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Day of Fire and Ice
Monday, 05 January 2009 at 12:36 PM | Author: bishop

Madman Two words: freezing rain.

I already don’t like to drive in bad weather. I already don’t like to drive in the dark. But driving in the dark in bad weather is insane!

I did it anyway.

I really needed wanted to be in the office today. Now I’m not so sure. LOL! Of course, getting here I was informed that I’d been nominated for a 2008 National Recognition Award around here. WooHoo! Never had that happen before. Not that it’ll come of anything, but that’s not the point. I’ve had a shitty year all around and even being nominated is just enough good news to come out of the year[1] to make it worth something around this place.

Random News Flash

Apparently I am now the only one allowed to called Jinx by that name. He’s settled on Tristan (with which I am just fine, of course, otherwise I wouldn’t have named him that in the first place) and wants to keep Jinx as our inner name.

We’ve been talking about the differences, similarities, and harmony of the inner person and outer person and why it is important that they work together. After hearing that individuals in some tribes use a temporary name or ‘inner name’ for a while and then settle on an ‘outer name’ later in life, he decided that Jinx would be his inner name and I could call him that, but it was too personal for just anyone to use anymore.

Just one more reason why I love my kid. Smart as a whip.

Now if I could get him to read like one … *sigh*

Home Building

2009 is going to be the year of home building; materially speaking, I mean. Well, I mean, also, that it will be more than material stuff, but we are going to start working on setting some tone and flavor to our home.

I picked up—free, of course: I truly, truly love Freecycle—a new full-size microwave and an older piano bench that will need to be refinished a bit.

Since I’m hurting for storage space, I wanted something that I could use for practical purposes if necessary or as needed but could also function for storage. It’s not a lot of storage, but I think it will work nicely for flat things (maybe papers?) or maybe even “office supplies” (paper, envelopes, tape, stapler, etc.) that aren’t used a lot but still need to be accessible. Anyway, it will be storage of some kind that will relieve space elsewhere for other things.

I’m already about 80 books away from being back to the previous inventory levels in the library. Again, I just love Freecycle. LOL! I just need more bookshelves.

And a sofa, chairs, and coffee table.

Hmm. I wonder if I can find a big square coffee table with underneath storage. Heh.

Work. Work. Work.

I. Don’t. Want. To. Play. This. Game.

There.

I said it.

I got it out of my system.

I truly hate the way things appear sometimes. Even though I’m told the numbers game doesn’t work the way I perceive it to work, I still have my doubts. Maybe, really, they are more about insecurities. The fact of the matter is that I don’t hate my job. I just don’t want to do it anymore. But I have to do it or I won’t be able to support myself to get to the job I want to do.

Catch-22. But it’s all good though. I could hate my job and not be able to get out of it or be able to have it flexible enough to go to school. So it could be worse. I’m grateful it’s not and my conflicts are merely with my pride rather than anything serious.

Miscellaneous Ramblings

We are talking about going to Barton Creek maybe for Spring Break. I’ll get some lessons in how to play golf and smear some ass in tennis. Not that I’m any good at tennis … I’m just saying I will …

But that also gives Jinx a ton of options for playing and getting out and … hell, he’ll probably just spend his entire time at the pool anyway. But since I did promise him once that he could “drive” a golf cart, that would be ideal.

Speaking of clubs and resorts, I start today over at Brookhaven in the fitness center. I’m going to take it easy this week mainly due to my knee still being messed up from ice skating, but it will be my intro-week, so to speak, so that I can get warmed up to the facilities and start my HIIT program sometime during January. Given that the club is on the way home, and it’s free, and it’s perfect for me, I think that it will work out nicely.

So long as I will stop baking things when pissed off at someone, I might actually start making my weight goals again. Then I can go back to be cute instead of curmudgeonly.

Speaking of cute, I’ll finish up with this story.

On Thursday and Friday afternoons … Wait. Let me back up.

Over the holidays one of the major problems I had was forgetting to give Jinx his afternoon medication. By 3:00-4:00pm he was all over the charts, frustrating the hell out of me, but it was too late to give them to him by that time. We would laugh about it, but there were some days that it was truly a challenge to stay moderate in my responses to some of his antics.

Fast forward again to Thursday and I once again forgot to medicate him right after lunch. But for most of the afternoon he was sullen and quiet, almost like he was sick. I asked him repeatedly what was wrong. “Nothing,” he would say every time.

Finally, I mentioned all this to a friend and she suggested that maybe he was going through a growth spurt and didn’t want to really talk about it. Fair enough. So I told Jinx my standard mantra of “you know you can tell me anything” and left him alone.

Until Friday when he did it again.

So I pressed him a bit harder and he finally broke down and told me. “Dad. I’m trying to stay calm and not be so hyper all the time.”

*sound of jaw hitting floor inserted here*

“If I can show you that I can be calm on my own without my medicine then maybe I can stop taking it and then I can have sugar again.”

It was everything I could do to keep from busting out laughing. He is so brave and headstrong. I love my kid.

So we sat and talked a while about the issue and what it would take. I know that three different people have told him that either they or their kids got off meds just because of what they were eating and that not everything without sugar was horrible. He wants to try on his own.

So we are going to work (slowly) on having “non-medicated weekends” starting in February.

But, when I was irritated the other night at being stood up, I made a red velvet cake. As I was icing it, Jinx walked in the kitchen and asked, “So I guess I can’t have any of that.” Not thinking at all, I responded, “Why not? It’s just a red velvet cake like we both enjoy sometimes. And I made it so it has to be good.” He sighed real big, rolled his eyes at me, and said, “Duh, dad. It has sugar in it!”

Needless to say, the cake is already half gone but I have a smile on my face every time I look at it.

innervox

  1. And, by this, I do mean for work. I have walked out of 2008 with quite a bit of good: my child, a better relationship with my dad and Ian, my health, still employed, an angel on my shoulder, a great place to live, an active life, friends, etc. [↩]
Category: 1-Manic Monday, Family, Home, Life, Work  | Tags: , , ,  | Leave a Comment
Whoa Boy! Easy Does It.
Monday, 29 December 2008 at 3:13 PM | Author: bishop

Ghost Rider

Life is finally slowing down.

I think.

We are finally reaching that point of calm around here. No huge fights over stupid things (no, “dusk” does not mean “after dark” to come home). Agreements on how to spend money (Star Wars figure or PSP game but not both if you want a flat screen television in January and another one in March). The emotional turmoil of being “alone” is rapidly ending for us both. It’s nice not to think about the past everyday anymore—which is, of course, only half true since I think about it constantly. Where did I go wrong? How can I avoid such a problem in the future? What is it that I really want out of life, love, and the universe?

Today, however, isn’t all that manic. Yesterday. Now that was manic. I think I’m going to have a code—cleaned house—for when I’m manic. Jinx and I cleaned from wall to wall (minus the library since I have some things I need to do in here first) and the place is spotless—including the bedroom closet. Again. It would seem that I make more than one person sick to death with my ability to keep a clean house and simultaneously raise a hyperactive child. LOL! However, I also have to keep in mind that this is a much smaller place than a house and much easier to deal with. Even the slightest mess seems monstrous to me and must be corrected immediately or it’s in the way.

2009 promises to be interesting. We’re gearing down for the year here at the beginning of this week and back up again at the end of the week. The midpoint will be, I know, something to remember. Finally. And at least this year will not be one I’ll spend alone while being cheated on and lied to my face. Again. 2009 will be the year of never looking back and it will be all about moving forward without regrets.

I am still missing some pieces out of my upcoming social network construction, but overall it’s all coming together nicely already. I still need a run through the Dartabase. *cough*hint*cough* But by this time next year, life is going to look very different. Or I think it will. It already looks very different. And happier.

I love Freecycle. Angelus and I have been talking about taking up racquetball (along with my about to be starting gym usage at the club) and I just picked up an older model but still good-as-new racket for nothing. Nada. Zilch. I might be picking up a new vacuum cleaner later too. Not that I need a new one, but I would like to have a newer one that has all the attachments that would make cleaning up in the little places much easier.

The day is absolutely gorgeous outside. I think Jinx and I are going to go hit a park (maybe with Zoe) after I get off work. There is a slight chill in the air but after Satan Claws gave him a winter-grade “Tony Hawk” hoodie, he is set as far as keeping warm goes. We might be in a bit of a bind if it gets cold and wet enough to snow or it rains that winter rain kind of shit, but for just general Texas cold he’s fine.

Speaking of getting things, I’m still hoping that my friend gives it up to me. Her couch, that is. I so want that couch for my living room. It would be perfect and is exactly what I want. Then I wouldn’t have to be entertaining on blankets on my floor—not that anyone’s complained so far—and it would look nicer all around anyway.

All in all a great day! A great life. And a lot of great adventure right around the corner.

Who says that those who fuck up the world and produce little more than gray clouds can take away the sun. No matter how depressed we may get, no matter how many times we may forget there is sunshine, it doesn’t take long for the light to penetrate our hearts and melt them down into little pools of happiness swirling in fields of desire.

Category: 1-Manic Monday, Home, Life  | 2 Comments
Is It Monday Already?
Monday, 15 December 2008 at 10:43 AM | Author: bishop

Can I fall over yet?

I didn’t really sleep last night. I was up most of it with really bad heartburn that happens every once in a while. It’s that sheer burning of the airways type heartburn. That’s nearly an hour to fix once it starts, but I never really sleep after that.

So I’m truly about to fall on my face here.

So much going on. So much fucked up. So much that just didn’t need to be this way. So much that is going to hurt even more.

Last Word

But that’s the way of life, right? We make our own beds, think it’s okay to lay in them, but then try to run from cleaning the sheets when we’ve made a mess. All I can say now is that I have been finally justified in every way, I have tried to make amends in every way, I have been rejected in every way, and, therefore, I have been released from everything by the sheer force of inescapable conclusions that no longer can be denied. Jinx and I are now free to walk our own way and go our own path in life without interference in any way. He and I made a new commitment last night to remain solid in our way, honorable in our deals, and steadfast in our rebuilding of a new family completely away from—rather than on top of—the ashes of the old. We will continue forward—just more rapidly now—since we cannot go back and we can no longer sit still, waiting, for anyone else to catch up. Our lives must not become unmoving. That’s not to say I don’t miss R/ED™ already. I do. Very much, in fact. But every door was opened, every means of using me as the whipping post was offered, and every excuse provided to entertain, and I would have willingly taken the blame even if it wasn’t my own. R/ED™ choice was blatantly and openly him over us. So mote it be and may she go that path in peace.

Holiday Spirit

Bah Humbug! No. Really. People are lunatics this time of year!

Next year, however, I’m working on an idea to create a rolling party that lasts from Halloween to New Year’s Eve. I think it would be fun. Worst case scenario, of course, will be Jinx and I working it out ourselves as a small gathering of friends for those nights but I’d like to plan and prepare something more formal. One of the reasons we moved into the house and made all kinds of plans originally was because we wanted to be more social. Of course, the result of ‘more social’ was not exactly the kind of social I had in mind when we had made those plans. Tragic, really, because we had the space and resources for so much more and it just wasn’t as important as “getting laid.” So next year is all about focusing on people and friendships and joy and fun. No more secrets. No more crap. No more lies. No more shitty people around.

Jinx deserves that much. And, so, yes: we will be celebrating every (major) holiday we can get our hands on this coming year. And we’re going to do it in style that The Boys should have been doing all along and to which we should be accustomed already but aren’t. We won’t be the “company party” dirty little secret anymore; denied, and insulted by the pathetic whims of the irresponsible. We will be the party.

Dart? Get ready. If we’re not throwing a party, we’re going to be looking for one every major holiday in 2009. Details can be discussed in private, of course, on those things, but life needs to be must be very different this year.

And, speaking of such things, the ornament gathering has been quite incredible. Thank you. We are still building our tree, so to speak, but our home is lighting up for the Solstice in ways we’ve never seen before. It’s awesome! I’m still not flipped out over the toys and boxes in the living room, but we’ll manage. We’re not having guests this year unless it’s of a very low key, laid back nature and we can roll with the whole blankets, fire, laughter thing without having to worry about furniture. (Still crossing my fingers for that couch I’m holding out for right now. That alone would open our home up to all kinds of possibilities. And, besides, I’d like to be able to work, write, and “deal” from a bit wider expanse than just my office. I’d like that to be a formal library instead and just work “wherever” in the apartment.) But we’ll manage.

Other Stuff

Have I mentioned yet how excited I am about next semester? Even the Speech class seems to be exciting me more this time around. But I’m quite anxious (in a good way this time) to get into my Cultural Anthropology class. I think because I already know the professor and have a very good rapport with him from having taken his Sociology class then I really do believe that I’ll do very well in this class and redeem my views of Anthropology as a subject.

I’d love to be a single person again. There is a complete lack of responsibility for any other human being, cash flow is all about whim spending, and generally one sleeps just fine at night without a single thought of anything beyond the primal urges: eat, shit, fuck, sleep. It must be nice.

That was sarcasm for those with tiny brains and missed it.

That said, my phone is out now. And, quite frankly, if it wasn’t for the need for it that I have with work, I’d not pay for it. As is, it’ll be Friday before it’s back on. Since I have so much extra expenses due to someone’s lack of responsibility in their own affairs, I’ve strapped on R/ED™ loan (in my name, of course, and now I see that was intentional for this purpose) with money that should have gone toward the care of a child instead of R/ED™ sex toy fund and I’ve already paid two past due bills for R/ED™ with another sitting in the queue pending the money to pay it for R/ED™ (because it has my name on it too—thanks to R/ED™ ). What’d I get? Nadda. A single daycare payment that threw everything out of whack and now forces me into an even worse financial situation with the daycare. So everything that I was going to buy for Jinx out of my paycheck goes to bills all due this week and only through the generosity of friends will he even have a Giftmas. But it breaks my heart that I can’t do it myself for him because I have to do everything else.

And to think: Satan Claws got R/ED™ a gift this year anyway. Sheesh.

And I really have to get out of this bitter mode. Seriously. I have the most excellent child and a great life now without all the bullshit and flagrant displays of insult and injury (like some have been saying for years now that I shouldn’t be putting up with at all). I should be happy about all this. I am. Really. See? Big smile here. =(

2009, baby. 2009. It’s going to be our year. I’m telling you: Jinx and I are going to rock in 2009. Watch out world! Here we come! (Or, at least, get that riot gear on quickly because we really are coming through! LOL!)

Plans, Plans, Plans

This coming weekend is going to start all the busy stuff. We have the Winter SolstiCelebration coming on Friday. Next week is the round-robin house time with Jinx’s friends, ice skating, dinner with friends, Giftmas itself, and just so much phenomenal time and activity that we won’t have time to just stop and worry about anything else. That will be nice, to be sure.

The week after that I work at home for three days, still tidying up plans for the New Years, and seeing if other things are going to work out sometime this week that will settle at least a couple “date” plans (not sure how to phrase that right, but I’ll go with “date” since … since … well, since I have no other word to use right now even if not really accurate. It’s not a “date”; just a friend. Sheesh. But a friend that would go places like a date so that neither are out of place as single? See? Yeah. Just doesn’t come out right.).

I really am about to fall on my face. I’m sure that’s affecting my attitude. Maybe I just need to eat.

Category: 1-Manic Monday, Family, Friends, Holidays, Life, School  | Tags: , , , , ,  | 2 Comments
Malevolentica Manica
Monday, 08 December 2008 at 11:22 AM | Author: bishop

Like my made up Latin for the day? Thought so!

I spent my weekend conflicted but calm. We had our Yuletime party at church and I got my tree up finally. We’ll spend this week decorating it in various ways. An email will go out later to friends to see if they will participate in the first annual ornament giveaway. Next year, we’ll turn it into an exchange when I have the actual time, wherewithal, and foresight to be more prepared for something like this. I think it will be fun. I think also, next year, I’m going to start promoting some kind of card/art exchange.

In January, I’m going to be starting up a blog “carnival” for thelemic/pagan/whatever authors. If you don’t know what that is, don’t worry, you will. I’ll be working out some of the details here over the next few weeks. I already have the “account” setup for the hub, but I still don’t even have a name for it yet. So I’m serious when I say it’s in the nascent stages of design and planning. I’d like to be able to have about six months of issues planned out ahead of time so that there is a good foundation to see if it will actually draw interest. It’s working in other religious communities like wildfire and it can’t hurt to see what it might do for ours.

I really need a personal manager that I can send on fishing expeditions and foundation building chores. I have too freaking much going on that there is just not enough of me to go around. Figuring out that I cannot do much more than survival mode on the paycheck I have is disheartening knowing that with two of us things were just fine and that abandonment allows R/ED™ to live care free while we wonder sometimes how bills will get paid. All things considered, I’ll never understand why those who have no responsibility, those who are cowards in life, and those who are disinclined to any kind of actual principles (moral or otherwise) are the ones who always seem to get ahead in this world. Those who are principled, good people suffer just for trying to do the right thing without compromise.

Bloody Catharsis

You’re everything that’s so typical
Maybe you’re alone, for reason
You’re the reason
(Beautiful) Just as beautiful as you are
(Pitiful) It’s so pitiful what you are
Should have seen this coming all along

I’ve been offered a form of emotional catharsis that I’m still considering. I’m not sure that I’m undisciplined enough to let go of my emotions in such a manner without a more forceful impetus. Whining (public, private, internally, externally, whatever) about one’s hurt feelings and emotional overload is not the same thing as actually dealing with those emotions. But to actually “let go” is something I’m not exactly sure how to do. Without trying to sound overly pathetic here, I’ve lived quite a sheltered life when it comes to certain things. Even through some of the most devastating situations I’ve always had R/ED™ there picking up the pieces and putting life back on track. Frankly, that just cannot be underestimated as a major factor of my own issues at the moment. She’s not merely in my veins; she is my blood.

Metal GoalsWhen I think of my own emotional context, even what people have seen on this blog and elsewhere, it is more like a pinprick in a water-filled balloon. You get a small, direct stream of leaking water from the balloon, but you can see the rest just sitting there behind the barrier holding all the rest in place, forcing it out that little tiny hole, and just waiting to burst out all at once. The idea that the balloon could burst is foreign to me. I think it would be overwhelming to anyone in the vicinity. I neither have the will nor the time for such release. Or do I? Maybe I need to make the time. But I still have this “letting go” hang-up I need to get through.

That said: due to control issues (and the mental/emotional blocks I know I have already) I’ve considered something more extreme: a bloody catharsis that takes the body over the edge and makes most all of these fluffy playtimes I see around me look like … well … fluffy playtimes for those trying to get laid—and I’m so not interested in sex right now. I’m not sure that there is anyone willing to go that far with me at the moment. I’ve come to the conclusion—not using my own words here—that the women around me that exhibit such proclivities [Edit: oops! should have added "except one" here] are players playing with other players. Nothing wrong with that: but stop making yourself all deep and dark and shit and just call it what it is: getting laid. And, personally speaking, I’m sick and tired of people thinking that they need to fuck over their mates just to get laid. So I’m thinking copious amounts of blood, pain, and barbarism. What could be done to my body—to be blunt—could never compare to what has been done in the most heinously barbaric manner to my soul by R/ED™. If the only way to move on is to remove the source of the “infection,” then it’s time to find a way to remove it the old fashioned way.

Water GoalsSo let’s find something that truly cuts to the core of it all rather than merely plays with red spots and bruises. Let’s find reality over fantasy. And then I dare some of these to bring their bullshit playtime around me again.

But, you know? bishop was born of a catharsis, a purging/deconstruction of the old to make way for the new that was so extensive it required a whole new persona, a whole new name, a whole new worldview. Nothing quite like that this time, but I will be changing my online persona (i.e., the secondary emails I use, the profiles I create, etc) to something more relevant to this particular change in life. I haven’t settled on anything specific yet, but it will follow a new line of an old thought. It will not, however, negate the current Eremitic Life foundation I’ve been building. This is real life. The other will merely separate out my online “life” for purely aesthetic reasons.

School, Work, and Finals! Oh My!

I still want to be able to work 20 hours a week and get paid for 60. Why is that so hard in this country? LOL!

Kidding.

Sorta.

This is my last week of school for the semester. I have my Biology final and lab practical this week sometime. I haven’t exactly worked this out yet. [Wednesday. This will be happening on Wednesday.] I have to be at a campus to take them and even though I’m not exactly planning on passing them (or passing them with flying colors), I still have to allocate about an hour for each one. My midterm and lab practical took me about 40 minutes overall for both, but I still planned for the two hours.

But, once this is done, I’ll be finished up here until January. (As an aside, I did make an A in Computer Lit—as if that was somehow unanticipated already. And my Cultural Studies grade was already posted and I made an A there too.)

In January, I’ll be taking Speech Communications, Introduction to Astronomy, and Cultural Anthropology (taught by the same professor I had for Sociology last year—so I’m just a bit excited about that!). Anyone that has a decent digital video recorder that I can beg from you or buy cheaply, I would certainly appreciate such a thing since I’m pretty sure I’m going to need it for Speech class.

Fire GoalsThat will leave one class open to complete Phase 1 of the Evul Master Plan. I’ll finish that up in Summer I and then graduate with the Associate of Arts—Humanities Emphasis there to move on. After that, things are still up in the air, but my goal is to find a university that will take me, has housing of some kind we can afford, and move us there. Ideally, it would be a university where I can stay through the last three phases so that I don’t have to keep running all over the place to finish up this plan and, just maybe, end up teaching there too. Granted, that’s a pipe dream, but at least I’m dreaming still. That’s got to be a positive sign for me.

Interlude of a Memory

Today is a bittersweet day for me. I long so much to do something but I know that someone else is already in my place, doing those things, filling my void, ripping apart 13 years of happiness and passion. So all I will say of today is this: Someday I hope you recall just how important these words are and how much you truly betrayed everything we stood for—”Our miracle lies in the path we have chosen together [and] the true magick of love is not to avoid changes, but to navigate them successfully. Let us commit to the miracle of making each day work—together.” The sad part is that had you actually kept this vow to me, we wouldn’t be in the mess that we are today.

Rules Free Weekend

We did a Rules Free Weekend this past weekend. It was partly because we had so much going on, but also to see if we could find different ways of providing motivation and rewards for good behavior. Since it was CartoonNetwork’s second sneak peek weekend for their online game, FusionFall, and he’s recently been given a City of Heroes/Villains account again, he wanted to pretty much stayed glued to the computer. (There’s another thing we need: this one has issues since we moved that it didn’t have before: not sure why, but things that she would play just fine now crash the machine. No idea why …) So we tried this and it worked out pretty well. We have some bumps to deal with, but I think that such a weekend once a quarter would be helpful for Jinx to just get out from under even some of his own rules that he made up for our home. It really does kind of release a lot of tension that builds up.

Not that he’s not a good kid the majority of the time, but I’m also trying to get him to see that some of the rules he made up are pretty superfluous in the big picture. I’m willing to follow them to set a good example, but I think he got caught up in the creative side of making these rules and didn’t really think down the road how they would weigh down some of his activities. Now he just doesn’t know quite how to admit that either they are dumb or that they need to be modified to something more useful. (This seems to be a common theme running through our family.)

Future, Future

I need to query the Dartabase soon. I am in need of a Personal (Information) Manager, Lifestyle Guru, Accountant, and Private Events Director. Heh. I think I’m finally up to my gills in babysitters, even if I do need one more for specific weekday nights for a support group thing—why would anyone put a group thing on a weekday night if single parents are going to attend? and especially on a school night? I don’t get it!. But I need to find someone I trust, has absolutely nothing more than platonic (or less) intentions in my home, and great with kids. I would prefer a teenager, actually, just because then all my bases are covered: no accusations of impropriety possible, no possibility of “taking over as mommy” (and even less of this chance if I can find a teenage boy that could play on Jinx’s level), and a complete lack of any interest beyond getting paid for the job. I mean, I know there are adult friends of mine that could handle this, but most have significant others—which is why they could handle this—and not really available for this level of need.

Jinx and I are doing fine. In fact, we’re doing fucking awesome. My dad commented yesterday that he’s highly impressed with our adaptability, our guts, and our drive. He even commented that he was telling one of my late mother’s friends at church about how impressed he was and especially that my home was much cleaner than his on a regular basis. LOL!

Yes, folks! He cooks, cleans, vacuums, walks the dog, works out, does laundry, even brings home a paycheck while going to school full-time, and all with a child in tow! What a guy! He just doesn’t do windows—not even in the buff. Sorry.

Oh. Right. And I’m still working on the new pictures. Just taking a bit longer than I anticipated and not really high up on the priority list right now.

Category: 1-Manic Monday, Family, Friends, Goals, Home, Life, School  | Tags: , , , , , , ,  | Leave a Comment
Where’s the Mania, Dude?
Monday, 17 November 2008 at 10:40 AM | Author: bishop

It would seem that winter is upon us. In every way. Work slows down. People get paranoid—including yours truly. And generally the attitudes of everyone around is just colder.

But then we are faced with a situation—again—where the demands are made which will force some of us to “create” a workload. That’s asinine. I’m sorry that some people are not efficient enough to actually do their own work. But don’t penalize those that are good enough to stay on top of things.

I am frustrated today, but I don’t really want to talk about it. If I talk about it—or think too much on it from here—I’m going to start drawing conclusions that may or may not be accurate. All I will say is that I’ve waited long enough for something more than platitudes and hugs.

We are not going anywhere for Thanksgiving or Christmas—which sucks. Jinx and I talked about it this morning and I guess I’m going to go buy a turkey since he wants one and I just ain’t cooking one. But, since I have to do that, I might go ahead and buy a duck anyway and cook it like I do every year. Or maybe not and we’ll just stay at home and hibernate. My holidays are starting to sour in my mouth and I really don’t want to spend my time building even more resentments than I already have.

I had a wonderful weekend.

I met Jez at La Madeleine’s in Grapevine and we spent over two hours just talking and eating. It was excellent. I gleaned a great deal from that conversation, much more than I expected. Not that I expected anything, I guess. This isn’t coming out right. I went with the sole intention of meeting an acquaintance and walked away with a friend, some invitations to things that I think will interest me in the long run, and a head full of ego-feelgood-awesomeness.

I then went to Amy’s—not The Psycho™, but my good friend—and watched The Golden Compass and had chili. It was just a good time all around.

Sunday was breakfast with R/ED™ and I walked away from that with such an amazing feeling. I was walking on air. Until today. But I went into that morning with no expectations (or rather no positive ones) and came out the other side feeling exactly what I’ve wanted to feel for some time now. Until today. But we all had a good time even though I was nervous enough to almost think I was on a first date. I burned just about everything too in my lack of focus. LOL! It was a terrible “first impression” if that’s what I’d wanted to make.

Okay. Now four hours later, today is starting to feel a little manic. But more for the feeling in the air than any actual activities going on.

I’m shutting down now.

Category: 1-Manic Monday, Family, Friends, Holidays, Life, Love, Work  | Tags: ,  | Leave a Comment
A Round of Usual For Everyone Please
Monday, 10 November 2008 at 9:05 AM | Author: bishop

There are times when I feel like I’m just hanging on the edge of sanity by my fingernails.

We’ve had a fairly usual weekend insofar as all the standard crap goes. The more things don’t change, the more they really don’t change. I guess it’s just a matter of personal expectations that are sorely misplaced. I think highly of certain individuals and most of the time I am not disappointed by those in whom I have placed such thoughts. But it’s difficult to come to grips with the disappointment when it does happen. I tend to get over it quickly enough but I’m usually always a jerk while I’m dealing with it.

I’ve discovered that one of my shoes is coming apart. Granted, I could have used the money with which I took Jinx to the movies to buy new shoes. Nah, not really. It comes down to priorities. His happiness or my shoes. It’s a no-brainer actually. My shoes aren’t going to fall off my feet because they are a bit warped at the moment. Jinx, on the other hand, deserves a lot despite all the other things going on right now. Part of his problem is the boredom that sets in with children of his kind. I was there. I just had different outlets and was part of a generation that nothing came without great effort to avoid telling anyone that I was bored. The alternative was worse. Much, much worse.

Work is … work. I’ve started sending out resumes elsewhere. I’m not getting anything back, of course, but that’s not the point. And, for the record, it’s not because of any dissatisfaction with my current job. I need to see what options are open or available to me elsewhere—and I don’t mean just another company in Dallas. I’m looking for something either in the Northwest or anywhere on the mid to upper East coast. All things considered, I’m starting to see a different picture and by the time I make up my mind it will be too late for others to change theirs. Choices have consequences. And once you give up the ability to change your course, you really can’t complain about the lot in life you chose when others close the doors to alternatives you could have kept with the tiniest of effort[1]. I haven’t given up hope yet since there is too much actually heading in the right direction: just very slow. But slow is better than nothing in my book.

My birthday is in two weeks and I want a rosary. I have something specific (and custom) in mind, but I doubt it’s really possible at all merely because of the expense. But I think I’m going to find a big bottle of something and forget that I’m getting older[2]. This has definitely been the Year of the Tower. I can only hope that the next cycle is equally as true to form as every other one. I need it. But they say that Karma is a bitch. And everyone hits this Year in their life too. I can’t wait to watch.

I’m trying to get most of Thanksgiving week off work (or work from home) so that I can be here for Jinx. I think we’re going to be spending that holiday with my dad and Ian with some of their friends here in town. Christmas is still up in the air but we might be going to Atlanta for the first time. Ever. That’s not final yet. So I’m not planning on it (and I haven’t told Jinx anything at all about it), but it would be really nice for him finally to have a Christmas around real family the way it was meant to be. And given that everyone in my family seems to be dying at a rapid pace, I think him being able to see his great-grandmother again would be a good thing for the moment. Not sure why, but I just have that feeling it’s a good idea right now.

School is rocking along. I haven’t had a chance to slow down at all to even figure out what next semester should look like. All things considered right now, I don’t want to overload anything since I have so much going on with the home front. I need to be able to find a state of equilibrium much better than I have up to now. And should a miracle happen since a miracle happened today, then I need to ensure that I have my availability open to ensure that I am fully engaging the processes toward goals that I sincerely want to reach.

Oh. My. God. I looked in the mirror this morning after getting out of the shower and I didn’t scare myself. That’s the okay news. However, I noticed that the cut in my hips is starting to show again. Jenn has a name for those, but I’ll leave that to myself for now. I can only say that there mere sight of those lines is enough to keep me pressing forward. No. No. I’m not anywhere close to what I’d like to be or where I need to be for my own health and self-esteem. But there are definite changes that are huge! Totally huge! And, quite frankly, today I look fucking hot. I even wore a belt. Okay. I realize that means absolutely nothing to anyone else but me, but that’s huge! Huge, I tell you. I’m going to begin the hardcore research this week on the fitness program I found to see if it’s the right one for me. If I’m not already at my milestone goal, then I’m ounces away and what does it matter now? I’m there. Time to get serious about getting back to the real thing.

Oh. And here’s the image goal. Granted, I won’t be identical. I’m not trying for that. But just so it’s clear that I’m not aiming for the Fabio look (did I just give my age away again?) and really am aiming for something reasonable (yet still hot), I offer the inspiration for my goal. And, PS: Yes, this is a real guy. No, I’ve never met him but he’s twelve years older than me. If he can look that way only working out three times a week, I can too.

Anyway … today seems quiet. It’s not manic finally. Not to say that it can’t turn that way. But, for now, I’m just in a kind of emotional stasis that feels awkward[3]. I know what I want in life. I know what I want in a relationship. I know what I’m willing to do for both. I know what I’m worth and that’s not something for just anyone. Despite my anger, pain, and insecurity, I’m not going to back down from the fact that I love a woman so much as to go through hell for her[4]. That may die in time, but I’m not counting on it.

innervox

  1. ”That’s when I realized I’m part of the problem. Not because I remind you. But because I couldn’t join you. So I left you alone. Don’t give up, okay?”
    —What Dreams May Come 1998 [↩]
  2. Of course, this won’t happen because it’s not my style, but it’s the thought that counts, right? No need to put any action behind it when the stray thought is good enough for most people. [↩]
  3. ”I feel like a little worm on a big fuckin’ hook.”
    —The Crow 1984 [↩]
  4. ”I forgive you.”
    “For killing my children and my sweet husband?”
    “For being so wonderful a guy would choose hell over heaven just to be around you.
    —What Dreams May Come 1998 [↩]
Category: 1-Manic Monday, Health, School, Work  | Tags:  | 3 Comments
Random Monday Ramblings
Monday, 03 November 2008 at 11:30 AM | Author: bishop

I’ll start with something really random and, of course, some people really won’t understand why this is even important, but … I am actually wearing my shirt tucked in today. This is a big deal indeed! I mean, to me it’s a big deal. I do have a goal that is specific (and I even have that goal in picture form from a real non-model human being!) and attainable. It’s not the classic six-pack or even some buffed out beach dude. It’s just normal in so many ways. It’s what I know can do and the end result I know I want. Oh. Yeah. And it’s a totally hot “older guy” look that will complement the “bald head image” that I seem to have cultivated and of which people are continuing to say nice things to me! I didn’t think I’d like it and it’s definitely a pain in the ass head to maintain, but I have no complaints right now.

I discovered my backbone last week in a box that I’d packed up a couple years ago and that just happened to make it into my hall closet during the move. Surprise, surprise! I found my long lost “straight” libido, the pulverized remains of my self-worth in a little heart-shaped box, and my list of personal life goals all sitting underneath it in the same box. Those who have stuck out life with me thus far will probably be thrilled—if not at least amused—though I think those who have continued to abandon me at every turn of fortune and fantasy are eventually going to be kicking themselves for missing out. Their loss, not mine. I’m crying in my beer bottled water already. (Though don’t mistake this for availability. I am still available only to one person. Period.)

I did miss a bill on my list for this coming paycheck which means money will be very tight for the first couple weeks of November, but I think everything will be fine in the end. We have plenty of food and just a need for some of the weekly basics that have to be renewed, but otherwise it’ll all be fine. I just don’t like not having that emergency net “just in case.”

I’ve reached a point of apathy in some areas of life. I did warn this might happen and the results would not be pretty. But the chase is over. I’ve expended all the energy I can, I’ve been subjected to as much dehumanizing, cruel, and unloving behavior and attitude as I can take without a single shred of true apology or remorse (or even a move toward real, life-altering change that was promised), and I’ve offered everything I have to mend fences and rebuild bridges to have it all shoved back in my face out of petty, childish spite. The ball is no longer in my court and I may not hang around the bleachers much longer either—though I will hang for a little longer to ensure that I don’t dismiss something too hastily that I might be overlooking here. Life calls and I’m not going to remain on hold forever. That’s not fair for me or for Jinx. We deserve better. We deserve to have a full, rewarding, and happy life without the distractions of the yearly dramafest, now wrapping up its ninth season.

Speaking of Jinx: he’s a trooper. All of this is tough on him. He went from what appeared to be a very stable life to nothing in near record speed. He doesn’t fully understand and is looking for someone to blame. I keep offering myself because it’s easier to deal with directly (and I’m tired of trying to defend others since that becomes more difficult as each wasted week passes). But it’s really interesting to hear him talk about things. He’s not blind or oblivious to the reality of the situation. I wonder sometimes if he didn’t see all this coming and understand what was going on long before I did. If so, the therapy bills for him as a teenager are going to be astronomical.

I’ve determined—late last night—that my oven cooks on the hot side after I burned my brownies. Wow. That sounds horrible when I reread that. But it’s true. I burned my brownies to a charcoal crisp a full ten minutes before they were supposed to be done. I’m truly sad about that since I don’t treat myself to such things often and bought these specifically for me.

I think my dog has kennel cough but I can’t afford to get her treated. I’m not sure where she could have picked it up, but given that it’s highly contagious I could have picked it up myself (apparently) on my pants leg and never known it. Unfortunately, for a Lab, this isn’t something likely to just go away on its own with home remedies. But she’s a trooper too. She’s taken up position as the Lady of the home and with The Boy, specifically, as her ward. She wakes him up every morning on time, makes sure he is in bed at the right time in the evening, and generally sticks close to him in the apartment (except when he’s playing video games or I’m cooking). I’ve truly never seen a bitch dog fret so much over a couple of guys in my entire life. In a really twisted thought, it’s kinda nice that someonething frets over us.

Life actually keeps getting better by the day. It’s slow. It’s still painful. But it’s growth. And I’m quite proud of where we’ve reached so far. Every day isn’t a bed of roses and I never thought it would be. Though, actually, maybe it is a bed of roses and that’s the way I have always approached my life and my relationships: that is, with those roses come thorns and I accept the beauty and the pain of what it takes to stick it out through the rough spots to see the garden in full bloom. I’ve just never found, apparently, someone who wants the same thing and who has the patience to wait during the winter months (and to cuddle under the blankets—heh!) to see the spring blossoms of life year after year.

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