I realize that many of these appear to be aimed at the non-ADD partner—and they are—but it is in understanding the required activity of the non-ADD partner that someone like me—the ADD partner—can find the way out of the darkness[1]. But when one or both partners in a marriage (or other living situation) has ADD, it is important to understand the couple dynamics and the treatment process. Here are important issues to consider:

• Have empathy for the ADD person and try to see the world through his or her eyes of frustration and failure.
• Go to at least some appointments with the doctor together.
• Both partners need clear education on ADD, its genetic roots, how it impacts couples, and its treatment.
• After the initial diagnosis [or reevaluation], take a step back from the chronic turmoil that may have been present in the relationship. Look at your relationship from a new perspective and, if need be, try to start over.
• Set up regular times for talking and checking in.
• Keep lists to avoid resentments for chores and tasks not done.
• Assume the best about the other person.
• Set clear goals for each area of your life together and review them on a regular basis. Evaluate whether your behavior is getting you what you want. When you know what you want, you are much more able to make it happen.
• Set clear individual goals and share them with each other. Then look for ways to help the other person reach his or her own personal goals.
• Avoid stereotyped roles of “caretaker” and “sick one.”
• Talk out issues concerning sex, in a kind and caring manner.
• Frequently check in with each other during social gatherings to determine the comfort level of each partner.
• Get away alone together on a regular basis. This is especially important when there are ADD kids in the family.
• Work together in parenting children. Children with ADD put a tremendous strain on relationships. This is magnified even further when one of the parents has ADD. See yourselves as partners, not adversaries.
• Praise each other ten times more than you criticize.
• Get rid of the smelly bucket of fish (hurts from the past) that you carry around. Many couples hold on to old hurts and use them to torture each other months to years later. These “smelly fish” are destructive and stink up a relationship. Clean them out of your life.

I could sit here and bold or asterisk the lines that kick me directly in the nuts. However, we’d be here all night trying to explain why one or another is pertinent to my own life and relationships. But, every single one of these, in fact, could have saved my relationship both if I had known them explicitly in such a manner and if she had taken the time to actually understand the difficulties of ADHD beyond the way it affects a child—and even then she wasn’t always so clear. It was so much easier to just replace the relationship and leave the problem for someone else. So typical for non-ADD partners. Run away rather than repair and rebuild.

The national average for divorce of ADD individuals is 20% higher than non-ADD individuals. It is almost always (statistics range from 72% to 99% depending on which studies you use) the non-ADD partner that leaves out of frustration and 86% of those never attempted any kind of therapy. And, quite frankly, merely what is listed above doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or a shrink) to work through together if both partners can come to a reasonable understanding that (A) change must happen, (B) both must put into this together in a committed way, and (C) they are accountable to each other for the mental and emotional health of their relationship.

innervox

1. I feel that so many of these little “tips” could have held the basis for both resolving the issues and rebuilding for a future in this past relationship. Alas, at least now I will be prepared for the next one, if there is one. Many of these I think I knew from an intuitive position, but to see them written out like this has been a major slap in the face for me. If I could have seen this in such a clear manner before, much of this I could have self-corrected. Sometimes, really, it just takes the patience of a real partner to get through the troubled times and figure out new ways of handling the problems. But we are Happy Meals to be tossed away when the toy doesn’t meet our expectations, and so many of us who have difficulties beyond mere pathetic conversation in a bar to get laid are left in the darkness of our own minds. [↩]

I’m working through many of these and will begin to implement the rest through the end of the year and the start of 2009. It’s not that these are really something unique. They really apply to any child, I guess. But they are definitely rules and approaches to life in our home that I haven’t enforced or applied with any regularity. And that’s my fault.

But the even more interesting thing about these rules is (A) how closely they relate to the values and virtues as presented to Jinx (and me) through the seven Principles of Unitarian-Universalism and (B) how much these should apply to any relationship between adults as well (though there are, admittedly, a couple of obvious changes that would have to be made).

Family Rules

TELL THE TRUTH

TREAT EACH OTHER WITH RESPECT
(which means no yelling, no hitting, no kicking, no name calling, and no putting down.)

NO ARGUING WITH PARENTS
(As parents, we want and value your input and ideas, but arguing means you have made your point more than twice.)

RESPECT EACH OTHER’S PROPERTY
(which means we ask permission to use something that does not belong to us.)

DO WHAT MOM AND DAD SAY THE FIRST TIME
(without complaining or throwing a fit.)

ASK PERMISSION BEFORE YOU GO SOMEWHERE

PUT THINGS AWAY THAT YOU TAKE OUT

LOOK FOR WAYS TO BE KIND AND HELPFUL TO EACH OTHER

These rules set the tone and “values” for the family. They clearly state that there is a line of authority at home, and that it is expected that children will follow the rules and respect their parents, their siblings, and the family’s property. These are good social expectations and teachings. When you tell someone what you expect, you’re much more likely to get it.

In establishing expectations at home, it’s often important to use visual clues, such as pictures or short printed directions, since people with ADD may have trouble processing verbal input, especially in a noisy environment. Writing expectations down also has the advantage of being able to refer to it later when the ADD person denies that you ever told him or her about it.

All of these falls within the five steps to shaping positive behavior.

1. Define the desired and undesirable behaviors specifically.
2. Establish a baseline period.
3. Communicate the rules and expectations clearly.
4. Reward desired behavior.
5. Give clear, unemotional consequences for the negative behavior.

My next entry on this series will be about adult relationships, specifically, but I think these steps work for adults as well.

See if any of these sound familiar to anyone. Especially those close to home need to listen up carefully to the next series of posts. Being able to admit to any one or more of these is no admission of mastering them. But admission is the first step to correction. The ADD games are:

• Let’s have a problem
• I bet I can get you to yell at me or hit me
• My thoughts are more terrible than your thoughts
• It’s your fault
• No, No way, Never, You can’t make me do it
• I say the opposite of what you say
• I say the first thing that comes to mind
• Let’s call it even
• Fighting as foreplay

Ready to explore these now? Any of these seem familiar already? I can pick two out immediately that I do constantly and, though I can’t say that I honestly knew I was doing it, I saw immediately (when pointed out) that these are behaviors that I exhibit regularly just by reading the titles and before reading the details. I’ll point out the ones that I self-identified as I go along with a small asterisk*. I’ve marked two with a double asterisk** because I find them to be particularly notable as to my own specific games in every serious relationship I’ve ever had[1].

The Games ADD People Play

Let’s have a problem**

Without enough stimulation, the brain looks for ways to increase its own activity. Being mad, upset, angry, or negative has an immediate stimulating effect on the brain. Whenever you get upset, your body produces increasing amounts of adrenaline, which stimulates heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, and, yes, brain activity. Many people with ADD pick on others to get a rise out of them, to get them upset, to make them crazy. By doing so, they get a rush in the brain that provides the stimulation they crave.

I bet I can get you to yell at me or hit me*

A similar game to “Let’s Have a Problem” is “I Bet I Can Get You to Yell at Me or Hit Me.” Many people with ADD are masterful at getting others to scream, yell, spank[2], and basically fly out of control. They get others so upset that they cannot help but lose it. These negative behaviors provide quite the adrenaline rush but frequently lead to serious negative consequences, such as divorce, fights at school, unemployment, and even abuse. Again, the game is unconscious, not planned. It seems as if the ADD person senses the most vulnerable issues for others, and they work on them until there is an explosion[3].

My thoughts are more terrible than your thoughts

ADD people seem to be experts at picking out the most negative thoughts possible and staying focused on them for prolonged periods of time. It is almost as if they need the negativity to have the mental energy to function. You have probably noticed the people who play this game at work: If ten good things and one bad thing happen, most of their thoughts are focused on the bad thing. These are the people who complain, gossip, find fault, undermine, and pit people against each other. In meets they disagree and find fault. Many ADD people who unknowingly play this game end up isolated, lonely, depressed, and even more negative. People who are isolated from others have a higher incidence of both physical and emotional problems.

It’s your fault

This may be the most dangerous ADD game of all. In it the ADD person reasons that he or she has little, if anything, to do with the problem in his or her own life. Any problem is someone else’s fault. Whenever you blame someone else for the problems in your own life, you become a victim of that other person and you have no power to change anything. Without a sense of personal power, people often feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

No, No way, Never, You can’t make me do it

Opposition also increases adrenaline in the ADD brain. Many people with ADD, especially Type 3, tend to be argumentative and oppositional with people in their lives. These negative behaviors often cause tension and turmoil in families, in relationships, or at work. You cannot let people badger you or irritate you into getting their way. If you allow this game to work, it sets up serious social problems. No one likes someone who argues with everything they say or opposes them most of the time.

I say the opposite of what you say

This is the verbal equivalent to the “No, No Way, Never, You Can’t Make Me Do It” game (which is more behavioral in nature). The people who play this game take a position opposite to that of the other person in the conversation.

I say the first thing that comes to mind

ADD people will say things like “I am brutally honest” and they wear this trait as if it were a badge of courage. In reply, brutal honesty is usually not helpful. Relationships require tact. A doctor entered a waiting room, ten minutes late, to greet his 8 year old patient. She blurted out, “Well, it’s about damn time.” Her mother was horrified and apologized. But this was just par for the course in an ADD household.  This game causes many, many problems. When you just say the first thing that comes to mind, you can hurt someone’s feelings, infuriate a customer, or give away secrets that were entrusted to you.

Let’s call it even*

Many people with ADD play this deflection game. In this game, whenever someone else has a complaint or criticism, the player also adopts the complaint as his or her own. For example, if a husband is unhappy that the house isn’t clean, his wife (the player) complains that he doesn’t help enough. If a wife complains that her husband doesn’t listen enough, the husband will complain about the same thing. If a sibling says that her sister goes into her room and takes things, the sister will say she does that because her sister does it too.

Fighting as foreplay**

In this game there is an intense fight, then a period of making up, which includes making love. The swing of emotions is quick and dramatic. One minute you are fighting, talking about divorce and ready to leave the relationship, the next moment you are making wild, passionate love and feeling blissful. It’s confusing to the participants but makes some biological sense. Once stimulated, you are ready for love.

All of these games are very destructive in ADD relationships. The first step in eliminating these games is to notice them.

And from here, we begin to explore how to eliminate them and set into place better boundaries, habits, frames of mind, and general healthy behaviors.

innervox

1. … with one possible exception. [↩]
2. Though I know a few people who might like this! LOL! [↩]
3. Note: The treatment for this particular game causes the problem to temporarily get worse before it gets better. And it never really goes away since the ADD person will continue to test these boundaries once established. [↩]