Thank Any God It’s Friday!

It’s definitely been an interesting and educational week.

I’ve reconnected with some old friends, made some new friends, and learned a lot about friends that I should have known but either didn’t or forgot that I did.

And I’ve made some choices for myself, for my child, and for my family that have far reaching consequences that I’m totally prepared to live with. But all in good time, right?

The images below, as usual, can be clicked for larger versions.

Blessings

I have one amazing child. Okay. Actually I have two amazing children, but the one that I’m raising is the one that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I cannot believe how far we have come in just a couple of months. We have some pretty major hurdles to still cross, but we’re getting there slowly and with a determination that is just unbelievable. This boy deserves a medal. Allow me to share (sorry, it is from a cell phone):

Goofy Jinx

I took him to his favorite seafood place last night since I’m working on providing him with something special every paycheck to ensure that he knows that he’s doing really well in life overall and that I appreciate the patience he gives me in life right now. I think all relationships are two-way streets, even when the other person is a child[1]. Needless to say, he was totally thrilled.

I have one beautiful and amazing dog. You will never find a more gorgeous and faithful animal. (Okay, you are free to disagree about your own animal, but I’m telling you …) She is loyal to The Boy, lays at the door every morning waiting for me to open it so she can go in and wake him up, makes sure that he’s in bed on time in the evening (and even gets fussy if he keeps getting back up over and over again after he’s supposed to be in bed), and just generally dots over him like a hen. And when she’s not doing that (or trying to be a bully to other dogs from the safety of the second floor balcony), she’s pretty much laying at my feet constantly. Allow me to share again.

Beautiful Zoe

I’m blessed with a brain that I know how to use efficiently.

I still have a job. And, after conversations yesterday, apparently I’ll have a job for a while. At least while we’re still in Dallas. I’m going to make a new push for changes sometime next year, but I think I’m going to run through this in a bit different way. And I’m going to see if I can find a “manager” of sorts to help with this. I just don’t have the time to focus all my energy into figuring out where we need to be for best results or even how to get there/afford there. And especially since I have absolutely no idea where there is right now.

Lessons

As I grow older, I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me.
—H. Rider Haggard

I regret to say that I’ve learned this “detestable habit” is not more widespread among those around me. Or, more to the point, that what I consider to be simple is actually quite complicated[2] for some people. Priorities, for instance. I would think that there are some things in life that are just not on the table for compromise. Granted, I’m an idealist in many ways. I see the potential nature of humanity rather than the muck and shit it really is. If there is anything that I’ve learned through this personal injustice that has been inflicted upon me, it is that people really are just monkey suits full of shit. I have watched while multiple people—including Jenn—choose something that is no more and no less a physical response than taking a morning shit over the deeper and more important considerations of existence. And then the sad part is that some of these will actually say—though not Jenn explicitly, save in action alone[3]—that this spasm is something deep enough to destroy whole lives over.

I’m learning finances. Yes, in fact, I do have a spreadsheet now. I was once given some advice to “make lists.” I’m as much ADHD as my child and without the stabilizing force that my beautiful and talented (and now AWOL) mate brought to my manic little brain[4] I seem to have no earthly idea which way is up or how to stop my mouth from running long enough to properly pay my bills. But I am learning. Quickly even.

I’m learning that I that I talk too much. Except the funny thing is that I really don’t. And then I find out that what is really the problem is the uncomfortable nature of the honesty for one or two people[5]. When I said I was no longer going to blog, that I was going to shut down this site, the response was massive and overwhelming[6]. And so I continue to blog openly, honestly, and aggressively. And now with a daily pattern to follow. LOL!

5am comes early every morning. But I am learning that I really can do anything I set my mind to do. Next week I am going to add a bit more physical work to my mornings. However, I have learned just how valuable an hour can be. It’s one email written, it’s four paragraphs on a blog post, it’s ten/fifteen pages in a seriously deep book (a bit more on something less serious). It’s not really a lot of time and it can be wasted so easily. And what I translate that into is just how much time is wasted between people. I’m learning to move this lesson to my relationships too: to make every hour count with them. Because that hour might just be enough time to lose something forever or to capture the heart of someone before it’s too late[7].

Opportunities

Jinx keeps begging me to take him to the fitness center. Unfortunately, for him, the past couple of weeks have been extremely hectic on the school front as this semester is drawing to a close. But this is such a missed opportunity on my part and I know it. Since my 5am routine is going well (just the first week) and I’m building toward my physical program, I made a promise to him that we would go to the fitness center two nights a week. I haven’t kept that promise yet, but I need to sit down and work out a better evening schedule than we currently have. Right now, we’re kind of scattered in the evenings without any real direction except “do homework, have dinner, do whatever, bath/bed time” and it works but just not really efficiently for everything he and I both want to do.

I tried to share a memory last night with Jenn. It’s one of my favorites, but given the context it’s probably little wonder why. She wasn’t always like this. And, quite frankly, I’m starting to wonder if the memories are all false and I just made them up. But, I mean, there was a time when one might think that we lived straight out of a movie scene. It was just that too good to be true. It just didn’t seem to really phase her or move her: it was just another night in life I guess. But it was the winter of 1999[8] and cold. Very cold. We had a fire, blankets on the floor in front of said fire, a child laying quietly between us, and we read The Thousand Nights and One Night over a period of weeks, stopping at the breaks—in the middle of a story—just as the frame story itself stopped. We even made love in front of that fire several times after The Boy (then The Baby) was asleep and the story ended. There has never been a single moment in time that I have felt closer to someone on every level of my own desire at the same time. Various times, various desires, different people: sure. One person, every desire, all at once? Never before. Never since.

The reason for the memory? Allow me to share:

Future Memories

Any number of guesses as to what I was thinking? Yeah. Not hard to figure out. But I don’t think this was an opportunity missed by me …

innervox

1. Though I do wish I’d learned to express this a bit sooner for other relationships. But better lesson learned and applied now than never at all. [↩]
2. And, for the record for that person in the middle of the complicated vs simple discussion we’re having, this comment is totally unrelated. [↩]
3. And her actions and behaviors and words are pretty deceiving at the moment and I’m not really ready to try and start interpreting those any more than I have already since I’m still trying to find the silver lining here and hand it to her. [↩]
4. The problem, of course, is that I also figured out that I liked being reliant on her for some of these things. I liked being able to focus without having to be concerned that my life was going down the drain. Of course, she was flushing me down the toilet instead of actually supporting me, but that’s a different matter altogether. [↩]
5. And, ironically enough, instead of engaging this sense of uncomfortableness and working through it or challenging awkward statements—like D. did when I misrepresented our break-up—all I get is silence and hostility. Grow up already. It’s been said often enough: I’ve never been good at making other people feel good. I’ve only ever been good at telling the Truth. That’s one thing about me that I don’t want to change—except maybe the “feel good” part. I’d like to at least make some people feel okay. Just not at the expense of pursuing Truth. [↩]
6. Keep in mind that I read my stats. I know how many people hit this site each day, each week, each month. But I take those stats with a grain of salt. I realize the return rate is between 67-82%, but still I look at it as an opportunity. And, to mention it, the readership only fell 0.32% when the warzone broke out and I started blogging my woes with Jenn but then went up 3% in the first week after I came back online 01 November. I say all this because what I read into this (and I am reading into this with some assumptions, to be sure) is that people are interested in my thoughts and my fucked up life and, more importantly to me, how I succeed or fail at putting my values and principles to practice in my own life and interactions with others. [↩]
7. And, as someone said this morning in an amazingly hostile mode, that hour could be spent in a ditch wondering if anyone other than some random not-so-random fuck really gives a shit. [↩]
8. Don’t you hate when stories start out like that? It was the winter of 1773 and the huddled masses gazed off at the soldiers in horror … [↩]