex is not one of them. But apparently sex is so important to some people that they will do anything to ensure they get it at the price of losing everything else in life[1].

Bear with me here: this is a true story.

I have this friend who is faced with some unbearable choices. I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes. He and his wife just finished their divorce[2] (as in, it was final last week) and the reason she started the process was because he decided that his sex life (of which she was a part but just not a major part) was more important than even their own kids. They had only been married for five years and were together one year before that.

I doubt I have to tell anyone who got sole custody of the children. The reason? The judge specifically said that a spouse who wouldn’t be faithful to his wife couldn’t be faithful to his children and should have limited to no contact with them based only on her willingness or lack thereof at any given time. He’s devastated. I spoke with him at length because I feel like I’m in a similar situation. Choices have consequences. But if we can live with those consequences, make those choices. The fact remains, he didn’t believe that his actions and activities with another woman would impact his relationship with his kids (he has four kids). It was just sex. He had no intention of moving in with her. He wasn’t even trying to leave his wife. But he got himself a cute piece of ass and wanted to keep it on the side while telling his wife that it was her fault he was emotionally distant. And now, while still able to see his children because she (allegedly, I don’t know this as a fact) thinks that he might change his mind someday, the judge effectively ripped his life apart and then gave him the max amount of child support Texas can give: 50% of his paycheck to his ex-wife all because he refused to participate in the offered counseling that his wife (the cheated on party who didn’t have to do a damn thing if she didn’t want to) tried to set up[3].

The only thing I could say to him was: Moron. Here’s a woman who loves you with the ability to have a second shot to clean up your act, keep your kids, rebuild your marriage, and learn to love your wife the way she deserves. I doubt she was perfect either and I don’t know her at all. Never met the woman. But no-one is perfect. But even now, he was out to see this other chick over this past weekend. I know because I overheard him talking about it to someone else. He’s stopped telling me about his affair since I told him two months ago that the piece of ass wasn’t worth losing his children or a woman who apparently still loves (loved?) him. So, personally, after I found all that out, I told him just this morning: you are an absolute idiot and you deserve what you get. If someone offered me a chance to keep my family together because I screwed up, I would do anything I could to find every flaw in me, in my relationship, in my partner and start immediately to work on correcting those issues openly and honestly.

Granted, my situation is a bit different. But I’ve approached it about the same way. Yes, technically, I am the wronged party here. But while I still have bouts of anger and hostility, for the most part I have retreated into a self-inspection of how my actions and attitudes contributed to this situation and how I might correct me to make the future better. The only thing I’ve asked in return is that I’m met with the same thing so that we might resolve this in a manner that is mutually beneficial and healing to our relationship and family. I’m not sure I see this as unreasonable.

Metal GoalsBut more importantly, I see the massive changes I’ve made in my life and I’m well pleased with the results. They are not complete by any stretch of imagination, but I’ve made more progress toward personal personality goals in the last two months than I have in the last two years. I’ve grown more in the last two months than I have in the last five years. I don’t say that to pat myself on the back. I say it because it’s true[4]. I’m actually starting to like who I am again. I’m actually starting to realize that I am worth something more than to be shit on because I can be (and am quite often) a jerk. I’m actually starting to see that my morals and my convictions and my goals are not the problem my life is facing. All of the above include the people I love, the family I want, and the mate I desire for the rest of my life. And that is not subject to compromise.

So what does any of this have to do with Hump Day? I sit at the top of a hump in life at the moment. Everything could slide one way or the other on such simple choices. It could slide downhill backwards into a mess of anger, resentment, and bitterness. Personally speaking, I think there has been quite enough of this, thankyouverymuch. Or it could slide downhill forwards to gain some momentum to reach the next hump and continue forward over the humps of life like a roller-coaster and we find enjoyment in life again.

I wonder which you would choose if you really had the choice in front of you? Would you choose a backwards hell or a forward motion toward change and happiness? Is that really a choice?

Yes. Yes, apparently for some, that’s actually a choice they have to think about.

Water GoalsNot me. I’m just pausing long enough to see if my special someone is going to actually strap on some skates, grab my hand, close her eyes, and trust me when I make that first push off the right foot this time.

Happy Wednesday to everyone! I hope all your choices in life make you ecstatically happy.

innervox

  1. And I really am one to make the price as expensive as possible. [↩]
  2. It seems like we have an epidemic of divorce in our company right now. I can count at least six different people with their relationships starting, in the middle of, or finishing up a divorce that all started around September. Weird. [↩]
  3. Apparently, she offered again in court to halt everything for counseling to avoid divorce, but the judge wouldn’t order it and my friend refused it again in open court and it was, he found out later, a major factor in the judge’s decision against him in the custody portion of the case [↩]
  4. Check my waistline if you don’t believe me! LOL [↩]
Category: 3-Hump Day, Family, Goals, Life, Love  | Leave a Comment
Bitter Hump Day
Wednesday, 05 November 2008 at 9:45 AM | Author: bishop

Oh. Look. It’s Hump Day already! The week is half over and I’ve accomplished so very little already this week.

I spent most of last night (and it continues off and on this morning in waves) in a massive panic attack even when the Xanex wasn’t helping. It was self-inflicted in some ways when I came to a sudden realization of a particular fact. It was very difficult to handle and I panicked instead of rationally thinking it through. As is becoming a standard response (that I’m not quite used to and still makes me quite agitated—to be polite about it), the one person that I really wanted to talk to abandoned me yet again. There is this level of frustration that I have with all this. I know. I know. I’m the one “doing it to myself.” But when you have someone that would rather sit on the fencepost and call it foreplay rather than actually go one way or the other over the fence, what happens is a conflicted and mixed bag of signals that is produced. If one was to read one set of emails, one would think that this whole process could have our family back together—though still in therapy, I can assure you—within the next 8-12 months[1]. Other emails would have one believe that this whole thing is merely a “favor” and there are no goals in place that are mutually agreed upon. I just don’t see the point of any of this if the latter is the “truth” of the matter here.

For the record: I’m tired of this shit and want my family back. The stupid people games that are being foisted on me here are so unnecessary, destructive, immature and juvenile, and way beyond any reasonable human patience[2]. If it wasn’t for my deep feelings that aren’t going away just because I needed some rope in my life, this wouldn’t even be an issue.

So my panic attack went on until about 3:45am. I paced my living room, tried to sit at my computer and read or write or stare at naughty pictures. Nothing was even interesting in the least. I was literally listening to a fist fight going on in my head over whether or not I was just a basic idiot in love or a major idiot who wasn’t taking the most obvious clues and actually doing something about it that would make me feel better by destroying about four or five different people’s lives[3].

In the end, the basic idiot voice won and I’m right back where I started. (A) I love her. (B) I’m still mad as hell over some behaviors and actions and attitudes. (C) I want to work this out, first, for her and me, and, second, for our family including Jinx and Lori (and Ian too in the really big picture). (D) I’m probably just being massively used here and strung along for little more than her cruel thrills that I just don’t understand. (E) I love her and that’s really all that matters to me in the end.

School

I guess I’ll get this back out in the open now, but I had intended on dropping out of school just a couple weeks back. I never got around to it, so I’m pleased to say that my grades are not horrible, I’m passing all my classes, and I seem to have fucked up over the weekend and turned in nearly all of this week’s homework over the weekend thinking that it was last week’s homework. Given that I’d already one last week’s homework, I thought it was just the stuff that I’d been too busy to finish and I turned it all in at the last minute. So this week is quite light and open (though I am doing some of next week’s homework this week now). But even so, I’m massively distracted and finding it difficult to focus. Before when this happened, I had someone there that could take me away for a bit, distract me (milkshakes, book buying, whatever), and then set me back on my course with a renewed focus. That’s gone. And that person just has absolutely no clue how much they brought to my life and yet can claim such lies about what our relationship was not when there were so many things that it was on a daily basis that we both took for granted.

Money

Money is going to be quite tight over the next two weeks. Since I have picked up all of our former two-paycheck debts and bills with my single paycheck, I’ve found that I am budgeting things quite well, thankyouveryfuckingmuch. However, given that my paycheck is not forgiving when I have to take time off—like last Friday to take Jinx to the doctor—then it is going to hurt. Also given that my rent was due on Saturday and even though I made arrangements (or so I thought) because of our special circumstances, I got the “late notice” today and my late fees are going to inhibit me from paying several bills that just cannot wait. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do yet with those. But it would also appear that we may be out our weekly food provisions on certain things because there just won’t be the money there for it.

Now, that said: I don’t know this for sure. I’m still feeling a bit panicky in the head (and quite tired) this morning, so it might just be my paranoia kicking in. I’ll have to just wait and see. I had already adjusted my paycheck to cover everything I could think of. Since the “loan” that I’m now paying “alone” (hahaha! I love alliterations!) is reducing in leaps and bounds now, hopefully that will be gone soon and that money will go back toward the family rather than company parties, gambling trips, and coffee time with family.

But, in any case, I can’t even get the out of date registration on my car done and if I get a ticket then it’ll cost me five times the amount it would if I could just get it done. But with everything that I was dumped with and not a single ounce of responsibility being taken for anything (without being prompted, that is, and I’m not a babysitter—or conscience—for a grown adult), I don’t have any extra money. I don’t even have money in sight for Christmas for Jinx[4]. And, I’m sure, that if she does actually come up with a counselor (which it looks like that is going to be yet another promise she doesn’t keep) that I’ll be expected to cough up something for it while she makes an enormous amount of money more than I do and has less bills going out now (and is a female so her “others” can pay for her to “go to company parties” or whatever they’re calling it now) and has absolutely no responsibility to anyone at all.

Bitterness

I’m having a bitter day, ya think? I even hate my job today. But not because my job sucks, but just because I can. (Isn’t that the stupidest excuse ever heard for anything?) I think this is just one of those days where I hate everything about life itself. And I can probably just blame that on lack of sleep, abandonment yet again by my “best friend,” lack of food, too much coffee, and a general apathy that continues to settle in making life very difficult to get excited about right now. I am capable of setting very realistic and reasonable goals, but I can’t get someone else—who they require in order to function—to actually get her tongue to work in my direction. Seems to work just fine for anyone else but me and that’s very frustrating to me. None of this is difficult or hard or out of the bounds of reasonable. It’s just, apparently, “complicated” by her lack of desire to tell the truth to anyone else or put an end to her activities to focus on what is important. Rather than work toward peace and harmony and resolution, she just keeps working to intentionally make me even more angry about this whole mess. I don’t really understand that logic. It’s not rocket science. It’s a conversation about tea that keeps being responded to with comments about milk. Totally infuriating.

But alas, it is Anti-Hump Day for me. This week has built up steam to today, and it’s all downhill from here. Right? I have enough tension and stress to kill anyone else in my shoes[5]. But I have no place, no one, no thing at all through which to facilitate release of that tension. I have more homework. And quite frankly the only thing I really want to do is lay in bed with someone, have the knots rubbed out of my back (maybe probably even reciprocate), and cuddle over several good movies with delivered Chinese food. And should anything more come of it, fine. If not, fine. Whatever. But that won’t happen either. I guess I just have standards at the moment that I’ve always had and I’m disappointed to see how low some people go when they have dumped me in their shitpile all because their favorite ball-gag or a piece of rope was more important than commitment and love. Bitter. Yes. And the continued antagonism of my standards and goals and commitment is making it worse rather than pushing me away. The tension levels[6] really are about to break me.

So much for Hump Day. I can’t even get my leg humped by a dog.

innervox

  1. And that’s being very, very overly generous since most reasonable couple’s therapy takes 6 months or less to get a couple back on the same page. But we both do have leases in different apartment complexes—which should have been a clue, I guess, that she was never serious about anything she said to me. But I’m the idiot in love, remember? [↩]
  2. There’s already circumstantial (i.e., implied, loose, unconfirmed, etc, etc) evidence that she’s already, literally, moved on to a new (previous?) relationship that is taking priority and won’t let her actually work out her family because … well … she’s already moved on to someone else. But there’s nothing firm and I’m too focused on her and me working things out that I just don’t care about them. That hellstorm is coming with or without our reconciliation and I feel no pity for them. [↩]
  3. And, no, for the record, she is not one of those people—I am, above all things, a man of my word: aside the fact that I have already proclaimed publicly and will continue to proclaim publicly this irrational but sincere and foolhardy love for this woman beyond all reasonable expectations in return. [↩]
  4. Though I think we may be going out of town for that holiday anyway so it may be a moot issue if so. [↩]
  5. And as things are going so far mentally and emotionally, I’ll probably not be long here anyway but no-one will care and the only person I want to notice just won’t anyway. It’s such a helpless, lonely, and totally dehumanizing feeling like this. [↩]
  6. …and the huge emotional ADHD/bipolar swings brought on by what appears to be intentional attempts to push me from one extreme to the other just to watch me bounce off walls. [↩]
Category: 3-Hump Day, Health, Life, Love, School  | Tags: , ,  | 3 Comments