I just don’t know where I’d be without real family and true friends.

I have spent so much time in the shadow of false feelings, character assassination, and public denial in the life of someone that I cared for more than words could express or share (the depth of absolute feeling that I’ve had for someone so utterly false, fake, and openly deceitful makes me doubt my own sanity sometimes), that it truly amazes me when people are genuine. It’s shocking, actually. Here I thought I knew what honest feelings were between people and I find that the one person I trusted and honored and believed above all others was nothing more than a total lie from the beginning.

So while I watch R/ED™ try to buy little hearts—just like The Psycho™ did—and play stupid human games of Truth or Dare to finally just walk away in disgust of a man who would have done anything at all just to make her happy if she’d just be honest—just like The Bitch™ did—and generally vomit on everything I once thought was the closest thing to Absolute Truth I’d ever see in my earthly life—as no-one else had ever done—I find that we are suddenly surrounded by real family and real friends that are genuinely interested in us as people, as real human beings, without the neediness of expectations. I’m not good (yet) with other people’s expectations and I can barely handle my own.

But the contrast in attitudes is just phenomenal to me. I’ve never, ever seen such a display of selflessness and caring and pride in me as some of these people have shown. I am even more humbled as I am honored by their friendships. Even my dad seems to recognize—even though I haven’t actually told him yet—that I am emotionally and physically alone now and not handling it very well. It’s not the loss by death of a mate after 40+years marriage like he went through last year (and is reliving this year), but in my book it might as well be. I had planned to spend the rest of my life with this person. I was committed to that end only to find my life and my family to be a dirty lie and of little more worth than a cum stain. I think my dad sees that loss of faith, pride, and dignity in me somehow and he’s been very supportive of my efforts to carry on this family alone.

But yet the reality is that we’re not totally alone.

I had lunch with Jez today. It’s my monthly decompression chamber of sorts. I feel totally safe to say anything I want without fear of rejection or ridicule or publicity. Yes, I know I have other friends that I could do this with but I’ve found someone with whom I’m comfortable doing this. It’s no slight toward anyone else, but this clicked right the first time. And I don’t always hear in return what I want to hear. But when I leave from having lunch, I feel like I’m not as hostile or pent-up about certain things. Maybe such a thing could have saved my relationship had such a friendship existed before. Again, no slight on anyone else: I just didn’t know that I needed something like this. But I know that I won’t let it go in the future so that my attitude and my actions and my selfishness ruin any potential relationship past this point.

So I had lunch with Jez today—didn’t I already say this?—and she brought tears to my eyes. If we’d been anywhere else other than the middle of Olive Garden, I’d probably have just let loose. It’s funny that one of the therapy ideas was for me to let go of some emotions in a catharsis-type of process. And yet overwhelming kindness, of all things, is more of a release for me than anything else. I’m sure it’s a different kind of release, but that’s not the point. All my self-control goes out the window in the face of sheer, unexpectant, loving kindness. Thanks to her (and Ken, I’m sure), Jinx will have some kind of decent Giftmas. She brought craft items for him to make decorations for our home along with some of the most amazing, handcrafted, incredible-history-behind-them (in a window of Macy’s New York), totally fabulous ornaments. We decided that we’re going to start tonight and do the Twelve Days of Yuletide with them by putting one ornament a night on the tree from this lot.

And it would appear that she might help me arrange other holiday plans as well.

Another friend turned around after I’d left lunch and, unasked, provided more that will go toward Jinx’s Giftmas. Friendship alone wasn’t enough to give me right now, but being able to think about my family right now was overwhelming when her own family is on the brink of the holidays. The ornaments she gave to Jinx and me were so cool. I have infused mine with so much personal meaning already that I doubt it means anymore what it really was supposed to mean. LOL! And Jinx wanted to play with his rather than put it on the tree. I did, of course, say no. And the stockings we received at the same time are already hung on the mantle which will be filled using the gift from Jez.

Dad provided two of the gifts I requested. Sorta. Given that they are already wrapped, I’m not going to press the issue of the one (since I’m not clear exactly on what he got), but I know the other was one that he picked out himself rather than from the list. That alone means a lot to me given the Giftmas crap my mother used to send. While I did ask for a flat-screen television so that we could try and not be so crowded in our “things,” dad did actually find a book I’ve been wanting for over a year, that is very difficult to find, quite pricey in most circles for a decent copy, and then purchased it for me. Given the requests I made, I’d have already known what it was, so I’m not at all disappointed by knowing now. It’s being airmailed in, so it may or may not get here for that big day. But that’s okay. Even the lack of the television is okay. That my dad went out of his way to make a decision for Jinx like this and then purchase a very hard-to-get text for me is something I had given up hope on ever happening again. And, yes, I would rather have the book over the television. LOL! (Though I really do need one for the wall in the bedroom over this bulky thing that’s going to end up in the downstairs neighbor’s room someday and I truly hate admitting that!)

There’s more. Trust me. There is more. But these are just from today.

It’s not the gifts, though. It’s not the support. It’s not the actions (except that the actions make truth of the words). It is the caring, compassion, joy, and love that these friends bring to the life that Jinx and I live right now. We have both become, in one sense, children of the village and I am learning not only how to accept that and take advantage of what’s offered to me freely by those who care but also how not to resent myself for it. As Jez asked today, next year pass it on. And we will be passing all this on in some way, shape, or form.

I once thought the holidays were really overrated. And I still think that way. A lot of it has to do with everything going on in combination with the holidays. We spend so much time trying to find gifts for people. We spend so much time trying to be consumers. Yes, I’ve spent a great deal of time working to provide my son with a Giftmas this year because otherwise he just wasn’t going to get it any other way. But rather than focus on gifts, I’ve focused on activities. We have spent time for Thanksgiving among people. We have spent the beginning of the Solstice season among people. We will be spending next weekend among many, many people. We are going ice skating on Giftmas Eve (and maybe with a new friend as well). We are having Giftmas Dinner with friends. We have brought in “things,” ornaments, and stuff from people and every one of them comes with a story to be told to Jinx about who they are, why they are part of our larger family circle, and how they have provided us with something by which we can remember them when they are not with us. We are bringing in the new year in a way that will ensure that our memories from here on out are filled with abiding joy, deep love, progress, much activity, and prosperity. Of course, prosperity depends on my new “accountant” getting her ass in gear. *cough* But I understand that she has a family too during this holiday season so I’ll try not to be a Scrooge. LOL!

All in all …? Yeah. Part of my brain and all of my soul is miserable. But the reality is that life itself is just fine. Life will find a way—or at least according to Jurassic Park it will. And when that dinosaur we’ve created comes crashing through life and love, then I hope people will remember that good people may suffer, bad people may look like they are on top of their game, but it is loving people who crash the party and start the dancing.

Jinx and I are loving people. And it’s time to stop waiting for someone else to tango and just get our own groove on.

And so we have.

Sometimes good-bye is a second chance.